How and when to bring things up with your partner.

[RightsHoardingRaptor]

Do any of you have a way to bring issues up that works?

How do you approach issues where you initially feel your partner upset you or was in the wrong sensitively?

These are absolute bare minimum things. They don’t make him “good”.

it really doesn’t matter why he’s like he is. Best case scenario your communication styles don’t match and never will, worst case he’s a gaslighting abuser.

why would you choose to continue a life where you’re constantly second guessing yourself, walking on eggshells and searching for a solution that doesn’t exist over one where you could leave him and not have to deal with any of this?

If it genuinely is a mismatch in communication and issues relating back to his childhood, suggest couples counselling. If he’s resistant to that idea then he has no interest in changing or working this out, he just wants you to shut up and never pull him up when he’s been rude and dismissive.

OP my dh is a lot like this. In his case it's because he is insecure, so every time I disagree with something he does, he sees it as a personal attack on his abilities.

I have learned to live with it and only disagree with him if it's something really important and even then I'm careful with my phrasing.

In your example I would have just moved the pot myself 'to see how it looks', or if too big I would have said maybe try it in both spots to see which looks best. 90% of the time he'd agree with me and not feel like a fool for even thinking of the other way.

Over the last 20 years he has grown in confidence and is much easier to discuss things with. Whenever he gets his defensive shout head on I call him out on it immediately. 'Why are you getting in a mood about a plant pot????'. He then calms right down and we discuss the pot like adults.

Yes it's hard work, but all marriages take work. He has insecurity and low confidence. I didn't give up on him same as I wouldn't give up on him if he developed a physical illness.

Change the way you approach anything he might argue about. Avoid stuff if you need to. If you need a heartfelt discussion do it in a neutral place. Maybe even with a counsellor x

@Shoxfordian yes this is very true. He has recently got a hobby after not having anything other than work for years. It is quite solitary so I am hoping an effective way of communicating plus time to think may help him put the work in.

@RedBonnet yes this is exactly it! He is massively insecure and sees lots of things I do as criticising him, having a go, telling him he is stupid, having some kind of ulterior motive to make him look stupid - none of which are true.

I can let things go, he never ever ever pushes the issue if I don't. He's actually quite quiet and introverted at home, so it's not like some posters think, him doing everything in his power to bring lots of things up and drag me down.

His criticism I think seems to stem from taking most things personally. He's a bit of a sensitive baby in that sense. Such as I didn't do the food shop as I was knackered and he takes it as I don't love him... that's what he implied ... as he puts more weight on certain ways he sees as valid ways of showing love.

Bringing up issues is not one of those ways for him. He said yesterday 'well, if you really want I will start bringing up my issues and feelings and not just letting it go' good I said!!

It's nice to see that there are ways to handle it. I 100% do think there is a way. It's definitely a confidence / insecurity thing, a childhood of being told he is stupid and less than.

The pot thing was stupid as it involved him asking me where it wanted moving to, me saying something vague like 'over there somewhere' and him getting annoyed that I didn't have specifics.

Why when so so many things can be approached and fixed, is no faith ever given to women who want to try and get past this behaviour?

So here you're saying that the change will come from you? But you're fine as you are, it's his behaviour that needs to change. You can't do this on his behalf and if he's not willing to change... and why would he after 15 years. Things from his point if view are fine - he controls the way you respond, you tiptoe around him.

No faith is given to women to get past this behaviour because women are conditioned to put up with all sort of shit and take responsibility for other people's behaviour. But you're not a magician, you can't change someone else's personality.

No I don't think the change needs to come from me, I think I need to chip away and build trust and get to the bottom of it, call him out and hope he does the work.

I don't think it's outside the realms of possibility.

You could be describing my ex husband.

He worked hard, all the bills were paid; he took on an equal share of the housework and childcare; was supportive of me going out with my friends; supported my hobbies; supported me through university; was a great cook; didn't drink; no drugs...

And yet he did the same as yours. I spent 11 years trying to find the magic combination of words, thinking if I just found the correct way of approaching things, it would make all the difference and he'd realise I wasn't the things he was accusing me of being...

And then, one day, I had an epiphany. He wasn't a stupid man. He managed people a lot less articulate than I was every day and had no issues understanding them or making himself understood by them.

It was that he had no interest in what I said: had no interest in resolving issues that took anything more than me backing down and keeping quiet.

We split up. Our children are now older and he is the same with them. I can see the emotional manipulation more clearly now. So can they so it doesn't work.

Why when so so many things can be approached and fixed, is no faith ever given to women who want to try and get past this behaviour?

It's because you can't fix someone else's behaviour. All you can do is fix your own. This is his to fix and, if he has no interest in doing so, then he won't. All you can do is decide to put your head in the sand, ignore and put up with it or remove it from your life.

There isn't a third, 'helping him to understand/correct method of communication' you can find. He will find fault with every approach because he wants to.

He doesn't want to resolve things, he wants you to shut up.

Things from his point of view aren't fine. He says he hates the bickering and arguing and weird mis communications too.

