How and when to bring things up with your partner.

[RightsHoardingRaptor]

Do any of you have a way to bring issues up that works?

How do you approach issues where you initially feel your partner upset you or was in the wrong sensitively?

I can't help but think he might

Yes, of course there is. You leave him.

But you want a way to change him and that won't happen.

There is no correct, magic combination of words that is going to make him say, "Ohhh! Yes, of course," and listen to you. He's not an idiot and you've spent 15 years trying to find the magic word combination.

If it existed, do you not think you'd have found it by now?

Well yes, that is a good point. We ended the chat tonight on a weird note: sort of not resolved.

He said I go into too much detail. He doesn't like it if I take too long to say what I need to say. I honestly don't. I'm quite crap at storytelling so I definitely don't go round the houses.

He said it annoys him when I start with something like 'i think we need to clear the air.' As he doesn't think we do and it's over for him.

That’s my line in the sand — the walking on eggshells—- and once it’s been crossed I feel there’s no going back.
I actually said similar to a colleague when I’d only been married a few months, something like as long as I keep the peace and don’t say anything he can argue with. She realised I was on a hiding to nothing. Sadly I didn’t and stayed another 4 miserable years.

I have raised it with him and he says he is walking on eggshells too but I wonder if he feels like that as I call him out on his behaviour.

I honestly don't sit back and take it. I confront him on it all. He does respond quite well sometimes but others not so much

Op there is a tactic that abusers use called DARVO. Have a read up on it. It sounds like he is gaslighting you.

@ednatheevilwitch thank you, I will do that now

I don't think this man even likes you. He certainly doesn't respect you.

Well I have asked him that and he says he does but I do wonder.

Hey OP, sorry things have been a bit tricky. To answer the original question, it might be worth going for a walk together, just the two of you and trying to open up the conversation about what's going on.

I have found this to be quite successful with men who can be defensive and closed off. Something about going out in nature allows people to let their guard down slightly. It's also a less confrontational environment and position (side by side walking). It's easier to process information whilst walking too because of the left & right brain stimulation. I wouldn't go in for the big talk about everything all at once - but I would find the first thing that is most important to you to discuss, go for a walk and tactfully bring it up. Chip away at the situation over a few walking sessions. Let it be known that you want to work on communication and that you are open to making a plan together for this.

I think people are quick to tell others to leave their partners with minimal context. Relationships take work, many people bring baggage to relationships and often find communication difficult. That doesn't mean it's a lost cause.

@SpringSunshine09 thank you so much. I really really don't want to leave him. You're right, a thread about this looks catastrophic but a lot of the relationship is good.

Walking is a good idea. We are going away in a couple of weeks so I think this will allow a few things to be brought up.

He is very defensive but had a terrible relationship with his family, much better now but he is definitely the disappointment. I wonder if he thinks I am getting at him as his childhood was full of people having a go at him and not accepting him.

He also has no friends and struggles with talking to everyone about how he feels, not just me. Also dyslexic and if I use long words says he feels like I make him feel stupid.

He 100% needs to take more responsibility for his life and feelings and blame less. I need to find a way to bring that up without him feeling like I am telling him he is doing something wrong as a wall just goes up and I get the 'always, never' answers and responses. Such as 'fine, I will never help in the garden again'

I'm interested in things like the walking, what methods people use: I need a tactic as we are fudging it.

He runs his own business, works hard, pays the bills, doesn't drink or go off down the pub, never puts sport or anything above me and dd. He's really not all bad. We just have some issues with communication.

Ah there you go, that makes sense. My partner and I have had a similar dynamic in our communication styles. I don't know if you buy into attachment theory - but it all clicked for me when I sussed out our attachment styles (mine being anxious and his being avoident). Then I found some stuff on the internet about how communication in relationships works/looks between these two styles. It really rung true and taught me a lot about why we were clashing lots. It sounds like your partner has an avoident attachment style, which will be rooted in his upbringing. If this is the case, he will not like feeling cornered and that's why the walking and planting the seed style of communication might work! The other thing to consider is his mental health - could he be a bit depressed or something if he is a bit snappy all the time?

