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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found messages for prostitutes on partners phone

99 replies

Kassy222 · 09/08/2022 07:38

Help! My partner recently got a new phone. Whilst moving furniture I found his old phone. I went through it as I have felt uneasy for quite some time. I found he had joined adult work and had messaged a prostitute for sex. He had re visited the site numerous times. Whilst working away he had also googled a massage parlour in the area he was working and also revisited adult work whilst he was away. (No new messages) but most have there phone numbers displayed anyway. Also I went out for a walk with a friend and whilst out the house he went on adult friend finder and searched women in a 5 mile radius. He didn’t register with the site but had filled out the boxes what he was looking for. I found he is always watching porn most days literally amy chance he gets which I know can be normal for men but it was even at times he would turn me down, I would leave the house and he would go straight on it.
we haven’t really had a sex lift for close to two years. He’s had low libido, despite my many efforts and despite me getting upset about it a lot and explaining to him it’s making me insecure and not feeling wanted. These feeling have made me question him a lot and have made me controlling which he states stresses him out. His answer to my recent find is that he’s never gone through with it. He states that he was confused about the low libido and didn’t know if he had lost his sexual attraction to me or women in general. He also said that he didn’t know if it was my behaviours that was putting him off me sexually. I asked why he went on adult friend finder and he said it just popped up and he was bored but would never go through with it. The pain and feeling is unbearable and He’s played it down like I’m partly to blame. Im confused and don’t know what to think, feel or do :-(

OP posts:
Straighttalk22 · 24/11/2022 01:02

Roundbasket · 24/11/2022 00:41

Ok so you’d take your wife back … that I agree would be fair

however this part of your response I take huge objection to
‘if it’s paid for not paid for does it matter?’

yes it does matter . Do you think that women are objects to be used and paid for ? Do you understand that there are reasons women get into sec work . Do you have much of any education on gender issues and how women are not paid more in ANY other jobs other than those where their bodies are used and exploited for men / society

do you see a problem with this

what is your position on the fact that paying a sex worker is effectively paying a woman to do something against what she would freely give consent to without money

woyld you be happy to be married to a women who works as a sex worker or for any daughter of yours to work as one ?

I see your point completely and yes some are trafficked into it and some women aren’t paid more in certain jobs and totally agree there is gender issues especially in the building trade.

However some women do this as a career having met a sex worker many moons ago and asked why she did it her response i quote “I pick and choose my own hours and I get paid £70,000 per year I have the life I want I have 2 kids they both know what I do”.

Would I want a daughter of mine to do it no but some women do this by choice as above.

When men go looking for it we don’t ask these questions in our heads we see you have a website with a woman or women advertising themselves you call them direct I didn’t use an agency or anything you tell them what you would like they agree or disagree. The ones I went too it was consensual before payment not forced etc. There are certain websites where women do this as a sideline job to earn extra income so are they volunteering to do this.

Yes I see your point but there’s also two sides

monsteramunch · 24/11/2022 01:17

The ones I went too it was consensual before payment not forced etc.

We all know that some women are sex workers by their own fully independent free choice.

You cannot know 100% for sure which ones are. You simply can't.

A decent man wouldn't take the chance they were having sex with someone trafficked, coerced, abused etc even if that chance was only 1%.

That 1% chance (in reality much higher than 1%) would make a decent man feel sick to their stomach.

KettrickenSmiled · 24/11/2022 01:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Roundbasket · 24/11/2022 01:30

@Straighttalk22
’see your point completely and yes some are trafficked into it and some women aren’t paid more in certain jobs and totally agree there is gender issues especially in the building trade.

However some women do this as a career having met a sex worker many moons ago and asked why she did it her response i quote “I pick and choose my own hours and I get paid £70,000 per year I have the life I want I have 2 kids they both know what I do”.

Would I want a daughter of mine to do it no but some women do this by choice as above.

in our heads we see you have a website with a woman or women advertising themselves you call them direct I didn’t use an agency or anything you tell them what you would like they agree or disagree. The ones I went too it was consensual before payment not forced etc. There are certain websites where women do this as a sideline job to earn extra income so are they volunteering to do this.

Yes I see your point but there’s also two sides

the fact you think ‘gender issues is about the building industry is concerning .

im referring to millenia of imbalance between women and men where women have been and still are in many cases oppressed

yiu nention asking one sex worker why she does it and saying her reason . Do yoh really think that one woman represents the whole industry or balances out all the other women who are doing it because they are coerced trafficked or been forced into it throw the disadvantage that they may experience as women ?

