Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

It absolutely grinds you down to a shadow of yourself, yes. When it gets too bad life becomes an endurance slog, with all the pleasure squashed. It's been 3 years now since my circumstances changed and I was able to separate and my income now is very, very precarious. But at least I can breathe. The art of holding a conversation hasn't come back yet (very difficult to chat when everything you say is dismissed) but at least I can breath. I will be grateful to the end of my life to the person who made it financially possible for me to separate. Many people are still stuck.

The downside is that I don't know all of what goes on at their father's, and what I do hear is alarming sometimes. We've had the Social Services in when he started hitting our 14 year old because he couldn't work out a better way of breaking up a fight between the two boys.

You're amazingly resilient @BleuNoir and @ReleaseTheDucksOfWar 💐🤗

I feel I can’t ask for more money for me for counselling.

Cheaper than a divorce?

@creideamhdóchasgrá thank you for witnessing our pain and sadness. You've been so kind on the thread, taking time to acknowledge the difficulties of everyone. Thank you. I hope you too get a good night's sleep and we can all rise tomorrow feeling refreshed and like something positive will happen.

It's a very good point. It's the trump card. I don't use it often because it's damaging but it does draw DH up short to realise that all that he's worked for could just flicker and vanish before his eyes.

I would be far better off if I were to divorce I sometimes think. Financially and mentally, but then i realise that would only be initially. I have no clear valid source of income long-term. I'm not trained in anything. I was once long ago but the market has moved on and although I tried very hard to keep up with part-time work, special needs kids and a husband who was never here meant I had to choose between outsourcing the kids to someone else or being there for them and given that they're vulnerable, I knew I was the only person who could do the best job of that.

I popped back in.
Hello again @BleuNoir

You do have a valuable and unique set of up-to-date skills - you are an expert in SEND with a specialism in ASD.

The NHS and other agencies have cottoned on to this and there are lived experience practitioner roles.

I knew I was the only person who could do the best job of that
(rather than outsourcing essentially SEND work and being there)

You know who you are. You see it! Others would too.
That's lovely :)

Not advocating you leave and get a job, just saying you are knowledgeable and skilled :)

You'd be in high demand. Imagine if you could have someone like you to help...and those skills are transferable to other contexts.

I feel I can’t ask for more money for me for counselling.

Id also say that my experience if counselling has been transformative. It has never been about DH but only about me and has helped me feeling less ‘stuck and trapped’. It’s helping me deal with the situation in a different way too.

I think that removing the ASD stuff, most people in a relationship where they are deeply unhappy would leave. Not doing so and having felt unable to do that for a very long time, then there must a reason. Untangling stuff and understanding that reason is freeing in my experience.

Now I’m not advocating to have counselling to be able to leave. For me it’s more about the fact that staying or leaving becomes a CHOICE. Not something that has been put onto me and I have no control over (hope I make sense).

@creideamhdóchasgrá you have an amazing ability to read things and see all the stuff between the lines, to reframe them and put forward a different view.

Its fantastic to read and very helpful. Thank you.

Gabor Maté has written about how stress and trauma (including marital conflict) leads to illness. I wonder how many of us are dealing with chronic illness in part because of the longterm stress of high conflict marriages?

'When the Body Says No' is the book in case anyone is interested.

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar
love your username!! Made me laugh out loud 🤣

Yes you’re right it becomes a slog and that’s where I am right now.

My mum did all the emotional reciprocation that my DH can’t do.

She stepped in and was present at everything, every birthday, during the holidays, picking up at school when I was ill. She was there, ever present and always such a benign loving presence. All I could have ever wished for and more.

She did pretty much everything DH doesn’t do. So with her becoming terminally ill the applecart of our marriage is suddenly destablised. I have to experience it once again for all it lacks. Can’t pretend and bury my head. I always knew this time would come.

I wonder how you escaped. It may be too personal to share but I wonder if you met someone else?

I sometimes think about that but it seems too complicated and as I feel right now with the chronic illness and tiredness I can’t see a knight in shining armour come to rescue me. This is the stuff of fairy tales. I’d rather be alone for a while anyway I think. I’m not ready to meet anyone.

DHs former girlfriend before me (before we got married) left him for someone else. Said he lived in his head too much. She got lonely and drank too much he said but he always blamed himself for their split. Said he hadn’t been a good partner.

Responding to the people behind the posts.
I'm new to this thread...
The people - the bravery, and honesty - unique
Hard won insights.
Thanks for the encouragement and thanks - you're welcome and
Thank you back! ;)

My chronic illness became chronic two days after we returned from our honeymoon.

I think I knew I’d made the wrong decision but I couldn’t turn the clock back. I’d been with him for 2 years by then. Marry in haste, repent at leisure.

Re:
BleuNoir · Today 22:06
@@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar
Love your username!! Made me laugh out loud

me too

@WakingUpDistress
(hope I make sense)

Perfect sense.

@SquirrelSoShiny
When the Body Says No - book recommendation

Thanks, will order it.

I wonder how many of us are dealing with chronic illness in part because of the longterm stress of high conflict marriages?

Good q... I need to read the book and have a bit more of a think.

@BleuNoir
Re chronic illness inset and the triggers
Do you think our bodies know before we do?

I have a friend who says, "I listened to my body and it's telling me..." and
"What is your body telling you about that?"

For lots of questions she does this...

"What shall I eat?" she says,.
"What is my body telling me...", in a restaurant looking at the drinks menu.

"What to do about [a colleague] being rude on the phone?"
"Mmm? "What is my body telling me?" she says.

I found it curious but it's starting to make sense.

Do our bodies tell us things we can't yet properly recognise and can't quite articulate?

We know but we don't know.

@WakingUpDistress @SquirrelSoShiny
Gabor Mate is very insightful about emotions stress and physical health isn't he. I've listened to a few interviews with him.

I also like Esther Perel on relationships.

Let's ignore this and carry on.

Typo - emotional stress

Thanks for the signpost to Esther Perel. My Christmas list is getting longer.

@creideamhdóchasgrá
Esther Perel does a podcast called 'Where should we begin?'. Each episode has a different couple. She recognises the real issue and gets right to the heart of the matter even when the couples initially seem to be fighting about something else.

That's new to me. Thank you.

I'd also really recommend this podcast with Professor Tony Attwood and Dr. Michelle Garnett.

'Keys to successful neurodiverse relationships'.

It's over an hour long but has some real insights about NT/AS relationships.

podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy82NmQxODFkYy9wb2RjYXN0L3Jzcw/episode/YTc3Zjc5YWMtMDQyZS00MTNhLThlZjItODYwOTUyNTJlMDVl?ep=14

(Hope that link works for you, not just on my phone?!)

'During this episode, two of the most well-known experts in autism and neurodiverse relationships, Professor Tony Attwood and Dr. Michelle Garnett, share key tips and tools that will help both partners thrive in a Neurodiverse Love relationship. There are so many nuggets of gold in this conversation, that we hope neurodiverse couples will listen to this episode together. Whether you are trying to understand each other's communication differences; wondering whether using texts, emails or sharing songs, will work better to express your thoughts and feelings; or you are working to understand the value of your partners special interests or emotional needs, you will learn more about all these topics during this episode.

In addition, we discuss the value of scheduling time to talk, how to provide feedback to each other effectively, and how to better understand the things that may trigger shutdowns or meltdowns.'

getpodcast.com/dk/podcast/neurodiverse-love-season-2/professor-tony-attwood-and-dr-michelle-garnett-keys-to-successful-neur_25047752e8

I just looked it up and found it here so all good :)