Therapist turning me into DH’s emotional support human

[JustTheOneForMeThanks]

I won’t go into the details but my husband has a long-term diagnosed mental health condition. Over the years he’s had various treatment, therapy etc and generally handles it well but we’ve come to expect up and downs.

He lost a parent four months ago and hasn’t been in a great place mentally, completely understandably, and has been referred to a new therapist for two sessions a week which are done online.

We’ve both been through this enough times to know what only the person with the MH issue can fix the MH issue- he’s the one who had to do the medication, counseling, workshops etc and I’m here to support him, but I can’t fix the problem.

I’m very, very supportive of him and have always made sure he can access all the help he needs etc over the years so I’m very glad he’s gelling well with his new therapist.

He really likes her and is finding the sessions beneficial which is fantastic. I tend not to ask him too much about the sessions as I don’t want to pry, but do ask if he’s finding them good. Three weeks ago he mentioned that the therapist asked if I would be willing to watch a video around how to support someone with DH’s condition. I said yes and she sent the link to his email address.

I wanted the video- all good. Since then, she’s emailed 14 other videos to him, for my attention. She typically adds a note to the email saying “I thought these would be of benefit to MYNAME, can you ensure she watches them, please?”.

The videos range from 20-55mins long.

I don’t have time for this. DH is a fantastic person but he’s not well enough at the moment to work or do as much as usual at home. I’m picking up the slack and doing 99% of everything alone. That’s fine, I’ve done it before and I’m willing to keep doing it until he’s back on his feet fully.

Then I got a bit worried and was thinking that maybe DH thinks I’m not supportive, told his therapist this and she’s trying to get me into a more supportive space so I asked him, gently, if she enquired about how much support he’s getting at home. He said it came up and he told her I’m very encouraging and have always done everything to help him so I genuinely don’t think he’s given a view that’s contrary to what I think.

I did tell him that I was struggling to find the time to watch the videos and to ask his therapist to not send anymore. In their latest session she asked if I watched them, he said no and that I didn’t want any more, and then she said it was disappointing that I wasn’t willing to learn what I can do to support him and asked if he was concerned about why I said that.

I am furious.

I am literally keeping the show on the road. I do everything to make life easier for him when he’s not in a good state mentally. It’s really hard to get the balance between supporting him, and not cocooning him in a way that wouldn’t be helpful. I pick up his slack with the family, support him through work issues, pick up the financial slack, generally do everything- and more- that a good person does for someone they love.

My issue is that DH is doing really well with this therapist and likes her- he’s had therapists before that he hasn’t gelled with and so having someone he finds good and is comfortable with is a big win. I personally think she’s acted inappropriately but I don’t want to say anything that makes DH question whether he should keep working with her. He’s likely to continue seeing her for another few months.

I’ve told him that I didn’t appreciate her remark about me not watching the videos but he didn’t say much on it, just that he finds their sessions good.

So my questions-
1 If you were me, would you be annoyed?
2 Do think the therapist acted inappropriately?
3 What do you think I should do, if anything?

I assumed it was NHs the way the OP is written, about him being referred

You cant really pick and choose therapists like that, you have to fight tooth and nail to get proper therapy anyway.

There is something off about this. I have been the supportive spouse 20 years of doing 99.9% of everything.

When I engaged with professional psychologist their message was clear, stop doing 99,9% because that feeds the message the patient can't do it. They helped provide very clear boundaries to protect my MH and the mantra oxygen first was used a lot.

I would be interested to know of her medical background and her understanding of your reality.

This is a really difficult one and I think the therapist has been unbelievably inappropriate. Every action i can think of seems to step over a boundary, because I do think that a person's therapy should be private and their relationship with a therapist is important.

Ah! What about asking your DH to watch the videos and talk to you another time about any insights he thinks could be useful in your relationship? That way the relationship with his therapist remains his, and it's a face to face conversation between you rather than 'my therapist says you should do X'.

I would be annoyed too. It's his therapy, not family therapy. I would email her saying it feels inappropriate for her to keep sending you the videos because you are not her client, your husband is, and that you are already well versed on how to support and prop him up because you've been doing it for years and are currently doing it now to keep your family afloat while he deals with his latest mental health crisis. Don't say you don't have time to watch them though, as that sounds like it would play into her narrative that you need to be doing more to support him. Just say, firmly, that you're concerned her approach is too much focused on you and not him.

I'd be furious at this. Obviously she has sent the videos for you, but as others have said, how do you know what your DH is telling you she has said is true? Maybe he asked for the videos, or at least more after the first one. Maybe she didn't say she was disappointed you hadn't been able to watch them all, maybe she asked for his feelings and that's what he said.
I think you need to set boundaries with him as to what support to expect from you given your current workload in and out of the house. Offer to come to an appointment with him, or speak with her directly if you can. You may be able to gauge from his reaction if he is being entirely truthful about what she has said as he won't want you having contact with her if he isn't. If this is what it seems to you then she has crossed a line and you are well within your rights to complain. After all she brought you into it

She can’t contact the OP directly, that would be a breach of confidentiality.

