I am wrecked with guilt after a life of awful things that I can’t stop thinking about

[guotls]

I’m 40 next week and I have made such a mess of life. I grew up desperate for love after a childhood of emotional neglect. I was desperate for love despite so much material affection from my parents. Things are better with them these days but that pain is still underneath. But none of this is an excuse for the person I am.

In my twenties I had two affairs and have sleepless nights about it now and what I did to those women (my fault). I slept with my best friend’s ex and she understandably has never spoken to me since and is celebrating their 40ths with my uni ex friends without me (my fault), when I finally met someone who said he couldn’t wait to have kids with me I thought I’ve finally met the person, i will have the family and I am safe… I missed a pill literally the next day and he did ask once if I had but I never told him. The relationship didn’t last of course because he was emotionally unavailable as all the ones prior had been and now I have a five year old asking why here their dad is (my fault), I didnt speak to my sister much over the years as she was treated so differently by my parents that I was jealous I think, she has a lovely life and I found it hard to be around her even though she has tried with me a lot, so I’ve missed that relationship with her (my fault).

I’ve done smaller shitty things over the years too. Not turning up or cancelling on friends last minute if I felt I couldn’t face it. Standing up men last minute. Taking a different job the day before being due to start another one. The list goes on. I’m a shit person and even though I had therapy and still do, it’s like it couldn’t keep up with how I was.

I’m 40 very soon and I just sit here thinking fuck what have I done with my life. I don’t think I’ve done anything good at all. And after all this I’m alone anyway, which is the one thing I had tried not to be my whole life. I could have skipped all the misery of the search and accepted it long ago and not inflicted so much misery on so many people, my poor child included.

I don’t deserve sympathy, I know that. But I would love to be better. I don’t think I know how? So many bridges burned so many mistakes that I genuinely feel anxious and worried everyday because of everything I did in the past.

Be the person you want to be from now on.
The past cannot be changed so all you can do is treat the people in your life now well.
Be kind, loyal, generous and caring towards them, be the person you should have been back then NOW.
You are only 40 and have many years ahead of you.
You will be ok OP x

Everything you feel about yourself is a product of your upbringing. I was also emotionally neglected and made to feel like to blame for everything that went wrong so now I feel to blame for my life going wrong (single and unsuccessfully TTCed and haven't created the happy family I always wanted).

Rationally none of this is your fault or my fault. It's the drip of poison into us as children that makes us feel worthless.

No solutions other than try to be more realistic about where you place blame. Most of your 'my faults' are partly circumstances and partly other people's actions too. Blaming yourself for everything is not the same as taking healthy responsibility. It's a maladaptive coping strategy born out of your neglect.

What's done is done.

You can't change the past.

You do have control over your future, however.

You will always meet some people who would judge you for your past actions, but we all would. MN is as good as place as any to demonstrate that people think very differently from each other. However, you've managed to create a thread filled with compassionate replies and that should tell you something.

You are not responsible for your child growing up without a father. Yes, you made a selfish choice and plenty would condemn you for it. But I guarantee you do know others who've done the same, they're just not brave enough to admit it.

I know someone who did the same.

The only person responsible for your ex's relationship with his child is him. No contraceptive is 100% infallible, so whenever a man chooses to have sex with a woman he, like the woman, is accepting there is some risk of pregnancy.

Assuming he knows about his daughter, it's been his choice to disown her. Very easy for him to blame you, but some men are excellent at deflecting responsibility.

If he doesn't know about her, then you still have time to make it right. Reach out to him and offer the opportunity.

As for friends. Plenty of people reach 40 without close friends, there are any number of reasons why people drift from uni and school friends. You have the rest of your life to make true, worthy friends.

You can still build a relationship with your sister. The key to is being honest and also being open about times when you may find it overwhelming to keep in active contact. If she's precious to you, though, tell her. She wants to hear it.

So do three things: Please do have therapy and learn to forgive yourself.

Reach out to your sister and your ex.

And promise me you won't accept bad treatment in friendships or romantic relationships out of some misguided belief thar you deserve it.

Your future is yours to create, let go of the past and start being excited for all the wonderful things waiting for you.

