Therapist turning me into DH’s emotional support human

[JustTheOneForMeThanks]

I won’t go into the details but my husband has a long-term diagnosed mental health condition. Over the years he’s had various treatment, therapy etc and generally handles it well but we’ve come to expect up and downs.

He lost a parent four months ago and hasn’t been in a great place mentally, completely understandably, and has been referred to a new therapist for two sessions a week which are done online.

We’ve both been through this enough times to know what only the person with the MH issue can fix the MH issue- he’s the one who had to do the medication, counseling, workshops etc and I’m here to support him, but I can’t fix the problem.

I’m very, very supportive of him and have always made sure he can access all the help he needs etc over the years so I’m very glad he’s gelling well with his new therapist.

He really likes her and is finding the sessions beneficial which is fantastic. I tend not to ask him too much about the sessions as I don’t want to pry, but do ask if he’s finding them good. Three weeks ago he mentioned that the therapist asked if I would be willing to watch a video around how to support someone with DH’s condition. I said yes and she sent the link to his email address.

I wanted the video- all good. Since then, she’s emailed 14 other videos to him, for my attention. She typically adds a note to the email saying “I thought these would be of benefit to MYNAME, can you ensure she watches them, please?”.

The videos range from 20-55mins long.

I don’t have time for this. DH is a fantastic person but he’s not well enough at the moment to work or do as much as usual at home. I’m picking up the slack and doing 99% of everything alone. That’s fine, I’ve done it before and I’m willing to keep doing it until he’s back on his feet fully.

Then I got a bit worried and was thinking that maybe DH thinks I’m not supportive, told his therapist this and she’s trying to get me into a more supportive space so I asked him, gently, if she enquired about how much support he’s getting at home. He said it came up and he told her I’m very encouraging and have always done everything to help him so I genuinely don’t think he’s given a view that’s contrary to what I think.

I did tell him that I was struggling to find the time to watch the videos and to ask his therapist to not send anymore. In their latest session she asked if I watched them, he said no and that I didn’t want any more, and then she said it was disappointing that I wasn’t willing to learn what I can do to support him and asked if he was concerned about why I said that.

I am furious.

I am literally keeping the show on the road. I do everything to make life easier for him when he’s not in a good state mentally. It’s really hard to get the balance between supporting him, and not cocooning him in a way that wouldn’t be helpful. I pick up his slack with the family, support him through work issues, pick up the financial slack, generally do everything- and more- that a good person does for someone they love.

My issue is that DH is doing really well with this therapist and likes her- he’s had therapists before that he hasn’t gelled with and so having someone he finds good and is comfortable with is a big win. I personally think she’s acted inappropriately but I don’t want to say anything that makes DH question whether he should keep working with her. He’s likely to continue seeing her for another few months.

I’ve told him that I didn’t appreciate her remark about me not watching the videos but he didn’t say much on it, just that he finds their sessions good.

So my questions-
1 If you were me, would you be annoyed?
2 Do think the therapist acted inappropriately?
3 What do you think I should do, if anything?

[AmeAmy]

Yes, I would try and be sure first this is what she did actually say to him, and it’s not him who is getting you to do “homework”. Otherwise this could all get rather messy …

[CharlieAndTooManyCharacters]

It’s also possible that he told the therapist that he’d been giving you videos to watch about how to support him but you weren’t watching them. The conversation may actually have been her probing his motives and his ‘disappointment’ that you won’t do the work for him. But, because it’s easier to blame you than to take responsibility for himself, he’s translated that as his therapist not simply sharing his disappointment in you but being the source of that disappointment.

I wouldn’t treat his accounts of what a therapist says as reliable. Unless you have proof that the therapist is asking you to
watch the videos. 14 of them.

[mathanxiety]

Agree 100% with @Seaside1972

[JustTheOneForMeThanks]

Just on those asking if I’m sure the videos came from the therapist- I am. I saw the emails from her to him and accessed the links directly from there on the family laptop.

There were actually 15 videos. The first (just over an hour in length) was the one I agreed to watch. The other 14 were sent as links across 3 emails, unsolicited. Some are made by the therapist herself and they’re aimed at the families of her clients, some are more generic resources from what I can see from other therapists/hospitals/providers- I clicked in to some of them but not all.

I don’t think my husband is lying about her saying it was disappointing. I’m going well into being identifiable here but DH is on the ASD spectrum and is very literal and tends to relay things very directly. That’s not to say he may get wires crossed, but he wasn’t upset about me not watching them.

She is a fully qualified and accredited therapist. When DH was referred to her he looked her up online and was showing me. She’s been working in this area for 20+ years.

