Found messages for prostitutes on partners phone

[Kassy222]

Help! My partner recently got a new phone. Whilst moving furniture I found his old phone. I went through it as I have felt uneasy for quite some time. I found he had joined adult work and had messaged a prostitute for sex. He had re visited the site numerous times. Whilst working away he had also googled a massage parlour in the area he was working and also revisited adult work whilst he was away. (No new messages) but most have there phone numbers displayed anyway. Also I went out for a walk with a friend and whilst out the house he went on adult friend finder and searched women in a 5 mile radius. He didn’t register with the site but had filled out the boxes what he was looking for. I found he is always watching porn most days literally amy chance he gets which I know can be normal for men but it was even at times he would turn me down, I would leave the house and he would go straight on it.
we haven’t really had a sex lift for close to two years. He’s had low libido, despite my many efforts and despite me getting upset about it a lot and explaining to him it’s making me insecure and not feeling wanted. These feeling have made me question him a lot and have made me controlling which he states stresses him out. His answer to my recent find is that he’s never gone through with it. He states that he was confused about the low libido and didn’t know if he had lost his sexual attraction to me or women in general. He also said that he didn’t know if it was my behaviours that was putting him off me sexually. I asked why he went on adult friend finder and he said it just popped up and he was bored but would never go through with it. The pain and feeling is unbearable and He’s played it down like I’m partly to blame. Im confused and don’t know what to think, feel or do :-(

I am so sorry that you have been so betrayed.

Do you have any friends or family who can support you?

You need to say those words out loud IRL.

There are millions of couples who this is happening to or has happened to. You are not alone.

I agree with @Haffiana about the reaction of friends. It doesn't even have to be a friend. A female acquaintance or even a decent male friend will show you by their reaction that you do not deserve this, that this is his issue, and that this is disgusting behaviour.

I’m afraid you have been massively manipulated into believing that things are your fault, rather than his. He is gradually ‘doing your head in’, op, and it’s time you got rid of him before he does you any more harm. Only then will you regain your self-worth and realise that you are worthy of a full, proper relationship with someone who is not a misogynist, who doesn’t exploit women for sex, and who values you as a person. Good luck, op.

Happening to so many people in large part thanks to the internet.

Thank you for your message. And no he is quite a private person with only a couple of friends. He wouldn’t want them knowing about this I’m sure. I’m glad I put this post as I was trying to be understanding but I really don’t understand it. Couples go through a lot worse than we have and don’t turn to prostitutes. I think he has become that obsessed with porn that that is his thing now so adult work is the perfect place to find similar women to the pornos :-(

Thank you so much. So glad I did this post. Felt so alone this morning didn’t know what to think or feel x

we haven’t really had a sex lift for close to two years. He’s had low libido, despite my many efforts...

Eh?
He categorically does not have a low libido if he's wanking off to porn every day and hooking up with prostitutes.

There are words to describe a man like that who refrains from sexual interaction with you and only you. "Having a low libido" are not the words.

As everyone else has said, he’s lieing.

You have found his secret prostitution phone, and this MumsNet thread could get spotted and a warning put up on a forum for prostitution.

Decide on your plans and limit what details you post - (though as you’ve challenged him he knows what you know)

Constant porn is not normal, he has a problem & it’s never going to go away

Cut ties and move on - his problems have nothing to do with you, find someone better for you

I don’t have any family around me. And I was embarrassed to tell my friends that’s why I came on here. So glad I did so grateful for all responses. I will be talking to my friends x

For the sake of argument let’s say he’s telling the truth. Would you still want to be with him anyway? It sounds like he is making you feel awful and isn’t bring any love/affection/joy to the relationship.

He isn't partly blaming you - He also said that he didn’t know if it was my behaviours that was putting him off me sexually he is blaming you. FGS get rid off this man.

’Im confused and don’t know what to think, feel or do’

Yes you do. Be brave OP. Choose yourself.

It’s all on him. He doesn’t have a low libido, he’s just addicted to porn and prostitute sex, and can no longer get off on partnered sex.

Unless he acknowledges this nothing will change, and you will be better off moving in different directions. Honestly he’s probably a lost cause at this point.

Well then kick his ass out. Hes a lier and and cheat. If you believe his lies you will believe anything.

My ex did this. Very similar situation, very similar excuses. He had also claimed low libido for the reason we were barely having sex, then after a year or so of this I found out he was on multiple hookup sites searching for women around our home and local to somewhere he visited regularly, and he'd been messaging sex workers (while I was in the house, too). Like you I had a feeling something was off but he was covering tracks; I ended up finding out because I eventually saw concrete evidence that he was definitely lying about something and signed into his devices to get the truth. Huge shock to see all of that, not what I was expecting!

I wouldn't usually give advice like this on someone else's relationship, but on this occasion I'm going to say run.

It sounds like he’s trying to make you feel guilty for causing him to behave like this, like his behaviour is somehow your responsibility. It isn’t. I was also led to believe I was being ‘controlling’ - looking back now I know I wasn’t being controlling at all, his behaviour was overtly shady and I was reacting to that. Accusations of me being ‘controlling’ was just him being annoyed that I was asking questions about his suspicious behaviour, meaning he had to come up with lies, which he didn’t like. How dare I wonder what he’s doing on his phone when he’s acting like he’s up to something because he's messaging sex workers, what a controlling bitch!

