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Original poster

How and when to bring things up with your partner.

94 replies

RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 22:35

Do any of you have a way to bring issues up that works?

How do you approach issues where you initially feel your partner upset you or was in the wrong sensitively?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 07/08/2022 22:36

I'd tell him at the time that he'd upset me??

Original poster
RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 22:39

Yes I try that but he is very touchy and will often say 'you always blame me' and says I am too critical. Or that I am 'making a mountain out of a molehill' or 'why do you always overthink things.'

I need a tactical way to circumvent his dismissiveness and inability to see in the moment what I am saying.

He hates 'long discussions' about feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 22:40

But if I bring them up later he says 'why didn't you say that at the time.' Every way I bring things up is wrong.

I'm not saying this is 100% his fault, hence the thread. I need methods

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2022 22:41

I'd be running for the hills if I were you. If you can't communicate maturely and effectively with your partner, nothing but trouble lies ahead. Also, the way he blames you and minimises your feelings is another huge red flag.

Dotcheck · 07/08/2022 22:41

Well, what is it about? If it’s how you like the toothpaste squeezed from the end and not the middle, I see his point. If he’s done something serious, or a serious issue needs discussing, then he needs to be a grown up and talk

BlueSlate · 07/08/2022 22:41

I'm not very good at bringung things up at the time. I like to have time to process what happened and my thoughts on it; what I want to say and what I want the outcome to be.

I always just say, "I need to talk to you about something." And he makes time to listen.

In my experience, if you don't feel able to bring it up either at the time or shortly afterwards, that is indicative of a bigger problem.

Original poster
RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 22:42

I went in a dog walk earlier after we had had a little set to about something in the garden and he said 'why are we having a discussion about a plant?' I tried to explain that it wasn't the plant but the way we had spoken to each other and he said I was overthinking. So if I mull anything over I'm also in the wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 22:43

Dotcheck · 07/08/2022 22:41

Well, what is it about? If it’s how you like the toothpaste squeezed from the end and not the middle, I see his point. If he’s done something serious, or a serious issue needs discussing, then he needs to be a grown up and talk

It was about where to move a plant pot to and I didn't understand what he said. He got shitty with me immediately. I didn't like that and said so but was accused or overthinking

OP posts:
Original poster
RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 22:44

BlueSlate · 07/08/2022 22:41

I'm not very good at bringung things up at the time. I like to have time to process what happened and my thoughts on it; what I want to say and what I want the outcome to be.

I always just say, "I need to talk to you about something." And he makes time to listen.

In my experience, if you don't feel able to bring it up either at the time or shortly afterwards, that is indicative of a bigger problem.

Yeah that's what I'm worried about. I asked him how he would prefer me to bring things up and he said 'not in a way that blames me.'

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2022 22:45

Is this really what you want out of a relationship? I think you should raise your standards.

Original poster
RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 22:45

I wonder if I bring up too many small things. They are upsetting though so I don't feel right just shrugging them off.

He said he doesn't want to discuss small things but I took that as he only wants to talk about things he considers important

OP posts:
Original poster
RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 22:46

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2022 22:45

Is this really what you want out of a relationship? I think you should raise your standards.

I'm trying. That's why I want to find a way to fix this

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2022 22:46

He's gaslighting you and bullying you into keeping your mouth shut. He is not a good man.

How long have you been with him?

BlueSlate · 07/08/2022 22:47

RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 22:40

But if I bring them up later he says 'why didn't you say that at the time.' Every way I bring things up is wrong.

I'm not saying this is 100% his fault, hence the thread. I need methods

There will be no method that works.

It's not that you are approaching it incorrectly or at the wrong time.

He is unwilling to have these conversations and so, whatever method you choose, he will find fault with.

He knows exactly what you are saying. But he doesn't want to listen.

You cannot circumvent his dismissiveness because it is not a response to your approach; it is intentional on his part.

Original poster
RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 22:47

15 years

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2022 22:47

It's not your job to fix him, and you couldn't even if you tried. YOU are not responsible for managing HIS behaviour.

Original poster
RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 22:47

@BlueSlate so there is now way to fix this?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2022 22:48

RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 22:47

15 years

Long enough, I'd say. Far too long.

BlueSlate · 07/08/2022 22:48

RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 22:46

I'm trying. That's why I want to find a way to fix this

Show quote history

You will fix it by walking away.

You cannot change his behaviours only how you respond to them.

Original poster
RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 22:48

@Aquamarine1029 so how the hell do I stop these stupid things happening?

OP posts:
ednatheevilwitch · 07/08/2022 22:49

I suspect that your 'problem' is not how to approach issues at all but the fact that your dp wants to make things feel so bad that you stop communicating. If you are feeling like you cannot say how you feel and are walking on eggshells then your problem is more likely to be your partner!

Original poster
RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 22:49

God now I feel sad. Ugh.

OP posts:
Original poster
RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 22:50

@ednatheevilwitch I do feel like I am on eggshells a lot. He is very huffy

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2022 22:50

RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 22:48

@Aquamarine1029 so how the hell do I stop these stupid things happening?

You leave him. He's abusive and that's never changing. Only you can decide that you're not living like this anymore. You wasted enough time already making excuses for his behaviour and thinking he'll change. He won't.

Original poster
RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 22:50

I hadn't thought of it like that. He doesn't want me to bring anything up. But why?

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