DP spending his redundancy money to go abroad alone for a wedding! Am I unreasonable?

[Keli1984]

Dp and I moved in together 12 months ago, we bought a house with joint mortgage and equity from my house. DP has been made redundant and I'm now sole earner, we are both paying half mortgage and bills, I couldn't afford to do so on my own.

DP is setting up a business so currently no income and using his redundancy money ongoing, but this will run out in October this year. This is really worrying me as I don't know how we can afford this house without any income from DP.

The issue is that, he is going to his friends wedding abroad which will cost about £2000 for 10days... this is 3 months 50% of the mortgage and bills and I feel DP is not prioritising our house, everything we have built up and our relationship.

I don't have a problem with him going to the wedding, just that I'm in a position where I sold my affordable house to buy our house and now that is at risk!!

I was asked to go but didn't really want to waste the money to go to a wedding of people I don't know!

I would have liked to take my son away, while DP is away but I've had to accept I can't afford to do that.

Recently we have been away for 5days holiday in this country and he was complaining we have no money and can't afford it.. yet he can go on holiday on his own and spend all that money!

I know it's his money and he can do with it what he likes but I'm feeling in a vulnerable position and also like he is not considering our house or future.

Am I being unreasonable? How can I approach the subject without looking like I'm annoyed he's going on holiday for 10days and I'm not!

What a joke. When is his business going to start producing enough profit so that he can take an income? Why are you putting up with this?

Why does he need to go away for 10 days for a friend's wedding? Surely 3 is more than enough?

If he's going to run out of money by October, spending 3 months worth of mortgage/ bills on a friend's wedding is crazy!

I agree with pp it’s just becoming clear now what kind of man he is. I would be getting my life in order and a plan B in place right now.

Clearly he is being very irresponsible. No question but it does highlight the fact he doesn’t think it’s his problem.

I would be laying it on the line it’s the wedding or the mortgage/your house and life together.

Either way I wouldn’t dream of marrying this man or having any dc with him, and would look to separate as soon as it’s feasible. He is selfish? Indulgent and immature - not a keeper of any kind.

Given that in October gas and electric is going to rise considerably along with him not working you are going to be paying a hell of a lot more out in bills

But Ive met his type many times
wants to be self employed / big business man taking meetings and lunches ( that you will pay for - )
they keep you hanging with false promises that next month the business will take off and he will repay you

Before you know it a years passed and he’s on the Golf course still having meetings

you on the other hand are washed out and knackered and both look and feel 10 years older as your supporting his dreams on your one wage

very few business are profitable straight away and a big percentage of business fail

He happy with you covering him and his share and him wasting 2k on a holiday shows you exactly where his priorities are

He is putting his needs above the mortgage long term and that is a no. He covers it first and the bills.

??

I agree with others. If they have separate finances, it's perfectly fine for DP to spend his money how he sees fit. As long as he can continue to cover his half of the mortgage and bills. Though I'm puzzled by your figures. If the redundancy money was due to run out in October and the holidays is 3 months of bills/mortgage - how is he even affording the holiday?

Even if he wasn't going on the holiday, I'd suggest he should be getting a second job until his business takes off.

It's not perfectly fine when by October, they are screwed on being able to pay bills as they won't have enough money. Paying for a holiday/party for one person when your future bills won't be paid and you'll lose your house is so beyond stupid, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone that thick.

If they were both working and had a good income, paying off bills with no issues and had good savings, that's a totally different story. But that's not the one we have. We have a man attempting to start his own business, no income coming in and wanting to waste the last of his money on a bender. Great plan..

What was he like prior to the redundancy? I am in a similar position and its very stressful but I have also been made redundant & so know how it affected me. Had his character changed? Do you think he has rushed into being self employed and may be now overly worried about failure do cant take the step that would find that out? Lots are leaping to him being irresponsible and yes, I agree the wedding is. He simple cant afford the risk but was he reckless before? You obviously trusted him to buy a house with him in the first place but things were different then and so its working out of he is different now but can change back or not. I think you need to show some tough love but being brutally honest.

I've an established business, profitable since the 1980's and looking at the current economic situation we've cut back on any unnecessary spending for the last four months.

I don't see us reviewing that until Spring 23 depending on business performance/energy bills etc.

Your partner is not in a position to be spending mortgage money on a jolly which will impact you and your child.

Personally I'd have the house on the market if he chose to prioritise his social life.

Thank god you ringfenced your deposit; given he's like this, I saw red flags straight away when you said it was your equity which enabled you to buy with him

I'd ask if he actually know you've done this - or if he does, realises what it means - but actually I wouldn't stay long enough for him to find out

I assume you didn't get as far as reading the second line of my post where I put "as long as he can continue to pay his half". If he can he can spend his money on what he wants. We have no idea (nor does OP) if he actually has a plan to do that (round here you can walk into retail and hospitality jobs with zero experience which would easily make him his share even working part time).