@BlueSlate thanks for the response. This got me - 'It was that he had no interest in what I said: had no interest in resolving issues that took anything more than me backing down and keeping quiet.'

This is true of us when it is feeling. Very dismissive. But I always feel it is defensiveness.

Maybe I am disillusioned to want to find something invisible and unachievable.

I think I'll say that need time we talk : argue and see what he says. Confront him with how he doesn't want to communicate with me so no method will ever work.

I don't disbelieve any of you who have been through this. Maybe there isn't a third solution. Suppose I will have my own epiphany at some point.

I'm not financially independent at the moment so that complicates things / maybe adds to my need to make it work / convince myself I can sort this

His criticism I think seems to stem from taking most things personally. He's a bit of a sensitive baby in that sense. Such as I didn't do the food shop as I was knackered and he takes it as I don't love him... that's what he implied ... as he puts more weight on certain ways he sees as valid ways of showing love.

Tbh, there's nothing any one here is going to be able to say.

That's not being 'sensitive', it's manipulative. He goes into a strop if you haven't done the foodshop because you were too knackered but he thinks it means you don't love him? Of course he doesn't believe that! It's a means of manipulating and controlling. Most partners would offer to do it themselves in that case, or suggest a takeaway and make you a cup of tea or something. Not bleat on about you not loving them enough.

The method that always works for me is only having partners that aren't huffy prats. Not all men are like this, find a better one.

Yeah, so did my ex husband.

I also dated a man a couple of years ago who tried similar but he wasn't as good at is and I was wise to it.

He was also upset about the miscommunication.

And then, he revealed himself one day by saying that, at his age, he didn't expect to be challenged.

These men aren't hurt sensitive souls, they are manipulative and controlling.

Why is it you think the woman needs to do the work to fix them?

Women aren't rehab centres for badly behaved men to paraphrase a quote I can't quite remember! It's not our place to tip toe round, cajoling and encouraging another adult to behave like one.

He might hate the bickering. He wants you to solve it by keeping quiet. Otherwise, he'd haves some solutions beyond just telling you you're wrong.

He'd have some viable suggestions for resolution/communication of his own that wouldn't upset him or trigger his sensitive soul...

I've actually thought of a different approach that might help you.

Next time he doesn't, reframe, in your head, what is happening.

Instead of feeling frustrated that you can't find a way of making him understand what you are trying to communicate; instead of seeing him as overly sensitive and defensive and feeling confused by it...

Instead of that, imagine that he does understand exactly what you are trying to say and what you mean; imagine that he is not a delicate soul breaking inside but a man who just doesn't have any interest in listening to you or your side of things. Imagine that every "but I think that means you don't love me" is cleverly designed to manipulate ypur emotions to get his own way.

Because I think that, if you do that, his behaviour will become a lot clearer to you.

Because unless he has difficulties with social communication in all aspects of his life. Unless it causes problems with his friends, when he goes to the pub, when he's at work, when he's in shops or banks, when he's dealing with anyone ever, because he misunderstands or becomes defensive, then he is choosing to misunderstand you akd it's nothing to do with you or your communication style.

And, by the same token, unless you have difficulty making yourself understood by everyone else in your life - with friends, at work, in the pub, in shops and banks etc, unless you constantly unwittingly antagonise people and find yourself having to apologise for things you've said without really understanding what you did wrong, then it's not you or your communication style...

DH has mental health issues & is on anti anxiety medication. My question is, AIBU about my expectations for him doing his share of housework or is he using his mental health as an excuse ?

I do all cooking, cleaning, foodshopping, manage finances, manage the garden. We've just had a baby and I've done every single night feed by myself while he sleeps in a different bedroom as he started a new job 2 months ago.

He takes the baby for a few hours at the weekend to give me a break bit other than this, it's on me.

He says he has a different view of cleaning & it doesn't need to be done to my standard but he leaves plates, bowls, food wrappers all over the house.

Any ideas ?

Thanks for all the replies - will read and respond

He didn't actually say it, just went on about not have had a proper meal for a few days which was a bit weird seeing as we have a Budgebs 5 minutes walk away

@Hillrunning that made me laugh. Every. Single. Partner. (Male and female) I have ever had has been huffy. My family is huffy. I invite in huffy. I don't know why.

@BlueSlate all good points. He did seem
Taken aback yesterday when I asked him for ideas on how I should approached him after he moaned about me doing it wrong.

The not being challenged thing is interesting, hadn't thought of that.

The specifics of what he actually said and the words he actually used aren't really important.

It was a 'bit weird because it makes no sense. It makes no sense because he's doing it on purpose.

@BlueSlate the reframing is a very good idea. I'm not saying I can't see it. I honestly do and I totally understand and am grateful for what you are all saying.

You don't invite it in. Everyone of us will meet people like that. The difference was whether you tolerate it or not. Whether you see it as your problem to solve or their problem to solve. What you decide you want for your life.

If your family is like it, then you have a model for it being normal. It is normal for a lot of people but you don't need to tolerate it.