Thank you for the really really really
helpful posts. I’ve screenshot some of them
to look at when I’m slipping into a dark place. @TheHideAndSeekingHill @RoseslnTheHospital @1Ta1T @LaBellina @CleopatrasBeautifulNose @DelphiniumBlue @Richenda @bloomety @Invisiblegiraffe @IdisagreeMrHochhauser

i think one thing I didn’t mention in my OP was how really horrible I could be when I felt abandoned. Obviously the type of men I went for were largely unavailable emotionally and I can see that clearly now but honestly, I was vile. I called names (swearing), shouted, I think once I actually smashed a mug or something in the kitchen with one ex, I could be stubborn and nasty and with my latest ex (DC’s dad) I have a vague memory of saying I wished he was dead… I don’t know for sure I said it but im
pretty sure I did. I was AWFUL in a row. So defensive. Would you still see your Dc if their mum had called you a bastard and said they wished you were dead…? Maybe not, maybe his distance is a lot more about me than him.

i remember feeling so lost and alone and it made me incredibly defensive and all of this nastiness would pour out that I’ve never experienced with a friend.

I recently had severe anxiety and a lot of that was rumination and regrets and shame about past events. Thankfully I am now on medication and the thoughts barely happen. Perhaps you are depressed and medication would fix things - id definitely recommend that.
I've read many self help books btw and was a regular meditator / mindfulness person but I needed medication to fix me.

@Onlyhereforthebatshitneighbours thank you for the lovely post. I was so scared to post but I couldn’t handle the feelings anymore and just wanted to get them out there. Ex does know about his child yes, I asked (begged) him to see them when they were born, he didn’t want to. I forgot to say in my OP that I was unkind to him verbally, he was emotionally unavailable and it really affected me, I called him names swearing and shouting and said I wished he was dead once (I think). So with that in mind perhaps he just feels I’m so abhorrent that it’s not worth having to be reminded of all
that in order to see his DC. It was pretty horrible of me and something I can’t imagine I would ever have said to a friend. Urgh I have done so much wrong.

@SaintHelena i have been offered medication, antidepressants. May I ask what worked for you? My days are clouded with these thoughts at the moment.

Will private message you

Nothing that you said to your ex is sufficient to cause him to want to not see your DD. Honestly what you said is par for the course for a heated argument during a relationship break up. You're catastrophizing. Nothing anyone could say to me would stop me from seeing my own children. He's taken the easy way out for whatever his own personal reasons are, that mean he can't put the needs of an innocent child ahead of his own.

It's really not uncommon for children to grow up with absent fathers. It's something your DD will gradually understand and deal with. But you've got to stop pushing yourself into this cycle of guilt/shame and start stepping forwards.

@RoseslnTheHospital do you really think so? I think I would be so gutted and hurt and upset if someone spoke to me like that but I doubt I wouldn’t ever see my dc because of it, that’s true.

I have ordered a self help book today on the back of all these posts, just anything to try and be a bit more positive instead of spiralling further into self hatred. Thank you.

I agree, I would be hurt potentially by comments like that, but it would mean nothing to me when it came to being with my children. I would be able to separate that into the two different relationships, one with my ex and one with my child(ren).

Getting some books and having a read seems like a great start. You might find some books don't click with you, or some parts do and other don't. Take what's useful for you and see if it helps. Try and be kind to yourself - try to talk to yourself like you would if you were being kind to a lost, sad child. As bonkers as that sounds!

If it helps, I feel very similarly OP.

I'm a similar age and push people away a lot. I struggle to open up and so find it easier to let relationships slide. I'm not horrible to people, but I guess I have quite a big barrier.

I have a degree and built a good career, only to kind of give it up once having children. I'm slowly trying to build it back up but I feel quite foolish when I consider what could have been, with what is.

I massively over thinking things. I am also prone to blaming myself over others; do you relate to this?

Most days I think about something I regret. I rarely think about what I've achieved. Your post has helped me see that I need to change that.

We aren't bad people. And as others have said, our faults are actually very small in the scheme of it. We are probably just very sensitive people.

I will be having a good think about how I can change the things I'm not happy with in my life. Perhaps you can do the same. We still have decades and decades left. And actually, having just 6 months of positivity will likely make you feel so much better.

@RoseslnTheHospital maybe they were the words that meant he chose never to see dc though… and that’s enabled him to detach? Though you’d think it would have played on his mind a bit knowing he has a child (his only child) out there, wouldnt you? I think out of everything it all came to a head with this situation and perhaps in a strange way it’s made me try and face things and do better.

I found this conversation incredibly helpful recently
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000jvxz?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

you sound normal. Weve all done shitty things. You are not the mistakes you have made.

This whole series has things which may strike a chord with you
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/w13xtvgq?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

Words alone don't have that power. It was already something about his own personality and capacity that meant he has decided not to see his child. Essentially it's his failing regardless of the circumstance.

If you would like some perspective via dark entertainment... You could listen to this all about people who have done far worse with less reason... 😉
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/p08lj2sz?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

Forgive yourself and make better choices. What exactly can you change by continuing to torture yourself? I think you've suffered enough now and we all make piss poor choices in life, we have to learn from it and go forward. What can you learn when you're always looking back?

