Annoying housemate

[Forgiveitall]

I’d absolutely love some advice on this.

for financial reasons I’m living with a housemate and not alone. There is so much good about the situation and it took me a long time to find suitable accommodation. I was living in a hotel for a while and in a rented mobile home for a while after my marriage ended. Accommodation is very expensive and I don’t want to move out. Moving out is not the solution I’m looking for. Believe me, I’ve been through the mill with housing.

but …

my housemate is driving me around the twist! He was so many totally annoying traits. I don’t mind that I do almost all of the cleaning, it’s not that kind of stuff - I can tolerate that, it’s his personality. He’s the argumentative sort, which is the last thing I need after a long day massaging my boss’s ego in a hot kitchen (I’m a chef) & his other extra annoying trait is making a huge deal out of it any time he does anything nice or good for me or anyone else. It almost takes the good out of it that he goes on so much about how great he is for doing something! The third thing is he never ever leaves the house (just to buy food and that’s it!). He has no social or romantic life whatsoever.

so you might wonder what my question even is . Does anyone have any tricks or tips for dealing with this sort of person? I keep busy and I work long hours so I’m not there all that much but he’s my housemate so I still see him more than anyone else and it can be the tiniest annoying text from him that triggers me! Any time i’m there he’s there

tips? Help? Please?

Love all your advice in your first point.

Did I read this right - he said he wanted to kiss you?

He owns the house and said he would ask you to move out if you didn't spend time with him?

I know you're desperate to settle into decent accommodation but this is not it.

@OriginalUsername2 thank you.
i don’t think he’s on the autism spectrum to be honest. I don’t want to get into too much detail about his personality etc but I’m fairly certain that’s not the case. He doesn’t have any of the signs of ASD but I can totally see based on what I’ve written how you might think that. If you met him you’d know what I mean 😊

@WorkshyHorsefly
thanks for the response. He never said he wanted to kiss me but he has said he thinks I’m very attractive and has asked me if I’d like to go for dinner etc. He never used the word date but I got the picture.

that second bit is unfortunately true. As soon as he said it, he said after that he wouldn’t really do it but he sounded serious when he first said it!

the guy can be nice and we can get along but I think that’s the problem . He seems to think we are very close and my boundaries need work

you’re right though . I’ll continue to look for accommodation but it could take time

@WinterMusings.

would you consider living in with an elderly person who doesn't need care, just a little company occasionally & someone in the house at night, most nights & maybe who can do the shopping etc?

I think this is a good suggestion. I know there's an organisation/charity that partners up younger people with elderly people with a spare room.

Thanks @BeggarsMeddle i registered with my local agency when I was looking for accommodation so I’m still registered

To add to some great suggestions on here, as you do have to speak to him sometimes and you're "naturally chatty" would it help to have some simple low effort topics of conversation that you are happy to engage with him on.

I'm thinking of things that he's less likely to argue about, that you feel safe sharing and can buffer against other more frustrating conversations.There might even be something he's happy to talk about at length while you tune out and murmur vague answers to.

It will satisfy his need for interaction in a relatively 'low-cost' way and hopefully you will be less likely to get drawn into the conversations that bother you.

So while you're making tea for example and have to be in communal areas, start a conversation about a TV show, traffic, funny customer at work etc. Keep it light and non personal to you

I don't know if I've explained that well but it's a tactic I've used with people I find hard work but can't avoid in the past

Is his last name Rigsby? Sorry, i know it's serious, but the similarities are striking.

Thanks @BadnessInTheFolds none of that comes naturally to me . I’m the type that strangers tell their life story to . But I will try

@P1ainJanine
😂just call me Mrs Jones

To be honest this thread has triggered a lot for me. It’s really made me look at my part in all of this. The thing is I do like to think the best of people and he seemed like a nice guy from the start . But he was also obviously quite argumentative from the start. I could see that. But I thought it was the best I could do.

thanks to everyone for your input. It’s very kind of you. Who knows what’ll happen but at the very least I am starting to understand I deserve a bit better and I’m trying to stop feeling responsible for him

What makes you think of him as a nice bloke? Not saying he isn't, but I am curious.