Using her client as her messenger boy to you AND accusing you of a failure to respond AND criticising you to him, is WAY beyond the professional remit of a trained, qualified therapist.

Her relationship with him should be entirely professsional; more detached and objective . It's NOT a social friendship.

She should not be sending messages and advice to YOU and demanding you follow it then (when you don't) using it to drive a wedge between you and DH. It's appalling behaviour and totally disregards DH's vulnerability.

It's outrageously improper behaviour. If she was a properly trained qualified therapist she would know all that.

I suggest you check out her credentials to find out which professional body she is registered with.

This OP

You don’t know what she said or what he says to her. If she wants to communicate with you and you her, your H should not be the intermediary.

Your H has a long term mh condition and this isn’t your first rodeo. Cut yourself some slack and you both need to develop strategies where you are supported too.

I had assumed it was private because my experiences of therapists from the NHS therapy service have nowhere near the level of involvement that the OP is describing. You can be referred to private therapists.

Even though you fight tooth and nail the therapy you get is often very poor quality.

1. Livid, spitting feathers
2. Totally inappropriately. It’s not her place to suggest how you spend your time
3. Email her and tell her 1 and 2

She needs to understand his therapy is not happening in a vacuum. You and your husband should decide together how best to make sure she understands that his condition does have a real impact on you and that needs to be respected. It may be sending her an email similar to your first post.

You only have your DH’s word as to what she said so perhaps the first thing to do is to clarify things.
If she did then you can tell her pretty much what you said in your original post.

My hunch is that there is a gap between what the therapist is saying and what your partner is hearing. For example an open-ended ‘yes…?’ durning a conversation from the therapist might be heard as an affirmative ‘yes’ or the therapist saying ‘it would be good to feel more supported by your partner’ (by noticing what your partner does for you) could be heard as ‘your partner should be more supportive’.

Have you checked what qualifications the therapist has? If they’re adequately qualified and have practiced for a while then I’d leave it alone.

If the therapist wants to involve you she needs to ask if you want to be involved and, if so, arrange a joint session. I would have the rage personally, a golden rule is that you can never make a plan for someone who isn’t in the room.

You don't owe the therapist anything including an explanation, so i wouldn't bother contacting the therapist. Speak to your DH and say it's his responsibility, his therapy, his relationship between him and the therapist and you cannot be involved.

What you are saying about you picking up the emotional, financial and practical slack sounds rubbish and unsustainable. It also sounds like you are powerless and DH's mental health determines how you experience your life. Do you have any support?

I would write to the therapist and repeat in detail the conversations your H reported. I would detail the support you have been offering your H over the years. I would state exactly why you find the required video watching onerous and unacceptable.

Put it in writing and post it to her. Send it in an email too.

If she keeps on sending videos then I think it's pretty certain that what the OP's H told her is what the therapist actually said.

It seems like she wants you to do the work for her.

I don't think yabu although I am curious about his MH condition and the setting that he's attending therapy in?

Twice a week is a lot of therapy, is this all one to one? If his condition is something like BPD and he's having DBT (although that often involves groupwork not just one to one) then the application of that can be very practical. I can see how it might help for family members to be aware - but that should only be on the suggestion and enquiry by the family member.

I can't see how your involvement can be dictated by her unless you have signed some kind of contract involving yourself in his care? Have you? If not then this is way, way over the line.

i think in your shoes I would contact her and tell her what you have said here. It might be that your husband is instigating this or has somehow made her think you don’t know how to support him, or it might be that she is hugely overstepping a boundary. I would send her a message and say that what she is asking is too much and putting pressure on you and that you would appreciate it if you could keep the therapy homework between herself and your DH and make it clear that if you needed support from a therapist in managing your DH’s condition you would seek out your own therapist, you don’t need anything second hand through your DH.

I’m a therapist and what she’s doing is completely inappropriate. I would be questioning why she was sending that many videos to her client, let alone to her clients partner who isn’t involved in the therapy. She shouldn’t be bringing you in in this way. This is individual therapy. She’s massively crossing boundaries.
clients can often misrepresent what a therapist says, project onto them, but as you have seen her addressing you in the emails I’m assuming that isn’t happening here. If she genuinely said she was disappointed in you not watching the videos and wanting to support him then she shouldn’t be a therapist. She should not be bringing you into the room and positioning herself and him against you. That is really really fucked up. I would be worried about what else she’s doing. She’s undermining your relationship which is really worrying. You are his support network, what on earth is she playing at?

We wouldn't even expect DH to watch that many videos let alone the busy carer of the person (who isn't asking for help!)

Essentially she's set you 1 hour of homework on the first video (which you did watch) and is now trying to set you a further 14 hours of homework in one week and you're not even her client!! I doubt all of that is relevant .. and it's certainly not proportionate

She's adding life work for you to try to fit in , in the already busy multi role life that you have. Every good therapist knows that carers are often already under carer strain.

I'd be asking which one video of those do you want me to try to find time over next 3 weeks to watch ?

1. yes

2. yes

1. Let her know you can't watch all those videos, and ask her to choose one or two?

She shouldn't be putting all this on you. Well done for coping so far, and best of luck for the future.

From the horse's mouth!