Online dating - what do you look for in a man..?

[OnlineDatingDilemmas]

I'm posting on behalf of a very good male friend of mine.

He's 57, tall slim, good looking, takes care of himself. And single.

He's doing online dating but not having much luck!

He gets chatting to women but dates don't materialise or he goes on a date or two and they tell him he's lovely and want to be friends - He's stayed in contact with a couple and built good friendships.

He's my friend so obviously I think he's great!

I've checked his profile - it's all good and none of the obvious no nos... Good photos - not a fish, bathroom/half naked selfie or other woman in sight.

He'd really like some reflections on the experiences/opinions of women on where he might be going wrong. What do you look for in a man? What turns you off one you were initially attracted to?

I've got a boyfriendand don't have much online dating experience so I'm not much help...

TIA

My advice about online dating is simply that it is a numbers game and you've got to try as much as possible to not get emotional about it (wierd as it sounds). I went on lots of dates with men who were perfectly nice, but there just was no spark. There were some who liked me more than I liked them and vice versa. The spark is pretty intangible really. He just needs to be himself, not try too hard to the point it becomes forced or insincere, and hopefully he will meet someone he clicks with.

If he's getting replies and dates, then it's probably not his profile that's the issue. He needs to be introducing himself to LOTS of people and checking regularly for new joiners

I'd advise against spending too long exchanging messages; they're both on there for the same reason, and it isn't for a pen pal. After initial pleasantries and chit chat if it seems to be going well, organise a short, simple date. If she isn't interested, then move on.

Keep the dates very relaxed and casual. Something like coffee or a walk (not secluded!). If it goes well and they hit it off, then the second date can be a bit more special.

On paper he sounds very nice, probably my type in fact.

However, a man would have to be solvent and a homeowner for me to consider dating him. I'm not a gold-digger by any means but I am at least looking for my financial equal because i'm looking for a long term partner/husband, not just someone to date on a short term basis.

Yep, he's both of those things too. Probably should have said!

He's also looking for long term and isn't really interested in casual hookups or short term dating.

Yep, walks for first dates and not messaging for too long is all good.

I think the numbers game element is just so disheartening though, isn't it?

Reasons I've given up on men include:

• demanding to know why I haven't answered when I've already said I work full time and sm busy.

• boring - doesn't seem to have any interests in... anything much, but I like to have some ideas of their views on politics, religion, feminism, Brexit, and also to know if they can just talk about opinions, be it art, sport, wildlife... anything. Some men are really dull.

• just no chemistry when we met in person, which was sad when we got on well online.

• negative about everything.

• went on at length about his girlfriend who died (I (hopefully tactfully) suggested he needed more time to grieve before trying dating again, and to focus on friends and other activities to deal with the loneliness.)

• going on at length about all the bad dates, no shows, etc, he'd had. It's normal to talk about how you've been finding OLD, but this was almost his only topic of conversation, and I was possibly too restrained in not pointing out the common factor, but it wasn't them...

• no eye contact on date

• just didn't respond quickly, so after 2 weeks of no contact either side, I think we can assume neither of us is into it. There's a fine balance between being too pushy and giving too much space that it looks like no interest.

There have probably been others, but my tracking sheet is not on my work laptop, and I'm in the office... (Yes, I do have one!)

EBearhug

Thank you!

Sounds perfect for me! Do you want to put us in touch with each other?

Sounds like what I'm looking for to be fair

Well I think this is why I'm struggling to help him tbf.

If I were online dating and saw his profile, he'd certainly catch my eye!

I think that why he's interested in hearing what puts women off and what women are looking for.

Where does he live op? I'll give him a whirl!

Agree with everything ebearhug said. Plus avoid profile photos showing him with a pet cat or worse, a huge fish he once caught.
How tall is your friend (if it isn't too much of a personal question?)

How tall is your friend (if it isn't too much of a personal question?)

Is there a man's profile out there that doesn't say, "I'm X height, because that seems to be important here"?

(Though I would have swiped left on one of my current ones I met at a party if I'd been reading his height in his OLD profile, because he's 14 inches taller than me.)

I don't think he's really doing anything wrong. This is going to be really cheesy, but, 'you can't hurry love' and all that.

Y'know.....I wasn't looking but somehow I found you.