I can totally understand how you could believe that you’re somehow responsible, but that really is just his manipulative bullshit - this is on him and him alone. My ex also tried to claim he was trying to see if he could get his libido sorted out, as though he had been sending revolting messages to other women with our relationship in mind somehow. What a prince!

Like yours, my ex also claimed he’d never gone through with it. I’ll never know the truth on that one, but I will say that I stayed with him and he ended up cheating on me and leaving. He was shopping around, whether he acted on it at that time or not. Do you think you can ever trust your partner again after this? Do you want to be in a relationship where your self esteem is taking a battering, you’re having no sex and you’re always wondering if he’s trying to get it elsewhere?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Talk to friends in real life, tell them what’s going on and get some support. You are in no way overreacting, this is a genuinely horrible situation and it isn’t your fault in any way.

OP,
I'm so sorry.

I have been through something similar. Just before Covid, I saw my partner had been looking up escorts while away in his hometown. He'd also been on tinder. He said all this was for attention and that he'd never actually do anything and I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

He also seemed to be lacking in libido and i tried lots to get him interested.

Now we've just separated for other reasons (his drinking and mental health issues mainly) and I've found evidence he has been cheating.

I now realise he's been gaslighting me by blaming everything on me whilst going out shagging possibly prostitutes, god knows. I'm absolutely disgusted with him.

Like you, we were trying to have a baby and had been having fertility investigations etc.

These men are absolute scum to put us through this when they have no intention of being family men, or fathers, and think it's ok to treat women like this.

So sorry OP. I am glad you said the house is yours ( I think I saw that) so you can boot him out and get on with your life.

You deserve someone who makes you feel good about yourself, not guilty.

I'm glad you're going to tell your friends, I've found it a huge relief talking to friends and they've been a great support.

Agree 💯% get rid, take your time to heal/deal with your feelings whilst you concentrate and focus on yourself. Then find someone who you can have that good sex life with.

Thank you for taking the time out to reply. I think when they blame us we do start to question ourselves but I know now that this is not acceptable in any circumstance. When he started considering it he should of left the relationship x

Make no mistake, it is your partner that has the problem, not you.
Porn itself is a very tricky subject issue. In the science world it is considered as a supernormal stimuli which is basically an evolutionary term for any stimulus that elicits a response stronger than the stimulus for which it evolved, even if it is artificial, such as porn, junk food etc... .

Here's a short study I found online on this matter.

Nikolaas Tinbergen, a Nobel Prize winning ethologist, is the father of the term supernormal stimuli. As noted in Stuart's comic, Tinbergen found in his experiments that he could create "artificial" stimuli that were stronger than the original instinct, including the following examples:

• He constructed plaster eggs to see which one a bird preferred to sit on, finding that they would select those that were larger, had more defined markings, or more saturated colour—a dayglo-bright egg with black polka dots would be selected over the bird's own pale, dappled eggs.

• He found that territorial male stickleback fish would attack a wooden fish model more vigorously than a real male if its underside was redder.

• He constructed cardboard dummy butterflies with more defined markings that male butterflies would try to mate with in preference to real females.

In a very quick span of time, Tinbergen was able to influence the behavior of these animals with a new "super" stimulus that exaggerated traits of their real counterparts, which they preferred over the real thing.

Instinct took over, and now the animals' behavioral instincts were a detriment to their livelihood because they simply couldn't say no to the fake stimulus.

How does this correlate to your issue? Well he is chosing porn and sex workers over you because it draws forward a greater arousal for him.
He doesn't have a low libido at all, he's just conditioned his sexual responses to porn.
It's an extremely difficult trap to get out of.

You are spot on.
As soon as they realised they were no longer attracted, the sane and humane thing to do would be either to split up with their partner, or work really hard at the relationship (and give up porn!).

Particularly in the context of wasting a woman's fertile years I think it's unforgivably cruel.

Thank you so much. Really appreciate the time you have taken out your day to reply to me. He has asked if we can go for a walk tonight go talk but I don’t feel like it will achieve anything. His excuses are lame. It wasn’t a one off where he’s felt guilty and woke up and deleted it. He has checked it a few times over the past year. Saying he was confused is a cowards way out. He has got low libido because from all the porn he watches he has become attracted to a certain type of woman and I’m not it. I am the one that has felt unwanted and like he doesn’t fancy me but I didn’t look elsewhere for attention x

You know none of his BS excuses matter, right?

He has almost definitely seeing prostitutes, he is absolutely definitely addicted to porn. You are not his rehab centre. Get him to fuck out of your house, work on your self-esteem, you do not need to give this any more headspace.

And yy @Cyberworrier an egg thief too - there should be a special place in hell for men who waste women's fertile years.

Kick him out OP. He has tried to destroy your self esteem to protect his porn habit. He wants you there to do the wife work but not for a loving partnership. He is not capable of a loving partnership, he has chosen sex workers and porn instead. Now he knows you have rumbled him and that he might lose your wife work he will try to reel you back in with tales of helpless addiction and how he truly loves you. Get rid OP, he is a poisonous and perverted man, who you don't want as father of your children.

I empathise so much with what you're going through. Please don't listen to his lame excuses, it's unforgivable and probably only the tip of the iceberg. I completely regret believing my husband when he minimised his similar behaviour a couple of years ago. I feel like I was very naive to believe a man who would be on dating sites whilst married- clearly men like this are absolutely untrustworthy!
Don't waste any more time on him.

I feel I'm walking taller since splitting with my horrible husband. He'd been putting me down so long, I'd stopped taking care of myself and purely worried about him. All that energy can go on self-care now!