@ImpartialMongoose
i guess he’s got some good traits - he did lots of nice things to make me moving in easy. It’s hard to straight up not like someone I suppose

This always happens in my life. I normalise crazy shit and figure out its crazy when I’m in deeper than I wish to be

Yes, but it's easy for someone to do nice things for someone they fancy and envisage a relationship with. Is he the same with other people that he is not attracted to?

@ImpartialMongoose
well he has told me countless stories about all the amazing things he’s done for people! I’ve seen him help out his brothers with different things

I’ll be honest though - there was one huge red flag at the beginning - not that the ones I’ve written about here aren’t red enough - this one is too specific & outing to write here but basically I didn’t know he was lying about something until I moved in . It just showed he was hoping we’d end up being a couple . I can’t shake this feeling that I owe him something and I am afraid he’ll kick me out if I disengage too much - and where the hell will I go then ? Anyway I just need to figure out how to be pleasant but disengaged

I think you should see this as temporary whilst you find another place. He's trampled over your boundaries and it's simply unacceptable, you shouldnt have to put up with this because you're unable to find somewhere better. I understand that it's better than where you have been living, but that doesn't make it right. Definitely implement the suggestions PP have made, but just to make it easier for you until you find somewhere else where you don't have a landlord who is anticipating sex with you and is biding his time.

Thanks @ImpartialMongoose

Do you know how I feel reading this thread OP? Exhausted. I feel exhausted just thinking about all the different tactics you need to juggle to keep this man happy. The mental contortions you need to go through to give him just enough so he doesn't throw you out for being too distant while also protecting yourself from him trampling on your boundaries.

Careful conversations. The need to go to the gym more, or to hang out in local coffee shops to avoid being home with him.

Jesus. Just no.

Your home should be your sanctuary. The one place in the world where you can do what you want and just relax. Even more important when you have a highly stressful job such as being a chef.

Although all the suggestions from others are all excellent - you really REALLY shouldn't have to manage your home life so carefully.

There absolutely will be a better living solution out there for you. I honestly can't put into words how strongly I would urge you to start looking again, and maybe exploring non-standard options rather than just going through the rental listings. You deserve so much more than dealing with this bullshit and treading on eggshells when you're at home.

@SpidersAreShitheads

thanks. I am going to look again but believe me when I say that i explored many many options the last time which is how I ended up renting a mobile home. I put ads up, I reached out to friends & colleagues and I registered with agencies as well as going through the listings . It took up a lot of my free time

Your home should be your sanctuary. The one place in the world where you can do what you want and just relax. Even more important when you have a highly stressful job such as being a chef
this is what I’ve been wanting all my life but I just can’t seem to find it … yet anyhow!

@SpidersAreShitheads - a hole in one.

I hear ya, your dream place, sanctuary. Well you may wait decades for that (I did, do t think I’m even there tbh), and in fact it may never come in the way most people on MN take for granted.

However, trying to set up a facsimile of this in your current situation is unlikely to work for all the reasons @SpidersAreShitheads mentions.

Keep looking. You may get lucky. Or at least find something more relaxing. I’d wager a bet you’ll be gone from this guys home before Xmas. Asking you about your sex life. Telling you you’re attractive. Who’s he - the Miss World judge? Just. Ugh. Entitled twat. And of course pretty creepy unless you fancy him.

I was with you until you gave this (non annoying) example

Thank you @AmeAmy 🙂

OP, have you looked at www.sharemyhome.co.uk

Just wondering if that might work for you?

Or there’s also homeshareuk.org/homeshare-areas-coverage-map/

@AmeAmy
Asking you about your sex life. Telling you you’re attractive. Who’s he - the Miss World judge? Just. Ugh. Entitled twat. And of course pretty creepy unless you fancy him

yeah very true. It’s kind of weird that I didn’t even think too much of it (aside from the inappropriateness of it).

i have given him too much information I think. He seems to want to know where I am all the time. He does have the potential to get a bit creepy & yes I’m going to move out ASAP

@SpidersAreShitheads
thank you! You’re very kind! I did register with them before but the hours I work and the amount I work made it hard for them to find a match … which I understood …

But I must stress it’s not unsafe. It’s weird as I have male friends who have never asked me about my sex live despite knowing each other since we were kids.

anyhow it’s weird . I’d find it all easier if he just wasnt there all the time . I do feel sorry for him .