I am wrecked with guilt after a life of awful things that I can’t stop thinking about

[guotls]

I’m 40 next week and I have made such a mess of life. I grew up desperate for love after a childhood of emotional neglect. I was desperate for love despite so much material affection from my parents. Things are better with them these days but that pain is still underneath. But none of this is an excuse for the person I am.

In my twenties I had two affairs and have sleepless nights about it now and what I did to those women (my fault). I slept with my best friend’s ex and she understandably has never spoken to me since and is celebrating their 40ths with my uni ex friends without me (my fault), when I finally met someone who said he couldn’t wait to have kids with me I thought I’ve finally met the person, i will have the family and I am safe… I missed a pill literally the next day and he did ask once if I had but I never told him. The relationship didn’t last of course because he was emotionally unavailable as all the ones prior had been and now I have a five year old asking why here their dad is (my fault), I didnt speak to my sister much over the years as she was treated so differently by my parents that I was jealous I think, she has a lovely life and I found it hard to be around her even though she has tried with me a lot, so I’ve missed that relationship with her (my fault).

I’ve done smaller shitty things over the years too. Not turning up or cancelling on friends last minute if I felt I couldn’t face it. Standing up men last minute. Taking a different job the day before being due to start another one. The list goes on. I’m a shit person and even though I had therapy and still do, it’s like it couldn’t keep up with how I was.

I’m 40 very soon and I just sit here thinking fuck what have I done with my life. I don’t think I’ve done anything good at all. And after all this I’m alone anyway, which is the one thing I had tried not to be my whole life. I could have skipped all the misery of the search and accepted it long ago and not inflicted so much misery on so many people, my poor child included.

I don’t deserve sympathy, I know that. But I would love to be better. I don’t think I know how? So many bridges burned so many mistakes that I genuinely feel anxious and worried everyday because of everything I did in the past.

*wracked with guilt. Don’t know how to change the the title.

And it’s not like I’m 25 or even 30. I’m nearly 40. How have I made such a mess. I live in deep anxiety and stress for the things I did and things I said to people when I felt pushed out. I could be so so awful

Honestly, it doesn't sound like that much of a mess to someone on the outside. So you were foolish in your twenties. Many people were. You need to forgive yourself for those things, and move on.

Sleeping with your best friends ex wasn't great but it sounds like you were in a bad place and these things happen. It's not ideal, it was a bad thing to do. But it sounds like you've suffered for it enough.

You had a child with an unsuitable man. So many women do. You have your child now. You can move forward - you have to - for her.

You need to forgive yourself for these things. You are a human being who has made mistakes. We ALL are human beings who have made mistakes.

Write a letter to all the people you have hurt. You don't even need to send the letters. Just write them all, get it all out, and then burn them and officially let it go.

Can you afford counselling? Because it sounds like you need some. Talk this through with someone who can help you make positive steps to move forward. Writing in a journal can really help too, to get your feelings all out on paper.

Get back in contact with your sister, apologise, be honest with her, and ask if she'd be willing to build your relationship up again. She will probably be thrilled to hear from you.

Stop cancelling on people. Promise yourself you'll say 'yes' to things you're invited to do by friends and family. It sounds like you're feeling depressed and desperate, I know how easy it is to cancel when you feel like this. So don't cancel. You'll feel better for it!

Try to get some hobbies for yourself and your daughter. Get yourself in a place where your life is happy and busy and you have things you're passionate about! Don't even consider or think about men or relationships until you can honestly say to yourself "I'm happy just as I am."

You're still young. You aren't a bad person. We all make mistakes. It's not too late to turn it around. I wish you all the best!

You've made some poor choices but you have the self awareness to recognise them and so can learn from them and move on. You can't have an affair with someone who isn't willing to cheat on their wife so at least 50% of the blame lies with those men - do you think they hate themselves and never move on? You've learnt your lesson so beating yourself up forever more isn't helping anyone.

It seems that a lot of the problems are caused by you appearing to be flaky and not turning up to things. Do you think this is down to anxiety? Maybe you just need to be more honest (with yourself and others) as to what you want and what you can and can't cope with. Could you start with your sister and just be open and honest with her about how you felt and why things have been how they have? Maybe it's not too late to start building a relationship.

@livinchina @ liv sorry I don’t know if I’ve tagged correctly. Thank you for being so supportive. I just don’t think these things are forgivable. She was my absolute best friend and I did that to her and even now I rightly pay for the consequences. And as for my ex, I did something awful focusing only on one word he said about the future. I was selfish and desperate and I watch my poor child deal with the consequences.

