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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How and when to bring things up with your partner.

94 replies

RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 22:35

Do any of you have a way to bring issues up that works?

How do you approach issues where you initially feel your partner upset you or was in the wrong sensitively?

OP posts:
Original poster
RightsHoardingRaptor · 08/08/2022 07:43

He does not have an issue communicating with other people, other than his mum and sister who push his buttons like I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
RightsHoardingRaptor · 08/08/2022 07:44

I am also never misunderstood by others and have lots and lots of very good friends who I talk to daily.

OP posts:
BlueSlate · 08/08/2022 07:47

RightsHoardingRaptor · 08/08/2022 07:42

@BlueSlate the reframing is a very good idea. I'm not saying I can't see it. I honestly do and I totally understand and am grateful for what you are all saying.

For me, the reframing helped because it stopped me in that, and future relationships, from being drawn into trying to get it right, trying to prove that I was trying to address and resolve an issue so that it didn't happen again rather than someone who was just hell bent on finding fault.

Interestingly, my partner now and I never have communication issues. We never argue and no one has to walk on eggshells.

Not because either of us is perfect but because we listen to each other respectfully and are both committed to resolving issues for the benefit of each other and the relationship.

BlueSlate · 08/08/2022 07:48

He does not have an issue communicating with other people, other than his mum and sister who push his buttons like I do.

I am also never misunderstood by others and have lots and lots of very good friends who I talk to daily.

I think you have your answer then.

BlueSlate · 08/08/2022 07:49

BlueSlate · 08/08/2022 07:48

He does not have an issue communicating with other people, other than his mum and sister who push his buttons like I do.

I am also never misunderstood by others and have lots and lots of very good friends who I talk to daily.

I think you have your answer then.

And I wasn't at all surprised to read any of that.

Original poster
RightsHoardingRaptor · 08/08/2022 07:52

@BlueSlate I don't tolerate it from my family anymore and keep my distance from my siblings because of it. My tolerance for it is waning. Probably why I am so keen to get rid of this last bit of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
RightsHoardingRaptor · 08/08/2022 07:53

I like the idea of reframing a lot as at a bare minimum it will stop me beating myself up and end the crazy making.

OP posts:
Original poster
RightsHoardingRaptor · 08/08/2022 07:54

I don't want my life to be like this any more. It's exhausting and just plain crap. I really like reframing. Thank you

OP posts:
BlueSlate · 08/08/2022 07:55

RightsHoardingRaptor · 08/08/2022 07:53

I like the idea of reframing a lot as at a bare minimum it will stop me beating myself up and end the crazy making.

Good luck.

I think you'll find it changes how you feel about the whole situation Flowers

Original poster
RightsHoardingRaptor · 08/08/2022 08:06

Thank you. I'm not scared of getting a new perspective. I need to stop dealing with this crap. This will help.

OP posts:
Sexdoesmatter · 08/08/2022 09:47

If you're financially dependent on him, i can see how this encourages you to see how you can cope with the situation as it is. Can you plan for how to be financially independent in the future. So at least then you may feel like you have options and are more in control of your life.

Sisiwawa · 08/08/2022 09:51

Great advice on here!
Reframing is helpful, but sorry to say, it will probably lead to the end of the relationship eventually, once you are more detached from his BS behaviour. You sound amazing and fighting with this for 15 years is crazy-making. You say you can't leave right now, but just look after your own MH until you can, it wears you down.
So the 3 people who love him most in the world 'Push his buttons'? It's not you guys, it's him. You can't change someone and it sounds like he doesn't want to 'hear' you. Maybe try couples counselling if he's willing

BlueSlate · 08/08/2022 10:33

Reframing is helpful, but sorry to say, it will probably lead to the end of the relationship eventually, once you are more detached from his BS behaviour.

It probably will but if you read how the OP describes her feelings towards it all - I don't want my life to be like this any more. It's exhausting and just plain crap.

It doesn't sound like it ending will be a bad thing.

Couples counselling isn't recommended where one partner is abusive because they are not going into it with the same intention as the other person and use it to manipulate further.

Watchthesunrise · 08/08/2022 12:15

Maybe it would help to use communication tips that work for when one talks to children? They say to keep your message short: no more than about six words. As any more words don't really get heard (the child hears blah blah blah blah).

If you want something, find a way to get straight to it. Like "honey when you go out can you get bread" is better than how I hear many women talk. They think they're communicating when they say, "I need to do this and do that and the Jones are coming for lunch and we need bread so someone needs to get bread and we need to clean up too."

Six words, be direct, ask for what you want.

Watchthesunrise · 08/08/2022 12:17

So many people baiting you to split up. Seems a bit dramatic!

BlueSlate · 08/08/2022 12:27

Watchthesunrise · 08/08/2022 12:17

So many people baiting you to split up. Seems a bit dramatic!

And yet you're advising her to speak to him - an adult, functioning man - as she would a child...

Just think about it for a moment.

A.relationship is not a prize. Its supposed to enhance your life. Read her posts. Does she sound happy?

It's not baiting. It's reassurance that it's OK to do so if it's what she wants and encouraging to stop falling over herself to fix a problem that he is deliberately creating.

Sisiwawa · 08/08/2022 13:43

@BlueSlate
Genuine question, is he being abusive? Is it deliberate behaviour, or is it a deeply ingrained response? Or does that not really matter?
Am asking as my situation is similar, we went to counselling and he said all the right things, it felt genuine and good that he took ownership but by 3rd session the counsellor mentioned seperation! He hasn't made changes outside this as he now says he probably can't change, got no fight in him etc! Not necessarily abuse, just incapable?!

BlueSlate · 08/08/2022 14:01

Sisiwawa

I was in a relationship once with a man who was 'troubled'. His controlling and manipulative behaviour was quite easily explained away by a couple of factors. It didn't excuse it but it did explain it.

He didn't mean to be abusive but his behaviour was. The impact on me was no different to it would have been if he'd done all of it intentionally and was an utter arsehole. It took a friend to point this out to me.

That's where the mindshift comes. It doesn't matter how easily explained his behaviour was, the impact on me was negative. It made me anxious and placed restrictions on my movements and my behaviours. It controlled me.

Point is, it doesn't matter if its intentionally abusive, learned behaviour, a feeling of inadequacy, anxiety, insecurity, defensiveness or whatever. It doesn't matter what the reasons or the explanations.

If you experience it as 'abusive' then it is.

In your case, your partner is telling you that your relationship is not worth his effort. That you happiness, your peace of mind, your security whatever are not worth a bit of effort or discomfort on his part.

Sisiwawa · 08/08/2022 14:38

@BlueSlate
That's so helpful and clear. Thank you
You're right, the reasons why don't really matter, only the effect it has on you OP,
Years spent trying to analyse and understand it are wasted if he's not willing to make the changes...

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