Therapist turning me into DH’s emotional support human

[JustTheOneForMeThanks]

I won’t go into the details but my husband has a long-term diagnosed mental health condition. Over the years he’s had various treatment, therapy etc and generally handles it well but we’ve come to expect up and downs.

He lost a parent four months ago and hasn’t been in a great place mentally, completely understandably, and has been referred to a new therapist for two sessions a week which are done online.

We’ve both been through this enough times to know what only the person with the MH issue can fix the MH issue- he’s the one who had to do the medication, counseling, workshops etc and I’m here to support him, but I can’t fix the problem.

I’m very, very supportive of him and have always made sure he can access all the help he needs etc over the years so I’m very glad he’s gelling well with his new therapist.

He really likes her and is finding the sessions beneficial which is fantastic. I tend not to ask him too much about the sessions as I don’t want to pry, but do ask if he’s finding them good. Three weeks ago he mentioned that the therapist asked if I would be willing to watch a video around how to support someone with DH’s condition. I said yes and she sent the link to his email address.

I wanted the video- all good. Since then, she’s emailed 14 other videos to him, for my attention. She typically adds a note to the email saying “I thought these would be of benefit to MYNAME, can you ensure she watches them, please?”.

The videos range from 20-55mins long.

I don’t have time for this. DH is a fantastic person but he’s not well enough at the moment to work or do as much as usual at home. I’m picking up the slack and doing 99% of everything alone. That’s fine, I’ve done it before and I’m willing to keep doing it until he’s back on his feet fully.

Then I got a bit worried and was thinking that maybe DH thinks I’m not supportive, told his therapist this and she’s trying to get me into a more supportive space so I asked him, gently, if she enquired about how much support he’s getting at home. He said it came up and he told her I’m very encouraging and have always done everything to help him so I genuinely don’t think he’s given a view that’s contrary to what I think.

I did tell him that I was struggling to find the time to watch the videos and to ask his therapist to not send anymore. In their latest session she asked if I watched them, he said no and that I didn’t want any more, and then she said it was disappointing that I wasn’t willing to learn what I can do to support him and asked if he was concerned about why I said that.

I am furious.

I am literally keeping the show on the road. I do everything to make life easier for him when he’s not in a good state mentally. It’s really hard to get the balance between supporting him, and not cocooning him in a way that wouldn’t be helpful. I pick up his slack with the family, support him through work issues, pick up the financial slack, generally do everything- and more- that a good person does for someone they love.

My issue is that DH is doing really well with this therapist and likes her- he’s had therapists before that he hasn’t gelled with and so having someone he finds good and is comfortable with is a big win. I personally think she’s acted inappropriately but I don’t want to say anything that makes DH question whether he should keep working with her. He’s likely to continue seeing her for another few months.

I’ve told him that I didn’t appreciate her remark about me not watching the videos but he didn’t say much on it, just that he finds their sessions good.

So my questions-
1 If you were me, would you be annoyed?
2 Do think the therapist acted inappropriately?
3 What do you think I should do, if anything?

I’d be well pissed of in your shoes
I have very bad mental health issues ,no one is picking up the slack for me ,I’m expected to carry on as normal ,because I’m an adult .
be careful your being taken for a ride
I can imagine it must be wonderful when your not mentally well ,as I’m not ,to have someone do everything you are doing
if my family did a fraction for me ,that you are doing for your husband,I would be in a much better place .
the more you do for someone,the less they do for themselves,
if he’s not an in patient on a mental health ward ,then he really needs to be getting back to taking on his roles and responsibilities,
most of us with very bad mental health ,(I’ve been suicidal )don’t have someone doing for us what you are …and if I’m honest as much as I would love it ,it wouldn’t be good for me .
i think you are being taken advantage of op

I have been supporting my DH for 8 months with his MH issues, he is having therapy, has seen a psychiatrist, and another therapist. His current therapist asked DH once if he thought it would help him if we had a joint session. He asked me, I told him I was willing if he wanted it.
It hasn't happened, and I have never been included in any of the tools or skills DH is being given.
The only real reason I have been mentioned, other than the one thing above, was to ensure I was getting support for myself

I’d be curious about her credentials. However, valid point regarding what she actually said vs what was repeated back to OP.

PP remarked that counsellors have their own therapy in training, not so I’m afraid, not all courses mandate it.

are you sure the 14 videos are from the therapist at all? If she hasn’t emailed them directly to you (or at least to him and you can see he’s forwarding an email), there’s a considerable chance that they are coming from him instead.

You only have what he’s telling you to go on here. And that may be quite a long way from what’s actually happening.

He might be wanting you to take responsibility for him for all sorts of reasons. And believe that he’s being ‘helpful’ in assigning you loads of homework and then telling you the therapist is upset you won’t support him by doing all the work.

Er, yes she can contact the OP directly. She just can’t discuss the DH with the OP unless he’s signed a release. But she can absolutely do a carer’s assessment on the OP and give advice to the OP on how to be a supportive carer to a person with her DHs condition as well as ensure she accesses carer’s support like respite and funding.

As some PPs have said, first you need to ascertain exactly what the therapist said.

If it transpires that she did say what your DH told you, then she is bang out of order. As a former therapist, this would have been an absolute no-no. In fact, it's worse than that: she is colluding, which means her boundaries, which have already shown themselves to be poor, are compromised to the point where the entire therapy needs to be called into question. I bloody hope she a) has a supervisor, and b) this is taken to her supervision.