In terms of the type of therapy, again it’s very identifying but it’s linked to a very intensive compassion-focused therapy course he’s just completed as an in-patient.

Thanks to everyone telling me to take care of myself. I am. I’m fairly resilient and have good boundaries around DH’s issues- I just think they’re being pushed by this woman who a) I’ve never spoken to, and b) I’m not a client of.

[CharlieAndTooManyCharacters]

In which case, it’s definitely not ok at all. Assigning you considerable homework that forces you to take responsibility for managing his mental health is awful.

tske it further.

[toffeechai]

Who is she accredited with?

[christinarossetti39]

Yes, I would be annoyed.

Yes, I do think the therapist's remark was inappropriate, as was the number of unsolicited videos.

What would I do? I would ask dh not to tell me anything else about his sessions, other than whether he thinks they're helping or not.

Honestly, a person's relationship with their therapist is their own. It's separate from other relationships in their life, and that's the way it should stay, unless eg someone is concerned that their therapist has behaved inappropriately and then it's useful to garner other's opinions.

Look after yourself.

[NoSquirrels]

1 If you were me, would you be annoyed?
Yes. I’d be privately absolutely livid, tbh.

2 Do think the therapist acted inappropriately?
Yes, in terms of the ‘disappointing’ comment. Not on sending the videos per se.

3 What do you think I should do, if anything?
Send an email to her outlining your complete support for DH and willingness to learn & support, but strongly word that you are also ‘disappointed’ that there’s an inference you’re not already supportive enough. There’s been some good wording upthread.

for you. Make sure you get your own support, it’s a lot to deal with.

[JanisMoplin]

@billy1966

If that is what she said, yes I would be annoyed.

You sound like an absolute saint.
It sounds like you have been his carer for a lot of your marriage.

Everyone loses their parents at some point but have to get on with things.

Most don't have the luxury of abdicating responsibility for family life, yet again.

Who looks after you OP?
As you carry the whole load again?

This. Emotional support human is absolutely right.

I often think many therapists have zero sympathy for the caregiver. I also think many therapists do not live in the real world where people have jobs, DC and lives.

[JustTheOneForMeThanks]

@toffeechai

Who is she accredited with?

Will drop you a PM.

[JustTheOneForMeThanks]

@JustTheOneForMeThanks

Will drop you a PM.

FFS- my first time trying to send a PM since MN updated the site and it won’t let me.

@toffeechai, I’m happy to respond to your question by PM if you’re able to PM me. I’m getting an error when I try to send one to you.

[ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley]

@Twilightimmortal

It seems like she wants you to do the work for her.

This is exactly what I thought.

She is poor at her job - that is obvious. She is abdicating the work onto you entirely.

DH needs her at the moment but once done, you need to do something formal about this woman's technique as it is very damaging.

[JanisMoplin]

Can you imagine a man watching 14 videos and doing 99% of the work if his wife had MH issues? I can't.

When my dad died of cancer after 4 years of agony, I got on with my job and young DC and everything else. Because I had to. Feel like he is taking the piss. And his therapist is helping him

[Mischance]

One of the big problems with therapists used to be that they simply and unequivocally believed every word that their client uttered...... on the basis that there is truth in feeling. Nowadays therapists are more realistic and work systemically - looking at the whole picture of the client's life whilst still concentrating on the person in front of them.

If they do not do this, therapy can become divisive and risk undermining the relationships that are supporting the client. And the partner of someone undergoing therapy is in an uncomfortable situation, inevitably tempted to wonder what is being said about them.

No professional would lose sight of that fact.

[JustTheOneForMeThanks]

Can you imagine a man watching 14 videos and doing 99% of the work if his wife had MH issues? I can't.

I think that’s what’s really bothering me.

DH came to chat to me last night after his therapy session and that’s when he told me about the “disappointing” comment. It was after 8pm and I was still working (from home). Because of everything that’s happening at home, I’ve been falling a bit behind in my own job and have been logging back in to work after dinner every night to catch-up, and I’ve been starting earlier in the morning too.

If the therapist had been in front of me that minute, my take on it would have been something along the lines of- “oh, you’re disappointed I didn’t take another 10 hours this week to dedicate to my husband’s mental health when I’ve basically worked 60 hours this week to pay you your exorbitant fee to try and help him?”.

Would probably have littered in a few choice curse words too.

[Mardyface]

Sorry to be blunt, but I don't believe him. Something has gone awry with these messages and I would want to find out exactly what in your shoes. Maybe suggest a joint session.

[LandSight]

It is a strange situation.

Can you express your annoyance / anger to your husband? What did / would he say?

Its a bit difficult because its like you are being put into the bad person situation. Your DH and therapist are working hard to help him, and you are not complying.

