Online dating - what do you look for in a man..?

[OnlineDatingDilemmas]

I'm posting on behalf of a very good male friend of mine.

He's 57, tall slim, good looking, takes care of himself. And single.

He's doing online dating but not having much luck!

He gets chatting to women but dates don't materialise or he goes on a date or two and they tell him he's lovely and want to be friends - He's stayed in contact with a couple and built good friendships.

He's my friend so obviously I think he's great!

I've checked his profile - it's all good and none of the obvious no nos... Good photos - not a fish, bathroom/half naked selfie or other woman in sight.

He'd really like some reflections on the experiences/opinions of women on where he might be going wrong. What do you look for in a man? What turns you off one you were initially attracted to?

I've got a boyfriendand don't have much online dating experience so I'm not much help...

TIA

Although he did take one to a gig they were both planning on going to anyway but he was a bit put off that she wanted to get a hotel to stay in and he pointed out to her that he was a stranger and they didn't know each other so he drove her home afterwards which she wasn't happy about

I wasn't there so maybe she came across pushy or in a manner that was worrying for her safety but I'll admit this stands out as a bit righteous... not sure if it was a one off or he can maybe come across a bit that way? If a 30/40/50 something woman goes on a first date, it's going well and she suggests continuing it then of course he's entitled to decline but she's not asking to be lectured on stranger danger.

Other than this, it sounds like he's just been a bit unlucky so far. As someone far too experienced in OLD, I would advise him not to entertain these long descriptions of past relationships on such early dates, it's very easy to end up wasting an evening being someone's therapist and it doesn't set a very romantic tone. I'd advise that he either doesn't ask (maybe do so in the text chat instead) or finds a way to politely move the convo on.

Men that have been on there for years with the same pictures/profile etc. I met someone and left and then returned around 3 years later and same men on there with the same pictures and details.

If he is very good looking then I wouldn't go for him, I prefer average looking men and assume the good looking ones get lots of younger prettier women. Does he make the first move on a message dating site and open with more than a hey there

"i was going to post exactly what Cherchezlaspice has posted. Most of the 50ish men who complain they don't get attention online are trying to match with gorgeous-looking 35 year old women." Me too - some men go way too low in age. Might be better looking for an older woman rather than too young?

It’s a numbers game. Lots of perfectly OK men out there who just weren’t for me. I always insist on at least a short walk to assess their standard of fitness - if only “Meet me under the clock” followed up by let’s head for a Costa 10 minutes up the hill.

I would discount anyone with a status of ‘separated’ or whose preferences include ‘hookup’ or ‘anything’ and suggest he does the same - horses for courses, and he’s looking for a LTR. Concentrate on those with potential, don’t be afraid to message first and reply in a reasonable timeframe.

Tbh, he doesn't do one night stands. Never has done from what I understand. It wasn't a judgement of her. It's personal preference but he did say afterwards that he was a bit concerned for her safety that she would so willingly put herself in that position. He didn't lecture her, just said he wasn't going to book a hotel. She was a stranger to him as much as he was to her.

I don't remember exactly what his age parameters are set at, only that he's met women in their 50s and the last woman he went on a couple of dates with was 60. He's 57. I'm 10 years younger and he'd consider that too much of a gap. Not all men are chasing women under 35 😉

He's not devastatingly handsome. He's an attractive man who looks after himself. On the attractive side of average.

He's never been married and doesn't have children. He was in a long term relationship with a woman and would have liked to have children but it never happened.

As someone far too experienced in OLD, I would advise him not to entertain these long descriptions of past relationships on such early dates, it's very easy to end up wasting an evening being someone's therapist and it doesn't set a very romantic tone

This is probably one of the most pertinent things I've read tbh. He does seem to end up knowing an awful lot about previous partners and their sexual predilections after a first date! He's very easy to talk to and I think women end up just opening up to him. But it does friendzone him, I think.

He didn't lecture her, just said he wasn't going to book a hotel

or

he was a bit put off that she wanted to get a hotel to stay in and he pointed out to her that he was a stranger and they didn't know each other

Which is it, OP?

Also, the way you’re writing about this man is a bit odd. Really long detailed descriptions of his traits, preferences and experiences.

Are you the man in question? If so, you know men may post here? You don’t need to cloak it as ‘asking for a friend’. Asking for yourself is fine.

You understand that he can have had a thought and opinion that he shared with me that wasn't exactly what he said to her right?

He didn't 'judge' her for it.
His opinion was that it was risky and he was surprised she'd suggested it.
He didn't want to book a hotel room for the night with a woman he hadn't actually met yet. For his own sake as much as hers.
He was concerned that she was potentially vulnerable and that she was putting herself at risk.
He told her that they were strangers and he'd rather they got to know each other before sleeping together.
They had a good time at the gig.

And, tbh, his concern was no more than would have been expressed if she'd posted on here saying she was going to spend the night in a hotel I another city with a man she'd never met.

