I am wrecked with guilt after a life of awful things that I can’t stop thinking about

[guotls]

I’m 40 next week and I have made such a mess of life. I grew up desperate for love after a childhood of emotional neglect. I was desperate for love despite so much material affection from my parents. Things are better with them these days but that pain is still underneath. But none of this is an excuse for the person I am.

In my twenties I had two affairs and have sleepless nights about it now and what I did to those women (my fault). I slept with my best friend’s ex and she understandably has never spoken to me since and is celebrating their 40ths with my uni ex friends without me (my fault), when I finally met someone who said he couldn’t wait to have kids with me I thought I’ve finally met the person, i will have the family and I am safe… I missed a pill literally the next day and he did ask once if I had but I never told him. The relationship didn’t last of course because he was emotionally unavailable as all the ones prior had been and now I have a five year old asking why here their dad is (my fault), I didnt speak to my sister much over the years as she was treated so differently by my parents that I was jealous I think, she has a lovely life and I found it hard to be around her even though she has tried with me a lot, so I’ve missed that relationship with her (my fault).

I’ve done smaller shitty things over the years too. Not turning up or cancelling on friends last minute if I felt I couldn’t face it. Standing up men last minute. Taking a different job the day before being due to start another one. The list goes on. I’m a shit person and even though I had therapy and still do, it’s like it couldn’t keep up with how I was.

I’m 40 very soon and I just sit here thinking fuck what have I done with my life. I don’t think I’ve done anything good at all. And after all this I’m alone anyway, which is the one thing I had tried not to be my whole life. I could have skipped all the misery of the search and accepted it long ago and not inflicted so much misery on so many people, my poor child included.

I don’t deserve sympathy, I know that. But I would love to be better. I don’t think I know how? So many bridges burned so many mistakes that I genuinely feel anxious and worried everyday because of everything I did in the past.

You are very hard on yourself. You are not responsible for men cheating on their wives, for a start, that is on them alone. They chose to have sex with you of their own free will. They alone are responsible for the impact on their wives.

Nor are you responsible for your child’s father being absent. That is on him.

Learning self compassion would help you, as well as learning not to take on responsibility or guilt for other people’s free choices.

@Onlyhereforthebatshitneighbours do you really think what I said wasn’t enough for him to never meet dc? I often wonder if my nasty words were the cause. I’ve also tried a few times, maybe three over the years, send a card with photo, made it v clear he could see them whenever and I would help with that. But nothing came back.

three good things. I feel embarrassed! Erm, my two closest friends say I am the best support in a crisis, so I value that they think that. I work hard at work. And I suppose I care about how people feel a lot, not that it would seem that way from my OP.

@pylonpal do you really think what I said wasn’t reason for him to never see dc? I worry so much that mu awful words may have been why. I’d have been so upset if someone said those things to me. I guess I would still be curious about my own dc though.

The saddest thing about your post OP is that you repeatedly write your fault, your fault, your fault. Bet that was drilled into you when you were young. Bet everything was 'your fault' back then too. Its Awful that you grew up the way you did. You have to stop being down on yourself and reframe all this - you are raising a lovely child alone, that's no mean feat, and I bet you are a lovely person, and all that with an awful childhood. You should be bloody proud!

Time to put yourself first and start prioritising yourself and stop trying to find fault with yourself. Your family really let you down very, very badly and no wonder you ended up in some dysfunctional relationships. How the heck were you meant to recognise the right ones if noone had modelled a decent one within your own family? It doesn't make you a bad person and you've grown and learnt since then, too.

People say things when they’re hurt. I suffer from abandonment issues and when any of my boyfriends would (what felt like) abandon me when I was in a state it took me right back to being an abandoned little girl again which made me absolutely FURIOUS. I couldn’t control what I said, it was like I was feral. I felt like a hole had been torn open in my heart and it was so painful.

Don’t give yourself a hard time for being nasty when you felt abandoned.

do you think you maybe depressed?

@bloomety did you say anything close to how bad mine was? Im embarrassed even after all this time. I’m sorry you’ve felt so similar it’s scary isn’t it. I guess I could be depressed. I just want to feel a bit more positive, like life might be ok.

@guotls I absolutely think he has no excuse for not seeing his children. You've reached out and he has not bothered - that's on him, not you.

You really need to let go of this guilt on behalf of your child, all it will achieve is damage to you and its not deserved.

So, you're good points :) you're kind, caring and supportive. Presumably in a crisis then, you're also cool headed and logical. And a hard worker.

Those are all huge gifts and wonderful attributes!

You certainly come across as caring. How? Because someone who isn't wouldn't be torturing themselves so much.

And you mentioned two best friends - so you're not friendless and you do have dear friends who value you. Stop being so dismissive about yourself!

I'm picky, but I'd happily be friends with you :)

@bloomety I felt like a hole had been torn open in my heart and it was so painful
This description really resonates with me. It's a primal wound, so the response is primal.

I hope its healed - or at least healing - for you.

