Page 2 | Salary difference between spouce

wellhelloitsme · 07/08/2022 01:17

He's been unable to buy a badly needed car due to his salary and it made me think, should I be contributing more?

I'm really surprised that you're even unsure about this as most people would have offered because in a good relationship you're a team, especially when married!

I can imagine that if you perhaps grew up struggling for money, it's hard to get your head around sharing once you have more or could have independent savings.

But I think it worth really trying to change that approach for the sake of a healthy relationship. And also fortunes change, you never know when life throws a curveball and you became the lower earner.

How would you feel if you needed a new car in that situation and your partner could help but didn't. Try to put yourself in his shoes and switch up your thinking a bit.

Be a team

mrsfollowill · 07/08/2022 01:42

We've always done the family pot of money since we moved in together 30yrs ago. At the beginning I earned double the amount DH did. Times have changed - we are now in the position where he earns nearly double than I do.
We have had periods over the years where I went part time to accommodate having our DS- was not an option for DH in his role- I'm now full time again but relatively low paid for what I do. In fact our jobs are quite similar but I'm public sector and he works for a private company. My pension is way better than his and I have far more holidays though.
All our money is in one pot though and always has been. Neither of us have savings that are just for us- we don't really have any but what we have is ours.

I will add though this works because we are both respectful and kind to each other-
I have an account that is my running away money - not much but enough that if he were to flip I can get away. (he is the most mild mannered janitor you could ever meet so it will not be needed!) If you have the money just get him a car- Oh and never refer to you 'buying him a car'

ItWillBeDone · 07/08/2022 02:02

We pool our money here too. See it as our money, not either of ours. Circumstances mean I outearn DH now but that could change. We are a team. We have always been this way.

Rainbowqueeen · 07/08/2022 02:08

Look at it this way. You chose to join your lives and to form a team. It’s never possible for 2 people to be earning the same amount of money throughout their shared lives. There may be a time in the future where you are unable to work or where he earns more than you. No one knows what the future holds. But you’re more likely to have an amazing future together if you act like a team and support each other.

If you really don’t want to do this then why are you together? Is it purely because you can have a better lifestyle due to his financial contributions (bigger house) and other contributions (someone to share the cooking, cleaning etc). I think you should be considering whether or not marriage is for you

DomesticShortHair · 07/08/2022 03:20

Although it may often not seem like it, the country runs on a progressive tax system that increases rates as the income goes up: ‘those with the broadest shoulders carry the largest burden’. This is generally seen as the correct way, compared to a proportional tax system, where everybody contributes the same flat percentage of their income, regardless.

Yet, it seems to be much more controversial that people in committed relationships do the same. Often the very same people who wholeheartedly believe that a progressive, rather than proportional, tax system is the morally correct way to run a country, but not a relationship.

needthezzzzz · 07/08/2022 03:52

Not sure if this is a reverse but I think whoever earns 20k more should contribute more. I earn more than my partner and contribute a few hundred pounds more each month.

ManAboutTown · 07/08/2022 06:15

In a marriage money should be pooled. Significant expenses like car purchase should be discussed and agreed beforehand but you sound like you aren't really married.

NiceTwin · 07/08/2022 06:24

My salary dive bombed after having children.
I contribute 60% of my salary to the pot. My personal outgoings are few.

When I needed a car, he bought it for me.

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 06:39

You only think your being taken advantage of because it’s not as common for a woman to provide more (yes I know he works too) for a man. If you were a man in this situation it would be expected of you that you gave more and everyone would call you cheap and tell him to leave if you didn’t.

Ultimately you need to decide whether you can handle being in a relationship with a lower earning male if it brings up feelings of resentment at having to “provide” for them or you feel it’s them taking advantage. Either that or keep things casual and very seperate.

Imo there is no healthy (long term) relationship possible between a high a low earner if the high earner doesn’t contribute way more financially.

anotherlatte · 07/08/2022 06:44

Unless he's insisting on a Ferrari then a badly needed car is not an expensive luxury optional purchase. No matter how you share finances surely accommodation, food and transport are basics that need to be funded from the shared pot?
In any case he's your life partner, why would you want him to not have a badly needed item so you can build your savings pot?
I agree with pp, be a team.

StampOnTheGround · 07/08/2022 06:50

If you're married then finances tend to be mixed and if they're not, him paying 50% is unreasonable if you're earning 20k more.

Joey69 · 07/08/2022 06:58

I think you also have to take into account what proportion the salary gap is, if he earns 20k and you earn 40k, then going 50/50 on bills sounds incredibly unfair, but he is on 80k and you are on 100k, then not so much.

