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Original poster

Salary difference between spouce

90 replies

HmmmWhatDoYouThink12 · 06/08/2022 23:31

Looking for opinions. I earn about 20k more than my DH. We always go 50/50 on bills, mortgage etc. He's been unable to buy a badly needed car due to his salary and it made me think, should I be contributing more? I usually save my extra cash as savings but am now rethinking

OP posts:
ChickPeaChic · 08/08/2022 16:15

Another one saying I think you’re unreasonable I’m afraid, it’s literally in the traditional marriage vows “everything I have I share with you”, isn’t that pretty much the point of marriage, or else you may as well just be boyfriend and girlfriend!

DH and I completely share finances (have done since we were engaged) as in all into one pot, everything paid out of there and then £500 each personal spending a month. I actually get a bit extra to cover my beauty stuff on top as this isn’t an expense he has!

At the moment I earn about 25k more (although both higher rate tax payers) due to DH retraining, but our plan is for that to change in the future when I hopefully go part time for children and DH focuses on climbing the career ladder. We’ve worked out he’ll probably outearn me for about 25 years vs my 5 years out earning him, but he’s still adamant we keep the same financial set up and share everything as equal partners. We’d both hate it if I (and then subsequently him) kept a larger sum back for ourselves and then “treated” the other to nice things as and when we felt like it, that would be a horrible power imbalance.

AquaticSewingMachine · 08/08/2022 16:20

It's fundamental to me that every member of a family shares the same standard of living. Our money is wholly pooled in a joint account. We take out the same amount as personal/fun spends. All "family" purchases come from the joint account. I would never see DH on a lemonade lifestyle while I enjoyed champagne... unless the marriage had broken down irretrievably.

MintJulia · 08/08/2022 16:35

Why do you think you're being taken advantage of? Is there a history here? Or a sound reason?

Is it an stupodly expensive car? Does he waste his salary gambling, drinking, drugs? Insisted on buying a Man Utd debenture? Crashed his last car and hadn't bothered to take out insurance?

Or is he just ordinary person who needs a car and doesn't have a deposit at the moment?

Pebbledashery · 08/08/2022 16:37

I'm sure if the roles were reversed in this post at least one person would be saying financial abuse.
If you're married, everything is shared.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/08/2022 17:12

Slackbladder22 · 08/08/2022 16:13

Fair enough but does the bloke even know it’s been posted 99 times out of 100? Or even have a log in?

My point is that she came in and said she's wrong. Why would there be pages after that?

hamdden12 · 08/08/2022 17:47

@MrsTerryPratchett the OP says she feels like she's being taken advantage of so I hardly think she's saying she was wrong. If a man said that I can imagine the responses would be very different.

layladomino · 08/08/2022 18:16

In my first marriage I was the bigger earner for most of it. Now I'm the smaller earner, although not by lots. In both cases, it's all family money. You're married. Surely that's one of the differences between being married or not ('all that I have a share with you' and all that).

We put all our income in to one place, where the bills and household spend goes from. We each then get our monthly money that's for us to spend as we wish - and it's the same amount for both of us.

Aside from how you do it, I can't imagine watching my DH struggling to buy a car while I stashed savings away.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/08/2022 18:30

hamdden12 · 08/08/2022 17:47

@MrsTerryPratchett the OP says she feels like she's being taken advantage of so I hardly think she's saying she was wrong. If a man said that I can imagine the responses would be very different.

I quote:

I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and handing over all my money but clearly I am totally wrong

She literally says she's wrong.

Headbandheart · 08/08/2022 18:59

HmmmWhatDoYouThink12 · 07/08/2022 00:49

Gosh a very clear cut response there, thanks everyone. I don't know what is wrong with me, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and handing over all my money but clearly I am totally wrong

You handed over all your money when you said “I do”. If you failed to realise that you should start to take a deep look at what else being married means to your legal and financial rights.
your money, assets, property, pensions etc is his. Everything he has is yours. You can try to control your money and keep it to yourself but that’ll be a route to divorce and then you’ll really find out that your higher salary will be seen as joint income

start by doing “marriage” properly and get a joint account that you pay all your incomes into. Not yours or his. All of what you both earn. Set a budget of agreed outgoings that cover all essentials for you both (bills, transport, housing, childcare, food etc) and any long term joint goals like saving for new home, pensions, holidays etc . Then what is left pay into personal accounts . You can decide how you want to split that balance. There is an argument for you taking a bit more as if you’re covering clothing, makeup, hair etc out of your own personal accounts the “pink tax” will cost you more than he’d have to pay. But that’s the grown up discussion.
IMHE of a thirty year marriage, you might as well go 50;50 as there will be times when you both earn more than the other due to kids, redundancy, long term sickness etc - it’s all in the “ for better and worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health” bit.

Successgirl2022 · 14/08/2022 23:13

Could your husband try to increase his earnings?

Maybe do more studying/training or change the job for a better paid one to be able to save more money?

Successgirl2022 · 14/08/2022 23:13

What industries do you both work in?

PegasusReturns · 14/08/2022 23:17

I’m a MN outlier on this topic but I think it’s fine to have separate money.