Oh I’ve said much worse. I don’t think you’ve said anything that bad. Of course you lash out and attack when you feel abandoned. That’s not the reason he doesn’t see his daughter though. If me and my DH split up, it wouldn’t matter what he said to me I’d always see my kids. It’s completely separate things.

Honestly you saying that means so much. It really does. If only I could have been decent more than I’d been non decent. I want to do better in future and this thread has made me believe for the first time in years that perhaps it could be possible to do that. Thank you for listening to me and responding.

Every day is a fresh start @guotls 💐

@bloomety one thing I panic about is the fact it happened before she was here and maybe he’s never bothered as he never met her? I couldn’t have saved my outburst until after she was here so at least he had a bond. I don’t know. I think about so many eventualities.

Oh wow really? I thought it was just me. I don’t know where it comes from but it’s like a torrent of thick black tar there in my heart and all it takes is rejection/abandonment and crying from that for the lid to be lifted.

It’s not repaired yet, I just don’t let myself get too upset so as not to unlock the door to it all. In arguments my DH is emotionally unavailable so I cannot afford to cry or it unleashes it all. I disengage. He cannot help me with it and all I see that as is abandonment again when I’m in that state.

I'm 39 and I have done some of the same things as you plus some additional bad things. For me it was mainly fuelled by alcohol and recreational drugs. I do lie awake sometimes and count my mistakes but mostly I try not to because it's completely unproductive and just makes me feel shit.

Never, ever look back. Just look to the future and think about the positive things you can do for yourself and your DC. You are only halfway through your life - make the rest of it count!

@guotls OK, so he never developed a bond with his child. That's still on him.

If he were my friend, I would tell him straight that it doesnt matter what his ex may have said or done, he now has a child and he has a duty to that child; that his child deserves to know him. That he should at least try.

Not only is it possible to lead a better life in the future, you're already leading a better life. Time to drag your head out of the past.

@bloomety yes I understand. It can feel like I've been flayed bare on the inside and the wound has been turned out, raw, to the elements. Have you ever had therapy to help the work you do on yourself? I don't believe suppressing it indefinitely is the answer.

to both of you.

Omg that is exactly it. I tell this to people sometimes it’s like I have no skin on and the hurt just goes start that through to me.

i have tried but don’t know where to start and I struggle talking for just an hour and then having pull myself together again. I also find I regress easy to bring a child but then feel abandoned by my therapist when it’s time to end. Even though I know logically it’s the end of the session, the child part of me is just happy someone is listening and feels hurt and rejected again when I have to stop.

what work did you do? I suffer with anxiety pretty bad and I think it’s from all this crap I keep hidden. I’m mostly disconnected from myself, that’s why I have the anxiety, I don’t really know who I am. I often suffer with dissociation in social situations when I feel I’m being judged.

If it helps I’m a single father who is raising a kid from a scenario not massively different from yours. Was lied to about birth control, and well you know the rest.

If my ex showed the sort of self awareness and remorse you just did I’d be more than willing to forgive, so you see what you did is by no means unforgivable at all.

Nobody is perfect, and we all have shadow sides to our psyches. The trick is to embrace and love the totality of ourselves warts and all. What is patently obvious to me when I strip away the details of your history, your feelings of guilt and the self loathing is you don’t have experience of being loved.

You didn’t get loved properly as a child and then in your 20s and beyond your shadow ran rampant with selfishness in order to grab onto what looked like love, and what your ego felt you were entitled to, other people be damned. That didn’t work as it was never going to and now you reinforce the issue with self-hatred and guilt that you weren’t loveable in the first place. It’s a terrible cycle and I’m afraid all too common.

To turn it around start with small acts of altruistic love to those still in your life, or even strangers if you have the time and temperament for it. Not out of some sort of penance but because you attract love by being loving. In the end you can’t beg, control or manipulate others into loving you, as that’s not your purview it’s theirs. What you do have dominion over is how your discharge the love you feel. So focus on that, and incrementally things will improve.

i wish you all the best.

I know you this isn't a conscious choice, but you are using criticism to keep yourself safe.

You are too afraid of rejection to really engage with life.

You missed that pill because you couldn't believe anyone would want a child with you and you felt it was your only chance.

There is nothing stopping you just moving on and living the good life you and your child deserve.

If you continue flogging yourself to death, nothing will ever change.

In your shoes (and so have been) I would visit your GP for medication to ease your anxiety and intrusive thoughts and ask for a course of CBT to help you with strategies to reform your habitual thinking.

Importantly, you created a child. Children are wonderful and no life should be regretted, no matter what the circumstances. Please, please get help so you and your child can be happy together.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. We have all done things in life we regret.

You need to forgive yourself so you can look forward and not back.

Oh course what you said isn’t enough for him to see his son. Who are you, God?

Seriously OP less of the drama, more of the getting a grip. You are not unusual or terrible - sorry to disappoint.

Find a therapist who challenges you and focus on the fucking future for yourself and your son.

Oh and I think seeing the GP for anxiety is a very good idea too.