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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does anyone have a partner who hates them reading books or who gets angry if you don't sit and watch TV with him/her?

111 replies

DeedeeDashwood · 05/08/2022 15:20

I'm very aware that there are some men out there who have a real hatred of books and who are capable of getting very angry indeed if their partners sit and read at home. My theory is that (a) they associate books with school and with being bored at school, and (b) they see books as intellectual and it makes them feel stupid if their partners engage in what they see as an intellectual activity which they themselves aren't capable of - as if their partners are somehow calling them thick by sitting down to read a book.

Likewise some partners (of either sex) feel that their other halves should sit down and watch telly with them, regardless of how moronic their choice of TV show is or how far outside their partner's range of interests it is. It's always struck me as really babyish, like they're not capable of watching TV on their own and they need someone to watch it with them. They seem to think it's part of their partner's job to watch TV with them, even if what's on TV is a bottom-of-the barrel unfunny sitcom, a live darts match or some godawful garish bit of Saturday night gameshow garbage. And yet if the situation's reversed and their partner gets to choose a TV show of a kind which doesn't appeal to them, they'll huff and puff and call it sh*t and leave the room.

I'm wondering if any Mumsnetters have spent years living in this sort of situation and whether they ended up splitting or living separate lives in the same building. I remember a TV play years ago which touched on this sort of thing; the husband, played by Kenneth Cranham, banned his wife from reading library books. As for the TV thing, that was even closer to home for me.

OP posts:
yonce · 05/08/2022 17:33

Id twat my husband with my kindle before I gave up reading for a man 😂 I think he loves it though, can snuggle together and he can watch whatever rubbish on the tv he wants as I'm in a fantasy land!

IncompleteSenten · 05/08/2022 17:35

Nope. No man ever gets raging mad with their partner "because they like books".

There are abusive men who use that as an excuse for their anger and abuse.

Big and very important difference

Pokske · 05/08/2022 17:45

A friend of mine is in this situation, I discovered a while ago. I was on the phone with her, and then she said "oh, I have to go because Patrick put the telly on so I have to go and sit with him to watch xyz". We were not at the end of our conversation but she had to go and do her marital telly watching duty.
My dad was the same when it came to knitting/sewing. My mother didn't knit/sew often in the evening, but when she did my dad wanted her to stop. This was because he thought that knitting/sewing was "work" and nobody had to work in the evening. Evenings were for relaxing. But he could watch television on his own without my mum's company.

Pokske · 05/08/2022 17:46

I have to say I'm glad I'm single so I do as I like.

JudyGemstone · 05/08/2022 17:54

As part of my job I attend MARAC meetings (DV risk assessment). As you can imagine it’s a 5 hour or so non stop barrage of stories of violence, rape and abuse. You get a bit desensitised if I’m honest.

But something I remember that really stood out was one perpetrator would rip the last few pages out of any book his partner was reading. That level of petty spitefulness really stuck with me. Horrible.

Watchkeys · 05/08/2022 17:54

Pokske · 05/08/2022 17:46

I have to say I'm glad I'm single so I do as I like.

People in healthy relationships do as they like too. Not to correct you, but just to say that single isn't the only way.

SkiingIsHeaven · 05/08/2022 17:59

I listen to audiobooks while he watches his crap shows then switch it off when we watch stuff we both like.

I do this because DH and DS have the same sense of humour and love watching the shows together. I want to physically be with them but don't like that type of TV show so I listen to what I want via headphones.

We do all watch stuff that we all like together.

I think it is a good compromise.

I can't concentrate on reading when the TV is on but earphones and audiobooks get around that problem.

AperolWhore · 05/08/2022 18:03

My wife decides as soon as she sees me reading to start talking to me as if her life depends on it…every dam time!

I ignore her and she says, oh I’m sorry you’re reading in a sarcastic tone, she does leave me alone but after 15 years you would think she’d get the hint already 🤦🏼‍♀️

D0lphine · 05/08/2022 18:07

SkiingIsHeaven · 05/08/2022 17:59

I listen to audiobooks while he watches his crap shows then switch it off when we watch stuff we both like.

I do this because DH and DS have the same sense of humour and love watching the shows together. I want to physically be with them but don't like that type of TV show so I listen to what I want via headphones.

We do all watch stuff that we all like together.

I think it is a good compromise.

I can't concentrate on reading when the TV is on but earphones and audiobooks get around that problem.

So you listen to audiobooks and watch the unrelated tv program?

This sounds confusing.

Dotdotdot19 · 05/08/2022 18:07

I think my DH prefers it when I read as I then don't comment on his (frankly crap) choice of TV show or film. He also enables my book buying by letting me loose in charity shops unattended.

