Annoying housemate

[Forgiveitall]

I’d absolutely love some advice on this.

for financial reasons I’m living with a housemate and not alone. There is so much good about the situation and it took me a long time to find suitable accommodation. I was living in a hotel for a while and in a rented mobile home for a while after my marriage ended. Accommodation is very expensive and I don’t want to move out. Moving out is not the solution I’m looking for. Believe me, I’ve been through the mill with housing.

but …

my housemate is driving me around the twist! He was so many totally annoying traits. I don’t mind that I do almost all of the cleaning, it’s not that kind of stuff - I can tolerate that, it’s his personality. He’s the argumentative sort, which is the last thing I need after a long day massaging my boss’s ego in a hot kitchen (I’m a chef) & his other extra annoying trait is making a huge deal out of it any time he does anything nice or good for me or anyone else. It almost takes the good out of it that he goes on so much about how great he is for doing something! The third thing is he never ever leaves the house (just to buy food and that’s it!). He has no social or romantic life whatsoever.

so you might wonder what my question even is . Does anyone have any tricks or tips for dealing with this sort of person? I keep busy and I work long hours so I’m not there all that much but he’s my housemate so I still see him more than anyone else and it can be the tiniest annoying text from him that triggers me! Any time i’m there he’s there

tips? Help? Please?

As you want to stay sharing, remaining in your room is key.

Thankfully it's large.

Would you start going for a walk in the evening and then retiring to your room.

If he never goes out, you are his sole entertainment/engagement.

Stop being that.
Be tired.
Have a headache.
Stop watching TV with him.

He sounds like a deeply annoying 5 year old with the relentless questions and engagement.

Head melting.

All you can do is plan to be in your large room.

Buy yourself a blow up gaming chair for your room if you don't have a large comfortable armchai to sit on.

Make your room as comfortable as possible.

When he tells you he did x/y/z household chore, tell him cheerfully 'Oh, yes, I did that too, on Thursday'

Every time. He'll get very fed up with being constantly and cheerfully reminded that he's nothing special.

@billy1966
thank you so much.

you’ve hit the nail on the head with this:

If he never goes out, you are his sole entertainment/engagement

you’re right - more walking, maybe start actually using my gym membership and nice shower & then bed!

@Watchkeys

yeah you’re right. I need to use my mouth more.

He’s so f-in annoying and I actually feel sorry for him as I don’t think he knows he is

Can you try having open communication?

"I've had such a long day, can we talk about something more positive?"

"I'm really not in the mood for moping around, I'm going to go for a walk and then have a relaxing bath/shower/chill"

"Sorry I can't text during the day, work is too full on. So I wouldn't worry about texting, I'll see you when I get in".

"Let's not moan, it brings me down. Right, let's cook/watch TV/play a board game"

Thats it, use your gym membership.
Tire yourself out and get earphones sobyou can watch programs in your room in peace.

Keep saying how exhausting work is.
You are exercising to reduce stress.
You need to get to bed early for sleep.

Just disengage and get him used to not depending on you so much.

It is deeply unhealthy for you both.

You do not owe him a relationship other than politely passing him off.

I would continue to keep an ear out for other accommodation just to be on the safe side.

But why would you even tell him your plans?
To me that's cementing some sort of relationship in his mind and encouraging him.

I'd block his number and tell him you've changed your phone, knock texting him on the head completely.

At most if I thought he might freak at my disappearance I might have left a note on the fridge saying help yourself to milk etc I'm away for a few days.

There aren't enough benefits in the world for me to consider living with a narcissist.

Been on the few room viewings lately as am selling up and thought just a room in a flatshare would do for a while. But it'd so hard to find a place atm and if I don't within 2 weeks, I'll have to move back with family for a while.

But still, saw a room 2 days ago and the girl there was a straight up obvious narcissist or similar (bragging about her achievements, talking over me, texting on her phone whilst I spoke to her, snearing about my life choices ect) She offered me the room right there too and I was like 'eh...I'll think about it'. Nope! No chance.

Dont stay with toxic people. There is no ignoring them when you live with them. They'll ground you down.

Look for another room. It migjt take some time, it might mean some sacrifices. But your home should be a safe space. Free from toxic people.

