I am wrecked with guilt after a life of awful things that I can’t stop thinking about

[guotls]

I’m 40 next week and I have made such a mess of life. I grew up desperate for love after a childhood of emotional neglect. I was desperate for love despite so much material affection from my parents. Things are better with them these days but that pain is still underneath. But none of this is an excuse for the person I am.

In my twenties I had two affairs and have sleepless nights about it now and what I did to those women (my fault). I slept with my best friend’s ex and she understandably has never spoken to me since and is celebrating their 40ths with my uni ex friends without me (my fault), when I finally met someone who said he couldn’t wait to have kids with me I thought I’ve finally met the person, i will have the family and I am safe… I missed a pill literally the next day and he did ask once if I had but I never told him. The relationship didn’t last of course because he was emotionally unavailable as all the ones prior had been and now I have a five year old asking why here their dad is (my fault), I didnt speak to my sister much over the years as she was treated so differently by my parents that I was jealous I think, she has a lovely life and I found it hard to be around her even though she has tried with me a lot, so I’ve missed that relationship with her (my fault).

I’ve done smaller shitty things over the years too. Not turning up or cancelling on friends last minute if I felt I couldn’t face it. Standing up men last minute. Taking a different job the day before being due to start another one. The list goes on. I’m a shit person and even though I had therapy and still do, it’s like it couldn’t keep up with how I was.

I’m 40 very soon and I just sit here thinking fuck what have I done with my life. I don’t think I’ve done anything good at all. And after all this I’m alone anyway, which is the one thing I had tried not to be my whole life. I could have skipped all the misery of the search and accepted it long ago and not inflicted so much misery on so many people, my poor child included.

I don’t deserve sympathy, I know that. But I would love to be better. I don’t think I know how? So many bridges burned so many mistakes that I genuinely feel anxious and worried everyday because of everything I did in the past.

@GreyCarpet he didn’t jump on one sentence I made about a family and made it happen without me knowing though did he? That’s just a fact I have to accept. And you having slept with a friend’s partner is one of the multitude of things I’ve done. One mistake is a mistake, many mistakes is the mark of a bad person. I honestly hate myself, why wasn’t I better.

Y@Xpologog I like the idea of charity for birthdays that’s really nice. I think I will suggest this (from the few friends I’ve managed not to lose..)

People are not "good" or "bad", that's massively over simplifying humanity. People make decisions, some are bad, some are good, lots are neutral. You say that you can't make things better, but you seem determined to make them worse for you and your child by continually punishing yourself and isolating you and your child from other people. Also, your child will pick up on your sense of guilt/shame and it may well be damaging for her. It is better for both of you to realise that holding onto guilt in order to punish yourself is not healthy, and you need to work on letting your past go. You made mistakes, we all do, to varying degrees. Plenty of people have made mistakes that were massively worse than yours - you haven't killed anyone whilst drunk driving, for instance, nor given someone a lifelong disability in a bar fight. You haven't defrauded a small company out of thousands of pounds, nor slept around whilst knowing you had a serious STD for example. So many things that you haven't done!

No one needs university friends, people who didn't go to uni obviously don't have them. Concentrate on the fact that you can make new friends now, and be a better friend than in the past. That's good for your daughter to see, modelling healthy friendships.

Everyone does shitty things. You're feeling bad about it and it's taking over your life. Think about what good things you can do. Have you thought about volunteering? Donating money to charity? Donating to the local foodbank? If you can do some good in the world, it might make you feel better as you'll see that you're not a bad person and that you've made a difference.

I enjoy my 3 hour volunteer shift each week, it makes me feel proud of myself and as though I'm making a difference.

I know it's a cliche, but tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life! Start looking forwards instead of backwards all the time. We have all done bad things (I certainly have) in the past, but you need to move on with your life and look to the future with hope.

Yes you were self centered, but that does not define your future. I read a great book years ago about a person that was a taker. Always looking out for himself even if that meant someone else suffered. Due to an unrelated issue and some soul searching he set about changing. He positively set about changing. He looked at ways to help other people every day. He said that one of the totally unexpected reactions to helping people was that people started to help him.
It completely turned his life around.

Going to be honest, OP- I think what you're experiencing is trauma and shame as a result of your childhood of emotional neglect, which is manifesting as guilt. Nothing you've described is that bad really- your self-blame (especially re your child) is excessive and out of proportion with what you've done.