You could of course, also just express your anger and annoyance to your DH and let him deal with it with his therapist. Other than that, its not your problem. Of course its irritating that she is doing this, but she doesn't know you or your life when she's talking this nonsense. Is your DH is able to understand your view, and if he can't, or doesn't agree (ie also disappointed with you!) well there's not much you can do about that. Does that make sense. He has to have 'agency' IYSWIM? I don't know how the ASD affects that though.

[LandSight]

I think it is psychologically quite complex tbh, I am not sure what I would do in your situation.

[toffeechai]

@JustTheOneForMeThanks sorry I have PMs switched off. Would you be willing to share on this thread as it would probably help people to give you advice?

[JanisMoplin]

I am afraid I would tell both DH and his therapist to fuck off. But I am not very patient.
Even ppl wt MH issues manage to help out around the home, if they can't work. Does he do no housework or cooking at all? Do you have DC? I wouldn't be able to endure this over years.

[godmum56]

@Terfydactyl

This was actually my first thought. Mainly because therapists really aren't supposed to rope in other people.

this.
I don't think you are unreasonable to be cross but I would be puzzled as heck and would be being very clear with your partner that I would not be watching the videos. I do wonder what your partner would say if you said to him that you needed to discuss the videos and the counsellor's expectations of you directly with the counsellor...be clear that you will not be discussing him in any way shape or form and then see how he reacts...and I WOULD contact her directly! i'd also be checking out her credentials!!

[Discovereads]

@toffeechai

I appreciate you’re sharing a personal experience but you’re not talking about the same thing. A psychologist doing therapy as part of a multidisciplinary team is a different thing to a psychotherapist or counsellor doing therapy sessions that aren’t part of that kind of wider care with professionals working together.

I have done some training in counselling and psychotherapy, and I can tell you that people accredited by BACP or similar absolutely could not do this - the bar for breaking confidentiality by discussing your clients with a third party is extremely high, even if you get a court order you still have to get advice from your profession. You can’t just email someone’s partner, that’s not allowed.

OP it would help a bit if you could tell us what kind of professional this is, if you know. Are they NHS? Private? Charity? Am wondering if they’re from Cruse who I don’t think are necessarily qualified therapists at all.

I think you are being confused and mixing up training with how things work in practice.

I’m not saying a therapist can just email the partner out of the blue. The therapist would have to ensure they are not breaking confidentiality before making contact.

The therapist doesnt always want to discuss their client. They often want to do a carers assessment and provide guidance to the carer on how to live with and support the client they are caring for. This can be done without breaking confidentiality.

Of course, in most cases the client signs a release giving permission to the therapist to discuss their case with their partner. So in those cases, the therapist can indeed discuss their client with the clients carer and it’s not breaking confidentiality either.

There’s also a release for the therapist to discuss the client with other members of the mental health team and their GP. So, it’s not usually a case in therapy where only one therapist knows what’s going on. Most clients are supported by a multi-disciplinary team all of whom have been given permission to access the clients medical records, session notes and discuss the clients prognosis and treatment in internal meetings.

[toffeechai]

@Discovereads this doesn’t apply to a private psychotherapist though.

[Discovereads]

@toffeechai

@Discovereads this doesn’t apply to a private psychotherapist though.

? It does as the confidentiality regulations apply to both private and NHS care. I’ve been down both private and NHS routes. If you sign a release for the dr or therapist naming the 3rd party as person (can be partner, GP, etc) your info can be shared with, no confidentially is broken. If the dr or therapist doesn’t discuss the specifics of your case with your partner, but focuses on your role as a carer, no confidentiality is broken.

[ImAvingOops]

This would tip me over the edge. She'd get a blistering email from me and I would also complain to whoever is higher up the chain - her supervisor or the body she is accredited with. Cheeky as fuck!

I know your husband is unwell but it isn't sustainable for you to carry on like this. I think you can't spend the rest of your life indulging his issues at the expense of your own well-being (maybe indulge is the wrong word but I hope ykwim). Time he started contributing a bit of help, because even with MH problems, he cannot opt out of everything.

I may be talking out of my arse here since your dh and my dil are different people, but my dil has complex ptsd and we've been through the whole therapy/counselling thing on the nhs. It was all absolute bollocks in terms of the value once she got past the formal diagnosis bit. She knows what her problems are and why she has problems, but no therapist has ever managed to give her any meaningful practical help. She is coping better now by accepting that the only person who can make her better is herself and so she has returned to work and is living a much more normal life. Previously she was spending a lot of time in her bedroom, sleeping, not doing anything.
My dh also went through a very exhausting (for both of us) period of depression. Again the only thing that helped was digging himself out of it and trying to get on with normal life.