You highlight the very issue I’m talking about when you say ‘When men go looking for it we don’t ask these questions’

maybe you need to ask yourself why the little appendage between your legs means more to you than why women don’t deserve to be treated with so little regard that your prepared to take a chance they may be there through any number of terrible circumstance and your just ‘ not going to ask ‘

it’s a pretty shitty thing to do . To just ignore the fact that your buying a woman who DOES not want to be with you

i would normally agree that to most things in life there are two sides but in the case of supporting an industry that exploits women and girls I see ZERO excuse and zero ‘ side ‘
there is only one side . The right side which is to never ever be ok with thinking women are commodities . If something not ok for your daughter then it shouldn’t be ok for you to treat anyone else daughter that way either

I’ll leave it there because clearly you and I hold extremely different beliefs Regarding women being treated with basic human dignity.

Roundbasket · 24/11/2022 01:35

Straighttalk22 · 24/11/2022 01:02

I see your point completely and yes some are trafficked into it and some women aren’t paid more in certain jobs and totally agree there is gender issues especially in the building trade.

However some women do this as a career having met a sex worker many moons ago and asked why she did it her response i quote “I pick and choose my own hours and I get paid £70,000 per year I have the life I want I have 2 kids they both know what I do”.

Would I want a daughter of mine to do it no but some women do this by choice as above.

When men go looking for it we don’t ask these questions in our heads we see you have a website with a woman or women advertising themselves you call them direct I didn’t use an agency or anything you tell them what you would like they agree or disagree. The ones I went too it was consensual before payment not forced etc. There are certain websites where women do this as a sideline job to earn extra income so are they volunteering to do this.

Yes I see your point but there’s also two sides

the fact you think ‘gender issues is about the building industry is concerning .

im referring to millenia of imbalance between women and men where women have been and still are in many cases oppressed

yiu nention asking one sex worker why she does it and saying her reason . Do yoh really think that one woman represents the whole industry or balances out all the other women who are doing it because they are coerced trafficked or been forced into it throw the disadvantage that they may experience as women ?

You highlight the very issue I’m talking about when you say ‘When men go looking for it we don’t ask these questions’

maybe you need to ask yourself why the little appendage between your legs means more to you than why women don’t deserve to be treated with so little regard that your prepared to take a chance they may be there through any number of terrible circumstance and your just ‘ not going to ask ‘

it’s a pretty shitty thing to do . To just ignore the fact that your buying a woman who DOES not want to be with you

i would normally agree that to most things in life there are two sides but in the case of supporting an industry that exploits women and girls I see ZERO excuse and zero ‘ side ‘

there is only one side . The right side which is to never ever be ok with thinking women are commodities . If something not ok for your daughter then it shouldn’t be ok for you to treat anyone else daughter that way either

I’ll leave it there because clearly you and I hold extremely different beliefs Regarding women being treated with basic human dignity.

Dello · 29/11/2022 10:55

@Straighttalk22

i1.cmsfiles.com/eaves/2012/04/MenWhoBuySex-89396b.pdf

I found this interesting, quotes from people involved

Naunet · 29/11/2022 14:22

Straighttalk22 · 23/11/2022 22:22

Why is everyone here like never take him take back etc etc

As a guy just been through this here’s my story why guys do this.

Got married 23 never been with anyone previously now 36.

  1. Look at your marriage no sex life so yes men are going to go else where. Men looking for love and although you say you love him do you touch each other
  2. Don’t spend time together your love goes onto your kids rather than making time for each other
  3. Lo labido is because he’s watching porn having had a sex addiction since the age of 15 i hadnt realised until recently porn is actually an addiction and the issue also leads your brain to wanting things you can’t ask your partner and lustful thoughts.
  4. we were living like flat mates each on our phone every night no communication.
  5. my wife since the start of our marriage has also looked at another man admitting she nearly kissed him (emotional cheating)
  6. We hadn’t a sex life due to my ED (Recently found out it was the porn and since stopping watching it have a higher sex drive) my wife was looking at porn and other men wanting to be loved in that way. (Porn can be classed as cheating)
  7. I was angry with my wife all the time i had a hatred towards her it got to the point I couldn’t even look at her naked.
  8. I went once to a hooker twice we didn’t have sex other things went on my reason was I was craving other women having never been with another woman I was craving the desires of this world. The first time all we did was get naked she touched me that was it the second time was just me craving a woman never had intercourse and yes I got tested both times.

