Annoying housemate

[Forgiveitall]

I’d absolutely love some advice on this.

for financial reasons I’m living with a housemate and not alone. There is so much good about the situation and it took me a long time to find suitable accommodation. I was living in a hotel for a while and in a rented mobile home for a while after my marriage ended. Accommodation is very expensive and I don’t want to move out. Moving out is not the solution I’m looking for. Believe me, I’ve been through the mill with housing.

but …

my housemate is driving me around the twist! He was so many totally annoying traits. I don’t mind that I do almost all of the cleaning, it’s not that kind of stuff - I can tolerate that, it’s his personality. He’s the argumentative sort, which is the last thing I need after a long day massaging my boss’s ego in a hot kitchen (I’m a chef) & his other extra annoying trait is making a huge deal out of it any time he does anything nice or good for me or anyone else. It almost takes the good out of it that he goes on so much about how great he is for doing something! The third thing is he never ever leaves the house (just to buy food and that’s it!). He has no social or romantic life whatsoever.

so you might wonder what my question even is . Does anyone have any tricks or tips for dealing with this sort of person? I keep busy and I work long hours so I’m not there all that much but he’s my housemate so I still see him more than anyone else and it can be the tiniest annoying text from him that triggers me! Any time i’m there he’s there

tips? Help? Please?

It's odd you mention his no worries response as annoying but not explicitly that he makes crass and sexual jokes around you (unless I missed that) that's completely unacceptable and on that basis I'd either completely disengage and stay in my room (tired/busy/coming down with something) to break the cycle and block his number or yes move.

I think he's pushed your boundaries way too far previously and that's why you are overreacting to every little thing.

He sounds horrible.

Also just realised he owns the place (post Covid brain fog) that's a real power imbalance.

I think ultimately you will have to move.

@@stayathomegardener
mmm food for thought. Is it terrible that I’m just so desensitised to men referencing sex etc? I think that’s why I never thought to mention it. He has also explicitly asked me questions about my non-existent sex life which I shut down quickly. There’s something almost teenage about him. I don’t feel scared of him, just annoyed & frustrated.

I do plan on ultimately moving and always keep an eye half open but house hunting takes so much time and I seem to have terrible luck with it

And yes there’s a serious power imbalance which isn’t healthy. The day will come when I can move out but until then it’s

• use my gym membership
• go for walks after work at night
• hang out in my room watching telly or doing hobbies
• continue to make plans and meet friends a lot
• shit the texting down . Keep responses short & only to what’s necessary
• grey rock him when he tries to engage

it’s all a lot of work in what should be my home but necessary I guess!

I might add that I’ve tried hanging out in my room before & he asks me what I’ve been doing up there when I come down for tea. He said just after I moved in that if I was spending all my time in my room he’d probably ask me to move out. I looked at him shocked and he said ‘oh no, I wouldn’t actually ask you to move out.’

shut the texting down I meant

• ignore him
• make your room a cosy haven and spend most of your time there when he’s home or do all your ‘out of house stuff’ (gym, food shop) whenever he’s home. Not that you should have to.
• change the subject if you get stuck with him.
• Count the days until you- or he leave.

Ps. When I was in a similar situation, I used to spend so much time at the local Starbucks that I acquired a new little network of acquaintances and even some new students (one of my teaching areas was ESL).

aw thanks @NellesVilla you’re an angel! I like that hanging out in Starbucks worked out well for you.

I wish I could be more relaxed and Just live comfortably but I’m just going to repeat the sentence ‘this is not forever’ over and over in my mind when times get tough

Ok could you think laterally and consider a job that comes with accommodation?
You could really luck out with cooking/housekeeping.

@Forgiveitall

You've developed an unhealthy relationship with him. Your past experiences have shaped you into accepting this role in his life and he's drawn you in. You talk about him like he's your bf.

I know it's hard to find accommodation & no matter who they are, everyone's annoying sometimes, but you are now choosing to stay with him. You feel sorry for him/responsible for helping him & being his friend. You're NOT.

yes, you can set your room up so it's cosy & even put a kettle & mini fridge (£20) in there, but it's not what you really want is it??

you want a 'normal' flatmate to pass the time of day with that doesn't annoy the luving crap out of you or if you're going to be isolated in your room, a place to call your own!

ask on social media if anyone has a room or annexe they'd like to have a woman in her 30/40//50's renting out. Describe yourself a little & see what happens.

would you consider living in with an ekderky person who doesn't need care, just a little company occasionally & someone in the house at night, most nights & maybe who can do the shopping etc?

or a family that just needs another adult in the house sometimes.

there are all kinds of options out there, but sometimes you have to ask or think outside the box.

you don't have to live with this bloke as some kjnd of penance!!

I think everything that I wanted to say has been said already and more articulately.

But one of your sentences stood out don’t want to spend all my time in my room though as it’s unhealthy and I know I have to interact with him.

How is it more unhealthy to sit watching TV with him? My god that would drive me insane if I did that with my 2 lodgers!

I interact with my lodgers to hello and how was your day? But that's it! They're not my friends we just share a house.

