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Original poster

DP spending his redundancy money to go abroad alone for a wedding! Am I unreasonable?

81 replies

Keli1984 · 07/08/2022 04:16

Dp and I moved in together 12 months ago, we bought a house with joint mortgage and equity from my house. DP has been made redundant and I'm now sole earner, we are both paying half mortgage and bills, I couldn't afford to do so on my own.

DP is setting up a business so currently no income and using his redundancy money ongoing, but this will run out in October this year. This is really worrying me as I don't know how we can afford this house without any income from DP.

The issue is that, he is going to his friends wedding abroad which will cost about £2000 for 10days... this is 3 months 50% of the mortgage and bills and I feel DP is not prioritising our house, everything we have built up and our relationship.

I don't have a problem with him going to the wedding, just that I'm in a position where I sold my affordable house to buy our house and now that is at risk!!

I was asked to go but didn't really want to waste the money to go to a wedding of people I don't know!

I would have liked to take my son away, while DP is away but I've had to accept I can't afford to do that.

Recently we have been away for 5days holiday in this country and he was complaining we have no money and can't afford it.. yet he can go on holiday on his own and spend all that money!

I know it's his money and he can do with it what he likes but I'm feeling in a vulnerable position and also like he is not considering our house or future.

Am I being unreasonable? How can I approach the subject without looking like I'm annoyed he's going on holiday for 10days and I'm not!

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 07/08/2022 08:39

Did you ring fence the deposit OP?

This ‘own business’ looks like it is going to be funded by the security of your job.

Also, sorry, but is there a reason you aren’t married?

RainbowsMoonbeams · 07/08/2022 08:43

So it’s his money when it comes to his redundancy, yet you used equity from your previous house that he clearly benefitted from in terms of getting on the property ladder?

Come on, you are being taken for a fool. If he doesn’t pull his finger out, you and your child risk losing the house.

LilyMarshall · 07/08/2022 08:44

we bought a house with joint mortgage and equity from my house.
is this protected?

i agree with all other pp. Ask how will he pay X amount towards bills in October? Be specific with the number. How will he contribute to food and other costs?

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 07/08/2022 08:46

I would tell him very simply if he goes and spends £2000 on a fucking wedding while not working and not bringing in money for his FAMILY, then he will not have a home or family to return to after the wedding. His choice, family or one night.

And I hope to God you followed a solicitors usual advice and protected your side of the contribution to the house so he doesn't get it.

ChaToilLeam · 07/08/2022 08:49

He’s absolute out of order and taking the piss. A roof over your heads is a priority, a holiday is not. I’d be reading the riot act over this.

TooHotToTangoToo · 07/08/2022 08:56

As others have said, I hope you've ring fenced the deposit.

That aside I'd be seriously thinking of putting the house on the market. If he's going to run out of money in October. He's highly unlikely to make enough money out of a new business venture in 2 months to pay his half of the bills (normally it takes at least 12 months). He's being incredibly short sited if he's spending 4 months additional bill money on a holiday.

The only time I'd be happy about him going away is if he had secured another job and had an official offer and contract signed

DelilahBucket · 07/08/2022 08:57

This is not responsible of him at all. My DH was made redundant and he has used some of the money to retrain. He took four months without earning to do the training, and then has gotten work while he waited for his exams. He plans to be self employed, but will build this up alongside his current job. That is the sensible thing to do. He wouldn't have even considered blowing £2000 on a holiday for just himself even with a stable income.
You are not partners OP, he isn't treating you like one at all.

Fushiadreams · 07/08/2022 09:01

You say 'I know it is his money' but actually lots of couples, including the one I'm in, view all money as household money.

and lots of couples don’t, honestly who cares.

op, why don’t you talk to him about your worry? Just talk to him about it.

endofthelinefinally · 07/08/2022 09:03

As pp have said, I really hope you have ringfenced the deposit and that you both signed a declaration of trust and you have all the legal paperwork safe.
Your relationship is not an equal one and you would be wise to sell up, retrieve your share of the property and buy something in your sole name.