Shared pots works well if someone isn’t working because of childcare etc, but otherwise I take the view that I don’t want to subsidise my DHs expensive hobbies and there’s no reason why he should pay my shopping bill.

For · 14/08/2022 23:39

AquaticSewingMachine · 08/08/2022 16:20

It's fundamental to me that every member of a family shares the same standard of living. Our money is wholly pooled in a joint account. We take out the same amount as personal/fun spends. All "family" purchases come from the joint account. I would never see DH on a lemonade lifestyle while I enjoyed champagne... unless the marriage had broken down irretrievably.

This

Hopeislost · 14/08/2022 23:51

@PegasusReturns DH and I have separate accounts also.

But we both earn similar amounts so it's more straightforward.

Starseeking · 15/08/2022 00:13

When I was with my EXDP, I earned double his salary, so we split contributions to the joint account 67%me/33%him.

With big expenses like cars, we agreed on them in advance, then paid for it out of the joint account, so in reality contributed in the same ratio.

johnd2 · 15/08/2022 00:18

I'm going to go against the grain here and say you need to look within and not listen to any judgemental responses.
It's your relationship, yes there are various common ways of doing things but you need to create the kind of relationship you are happy with, including sharing time, money, space, help.
There's no right answer, other than deciding what kind of person you are and what kind of relationship suits you, and of course understanding your partner's preference and taking that into account . And also taking the future in to account, a lot of threads say the exact opposite that finances should be separate so you can make a quick exit where necessary.

Having said all that, personally I'm in the more sharing camp, 50:50 feels a bit like house sharers to me and I feel like it would go against the relationship ethos I want to create to have any conversations about splitting things. I just want to talk about spending decisions jointly. But that's if you are generally in the same page, and many people would not want to have to think about their partner judging their frivolous/Amazon splurges, so separate money is also a must.

Do what works for you, and good luck with it.

HoneyFlowers · 15/08/2022 00:20

Surely you are a team if married? Pool all your money together. The poor sod needing a car and struggling.

TinySophie · 15/08/2022 00:29

If you don’t feel comfortable handing him “your” money then how about buying him a car as a present for his birthday or Christmas? This may feel a lot more OK for you while achieving the same thing.

DH bought me a new car last year, and it made me really happy to receive it, and he felt a lot of pleasure to give it.

Marmitemother · 15/08/2022 00:44

HoneyFlowers · 15/08/2022 00:20

Surely you are a team if married? Pool all your money together. The poor sod needing a car and struggling.

This!!
My DH would get the coat off my back if he needed it....so really struggling to get my head round your miserliness OP.

You earn more, therefore you should contribute more to the marital pot not squirrel it away when a loved one needs some help.

37GoingUnder · 15/08/2022 01:23

In some ways I don’t feel this is as clear cut as many of you think, there are all sorts of factors which might be playing into their arrangements.

I earn more than DH, we pay in equally for bills (except childcare for our two shared children which comes out of my pay) but we have separate accounts, there are a number of reasons for this, his previous financial troubles and the fact he pays maintenance and a large amount of his money goes on fuel so he can collect/drop off his daughter from a previous relationship every weekend. Then there’s that he’s unnecessarily uncomfortable that he earns less than I do and wants to pay in 50/50. In reality I pay for holidays, days out, the kids clothes etc and if anything extra is needed as I should. Cars wise we’ve worked out what we can afford and what works for our family we have a big family car and a smaller run around, ones in my name, one in his but we swap and change depending on who is going where on whichever days mainly based on getting the best fuel economy, I’d put more in if needed to facilitate this.

I have wondered should we do it differently, should we both pay in to a joint account but to be honest, the way we do it works for us and if one of us spends on something for ourselves, there is never really any resentment, we have very few arguments about money.

Pyewhacket · 15/08/2022 01:36

But surely it's all "family money " ?.

2catsandhappy · 15/08/2022 06:35

Buy him a car or gift him half the price. If the household needed a cooker or a fridge wouldn't you discuss and shop together for one? Think about upping your % going into the joint pot.

I've been the lower earner struggling to pay my 50%, It made my life very small and money focused. Grim.

dogatetheremote · 15/08/2022 07:29

I'd be beyond furious if my DH suggested giving me a car as a gift unless it was some frivolous sporty number.

The OP is talking about a much needed car presumably for day to day requirements, ie an essential that between them they can afford but because of the way they split money, one of them can't.

Not much of a partnership if one goes without to keep up 50:50 with a higher earner (proportional to income would be fairer if you won't share everything) and then essentials like cars don't even come from the joint pot.

TinySophie · 15/08/2022 07:57

dogatetheremote · 15/08/2022 07:29

I'd be beyond furious if my DH suggested giving me a car as a gift unless it was some frivolous sporty number.

The OP is talking about a much needed car presumably for day to day requirements, ie an essential that between them they can afford but because of the way they split money, one of them can't.

Not much of a partnership if one goes without to keep up 50:50 with a higher earner (proportional to income would be fairer if you won't share everything) and then essentials like cars don't even come from the joint pot.

Hang on, you think my DH was wrong to buy me a car?

HoneyFlowers · 15/08/2022 08:12

My husband bought me a car after Uni so I could get to work and back! It's called team work. This was almost 15 years ago and the car still runs perfectly!