I know 40 isn’t old but it’s a lot of life wasted with burned bridges I will never get back. It’s almost like starting over but when everyone around you has these strong ties that they never messed up. I think about how shit I was more and more. 40… and all I’ve done is made a mess in the world. Can I really start over so late on?

Honestly the fact that you are wracking by guilt for these actually quite minor things - which sound pretty much the same, or actually less bad, than what the average human does - shows that you're a good person with a strong conscience. We've all hurt people and acted wrong cos humans are imperfect. Having emotionally distant parents is incredibly damaging forgive yourself not being perfect.

Concentrate on you now : accepting yourself as you are, finding contentment, making new and meaningful connections. Decide who you want to be- and become that . Maybe you can start shedding the guilt by heartfelt letters to people you felt you have wronged?

Sending a hug OP this does not sound easy but I do not think you should be giving yourself such a hard time at all and deserve to be happy, just like everyone does.

Of course you deserve sympathy. And your child is surely a good thing in your life, even if it also leads to some hard questions about her father.

All you can do is forgive yourself and learn from the past, then move forwards with purpose. The advice given by @livinchina is all good, positive ways to reconcile with your past and move on. Make the decision to live differently, as much as you can, and take the things you don't want to do/be like any more and change them. Guilt as an emotion is there to drive change, it becomes unhealthy when it's used to dwell and punish yourself rather than to learn and grow.

I understand your feeling as I have made some stupid choices myself motivated by a hunger for love and appreciation from others and not thinking enough about the long term consequences of my decisions.
The two things that help me is trying to love myself more and being forgiving to my younger self. The second is believing that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be in my life. This may sound very silly but I trough out the years I have seen so many signals, good and bad luck and seemingly unexplainable coincidences that I really believe that God/ the universe/ whatever higher power there is has my back and I’m on the right path to where I should be even though sometimes it doesn’t feel like it.

@HappyMackerel the thing is though maybe the one or two times I cancelled last minute aren’t so bad but god, essentially missing a pill (however hopeful and desperate i was) was an awful thing. And sleeping with my best friend’s ex days after their break up, I don’t know anyone who has done these things. They are fundamentally horrible. And not having a relationship with my sister, none of it was her fault and I send cards and so on for occasions but I haven’t been a good sister.

I don’t think I’ve been a nice person at all and my poor child in particular will ask me more direct questions one day and they too will realise what a shit mum they have.

I only have myself to blame for this and I feel like if one or two of these things had happened maybe I could handle it and work through it but honestly everyday I feel underlying anxiety and as if I deserve my whole world to cave in because I have such truly awful secrets.

You need to stop looking backwards and start living your life. You are only 40. Do you want to spend the next 40 years in misery or start building up a network of friends and building a life for yourself? Keep up with the therapy, you need to accept that any regrets you have (the guilt is essentially regret) are done and you can't change them. In all likelihood you won't get back those lost relationships but you can learn from your mistakes and build new ones and not make the same mistakes again.

@LaBellina thank you. I am quite sure your actions haven’t impacted other people in the way mine have though. I honestly don’t know anyone who has done anything on my list except one woman who had an affair knew it was wrong and ended it after a few weeks. Mine went on for months in comparison.

I wish I believed in god and I’ve even been to churches recently to pray etc and on the way out of one of them the bible was open by the door on a page about temptation and paying for sins. I feel like I will never have relief from this whether there is a god or not. I’d literally do anything to have a fresh start without these thoughts everyday.

@WonderingWanda how though? At 40? I saw my friends on Facebook (not the one whose partner I slept with but others) all talking about their 40th group celebration and I’m not in that because I am awful. I did that nobody else. I can’t have fresh uni friends, that’s happened and I messed it up. It all feels so overwhelming. I feel like at best I will have scraps of good but always tied to a background of utter destruction of my own making.

Also @HappyMackerel and @RoseslnTheHospital I read a thread earlier about accidental pregnancy and ivf or something and the replies were so brutal. And yet I did that, I am one of those awful women. I am such a terrible woman and have these secrets that I wish I didn’t have.

Oh lovely, you wouldn't care so much if you weren't a good person at heart. Now get yourself a self compassion work book and start learning to love yourself, after all you want that little one of yours to love themselves in the future.
You might also want to look into co-dependents anonymous, some resources and groups through them which might help you work on forgiving yourself.

No idea if you have been a horrible person in the past, only you know that. But I definitely know you can be an excellent person from now on. Start today, from where you are. What can you do first? Maybe start with your sister. Seriously, you can't change anything that has gone before, but from this very minute you can start behaving in a way that makes you proud.