I'd recommend the book You're Not Broken by Dr Sarah Woodhouse and maybe some sessions with a psychologist or psychotherapist.

@Richenda you say ‘especially re your child’ but reading threads on here alone, without even asking friends (I’d be too ashamed), 99% of people would say gosh how awful how do you live with yourself etc and they’d be right.

I do carry a lot of pain from the past but it’s not an excuse I am a forty year old woman very soon. I am embarrassed of who I am, truly. I hate who I became over the years and the extents to which I went to to find love… which obviously has evaded me because of my poor decisions.

I want to be better I want to feel I have been a decent person before I die but when I look back I haven’t done any good. I don’t deserve to be here and the anxiety gets worse and worse, as I get older I realise what an awful mess I have made across so many areas of my life. Do you think more therapy would help? I just don’t know. Some things I don’t think can be forgiven.

@DrMorbius i will try that. I don’t suppose you remember the name of the book? I will try anything.

"Why weren't you better" is an interesting question to ask. I can only answer for myself but when I have did things that I felt shameful or guilt over is usually because I was emotionally broken through anger, fear or frustration, I didn't understand the fullness of what I was doing or because I was so desperate to meet a core need that everything else faded into the background. There are times when I was "better", I put myself last and did what everyone around me expected me to, it led to less shame and guilt but exacerbated my depression. The only answer is to meet your own needs so that you aren't vulnerable to situations that you don't want to be in, and that takes work and commitment but it really, really worth it. And for what it's worth I don't think you sound like a terrible person.

@RoseslnTheHospital i agree those things aren’t good but as a one off they can be forgiven, I think. Also what I did regarding wanting a family was just insane and i lied to myself about what he said as a passing comment, thinking only about my own desperation for it all to work. It was awful. And that alongside all the other things just shows a pattern of how I go around destroying things. Maybe moving abroad is best or going somewhere nobody knows me. I don’t know how else to escape the awful things I’ve done and as I approach 40 it’s hit me in waves every day.

@User67564454 i had dc without being open about it. I slept with other women’s husbands. How can I not be a terrible person? I wish there was a simple way to make up for it all as I would do it this second. I really would. But the truth is I did far too much and was far too vile to be able to recover myself. I have been so hateful.

You need therapy. Counselling is good, but ruminating thoughts like this about what a bad person you are isn't normal and you can get help.

I've been where you are. St John's Wort and counselling has really helped. I found sertraline and citalopram previously helped me when I was very unwell, but I actually do better on SJW for long term benefits.

You are being far too hard on yourself. Yes, you've done some things you shouldn't have, same as everybody else, but the level of guilt you're displaying here is pathological and not a rational response to the (fairly ordinary) failings you've described. As for the people you imagine saying "gosh how awful"- they will all have things in life they're not proud of, just as you do. The trick is to find a way to process what you've done so that you can learn from it and move on, rather than living in a constant state of shame.

I don't want to sound harsh but I agree with PP that this level of guilt is not healthy and not good for your DC. You've mentioned therapy- what sort of therapist are you seeing?

OK, think objectively.

I was also the OW more than once in my 20s. I had an abortion when I was 23. I slept with a good friend's ex boyfriend when I was 21 - she knows and were still mates 20+yrs later. I've made all sorts of horrible mistakes over the years but never deliberately set out to hurt anyone.

I don't have kids and married a man who is infertile. I'm very fat, struggle to lose the weight. I over eat almost obsessively.

Do you think I am a terrible person? In my head, not having kids is karma for my crappy lifestyle in my 20s.

However, I always used sex as a crutch for a lack of love in my life and when I was young and single, I jumped from bed to bed. Especially if I'd been drinking.

I don't think I'm a terrible person. Stupid at times, neglectful of others and my own MH, but not terrible.

Would also suggest a trip to the GP to talk about how you're feeling. I'd want to rule out so-called "pure O" OCD plus depression and anxiety. 🙂

Gosh you’re so hard on yourself OP. Lots of people have fucked up in similar ways (me!). You need to find a way to make peace with your past and move forwards. Learn to
love yourself. What advice would you give your best friend? The fact that you can self reflect is huge but you need to try to stop the self flagellation. It sounds very bound up in your self worth and childhood experiences.