It takes 2 for a marriage to work all you guys going he’s a cheat always a cheat. Look at his back ground does he suffer with anxiety? and for people who say it’s a bit of porn I’ll tell you it’s not it leads you down paths and the stuff you watch gets worse.

Now our marriage is now a million times stronger because we make time to communicate, no phones in the bedroom, talk more were stronger for it. Don’t give up but be honest with each other. Note he who casts the first stone.

Eww.

How did you make sure the “hooker” wasn’t trafficked, or did that not matter to you?

Naunet · 29/11/2022 14:25

Straighttalk22 · 23/11/2022 23:41

She’s right here beside me this site full of arseholes like you aww poor woman husband cheated with a woman paid her for it.

Look at the reasons men cheat when have bitchiness like yours

All this emotional crap you give us you ain’t got a clue what you want in life you think you do and marriages can be stronger when people cheat because it shows what’s missing and how bad they are in the first place.

Yes it took me 21 years to get over my addiction why did I have an addiction because of my child hood.

You haven’t a clue if I had been abused or what I might have been through.

So I’ll tell you summat as I said earlier look at why we cheat and the Bloke’s past don’t just assume or judge.

I hope your wife decides to make your marriage stronger by cheating on you with a man who isn’t a porn sick creep 🙏

BelgiumArse · 29/11/2022 14:52

@Straighttalk22

Your excuses are pathetic.

Your wife is sat beside you, what reading these replies ?

I hope so.

Straighttalk22 · 29/11/2022 15:01

Naunet · 29/11/2022 14:25

I hope your wife decides to make your marriage stronger by cheating on you with a man who isn’t a porn sick creep 🙏

She was using porn her self you twat!!! So yea she cheated on me with it and was spending time with another guy two to tango 🖕

Naunet · 29/11/2022 15:09

Straighttalk22 · 29/11/2022 15:01

She was using porn her self you twat!!! So yea she cheated on me with it and was spending time with another guy two to tango 🖕

Yeah difference between watching porn occasionally and being porn sick to the point you can no longer even get it up, but of course you wouldn’t understand that.

monsteramunch · 29/11/2022 15:26

@Straighttalk22

It takes 2 to make a marriage work if it’s paid for not paid for does it matter? One could argue paying for it there’s no emotions involved but that’s another debate.

Just reposting my response to this.

Cheating with a consenting adult = shitty but consensual.

Cheating by paying a sex worker = shitty and showing a complete disregard for women as you cannot possibly have known whether the sex workers you visited were abused, coerced, trafficked etc. You were willing to run the risk they were.

Punters hate women. Otherwise they wouldn't feel capable of having sex with someone who may be one of the many who are abused, coerced, trafficked etc.

Vile.

Naunet · 29/11/2022 15:46

monsteramunch · 29/11/2022 15:26

@Straighttalk22

It takes 2 to make a marriage work if it’s paid for not paid for does it matter? One could argue paying for it there’s no emotions involved but that’s another debate.

Just reposting my response to this.

Cheating with a consenting adult = shitty but consensual.

Cheating by paying a sex worker = shitty and showing a complete disregard for women as you cannot possibly have known whether the sex workers you visited were abused, coerced, trafficked etc. You were willing to run the risk they were.

Punters hate women. Otherwise they wouldn't feel capable of having sex with someone who may be one of the many who are abused, coerced, trafficked etc.

Vile.

Yep, they don’t care if they’re raping the woman, as long as they get what they pay for.

Straighttalk22 · 29/11/2022 20:32

monsteramunch · 29/11/2022 15:26

@Straighttalk22

It takes 2 to make a marriage work if it’s paid for not paid for does it matter? One could argue paying for it there’s no emotions involved but that’s another debate.

Just reposting my response to this.

Cheating with a consenting adult = shitty but consensual.

Cheating by paying a sex worker = shitty and showing a complete disregard for women as you cannot possibly have known whether the sex workers you visited were abused, coerced, trafficked etc. You were willing to run the risk they were.

Punters hate women. Otherwise they wouldn't feel capable of having sex with someone who may be one of the many who are abused, coerced, trafficked etc.

Vile.

Right well I’ll reiterate if you’ve ever ever watched porn you’ve paid for prostitution.