Oh dear I’ve done some shit too, trust me.
Remember it takes two for an affair and although being the other woman certainly isn’t a nice thing to do, the worst person in all of this is the man who is cheating on his wife. If it wasn’t you, it likely would be someone else. And look back at yourself at that time, were you motivated by a desire to be loved, perhaps, and being young and inexperienced you thought you would get that from these men? When I was 20 I thought I knew everything, now at also nearly 40 I look back and laugh at my own foolishness and arrogance back then and it helps me to realize that some mistakes I made were due to immaturity. As my best friend would say ‘but you haven’t killed anybody’. There are so many people with issues on this world because lots of people (unintentionally) hurt others. You realized your mistakes and you have grown. Many never reach that point. As for trying to find more spirituality and peace in your life, you don’t have to join a church, sometimes it helps to go in, burn a candle and sit there alone for a bit with your thoughts. But you need to consciously make the decision to forgive yourself.

You need to make new friends. What are your interests and hobbies? Do you go to clubs or volunteer? I'm not going to lie, it can take years to make close friends and you will accumulate a lot of not so close aquaintences before you get close to a few really good friends. By your 50th birthday your life could look so different.

When trying to make friends the key is to show interest in them, ask them questions, remember things about them, be thoughtful, be confident, invite people along to things. Ask people if they fancy meeting one a coffee, going for a walk, going to a concert / play / cinema etc.

I don't know much but I do know with 100% certainty that you beating yourself up is jeopardising your future and that of your child's. You have to find a way to forgive yourself and let it go and give yourself a new start. It doesn't matter what it is maybe write a letter to those people you hurt? Treat yourself how you now want to treat others. I don't believe someone who would write this message would act in spite which leads me to the conclusion you've tried your best. Yes not perfect, but trying your best and that is all anyone can do.

No, you’re not a bad person OP. If you were, you wouldn’t feel such guilt. Truly awful people never think about the pain they inflict, or don’t care, or even take pleasure in it.

Most of us are ups in one way or another. I certainly am. To be human is to be a ed up mess (generally). If you want to work off your karma, it isn’t difficult. Just try and be kinder.

The first 20 years spent growing up
20-30 finding way on the world with work
30-40 more career focussed

ypu have maybe 40 or more years to live. are you going to spend another moment complaining about how you’ve been or are you going to start living as you want to live? Your choice

Oh my darling. You did the best you could at the time. Don't underestimate the childhood abuse and it's impact. You are not to blame. The men who were married are to blame, not you -you were looking for unavailable love. Men need to take responsibility for pregnancy not just the women. And yes, it is your daughter's father's fault if he is not involved. Be kinder and that starts with yourself.
Write genuine heart felt letters to those you hurt -don't excuse it face it (you can google these). Counselling and building your self esteem is the best first step.

Do good for others. Start with you though -you are worthy and worth love, respect and kindness.

I once read somewhere that guilt is a wasted emotion.
20 years is way too long to feel guilty for the wrongs you think you committed ( and remember it takes two to tango, you didn’t force any man to have an affair with you)
Write down everything you think you’ve done wrong in your life —- then burn the list. If you want to go further ask for no birthday presents for donations to yoyr favourite charity. Then you’ve definitely done enough. Let it go.

💐x

When I was 21, I slept with my best friend's ex. She thought I was a twat but forgave me for it. We haven't spoken for 20+ years though for other reasons.

I've never given it another thought, tbh.

I've done many of the things over the years that you have but I just decided not to do them anymore and make better choices for .yself. You can too.

Anything you have done involving another man, well they have done it too. Do you think they are wracked with guilt over it?

I read so many threads here though about being the other woman and people are understandably really cutting about it. Same with what I did about our child… sooo many threads about women desperate for kids and nobody says it’s ok to do what happened here. And sleeping with your friend’s ex is just awful too.

I think it’s more the multitude of things I’ve done, good people don’t do those things. They just don’t. Good people have simple and honest lives and i don’t have that because mine is full of secrecy and shame. I’m forever waiting for the next awful thing to happen because frankly I deserve it. I don’t deserve my ex to be with me, not really, and I shouldn’t even expect him to be around for DC, why should he, even if he doesn’t know what happened I’m sure he may suspect.

I will spend my 40rh like I did my 30rh which is largely alone. I just wish so much I could start over but I’ve done permanent damage with my child and uni friends and my sister, all of which can’t be undone. I can’t move on from that even if I try and do better. It feels like the best I can do is manage because I don’t deserve to feel happy, I know that. The nastinsss and misery of who I am has seeped into everything as I have reminders of it all the time, not least with DC.