Charlieiscool · 07/08/2022 09:05

He has shown you who he is. You could separate now or go through a few more rounds and then end up separated. I hope he doesn’t manage to screw you for half the deposit you put down.

comfortablyfrumpy · 07/08/2022 09:05

Honestly, I would be considering selling, and going back to an affordable property on your own.

I am sorry, but he sounds irresponsible and you havevto priories security for you and your child here.
I hope you protected your deposit.

Original poster
Keli1984 · 07/08/2022 09:14

I did protect the equity with declaration of trust. Been stung like that before x

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 07/08/2022 09:16

His overall attitude stinks. So you've put down a sizeable deposit on the new house, work full time, have a child which you can't afford to take on holiday. Meanwhile he's keeping his redundancy money to himself to spend how he wishes, having the summer off from working whilst he builds a new business and going on a holiday by himself to a mates wedding. He's landed on his feet with you op. You're being taken advantage of big time.

Charlieiscool · 07/08/2022 09:21

If he isn’t bringing money in he needs to get off his arse and pull pints or something because he isn’t slouched in front of his computer working on his business day and night. If he’s launching a business and sinking his redundancy money in to that with you carrying him and seeing to the mortgage and bills he is taking you for a fool. Your DS deserves better in his life. Wise up. Get out before you default on the joint mortgage.

Original poster
Keli1984 · 07/08/2022 09:24

I have, my solicitor did this when we purchased x

OP posts:
CiderJolly · 07/08/2022 09:26

Thank goodness you had the wisdom to protect your equity!

He doesn’t sound like a decent man and I would make plans to split up (without necessarily telling him yet).

I take it your son is just yours and not his?

RudsyFarmer · 07/08/2022 09:26

Did he ask you your opinion on being sole provider for the house come October?

SuperCamp · 07/08/2022 09:28

daisychain01 · 07/08/2022 08:36

As they aren't married the OP just needs to prove the amount they paid from the sale of they previous property. If they were married it would be a different matter, they could probably kiss goodbye to half the deposit (depending on the length of marriage and having a SHL).

Show quote history

Daisychain No, to be sure of protecting her stake the house needs to have been bought as ‘Tenants In Common’ rather than ‘Joint Tenants’ with a deed spelling out how much she owns. Or some other deed / declaration of trust.

Women need to be very careful indeed in protecting their security.

SnoogyWoo · 07/08/2022 09:28

Is he putting the effort in to start and build this new business or is he just wanting to look busy instead of finding a new job?
I started my business 5 years ago and it’s taken an extraordinary amount of effort and time to get to the point where I am now earning good money.
To be earning a good wage from a startup business by October is very unrealistic I’m afraid.

rookiemere · 07/08/2022 09:28

You need to have a non emotional conversation with him where you ask if he has his share of mortgage and bills for the next 3 months.I'd also explain that you have enough to cover your share, but you cannot afford to subsidise him.

If he doesn't then you need to proceed from there. I'd suggest he needs to get a paid job and/or not go to the wedding. Unfortunately you can't make him, all you can do is look at how you could extricate yourself from the situation.

SuperCamp · 07/08/2022 09:34

PersonaNonGarter:
Also, sorry, but is there a reason you aren’t married?

Given that she owns the majority of the house, has a job and is the sole earner, marriage right now would make her more, not less, secure. Thank goodness she isn’t married, and can retain her full share of the asset, her pension etc, if they should split.

GoodThinkingMax · 07/08/2022 09:41

He’s not really thinking as if he’s half of a partnership, sadly.

Cherchezlaspice · 07/08/2022 09:54

Have you said all of this to him? If so, what was his response?

Holidayworries · 07/08/2022 09:55

What's his plan for when the money runs out?

comfortablyfrumpy · 07/08/2022 09:59

Keli1984 · 07/08/2022 09:24

I have, my solicitor did this when we purchased x

Thank goodness for that.

I do think you need a candid conversation with him. He needs to be certain he can cover his share of mortgage and bills. It doesn't sound as if he is in a position to be spending his redundancy money, what if his business takes longer to provide an income (which it surely will). He needs to keep that money as rainy day money. If he can't see that, then I think you have a difficult decision to make .

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