I do feel a bit conflicted sometimes when people are so quick to suggest that the DP/DH is a demon/abuser who should be left immediately. Obviously there are some cases where this certainly could be true. But I feel like many of us have pain and many of us bring this pain to our relationships and it plays out in different ways - but surely if we can't work on this with the people we love, then we'd all just be alone and miserable?! If that makes any sense... obviously there is a line if things don't change and there isn't love and respect but relationships always take work.

I also do want to add that I hope you are okay and that things get better for you - your well-being is important - sending big hugs.

I think the walking is a good idea, or definitely just somewhere out of the house. It sounds like an automatic defensive mechanism for him.
My husband is similar, Dyslexic, no confidence and very defensive, doesn't want to take responsibility for his (often ill-thought out) actions, felt 'stupid' as a kid and this has followed through to age 50. I have tried every which way to find a way to get him to truly hear me and make changes over the years. A previous poster was correct in saying if there was a way, you would have found it by now.
Unfortunately I've given up, its exhausting. we're splitting up as he just can't or won't take responsibility in life.

This is the same man who criticises you every day and chips away at your self esteem? He can’t take any criticism himself? I’m shocked.

I’m team LTB.

@SpringSunshine09 thank you so so much. I will look into that. I wonder about that often. He has never felt safe, never felt valued, had to defend himself from constant criticism, was sent away when he was young due to behaviour. He was very sad and troubled.

I was gifted and very much also the black sheep, felt completely misunderstood. I think both of these are playing out.

I am ok 90% of the time. It isn't as bad as it used to be. Things have improved a lot which is why I don't want to just leave. He seems too sad to do that when I know we can get there, maybe not perfect, but closer.

My family communicate passive aggressively so I have no idea what I am doing either, and he had to put up wire that for 5 years until I figure that out and stopped.

Our days are usually he goes to work, I deal with dd and the dog and work from home, he comes home and we are all ok. We just have these little mis matches which cause mayhem. If I understand it better then I think the eggshells will go. If I can understand I can predict, which will reduce the nerves and chaos.

I really appreciate your responses, thank you

Yes I think he may be depressed but completely unable to see it. I told him tonight that I can't be everything for him and he needs to reach out to others but he said he would never ever talk to anyone else about his feelings.

@Sisiwawa This is a concern for me. I hope it isn't too painful for you. I felt like giving up tonight.

It's hard when they have this internalised. How do I convince him I am not his past? No idea

Yes, but he can't see it. He did say tonight we both need to be kinder to each other. Says I criticise and am a know it all. I'm not, but he doesn't like it when he says eg pandas eat burgers and I say no, they eat bamboo. He will say I am a know it all. Do I just not say anything when he says something wildly wrong?

Sounds really exhausting to me. Sorry x

Can you really not understand that he is gaslighting you. He does this to shut you down, shut you up, and make you think you're the one at fault for wanting to discuss things.

What you see is what you get, op. This man will never change no matter how many walks you go on together. You are just grasping at straws.

Yes, I can see that his way of dealing with things is to a avoid conversations, blame me, start with the crazy making. Of course I can see it and I agree, he he gaslighting me, but I'm not naive and helpless and unaware.

Why when so so many things can be approached and fixed, is no faith ever given to women who want to try and get past this behaviour?

He has improved, he is getting a better a understanding of his emotions, he's not very emotionally intelligent so it's a challenge.

Yes he can be an arsehole but I'm not going to upend my life right now. It's not the time and the toll that would take on us all would be disproportionate

He’s not going to change if he doesn’t see the problem and just blames you for it all

As you said, you used to be more passive aggressive and then you realised, made some changes and now you don’t react like that- he’s done none of this work on his own reactions and you can’t do the work for him