However if he were to descend to the level of the other examples then I frankly would leave him. Because in my opinion it is not about the books but about the control over what I do.

Bunnynames101 · 05/08/2022 18:11

I had a partner who got frustrated at me reading at bed time. They were dyslexic so struggled with reading so chose not to. I don't like TV in the bedroom personally but I got one to give me some peace to read at bed time.

Crikeyalmighty · 05/08/2022 18:13

Yes - one reason my first marriage ended- both of these applied.

Must admit my h now is guilty of the wanting you to watch stuff when he does- but it's the opposite of shit- world war 11 documentaries and lots of Lucy Worsley history stuff-- I'm ok with a certain amount - but anything that's a bit 'lowbrow' is kind of 'not allowed'

Dalaidramailama · 05/08/2022 18:14

I read NON stop. Husband watches telly. Sometimes I do join him so we can just chat etc but no he’s never ever had a problem with me reading he knows books are my life.

brookstar · 05/08/2022 18:15

I had an ex who hated me reading on holiday.

He also used to moan about me wasting money on books and cluttering the house.

My DH buys me books and saves me the book review section of newspapers. One of the reasons I love him!

SpiderVersed · 05/08/2022 18:17

I'm very aware that there are some men out there who have a real hatred of books and who are capable of getting very angry indeed if their partners sit and read at home

What the actual hell? “Very aware”? Where are you meeting these princes of men, OP? Or do you need some copy in time for Sunday’s paper?

A bloke objecting to my reading wouldn’t have made it to a second date.

AuntieMarys · 05/08/2022 18:17

You need to have higher standards

SkiingIsHeaven · 05/08/2022 18:19

@D0lphine I don't watch the show I listen to the book through earphones. and just sit with them drinking tea.

Sometimes I potter about.

We have a kitchen, diner, family room thing.

pinkyredrose · 05/08/2022 18:24

Whadda · 05/08/2022 17:27

I refuse to believe that this is a thing.

Why? Not everyone has the same life experience as you.

MintJulia · 05/08/2022 18:25

A partner who tried to stop me reading books would last about 20 mins. 😁 Just why?

CandyLeBonBon · 05/08/2022 18:25

I had one like this. We were on holiday. We'd spent ages at a leisurely dinner (think over 3-4 hours, wine, lovely food etc) talking and laughing etc. I'd been reading a book earlier whilst we were by the pool and as the meal had come to an end, and everything had been cleared away and we'd had coffee etc so I said I was going to grab my book so i could read on on deck (we were staying on a boat) as the sun went down and he went absolutely fucking beserk - accused me of ignoring him, stomped off in a sulk, refused to talk to me even though I put the book down and said sorry I thought we'd reached a natural end to our meal/conversation and were happy to sit and chill for a bit. The only thing that got him out of his strop was sex.

I don't know if I was out of order or not - it was a really good book - but his anger really shocked me. Unfortunately it was part of a bigger picture of abuse and control. I just didn't realise it at the time.

LaBelleSausage · 05/08/2022 18:26

My ex husband got angry when I read, to the point I would use the kindle app on my phone so he didn't know that's what I was doing.

I'm very glad to be out of that relationship

D0lphine · 05/08/2022 18:28

LaBelleSausage · 05/08/2022 18:26

My ex husband got angry when I read, to the point I would use the kindle app on my phone so he didn't know that's what I was doing.

I'm very glad to be out of that relationship

Why did he say he hated it?

FilePhoto · 05/08/2022 18:33

My ex hated me doing anything that meant he wasn't centre of attention. So reading, playing on my phone. Basically anything other than watching him game.
He was an abusive cunt though.

LaBelleSausage · 05/08/2022 18:33

@D0lphine a variety of reasons.

Either he felt I was ignoring him, or that I wanted to make him feel stupid (he isn't a reader) or he would be rude about whatever it was I was reading.

He used to sit and watch every sport going, so usually the tv would have something like Danish long ball or curling on, it wasn't like I was missing a particular bonding experience.
He didn't want me to talk over the tv, he felt it was rude if I left the room, so basically he wanted me to sit in silence so I was available if he wanted me.

I used to just claim I was playing candy crush which he made fun of but not in such an unkind way.

CinstonWhurchill · 05/08/2022 18:34

Op, my now ex DH used to "read". He "read" all the time.... He "read" when the DIY needed doing, he read when the house needed cleaning, he read when the children wanted to play games. He "read" when the hedges needed trimming. He read when our kitchen tap leaked. He was a massive reader. His reading, meant I sorted it all out myself. He is now divorced and continues to read.. alone.

Our sons now prefer to stay home with me at weekends. The reason they give: because Dad's always reading. Dad is boring.

Op, what ever your relationship status... you may like reading..maybe others don't!

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