I'd be fucking raging, the patronising cow. She'd be getting a blistering email from me pointing out that you're pretty busy keeping the entire life of everyone in your household afloat as you have done for many years and her "disappointment" is inappropriate she can stick her videos up her arse

Yep all of this ^

I’m in the similar situation to you supporting DP through long term MH illness. It’s so very hard isn’t it, no one thinks of the carer. I am always part of his care plan and therefore I would be speaking to her directly.

WTF is on 14 videos? I would also expect my DP to have already said I don’t have time to watch 14 videos, that I don’t need to watch 14 videos to understand him and that I am already very supportive. This is his therapy, not yours and not couples.

What qualifications does she have? I would be questioning her methods.

I would be joining part of the session to discuss how inappropriate it is both to expect me to watch them and her berating me for doing so. That is not healthy.

Every health professional I have met has been grateful for, and welcomed, my support. In 30 years I have never been asked to ‘educate’ myself. I live with it ffs, I know him inside out, they usually ask me for my input.

Wow, I'd be really annoyed too.

She should be supporting him to support himself. Not sending you fourteen videos on how you should be supporting him

I think you're absolutely right to be annoyed.
I would email her back with some of the suggestions mentioned upthread about how you don't have time to watch these videos and can she restrict herself to interacting with DH going forward.

No, this is not how it works with psychotherapists.

Completely agree with all of this.

Yes it is. I’ve been under Psychiatric care for a decade. In two countries, but mostly the U.K. Currently under my local MHT with a psychiatrist and also with a psychologist doing therapy, plus an occupational therapist, a care coordinator and am in long term group therapy.

What kind of therapy is this?

I thought the entire premise was not to solve the clients problems but to help them find their own solution.

Does she think he should be entirely relying on you as his whole support? That's a danger in itself

I'd find out who she's registered with. I would not be impressed.

I appreciate you’re sharing a personal experience but you’re not talking about the same thing. A psychologist doing therapy as part of a multidisciplinary team is a different thing to a psychotherapist or counsellor doing therapy sessions that aren’t part of that kind of wider care with professionals working together.

I have done some training in counselling and psychotherapy, and I can tell you that people accredited by BACP or similar absolutely could not do this - the bar for breaking confidentiality by discussing your clients with a third party is extremely high, even if you get a court order you still have to get advice from your profession. You can’t just email someone’s partner, that’s not allowed.

OP it would help a bit if you could tell us what kind of professional this is, if you know. Are they NHS? Private? Charity? Am wondering if they’re from Cruse who I don’t think are necessarily qualified therapists at all.

Also wondering what your DH said to you when he passed the videos on and if he seems to think this is ok?

If it hasn't come directly from the therapist then I wouldn't pay much attention. I would be asking for her email and contact her myself though. If she's overstepped then I'd be overstepping right back personally.

fuck that shit is all I can say

YANBU OP

Well .... first of all, my heart goes out to you. I spent decades with an OH with mental health problems (who refused treatment) and now that I look back I sometimes wonder if I mothered him too much to my own detriment - he died 2 years ago. It was just an assumption that I would increase my work hours when he had to drop down, that I would be the one to handle any problems with the children (school/emotional etc.), that I would do all the planning (holidays etc.), and that everything would be planned round what he was capable of.

Don't misunderstand me, he pulled his weight round the home and loved our children dearly - because he only got the good bits I guess!

But with the benefit of hindsight I think he just always knew that I would be there picking up the slack, and that if maybe I had stood back he might have had to take a bit more responsibility for his own health - and for his family's needs to have a bit more of a normal life.

14 videos is off the wall! I too would be annoyed. But mainly because these videos are about how you can support HIM - how about some videos intended to support YOU in your very difficult task? I got no support - I just soldiered on and kept our family together - any thanks come my way? ..... no.

But I look at my DDs with happy families of their own and it all feels worth it. But then I did not have this "therapist" rubbing salt in the wound. I would be tempted to email her and say that you are disappointed by her response (she said it was disappointing that I wasn’t willing to learn what I can do to support him and asked if he was concerned about why I said that.) and that you are disappointed that she is unable to look at the whole picture - to ask herself what it is like to be the wife and family of this ill person, rather than passing an opinion which might put a wedge between the two of you - when he needs you or the whole pack of cards comes tumbling down.

I think it is unprofessional. She needs to be asking herself where the support for YOU is. The sort of therapy that can only see one side of a situation is unprofessional and self-indulgent. You are quite right to be cross.

No idea what I’d do.

What does your husband think? I’d be expressing my displeasure with him, about her bloody “disappointment” with me!

Im not sure that’s helpful though. It’s sorta like pushing him to choose between you and the therapist. Didn’t Fay Weldon have some kind of experience like that. It all sounds a bit weird, as you are not in family therapy and have never met this person. They sound like they are going beyond their remit. Perhaps they mean well.

I don’t know tricky situation.

Maybe tell your husband you are not in family therapy with her, and to keep you out of her unasked for ‘educational directives’ .

Hopefully he can see this? Unfortunately this might make you also angry at him if he can’t!. Can he accept that? All sounds very tricky.

You could ring her governing body BACP? for advice on this. That’s what I would do.

BACP have a service specifically for discussing and getting advice on concerns about therapists. Details here

In their latest session she asked if I watched them, he said no and that I didn’t want any more, and then she said it was disappointing that I wasn’t willing to learn what I can do to support him and asked if he was concerned about why I said that.

If this is his account of the conversation then he's either lying or his therapist is massively unprofessional.

My bet is on the former being more likely than the latter.

And if she is actually saying to him that she's disappointed in you (?!) then this poster is absolutely bang on. Completely unethical.

This was actually my first thought. Mainly because therapists really aren't supposed to rope in other people.