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Original poster

DP spending his redundancy money to go abroad alone for a wedding! Am I unreasonable?

81 replies

Keli1984 · 07/08/2022 04:16

Dp and I moved in together 12 months ago, we bought a house with joint mortgage and equity from my house. DP has been made redundant and I'm now sole earner, we are both paying half mortgage and bills, I couldn't afford to do so on my own.

DP is setting up a business so currently no income and using his redundancy money ongoing, but this will run out in October this year. This is really worrying me as I don't know how we can afford this house without any income from DP.

The issue is that, he is going to his friends wedding abroad which will cost about £2000 for 10days... this is 3 months 50% of the mortgage and bills and I feel DP is not prioritising our house, everything we have built up and our relationship.

I don't have a problem with him going to the wedding, just that I'm in a position where I sold my affordable house to buy our house and now that is at risk!!

I was asked to go but didn't really want to waste the money to go to a wedding of people I don't know!

I would have liked to take my son away, while DP is away but I've had to accept I can't afford to do that.

Recently we have been away for 5days holiday in this country and he was complaining we have no money and can't afford it.. yet he can go on holiday on his own and spend all that money!

I know it's his money and he can do with it what he likes but I'm feeling in a vulnerable position and also like he is not considering our house or future.

Am I being unreasonable? How can I approach the subject without looking like I'm annoyed he's going on holiday for 10days and I'm not!

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 07/08/2022 04:40

You call him your partner, but he isn’t acting like one. He isn’t taking the needs of the household into consideration when spending large sums of money. Partners typically discuss large purchases and only proceed if both parties are comfortable.

the other possibility is that you simply aren’t compatible with regards to financial discipline. Many people would never consider spending money on a trip if they were living off of money from an old job. They would never even consider attending the wedding because it is unaffordable. Other people think of you have the liquid funds, they are available to be spent. The two different types should never partner.

carefullycourageous · 07/08/2022 04:46

You say 'I know it is his money' but actually lots of couples, including the one I'm in, view all money as household money.

He's being a dickhead here.

I think you can say to him you are very unhappy about him spending such a large amount of money when household money is a worry. See what he says.

You can be annoyed he's going on holiday for 10 days when you're not. He's spending two grand when you're not!

MiauzenKatzenjammer · 07/08/2022 04:47

It would be reasonable to ask him when he expects the business to start making a profit and suggest he defer any major leisure expenditure until then.

icklekid · 07/08/2022 05:06

i wouldn’t make it about the holiday I’d ask him what his plan is for when the redundancy money runs out in order to be able to afford the house together. Ultimately that will lead to knowing this time is approaching faster because of the holiday but hopefully it means that isn’t the focus of the conversation! It’s perfectly reasonable and rational to be worried about not being able to afford the house payments and you both need to have a plan for that…

YukoandHiro · 07/08/2022 05:15

Are you joint owners or tenants in common?
Do you have a spare bedroom you can let out?
YANBU but i agree with the poster who says don't make it about the holiday because he will he offensive. Ask how he's going to contribute his half of the bills and mortgage when his redundancy runs out. Could he apply for jobs while also keeping the business going on the side for a while? Can he do any freelance/consulting work? (You don't say his sector so it's hard to know it that's relevant)

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 07/08/2022 05:19

Did you protect your down payment?

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/08/2022 05:32

Spend more time working out how to exit this and less wondering about his motivations.

He's a wannabe cocklodger.

Whataretheodds · 07/08/2022 06:01

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 07/08/2022 05:19

Did you protect your down payment?

This

custardbear · 07/08/2022 06:47

Tell him he urgently needs income, even if it's temping because of mortgage and bills which are rising again soon. Does he realise you can't pay it all alone?

velvetvixen · 07/08/2022 07:01

I'm afraid you've made a huge mistake buying in with this man. This is your future with a wannabe cocklodger.

Augend23 · 07/08/2022 07:02

What's his plan to ensure he's making enough to cover half the bills by October? I assume the 2k would extend that to December?

I cannot comprehend the idea of spending redundancy on a wedding if I had no income source.

Is he nearly at the point of having a stable-ish income? When did he get made redundant? I sort of feel you can't have a business with a long run time to profitability if you aren't doing it on top of your day job.

Cervinia · 07/08/2022 07:07

Are you sure he doesn’t have money squirrelled away but let you put in all the deposit?

i also hope you ring fenced that deposit.

HappyHappyHermit · 07/08/2022 07:19

Could he maybe get a second job while his business is still in the setting up stage? You need to protect yourself and your son here.

50daysplus · 07/08/2022 07:20

How much is your mortgage if £2000 is 3 months the share and that's only your DP? What will you do if you split?

saleorbouy · 07/08/2022 07:24

He doesn't sound very financially astute and lacks the understanding that many new businesses rarely make sufficient money after starting to turn a profit or reasonable salary for the owner.
He should be more responsible with his redundancy money, it's not a lottery windfall but there to tide you over until you get back on your feet with a new job.
You're right to be concerned as he seems to be shirking his financial obligations made between you.
You need to communicate the situation to him so that you don't end up potentially in arrears and losing your home.
In the current financial landscape of mortgage rate rises and inflation his trip is a bit delusional.

midgetastic · 07/08/2022 07:42

Put the house on the market now

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 07:45

Tell him you'll have to downsize in x months as you can't go on covering him?

SunshineAndFizz · 07/08/2022 07:58

I'd be really stressed about this.

Even if his business was up and running tomorrow, how long will it take for decent money to come in (factoring in the time it takes for invoices to be paid/money to be in your bank etc.). October isn't far away.

You need to sit down and have an honest conversation about money. Don't mention the holiday itself but forecast how much you need and by when, how long it'll take for his earnings to flow through etc and make him realise the position you're in.

Rewis · 07/08/2022 08:03

Can he still pay 50% of everything or is he expecting you to pick up the slack after October?

PermanentTemporary · 07/08/2022 08:06

October is really not very far away... what's his plan?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 07/08/2022 08:22

How does he plan to cover his share of the mortgage and bills if he spends this money on going to the wedding?

How does he plan to cover his share once the redundancy money has run out?

What has he said when you’ve asked him this?

And I really hope you’ve protected your investment in the house!

Fadeout83 · 07/08/2022 08:22

Very few new businesses would be profitable by October. What exactly is the plan come October? Seems a more important question than the holiday tbh

awwbiscuits · 07/08/2022 08:34

I sincerely hope you had him sign a declaration of trust

daisychain01 · 07/08/2022 08:36

Cervinia · 07/08/2022 07:07

Are you sure he doesn’t have money squirrelled away but let you put in all the deposit?

i also hope you ring fenced that deposit.

As they aren't married the OP just needs to prove the amount they paid from the sale of they previous property. If they were married it would be a different matter, they could probably kiss goodbye to half the deposit (depending on the length of marriage and having a SHL).

NOTANUM · 07/08/2022 08:37

Have you agreed a split of house ownership that reflects your additional investment?

I think this depends on whether the new business is likely to be profitable by October. If he’s an electrician going solo or an IT contractor, it’s a high chance. If he’s building a business from scratch, it’s pretty low. A holiday when you can make the bills is a bad idea.

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