I have a huge living room with no TV, I hang out in my bedroom. I love it, I'm like a teenager nearing my 60s.

I think this thread has really made you reflect on how you're living and def make changes. I mean why are you telling him you're away the weekend?

And before anyone plays mumsnet bingo and says I sound like hard work and a shit landlady. Both my lodgers have been with me for nearly 2 years.

Remember it's a business transaction. You're not friends and don't owe him a anything.

OP,

The unsubtle threat that he might ask you to leave if you don't socialise with him in the common space is a real red flag.

Be careful OP.

I think the suggestion of live in jobs is a good one.

Thanks @BlueWhat I think that's the problem. He acts like we're friends and I have been very friendly. At the beginning I thought we'd be friends but now, I'm pretty sure that when I move out, we won't stay in touch! I feel sorry for him and if I'm completely honest, I think a part of me has been afraid that if I don't give him some of the companionship he wants (he's lonely) that he'll kick me out because of what he said after I moved in and well, he owns the house and has all the power.

You sound like a great landlady. What most people are looking for is space. I think I'd find him much more tolerable if he wasn't here ALL THE TIME. I've lived with so many people over the years and I think the hardest ones are by far the ones that don't allow for some space.

This thread is helping - I really appreciate the posts as they are very helpful in allowing me to reflect. I've been wanting my own place for so long and it's been one hurdle after another. I thought I struck gold when this place finally came up but they do say if something seems too good to be true it probably is.

I own my part in all of this. I have to work hard on my boundaries. My boundaries have been an issue for a long time and I've made great strides. In the past, I would have gone out for drinks, dinner etc with him thinking it was all friendly. He has asked me to do all kinds of things with him and I've said no every time. In the past, I would've felt like I had to say yes to all of those things.

Aw thanks so much @stayathomegardener What a lovely suggestion. But Even though my boss can be nuts, I'm really happy with my job. My colleagues are a hoot and I'm working somewhere I never thought I'd get a job and it's very much in line with where I'm hoping to get to career wise.

Thanks @WinterMusings Good suggestions. I did register with one of those agencies for living with elderly people while I was looking for accommodation. I have looked extensively at all kinds of options. I'm not sure people realise just how much of a housing/rental crisis we are in the middle of.

I don't think of him as a bf at all but that's a bit worrying if it seems like I'm talking about him that way. I'm really going to work on my distancing. Yeah, you're right - I don't want to be stuck in my bedroom - I do have a social life and lots of friends but they're all settled with kids. I'm going to try to put some time into hobbies etc. with what work will allow anyhow.

I'm seeing that our dynamic is a little dysfunctional .. but lots of people do end up friends with their housemates. there's nothing wrong with being friends but I often get the impression he'd be more than happy with more and well, a friend wouldn't annoy me this much I hope!

Thanks @billy1966 It's true. I was almost afraid to mention he had said that as deep down I knew it was wrong - a familiar feeling to me - and yeah .. a red flag 😯

I think I would have straight up replied 'umm...I wasn't asking for permission but OK xD'.

But tbh op having now also read what you wrote about him having asked you out about you saying no. I'm really really not sure that you are safe.

Please tell me your door has a lock... and also, that your bathroom is used by you only. I'd still have a quick scan for hidden cameras just incase (you can Google how to get them to show up) He seems the sort.

Stay safe!
Good luck with your flat hunt. Ps: don't tell him until you're actually out. Get a place ams slowly move things bit by bit and then text him once you are gone. Don't worry about the 1 month notice. It's not enforceable. Worst thing he could fo us keep your deposit. And trust me, you don't want to stay there any longer after you've told him you are leaving. Those sort go nuts when they think their possession of you is slipping.

Thanks @Pinkbonbon i logged on to say I thought I had given out about him too much. Yes to the lock and I have an en suite too . That’s freaky about the cameras . I’ll have a check but very much hoping that that isn’t the case!

Thanks to you all for letting me give out about him and offering up such good advice . I’m working harder on my boundaries from now on.

Glad to read you have locks etc.

Good advice from @Pinkbonbon.

Be careful and just be busy.

Non committal answers should help.

Model absolute no interest in any discussion with him about anything.

Just vague answers.

Let work being very busy your excuse and wanting to get fit but not too much explanation.

Thanks @billy1966 Vague is good … I’ll try that! I guess I need to own my part in our dynamic.

Also, I don’t feel unsafe around him. He’s quite a moral sort and seems to know right and wrong

Model absolute no interest in any discussion with him about anything

this is the hardest bit for me! I have a lifetime of people pleasing behind me - hard to undo but I’ll try.

Think of it as a muscle that you want to use.

As you enter a room he is in, keep reminding yourself to keep conversation light and vague.

Don't express views.
Practice this and keep reminding yourself to do it.

You will get there.

He sounds like he might (might!) be on the autism spectrum. I think you might literally need to tell him how you’d like to go about things as he may not be able to read hints. Assuming you’re his friend, wanting things certain ways, coming across as a little off, precocious or rude, being reclusive and very matter of fact?