You have to think about your lovely young child and the person you want THEM to see. You're shaping an actual human being, use your past mistakes to help them become the best person you could ever hope for.

For what it's worth, a bad person wouldn't be displaying this level of remorse for things done 20 years ago.

Be kind to yourself.

I find it really sad you’re so hard on yourself.

I am 41 and had a terrible childhood and it’s led to me doing some terrible things as a young adult. (Had an affair with a married man aged 19 when he was 32 and his wife was pregnant with their 3rd child- I was the barmaid at the pub whilst doing my A levels and actually used to know her and smile at her / chat etc when she came in and then she’d go home for the evening and I’d spend the night with her husband. Truly awful. Went on for nearly a year until I ended it. They stayed together for 15 years after that I think). I’ve also treated a lot of people really badly. All kinds of things. I think I just stopped caring about anyone as no one had ever cared about me …?! Maybe I don’t know.

But I’m not going to beat myself up over it. Life is too short. I just live the best life I can now and try not to look back. I have two children who need me and I’m determined to be the best mum I can for them. I have been married to my dh for nearly 15 years now. We have a good life. I won’t be judged by my past. We all have one.

We only have one life and you have to learn to let go of these things. You can be a new person.

With kindness OP you need to cool off the drama. All the ‘oh I’m so absolutely ghastly’ stuff it’s what teenagers do in the come down from a massive row. It’s also a great excuse to wallow in guilt (a pointless emotion) rather than get of your arse and change the bits of your life that need changing.

You done a few arsehole type things, as many have, especially when young. You took a gamble that didn’t come off, as many do. There is nothing you are describing that is exceptional or worth of a hair shirt: you are not special (sorry to break that to ya.)

Giving up the idea you are especially awful will be hard because it involves looking at the real you and what you really want and that is all a lot harder than what you are currently doing.

If you want a good future you have to give up all hope of a better past. So find a therapist who actually challenges you and work on that. Make amends where you can. Make new friends where you need to. Let the stuff go that you can’t fix.

And please stop using your son as an excuse. Plenty of kids only have one parent, he’ll be oK. He will be less likely to be OK if he doesn’t have a mother who take cares of herself and values herself.

Crack on and sort it out. You will need support cos you are way locked into patterns so get hold of that.

I forgot to say in my OP that I was unkind to him verbally, he was emotionally unavailable and it really affected me, I called him names swearing and shouting and said I wished he was dead once (I think)

Well that sounds like a trauma response to me. Horrible for you as well as him, I imagine?

I've done similar myself, many times. Yes, I regret them, but I also recognise them as emotionally dysregulated responses to trauma-triggers. So, I try to remember my past self with compassion.

These days, I'm much more self-aware and I'm able to deal with most things much better. On occasions when I am still triggered like that - when someone's behaviour or words hit something deep inside me and the painful reaction feels too much - I walk away before I say too much. I apologise afterwards, and I spend a couple of days (or however long I need) giving myself some Tender Loving Care until I feel less fragile and more secure.

So with that in mind perhaps he just feels I’m so abhorrent that it’s not worth having to be reminded of all
that in order to see his DC

If you are right, then he doesn't deserve a relationship with his children. But I agree with others, nothing you could have said excuses him from his paternal responsibility.

I think you need to do some work on yourself, with the help of a good therapist if you can, to forgive yourself and ensure you know your self worth, then I think you should try to elicit some contact between your ex and his child.

Can you please tell me, @guotls , three good things about yourself?

@Afterfire thanks for sharing that. It’s almost exactly what I did, I can’t believe I did it now but I remember smiling and chatting and then did that afterwards. I was so broken and it damaged me further. I think you’re right it comes from feeling like you don’t matter, I know I certainly felt that at the time.

@Luredbyapomegranate i know that’s so true, I do cling to the dc situation in particular and channel obsession into it. I think I often remember the names I called him and saying I wished he was dead, so so awful, what a terrible way to talk to someone. I often wonder if that led him to never meet dc at all, maybe he was too hurt. I guess it’s natural for me to think of why he wouldn’t meet them ever, because it’s quite unusual.

I think when you’ve had childhood trauma it’s very easy to compartmentalise yourself - I know I can and do do that even now. It’s very similar to the disassociation that’s associated with sexual abuse (even though my childhood didn’t have sexual abuse, just everything else!)

I think these sorts of things are FAR more common than people think, people just don’t talk about it. If you met me in real life you’d never dream I would ever behave like that. My dh knows about my past but I never tell anyone else.