The person in that movie or clip has been paid for sex. (prostitution) $800-$1000 you’ve paid the website by clicking and watching that movie that’s how YouTubers people who own pornsites get paid per click guess what you’ve had pleasure from prostitution!

Theres lots of people with double standards in here!!

monsteramunch · 29/11/2022 21:35

@Straighttalk22

Right well I’ll reiterate if you’ve ever ever watched porn you’ve paid for prostitution.

The person in that movie or clip has been paid for sex. (prostitution) $800-$1000 you’ve paid the website by clicking and watching that movie that’s how YouTubers people who own pornsites get paid per click guess what you’ve had pleasure from prostitution!

Theres lots of people with double standards in here!!

What an odd response.

Firstly, it's not a double standard for me as I don't watch porn...

Secondly, you haven't actually addressed the point I made re you saying paying for sex is somehow less awful as there are 'no emotions involved'.

My point was that you paid to have sex with women you couldn't possible have 100% known weren't abused, coerced, trafficked etc. You were willing to run the risk in order to get sexual pleasure. I wondered how that makes you feel on reflection?

Oh and spoiler alert, sex workers have emotions funnily enough. They aren't penis gratifying machines without thoughts and feelings.

Aussiegirl123456 · 29/11/2022 21:49

Naunet · 29/11/2022 15:46

Yep, they don’t care if they’re raping the woman, as long as they get what they pay for.

👏

Gingersnappy · 29/11/2022 21:53

Kassy222 · 11/08/2022 12:44

Update is I’ve left him and booked a flight to Miami to visit my best friend xx

So proud of you 😊

Nursejackie1 · 29/11/2022 22:44

Have a look on punters.com. That’s the type of man he is. There are thousands of them on there and makes you wonder who they are, well they’re everywhere. Men with wives/partners, he’s one of them. Don’t believe his lies.

BeenThereDoneThatHellNo · 02/11/2023 21:59

As someone who went through this exact scenario, he is an addict. He is lying. He is also highly likely afraid of intimacy. One doesn't need to be intimate with a prostitute like they do with their partner. Get yourself a test for STD and get out. He won't get help unless he has consequences that motivate him. Your self esteem will only get worse until you feel worthless. If I could go back in time, I would have left and not wasted years while he lied and cheated and even blamed me for our lack of sex because he was addicted to porn, prostitutes, phone sex... much like drugs, it escalates. Before you know it, they are asking to have non protected sex and getting more and more risky. Any fear of losing him you already have will be NOTHING compared to the shitstorm you are going to face.

Two resources

Samual's videos
https://youtube.com/@AffairrecoveryLLC?si=gBsxYG2-YHjf19tp

https://www.robertweissmsw.com/about-sex-addiction/information-for-spousespartners/

Before you continue to YouTube

https://youtube.com/@AffairrecoveryLLC?si=gBsxYG2-YHjf19tp

Mumof3confused · 02/11/2023 22:32

Please don’t tie yourself down any further with this man. You deserve so much more

SPKX · 06/03/2024 23:56

This happened to me what was your outcome!!!!!

Redruby2020 · 10/03/2024 15:32

wellhelloitsme · 09/08/2022 08:10

All men who are caught booking prostitutes say they'd never go through with it / it was for the thrill etc.

And they're always lying.

Men who pay for sex cannot ever know for sure that the sex worker isn't trafficked, abused, coerced etc.

But they are willing to take the risk.

Decent men don't do that.

He is not a decent man.

Please don't stay with a man who isn't decent.

It will erode your confidence and self worth.

It will leave you feeling confused and anxious, all the time.

And he'll do it again.

I did read this post when it was first posted, from memory. But it has just flagged up because of new replies.
Well I'm a late replies here, but yes, just like window shopping 🤷🏻‍♀️ you might go in and buy one day.

I should think most men who have got caught out say similar things.

Kassy222 · 10/06/2024 02:45

SPKX · 06/03/2024 23:56

This happened to me what was your outcome!!!!!

I was stupid, I stayed and he did it again lesson learnt leave leave leave! X

OP posts:
BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 10/06/2024 02:56

This man is a piano on your back. He’s making you feel worthless but you are absolutely not and his poisonous behaviour is slowly grinding you down and eroding your confidence and sense of self. Get away from him asap and reclaim your power back.

Don’t be defined by this dirty perv. How dare he!

I’d leave him to wank himself into oblivion and crack on with your life.x

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