Also, his replies sound a little possesive too. Plus you are doing all the cleaning? Not really sure it's it's safe op. Suspect he may even kick off if you get a bf as he sees you as 'his'.

I think you're in a weird sort of relationship with him - especially if you're hearkening back to your ex!

Don't be in a controlling relationship with anyone! Definitely not with your housemate.

I unfortunately have experience of living with someone who started off "odd" and became "scary" so I hope that doesn't happen to you. It's not spoken of enough. (In my case he wasn't trying to get together with me, he got paranoid about me, but neither is a safe situation)

It's like he's pretending he's in a relationship with you!

If it was me, I'd get a TV for my room and only use the kitchen and bathroom and stop hanging out with him.

Or if you don't want to do that then every time he starts getting argumentative, stand up and say I'm really not interested in being argued with. And go to your room.

Thanks @WidgetDigit2022 i think the big thing is I need to stop, breathe & choose how to respond to him instead of getting pulled into his ridiculous arguments about anything & everything.

@billy1966 everything you’ve written is so helpful. I’ll do all of the above. I need to exercise more anyhow! TV has been my way to chill out since I was a kid but maybe it’s time to find a healthier way to chill out. Who knows I might even meet some nice bloke at the gym!

@stayathomegardener
we’ve both got in the habit of telling one another our plans (his involve staying at home!). He went away for the weekend once and you’d swear he was moving to another continent! I actually feel Sorry for him and the problem is that when we’re casually getting on in the kitchen or whatnot, i start thinking he’s great but then he does something deeply annoying or weird and I wish I had kept my distance!

@Pinkbonbon
it’s kind of amazing you can see that, it can feel a bit possessive. You also see how hard it is to find accommodation. I am going to keep my eyes open but I know from recent experience how difficult it is. (One houseshare I viewed in an unpopulated area far from work had 60 people come to view and a short list!).

Like wtf is he saying that it’s no problem and no worries if I stay at a friend’s house? I wasn’t asking for permission!

@TheHideAndSeekingHill
thanks. Yeah . I need to create so much more distance. Im way too friendly with him and he probably takes the tiniest bit of friendliness as a sign I’m into him! FFS. As my brother said to me once ‘don’t be a trusting fool.’

@IncompleteSenten

Thanks. yeah I’m going to make my room as nice & comfy as possible & also try to get out for walks and the gym as much as possible

You are being way too nice and people pleasing. You have a big room which is great so kit it out as a mini lounge studio.

Why the hell are you watching TV with him? Put a TV in your own room. Dickheads like that will just assume you LOVE his witty company. You only have to be civil to him, nothing more.

It's way more unhealthy to get wound up like this than to stay in your own private space.

Does he own the place? If not, stop being so nice and actually point out that he needs to do more cleaning.

Well seeing your further responses ….

I think you are being way too nice.

Too people-pleasy.

On an epic scale! Cleaning his house all day! Jeez.

And he certainly is reaching CF status, “approving” your wish to stay at a friends a couple of nights.

Theres nothing wrong with being nice and kind. You sound lovely OP. But giving it away to people who are exploiting your kindness. Some of your dilemma is circumstances. But also you are giving too much …. is this a lack of self love also?

I hear what you say about accommodation being hard to find. But you found this one?! So you will find another one, given time.

If you really love the large room, then you will have to just make sone decisions on how to keep away from him I suppose. Completely, if possible, apart from a “how are you? Fine” exchange. However, you are understandably wanting a relaxing chat at the end of a hectic day, he is probably lonely and fixated on you in sone way, so it’s a difficult circuit to break. Even with best intentions.

And, all this energy you are putting in to your relationship with him, you could be finding somewhere else nice to live/meeting other people/doing your own stuff.

The good thing about him being a house mate, is you don't 'have' to get on with him, you don't 'have' to have a relationship with him, you don't 'have' to be pleasant to him.

Look up 'grey rock technique' make yourself be uninteresting, don't tell him anything about yourself or your life, respond with as little info as possible.

Also 'the nacho' rule. It's 'nacho' problem, it's 'nacho' your responsibility. Often used for step parenting which might help dealing with My Annoying

if Your bedroom is decently sized, there is no reason not to spend time there. Turn it into a mini flat and get yourself some privacy and sanity. If you enjoy watching tv, put a tv in your bedroom.