Actually I think it's true that you have made mistakes but are any of them actually hateful and have you actually been vile? They don't seem hateful or vile, they seem like you were doing what you believed at the time would ultimately give you something that you needed. Yes, they are not great mistakes but ultimately you are the one stepping up and taking care of your DC, and the hurt that was caused by any affair is long passed and was never ultimately your responsibility. You want to be a good person? I don't even know what a good person is anymore but I bet you are more able and qualified to do good in this world than the person who has never made any mistakes in their life. I will tell you one thing I value in others, acceptance and being non-judgemental. Are you those things? Because that does a lot of good.

@Richenda i think I just read so much about affairs on here or ‘accidental’ pregnancies and all the stuff people say about it and sometimes I sit here and think fucking hell ive done it AND more! I feel like I deserve lifelong guilt and torment especially given DC is fatherless and that is on me. I just want to start over, tell everyone I am so sorry and that I wished I had been better.

I honestly think the only thing worse than what I did was rape or murder and the consequences for those things are severe. I deserve to suffer. Can a therapist help with guilt? Will I always be tormented? What sort of therapist? I will do anything at this point.

@manlyago i know people do things wrong and I do know one person who had an affair for example and she’s moved on with life and is married to someone now. But the child thing? I know nobody who has done that. Literally nobody. And certainly nobody who has done both, and more alongside it.

If it was a friend I would understand but that’s because I know my friends are ultimately good people and they don’t deserve sadness. All my friends are too good to have made this level of mistake though so it wouldn’t come up.

Wow you are harsh on yourself. You sound like you are speaking about being a serial killer or something. Tbh I think your main issue is impulsivity. Maybe when you make a decision to do something say to yourself that you are going to wait 24 hours before going ahead. That gives you some breathing space to think it over.

Oh, you poor thing. Nothing you've done is anything like rape or murder. The more you post, the more I think your GP would be a good starting point and maybe print this thread out to show them so they can understand how extreme your feelings are.

@User67564454 yes I did things because I felt I needed love desperately and in the case of my ex he said one thing about a future family and I just ran with it hoping for the best. So immature and selfish. I did it because I desperately wanted a happy ending, I didn’t do it for my DC or for my partner but because he gave one indication that ‘one day he would love that with me.’

Nowadays I am not at all judgmental no, but then I’d have to be an utter psycho to judge anyone after the things I’ve done.

Some excellent posts here.

I know it's a cliche but have you heard the phrase "don't compare other people's highlights reel to your cutting room floor"? You know far more about what terrible/bad/not ideal things you've done than you can ever know about what another person has done, so it's a mistake to compare your secret worst bits to everyone else's public image. Everyone has something they're ashamed of and many many people have done worse than you. Cheated on every partner they've been with, had multiple kids with no care for the consequences, given people STDs, stabbed people, started a war - I mean come on OP you need to work harder if you want to be the worst person in the world. Your daughter in the future will do bad things you may or may not know about, are you going to hate her for them the way you hate yourself now? If not, why not?

On a slightly different note, both your previous worst bits and your current mental state have something in common - you sound totally inside your own head. At first by behaving badly/selfishly and now by being obsessed with the idea that you're the ultimate unforgiveable dregs of humanity despite all the evidence of awful people on the news for example.

I feel like you need to think more about others and less about yourself. As a PP said, focus on doing nice things for others.

And FWIW I think a 40th birthday is a BRILLIANT time to have a clean slate. You're probably not even halfway through your life. Can you do a big change? Move to a new place or even country, get a new job, start afresh where the reminders of the people and places you knew in that tricky era aren't around you. Leave Facebook etc. Like @MissyCooperismyShero says "you can be an excellent person from now on".

@Richenda i changed my ex’s life and my DC’s life by my actions. Even if he doesn’t see dc he still has a child because of me. And dc doesn’t have a their dad because of me. That’s some pretty brutal stuff to do to two people isn’t it?

my poor friend said she would never trust a man again after what i did, too. I have caused so much distress to so many.

Even this thread is about me and my feelings. I have thought about death so much but there’s dc. I wish I had lived a wholesome life and been a good person. I am so sorry for what I’ve done to so many people. I could never say any of this in real life to anyone. I’m not sure anyone would believe it.

I would have considering doing that had it meant I wouldn’t have children otherwise. Yes it is selfish but aren’t we all selfish first?

we’ve all done shit things. I think you’re just going through a bad patch. Have you got any good friends or family that make you feel part of a network? When I was lonely a lot of things I had done in the past would haunt me but not now I feel accepted and loved for me.