What are his plans for paying for the mortgage in October if his 'business' isn't making profit by then?

You're in a risky situation OP.

If he doesn't offer to get another job to support himself in this time (perhaps evening/weekend work?) then you need to seriously consider your future.

Where's the communication in your relationship? You should have to be posting this on Mumsnet. You should be able to talk through the options with him, knowing he'll do all he can to support the family.

When I was made redundant a decade ago I started my own business.

I stuck my full redundancy into a separate account and worked out how much money my 'half' of the household bills was every month, which gave me a year to get the business going - ie, there was a year in my 'pot'.

The first few months all I was really doing was topping up my pot, DH was funding any socialising and non-essential, but bc we stopped paying for childcare the household stayed afloat fairly easily. (God childcare cost so much!). Slowly, slowly the pot grew a bit and then I started to pay more into the household as well as keeping the pot at a 'one year' level. I think it took me around 5 years to get to a point where I was confident enough profits would come in every month to not worry about maintaining the pot for bad months.

Sorry, that's super long-winded but my point is I had a plan and DH was fully signed up to it. Your DP needs to do the same. Call a finance meeting - seriously. Don't make it about the holiday, make it, right it's x months since redundancy and now you've done the set up for your business, we need to talk about how the money looks for the next x months.

Sounds like he just wants to go and have a piss up with his mates with no thought to the implications on his family financially from his desire for a piss up.

Going to a wedding when you’ve made redundant is not a issue if you can afford it. As PPs suggested he could get a temporary job for example. But it doesn’t look like he’s done realistic planning, considered your view, the whole family situation and economic realities. And 10 days???? It does sound like he wants a holiday with his mates whatever.
My worry would be not only about money but about his character: he doesn’t prioritise you and he sounds selfish and childish with his remarks about the holiday. I also see it as a big weakness that he’s not confident enough to say to his friends that unfortunately he’s made redundant and can’t afford to come to their wedding. It’s plenty of time until October for them to reorganise things.

Considering that he was whining about having no money to spend on the holiday with his family, but thinks nothing of spending £2000 on himself, I doubt he is planning ahead to take care of his family. He is proving he is selfish and needs a knock on the head to remind him that his family comes first or he doesn't get a family.

He doesn't seem to understand what the word partnership means.

Its one thing spending £2000 on someone elses wedding if both partners agree and its easily affordable.
It is not, by the sounds of things, easily affordable and is making you rightly anxious as to what is going to happen after he has pissed £2000 up the wall on a selfish whim, and you can no longer pay the bills.

I think if I were you, I'd be asking to see his plan for paying his share once october hits and the money has run out. If he has no plan, then I agree, I'd consider putting the house on the market and protecting yourself and your son.

I also think its completely shit that he is in a relationship with you, and spending money on a wedding above a family holiday. Thats without the not actually being able to afford it part. His priorities seem way, way out of whack.

The issue is that, he is going to his friends wedding abroad which will cost about £2000 for 10days... this is 3 months 50% of the mortgage and bills and I feel DP is not prioritising our house, everything we have built up and our relationship.

Of course he's not prioritising the house.
He was happy not to contribute to the deposit, happy to lose his job & not replace it, & is now happy to spunk 3 months worth of money on his own selfish desire to party abroad with his friends.

It's gutwrenching that you gave up an affordable mortgage to cohabit with this cocklodger. he sounds irredeemably selfish, & like he's going to leave it to you to somehow find a way to fund the mortgage.

Is your deposit ringfenced - legally, watertight?
Do not have children with this man, & certainly do not marry him.

Does he even have a business plan?
If so, when is revenue predicted to be generated, how much will it be, & how stable will the income be?
If he cannot answer these questions, you need to establish what price your new home will sell for, how much it will cost to sell it & buy another, & get yourself back into an affordable set-up.

Oops, I mean marrying would make her less, not more secure!

I’d be absolutely livid at him, personally.😡

It’s his money from a redundancy package and he’s entitled to spend it how he wants. You said he’s paying 50% of the bills so what’s the problem. By October his business might be making. Money or he could have looked for a full time job. As long as the bills are paid it’s a bone issue. If you want to take your child on holiday save for it like the rest of us do.

What if his business isnt making money by October? In his situation he really needs to have a rainy day fund to cover his share of the bills.

His money to spend as he wants, but he is a grown adult with responsibilities and he isn't prioritising those.

If I were OP I would be reconsidering whether having a joint mortgage with him is sensible.

Hence why I said he might of looked for a full time job. I’m sure he’s not stupid. He’ll know if the business fails that he needs a full time job. He is taking care of the responsibilities. Ops child is hers and technically he doesn’t need to pay for the child if it isn’t his.

maybe he’s depressed at losing his job I have no idea. But this is a friends wedding and I’d never forgive my partner for moaning about me wanting to go,