I think also, he might want a long-term relationship, but I think you have to go through some short-term relationships while you're finding out whether they might work out as a long-term one or not. Some people look promising, but as you get to know them, you realise they're not right for you after all. Some of it just does take time.

I personally would prefer coffee to a walk for a first date because a) I'm not very fit and walking plus talking can be an issue... especially when on a gradient (I'm working on that by getting regular exercise now!)
also b) coffee gives me the chance to find out if he's a tightwad as I've often ended up buying more coffee than the man I'm dating despite being significantly poorer.

Your friend does sound nice though. Although a little too old for me as I'm 45.

His profile pics are fine. I've vetted them 😉

He's about 5'10/5'11.

Will he let you look at his message exchanges?

Is he being too full on/weird/pervy/dull/droning on about brexit or something?

I would have thought 50's is a great age to date? Kids likely grown up and less life complications altogether.

Is he a parking officer or some other off putting job? 😂 or a tax collector?

Honestly, it all about numbers.

I look for: emotional intelligence, smart, whitty, grown up or no children, has good friends and gets on well with his family.

Does he have a sense of humour? I say yes to meeting as soon as possible. If I had chatted to my now H for ages it might have put me off 😂 but we met very quickly and his SOH took over his awkwardness at messaging.

Which bit is he not having much luck at? Is it getting matches? Is it moving onto a date? Or going beyond date 1?

In terms of swiping right, I look for intelligence (and I normally would look for a degree for that), someone who lives close to me, someone who is in a professional job. I like tall. I would look for someone solvent, with their own house, no one who is still living with the ex.

I would never swipe right on anyone with no detail in their profile. But if they have a profile and it talks about partners in crime/buying the drinks until you look like your age/or going on in an embittered way about liars/people who don't talk etc, I don't swipe right then either. A funny profile is good. I don't swipe right on men who are posing with a motorbike. Men who are posing with a ridiculous car. Men who are golfing. I'm a bit put off by bad clothes. I'm a bit put off by tattoos.

I'll never swipe right on someone who is newly separated. I am put off if they have pictures with their kids. (I'm quite choosy).

If they match with me, then it's about being interesting and funny. If they seem disinterested then I cba with them and I assume this is a two way thing - we both have to interest each other. Keep the chat going, seem keen and interested. Don't talk about sex. or exes. ask lots of questions. Be complimentary. Get to a date quickly - not weeks of chatting.

And if's getting to a dating stage, then my preference is for drinks on date 1 - not a walk (which is just boring and awkward). Having a laugh. But it's all about chemistry really although I would wait a couple of dates to see if that materialises.

I'm 44 and would date anybody up to 60 so feel I could comment.

As you have vetted the profile for dodgy photos and comments etc, plus he's a reasonable height (being tall I discount anybody below 5'8 as I'm 5'10) then I think it's a matter of mutual attraction and the dreadful numbers game.

I always look for someone who is active - it's not about body type but about someone who either does sport or like long walks and being active. Netflix and chill bores the pants off me.

There has to be enough intellectual compatibility - I want to be able to have challenging discussions on a number of topics, accepting that crossover of topics may be limited. I am well read and educated and work in a demanding professional role with the downside of being a thinker.

There has to be sense of fun, a spark - something you just can't fake. Sometimes someone is very attractive but there's just nothing there.

He has a wide range of interests and topics of conversation- he and I talk for hours about all sorts of stuff. I know he is the same with other friends too.

Yep, unless he's changed it, I can definitely say there are non of the instant and obvious 'nope's on his profile/in his pictures.

He chats, sometimes it fizzles out, sometimes it materialises into a date or two.

My personal feeling is that the numbers game is demoralising for everyone and he feels a bit deflated because of it.

Maybe guilty of flogging a dead or horse or two (been on the receiving end of breadcrumbing a couple of times) on the off chance he's letting a good one slip through the net... but he's getting better at that 😉

What sort of woman is HE looking for? Maybe his aspirations are too high.

What do I want in a man, Honest, Trustworthy, similar values and interests, nice house, nice car, solvent, not obese.

In his profile I do not want to see sexy images, nor do I want sexy, or vulgar chat, in short a normal, decent bloke, that will treat me like a woman!.

I'd be interested to see who he is swiping on. Are they realistic matches? (What's his age range for example).