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Original poster

Mum won't apologise

79 replies

muminapickle500 · 04/08/2022 00:47

Here's a thorny one: do I ever speak to my mum again?

She (87) severely upset my youngest DD (23) by publicly calling her into the living room when we had company, and then scolding her on her table manners in the restaurant saying she had embarrassed herself and us (no-one else had noticed). We're agreed that was just mum seeking attention when the spotlight was elsewhere. She does this a lot.

Anyway, my daughter is a sensitive soul and was at the time coming off her meds (SSRIs) and very fragile. Mum knew this. DD burst into tears and ran out of the room - it was the last time she would see her granny before she returns abroad, and the telling off made her doubly upset. It all ended very messily and embarrassingly for all. To her credit DD gathered herself enough to say a proper goodbye, but no apology from mum at the time.

Mum has now asked me to carry a message about something quite separate to DD (she lost her email), but I have told her until a proper apology is forthcoming, it's unlikely DD will want to speak to her. Mum has point-blank refused (no justification given). I am now also minded to go nc with her until she apologises, but haven't said anything yet. Mum is stubborn as hell.

Does Mumsnet have any thoughts? It feels like a hill to die on but I might be over-complicating things.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/08/2022 00:53

Not answering the question but does she have bad table manners? My grandmother would pretty much lose it if any of us had bad manners at the table. We were all brought up to eat properly as in no elbows on the table, holding the knife and fork properly, not eating with your mouth open and so on, asking for things not reaching over the table.
It wasn't really very nice embarrassing her publicly, I'd have had a private word, but if she thinks she's right she probably won't apologise.

SpindleSheWrote · 04/08/2022 00:55

Was a phone involved, perchance?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2022 00:55

Why would your daughter want an apology that isn't even genuine? You can't force someone to apologise.

Your mother is 87 and won't be around forever. You either let it go or you don't.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2022 00:55

SpindleSheWrote · 04/08/2022 00:55

Was a phone involved, perchance?

My thoughts exactly.

Isaidnoalready · 04/08/2022 00:56

Sounds like your both stubborn 😁

but I agree an apology should be forthcoming I also don't believe for one minute she has "lost" her email if you have used it once its still in your system she is just using you as a go between for more drama

Step back and don't get involved give her one line on repeat

No i wont pass on messages You were rude and upset dd you owe her a public apology for your behaviour

Your never too old to learn manners

TeapotTitties · 04/08/2022 00:57

Just give her the email address and let them get on with it themselves.

Original poster
muminapickle500 · 04/08/2022 01:03

To repeat, her manners are fine. No-one else commented or noticed. It was an attention-seeking device.

OP posts:
Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 04/08/2022 01:04

If someone did that to my mentally fragile child I'd tell them they can die alone and leave.

HeddaGarbled · 04/08/2022 01:07

I wouldn’t bother forwarding on any messages to your daughter, nor insist on an apology. Your daughter can make these decisions for herself but I wouldn’t facilitate communication.

I wouldn’t go no contact myself.

EmmaH2022 · 04/08/2022 01:17

A lot of this depends what your relationship is like normally.

Danoo · 04/08/2022 01:22

Instead of ''say sorry'' I'd focus on asking her to show some understanding that she behaved in a way that upset your daughter and that your daughter had a right to be upset.

But..... i wouldnt be too optimistic :-( my own mother is not speaking to me because I asked that my feelings be heard. My family is completely dysfunctional. My mum was determined not to hear me and she has been successful. so well done to her.

Bunty55 · 04/08/2022 01:57

Why didn't you step in and tell your mother to shut up if it was so bad ?

Original poster
muminapickle500 · 04/08/2022 02:28

Bunty55 · 04/08/2022 01:57

Why didn't you step in and tell your mother to shut up if it was so bad ?

Sorry, should have explained clearer. I was with my friend in the kitchen, mum called DD into the living room. The first I saw of it was DD rushing out the room in floods of tears. So the scolding was not in public, more a "come into this room I need to have a word" sort of thing.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 04/08/2022 02:33

Exactly how did you react when your mother sought to make a show of your fragile daughter?
This is very important to know.

I would not entertain your mother for a minute.

Ask your daughter does she want contact.
If she doesn't, leave it.

Your mother was very rude and has form from what you write.

My loyalty would be to my child, my attention seeking mother would not be of huge concern in this situation.

billy1966 · 04/08/2022 02:37

Oh ok you weren't there.

So she has given her fragile grandchild a dressing down.

Not impressed and I would tell her so.
I don't think you need to go NC but you can support your child and refuse to discuss your daughter with your mother if you feel she owes her an apology.

fallfallfall · 04/08/2022 02:40

you were not involved or present, give your mom the e-mail and let the two make peace (on not) on their terms.
stay out of it. obviously you are close to both, but i highly recommend you not being in the middle.
please allow your daughter the opportunity to deal with this herself.

MarshaMelrose · 04/08/2022 02:44

So your mother told your daughter off for poor table manners in private? And your daughter cried over the private telling off.

Just tell your mum you don't agree with what she did and move on. Your mum's 87. She's not going to change now and she won't be around for long. Your daughter's 23, she's not a baby. Let her stand on her own two feet.

Homebird8 · 04/08/2022 02:50

This doesn’t sound as though it’s a one off but rather the final straw. If so, it’s amazing you got to your mum being the age she is before you reached this decision point. Or have you always just put your feelings and those of your family below your mother’s? Maybe it’s time to switch the parent child hierarchy and correct your mother’s behaviour.

StClare101 · 04/08/2022 03:27

Hang on so it wasn’t a public dressing down? I don’t see the big deal then. Share the email and it’s up to your DD if she wants to respond.

Justcallmebebes · 04/08/2022 10:54

So your mother told your daughter off for poor table manners in private? And your daughter cried over the private telling off.
Just tell your mum you don't agree with what she did and move on. Your mum's 87. She's not going to change now and she won't be around for long. Your daughter's 23, she's not a baby. Let her stand on her own two feet.

^This

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 04/08/2022 11:20

I seem to be in the minority, but I think a private conversation between two adults is fine. Your daughter is 23. If there is loads more background and your mum is abusive then that's a separate decision. But based purely on this, no. Your daughter is an adult.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2022 13:18

muminapickle500 · 04/08/2022 02:28

Sorry, should have explained clearer. I was with my friend in the kitchen, mum called DD into the living room. The first I saw of it was DD rushing out the room in floods of tears. So the scolding was not in public, more a "come into this room I need to have a word" sort of thing.

Show quote history

Your daughter is 23. Running out of the room I. "floods of tears" is a ridiculous overreaction. Your daughter needs to learn how to manage her own relationships, so stay out of it.

layladomino · 04/08/2022 16:01

I think people are missing or ignoring the fact that you've said your mum has form for this sort of thing, and that she deliberately upset your daughter (knowing she is just coming off meds and is more sensitive) to seek attention.

I would support your daughter not having any contact (she is an adult who can decide who she wants in her life) but I wouldn't necessarily go NC myself. I would however make my position clear, which would be that my DD has my support.

StillHappy · 04/08/2022 16:08

It doesn’t sound as though it was public, so not quite the drama suggested by the title.

Ginger1982 · 04/08/2022 16:09

@Aquamarine1029 that's a bit harsh. The OP said her daughter is coming off meds and is very fragile. Sometimes it takes the smallest thing to tip you. You might think it's ridiculous but the OP's daughter clearly didn't.