Also to add, I had a housemate like that for 5 years. Only occasional pleasantries, (which was her choice). Admittedly very unusual. Barely saw her as she worked v. long hours. We shared the living room twice in all that time I think.

Nacho

In the nicest possible way OP, you need to take a good hard look at your behaviour and why you are interacting with this lazy weirdo the way you are.

If he was female would you still put up with doing the majority of housework and entertaining the weirdness just to be polite?

When I left my abusive husband I had absolutely nothing, so worked as a live-in nanny to get back on my feet. In no time at all the parents were treating me like shit. It was because my personal boundaries were completely fucked up and I was so used to doing everything and being walked all over I had normalised it.

You are giving this creep way too much power. A housemate relationship only needs to be cordial and fair. No way do you need to inform him of your whereabouts/plans.

Please don't minimise his come-ons either. This type of man has the potential to get scary real quick.

You have received some good ideas on here already so I won't repeat them.

I do wonder exactly what you text him regarding being away. Because on the surface it I don't really see the issue with his response. You say you let him know out of curtesy so a response of "that's fine, no worries" doesn't seem out of place.

I think you are at that stage where everything someone does annoys you, even if that individual things is particularly annoying. In my view that's really hard to come back from. And the only things you can do is avoid them and be very careful with how you do interact. Keep conversation light, don't get drawn in. Personally, I wouldn't engage at all when he talks about a tiny thing he has done. I wouldn't point out that I had done more, it feels too relationship like. He could misconstrued it as you wanting him to value you or compliment you. Or that you do chores for him in some way. At most I would say something bland like 'it needed doing' or 'cool' and change the subject or get back to whatever I was doing.

I dont really see whats wrong with what he said, no problem, no worries its just an off the cuff response I use it sometimes too.

Hey @Spectre8 Oh yeah, I totally agree. I say no worries, no problem all the time too. It's just in the context of the dynamic - he makes out like everything he does is a favour to me. I could give much better examples but they'd be very outing. Like when he went away for that one weekend that one time, he made out like he was doing me a huge favour by not being there but when I go away, he says 'no worries.' It's subtle but I know the guy pretty well. He also never writes thanks in texts, never ever ever yet is constantly bragging telling me about all the things he's done (essentially looking for thanks). I don't know why I'm going to these lengths to explain this but I guess what I mean is that writing 'that's no problem at all. No worries at all' in isolation is, of course, not the problem. I wrote in the OP what the full problem is.

@Hillrunning
That's a very good point about being less reactive and not looking for his validation. There's a job that needed doing and I did it. End of. I do all these chores all the time and never, ever point it out to him. He makes a huge song and dance about it if he as much as boils the kettle (wish that was an exaggeration but it aint!)

@BestestBrownies
In the nicest possible way OP, you need to take a good hard look at your behaviour and why you are interacting with this lazy weirdo the way you are

I know. I have a history of co-dependency and if there's a weirdo in the room, they'll gravitate to me. I've had therapy and read the books etc. but it just seems to bloody engrained.

As for his come-ons, I've decided I'm going to be even clearer about those. Sometimes his humour is crass and sexual, which I find disgusting. I've made it pretty clear by going 'UGH' when he makes those 'jokes' but next time, I'm going to say something more overt. I'm starting to feel really angry as I read your responses and maybe I need to feel a bit angry.

@Ponderingwindow
Thanks. I will. Fick me, I didn't think I'd be camped out in my room at my age but as a PP said, it could be better than being wound up by him

@TooHotToTangoToo
I know. He's so up in my business that it can be really hard to not engage. I think he thinks we're really close which is very sad for him in a way. There are times when I get on well with him and I think that's the problem. It's never long before he says something super annoying/inappropriate.

@StrawberryFurl
Thanks. Looking for accommodation was a nightmare and I don't use that word lightly. I lived in a mobile home with mice. Honestly, there is a very real housing crisis where I live and it is next to impossible to find half decent rented accommodation. There was a queue of about 50 people for one place I viewed. I'm no staying here out of choice. I have no other options. I always keep an eye out but there is very little there.

@OneFootintheRave
Thanks. I will. Much more time in my own space from now on, that's for sure. Unfortunately he does own the place and that is a problem!