3amAndImStillAwake · 07/08/2022 07:01

HmmmWhatDoYouThink12 · 07/08/2022 00:49

Gosh a very clear cut response there, thanks everyone. I don't know what is wrong with me, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and handing over all my money but clearly I am totally wrong

Why do you feel taken advantage of? DH and I just have joint money, but neither of us would say we felt taken advantage of (we have both been in the position of earning more at different points). Is your DH bad with money? So would you feel like you were having to subsidise his overspending if you contributed more? If you feel like your DH is taking advantage of you I think that's a bigger problem than just who contributes what.

despairingdonut · 07/08/2022 07:04

I earn 4x DH for context (not stealth boast)

Household bills are split 50/50 ie house costs - mortgage/ council tax etc. Because at the end of the day let's face it in a divorce it's the biggest asset that's likely to be split that way. I then pay the big bills like childcare (which is double our mortgage incidentally) and car(s). We don't have equal spending money.....I have more on paper but I pay for holidays and big repairs on house though so don't come out with that much more than him I'd guess in a "bad" year

Not everyone's cup of tea and MN loves a good "everything should be split equally" but it's very personal what you want to live with and what's not going to lead to resentment.

Depends if you are married and have kids though. If you are and he's also going to need a car to drive the kids around then yes I'd be contributing to the car.

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 07:07

@despairingdonut

Yes, but if a man was doing what you were doing he would be called cruel and financially abusive.

ManAboutTown · 07/08/2022 07:12

despairingdonut · 07/08/2022 07:04

I earn 4x DH for context (not stealth boast)

Household bills are split 50/50 ie house costs - mortgage/ council tax etc. Because at the end of the day let's face it in a divorce it's the biggest asset that's likely to be split that way. I then pay the big bills like childcare (which is double our mortgage incidentally) and car(s). We don't have equal spending money.....I have more on paper but I pay for holidays and big repairs on house though so don't come out with that much more than him I'd guess in a "bad" year

Not everyone's cup of tea and MN loves a good "everything should be split equally" but it's very personal what you want to live with and what's not going to lead to resentment.

Depends if you are married and have kids though. If you are and he's also going to need a car to drive the kids around then yes I'd be contributing to the car.

That sounds more like a financial arrangement than a marriage to me.

ItsDangerousInKingsmarkham · 07/08/2022 07:21

Yikes - DH earns about 10x what I do... I work part time and he's a high earner. Everything we earn is family money and used accordingly.

Pulling weight in a marriage is about way more than numbers on a payslip.

ManAboutTown · 07/08/2022 07:25

@ItsDangerousInKingsmarkham - absolutely correct. In particular when you have kids it's about working as a team. Money, getting up at night, doing the kids social stuff.

It's all part of the mix

berksandbeyond · 07/08/2022 07:27

We contribute proportionally based on our earnings, because DH earns 3.5 times what I do 😅 (I work part time)
It's seems a lot fairer..

ManAboutTown · 07/08/2022 07:32

@berksandbeyond - what do you do with the hours differential between you and your husband?

Looking after the kids - seems fair

Running the house - seems fair

Going to hot yoga classes, seeing a personal trainer, doing ladies who lunch - you're a bit of a parasite

Slackbladder22 · 07/08/2022 07:34

HmmmWhatDoYouThink12 · 07/08/2022 00:49

Gosh a very clear cut response there, thanks everyone. I don't know what is wrong with me, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and handing over all my money but clearly I am totally wrong

Good grief. If the roles were reversed here this thread would be 20 pages long with lots of calls the LTB.

I earned nearly double what my wife did and we pooled our money for bills so we had roughly the same for fun. Not for one second did i think she was taking advantage. A car is a family thing you should be buying it for sure with maybe him contributing a little each month if you don’t pay all up front

savethebeesandthecees · 07/08/2022 08:04

HmmmWhatDoYouThink12 · 07/08/2022 00:49

Gosh a very clear cut response there, thanks everyone. I don't know what is wrong with me, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and handing over all my money but clearly I am totally wrong

Such a sad comment to read.

You're married. For life. One team. For better and for worse and all that stuff.

It's family money, FGS.

Sooverthisnow · 08/08/2022 14:44

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2022 00:54

Sorry, yours isn't a healthy marriage imo. My money is my husband's and his is mine. There is no "mine and yours." There is none of this absurd percentage bullshit. Why get married if this is how you feel about the finances?

I've been married for 25+ years, and nearly all of the marriages I know that have failed had separate finances. There's a level of trust and partnership that's missing.

Well said 🙂

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/08/2022 14:46

Good grief. If the roles were reversed here this thread would be 20 pages long with lots of calls the LTB.

Nice try @Slackbladder22 but on those threads the bloke doesn't come on and say he's wrong. If only that happened.

Slackbladder22 · 08/08/2022 16:13

Fair enough but does the bloke even know it’s been posted 99 times out of 100? Or even have a log in?