Therapist turning me into DH’s emotional support human

[JustTheOneForMeThanks]

I won’t go into the details but my husband has a long-term diagnosed mental health condition. Over the years he’s had various treatment, therapy etc and generally handles it well but we’ve come to expect up and downs.

He lost a parent four months ago and hasn’t been in a great place mentally, completely understandably, and has been referred to a new therapist for two sessions a week which are done online.

We’ve both been through this enough times to know what only the person with the MH issue can fix the MH issue- he’s the one who had to do the medication, counseling, workshops etc and I’m here to support him, but I can’t fix the problem.

I’m very, very supportive of him and have always made sure he can access all the help he needs etc over the years so I’m very glad he’s gelling well with his new therapist.

He really likes her and is finding the sessions beneficial which is fantastic. I tend not to ask him too much about the sessions as I don’t want to pry, but do ask if he’s finding them good. Three weeks ago he mentioned that the therapist asked if I would be willing to watch a video around how to support someone with DH’s condition. I said yes and she sent the link to his email address.

I wanted the video- all good. Since then, she’s emailed 14 other videos to him, for my attention. She typically adds a note to the email saying “I thought these would be of benefit to MYNAME, can you ensure she watches them, please?”.

The videos range from 20-55mins long.

I don’t have time for this. DH is a fantastic person but he’s not well enough at the moment to work or do as much as usual at home. I’m picking up the slack and doing 99% of everything alone. That’s fine, I’ve done it before and I’m willing to keep doing it until he’s back on his feet fully.

Then I got a bit worried and was thinking that maybe DH thinks I’m not supportive, told his therapist this and she’s trying to get me into a more supportive space so I asked him, gently, if she enquired about how much support he’s getting at home. He said it came up and he told her I’m very encouraging and have always done everything to help him so I genuinely don’t think he’s given a view that’s contrary to what I think.

I did tell him that I was struggling to find the time to watch the videos and to ask his therapist to not send anymore. In their latest session she asked if I watched them, he said no and that I didn’t want any more, and then she said it was disappointing that I wasn’t willing to learn what I can do to support him and asked if he was concerned about why I said that.

I am furious.

I am literally keeping the show on the road. I do everything to make life easier for him when he’s not in a good state mentally. It’s really hard to get the balance between supporting him, and not cocooning him in a way that wouldn’t be helpful. I pick up his slack with the family, support him through work issues, pick up the financial slack, generally do everything- and more- that a good person does for someone they love.

My issue is that DH is doing really well with this therapist and likes her- he’s had therapists before that he hasn’t gelled with and so having someone he finds good and is comfortable with is a big win. I personally think she’s acted inappropriately but I don’t want to say anything that makes DH question whether he should keep working with her. He’s likely to continue seeing her for another few months.

I’ve told him that I didn’t appreciate her remark about me not watching the videos but he didn’t say much on it, just that he finds their sessions good.

So my questions-
1 If you were me, would you be annoyed?
2 Do think the therapist acted inappropriately?
3 What do you think I should do, if anything?

[Asperusual]

I’d email her asking for it to be private and not related to your DH but say briefly and firmly that you have always fully supported your DH and one of the ways you currently do that is to keep the house and finances secure which means you are very stretched and whilst this is something you are prepared to do you don’t appreciate any pressure on your time from her and certainly not suggesting to your DH that it is ‘disappointing’ if you can’t find ten hours in a week to watch videos. I’d ask her to conduct her therapy through DH only and be assured you are well versed in his issues and very supportive but not new to this and also not awash with free time to dedicate to her videos.

[ilyx]

OP you seem like a really good person, a lot of people would run a mile with a guy like yours. It’s HER job to be his therapist, not yours. She’s being very inappropriate.

[LandSight]

Yes, a rock and a hard place. No wonder you are distressed, OP. My sense is that you have nowhere to express your situation. You are doing what you can to change things and are being (now) told it is you that maybe needs to change. I would be frustrated to say the least.