Blimey, man doesn't take advantage of woman and he's still the arsehole! 🤣

And, no, I'm not the man. I suggested he posted here himself but didn't want to. Was happy for me to post here instead. And we talk. That's how I know about him. He's my friend 🙄

Nobody’s called him an arsehole. But, pointing out to someone who wants a shag that you’re a stranger (as opposed to just saying ‘no, thank you’) comes across as lecturing.

So, you name changed to write a completely innocuous, not outing post. And in the comments you have written multiple paragraphs describing the thought processes of another person in great (extremely defensive) detail. Alrighty, then. I wish your friend the best of luck with OLD.

But, pointing out to someone who wants a shag that you’re a stranger (as opposed to just saying ‘no, thank you’) comes across as lecturing.

I don't know. Maybe he didn't have the benefit of time to compose a MN acceptable response.

But I think an explanation was reasonable.

And, tbf, he didn't want to spend the night with a stranger himself. I'm not going to argue about it though.

OP, men on dating sites are frequently described on here as “dregs”, and that there must be something wrong with them, so I’m not surprised some posters think he must be an arse somehow.

fwiw I can’t advise as I’m in a similar boat. 8 years younger and 4” shorter, but finding responses hard to come by. I think it is just a numbers game unfortunately

How is getting in his car to drive her home ok for strangers? He would know her address or close enough, he could drive into the woods and rape and kill her. At least in a hotel there are CCTVs. He could have booked his own room separately maybe she lived too far to go home the same night and wondered if they both wanted to drink and so wouldn't have to worry about getting home.
Does he have autism? Because some bits lack awareness. The comment about how these women can be with arseholes and yet won't see him again screams nice guy logic.
How does he end up with dates that later tell him they want hook ups and casual? Why didn't he clarify intent before meeting up?
How can he be open with age and then 10 years gap is too much?

It's almost like you're so keen for us to validate that he is a catch and all these women are horrible and maybe someone will want to meet him off MN.
He can't be that great if this is happening to him because there are far more women looking for a relationship then men on OLD and their quality is usually better than that of the men.
He is doing something wrong, what exactly? someone need to see his interaction on dates and in messages to these women.

Have you seen first dates programme? some people have no awareness whatsoever. Some come across obnoxious or arrogant. So he needs to be a bit more introspective and honest with himself.

So he does sound like could be that rarest of things, a decent person which in OLD world is rare, and some people just cannot handle it. They want a nice person but always chose the bastards. Watch 'The IT Crowd' show fifty-fifty episode for a surprisingly accurate analysis of this, might cheer him up.

I suspect it is a numbers game and maybe he is picking the wrong women. Does he wait for them to message him or does he message them first? Maybe you could help him make better choices to begin with as that is possibly where it is going wrong.

Or you could always see if you can set him up with a blind date and skip the whole OLD thing altogether?

I think he sounds just lovely! At 45 he would think I was too young I guess😂. I can’t see that he’s doing anything wrong at all. He sounds like a dream man for many women. He will find someone.

Tbh, that was my thought too but she was willing to spend the night with him. She wasn't suggesting different rooms. So I suppose travelling in the car with him didn't feel like a risk to her 🤷🏻‍♀️ he knew she was safe with him but, tbh, I wouldn't have done any element of it myself.

I'm not hoping for a pile on to the women. I've answered questions about him honestly although, what I did ask for was other women's experiences of things that put them off so I could reflect them back to him not really to justify him to anyone else. So that he could consider whether he was doing anything inadvertently.

He's certainly not had a bad word to say about any of the women he's met.

And no, it isn't nice guy logic. He doesn't feel entitled to a second date or that he should be getting them but clearly women see something attractive in other men that they don't see in him. And he'd like to understand what that is.

That's all. If people don't want to comment they don't have to.

I have a boyfriend and didn't really date when I was single. I tried online dating about 10 years ago and didn't like it so I have no personal reflections to give him.

1. A bloke who can spell.
2. Extend introductions beyond "how's your day been".
3. Has bothered to complete profile.
4. Doesn't include the obligatory gym patterns.
5. Doesn't want first meet to be a coffee shop/opportunity for him to look you up and down then piss off after a quick coffee, after you have made all the small talk.
6. Doesn't say "if you're looking for a one night stand, pass on by". Those are the ones who are ALWAYS looking for ONS.
7. Doesn't say he has been to the University of Life.
8. Have a personality, it normally helps.

Will think of some more...

How long has he been online dating, OP? I have reread your posts, but I can't see if you've said. It can take a long, long time to meet someone this way, that actually develops into a relationship.

OnlineDatingDilemmas

If your friend is getting dates that go no further, he is being too distant, afraid to commit, is he really looking for a partner or just another friend, something is putting women off.
If he’s good looking with no physical negatives ( bad breath etc) it must be his personality, is he romantic, simple stuff like holding hands, saying how lovely she looks, hugs and kisses. Does he respond to being “invited back for coffee” or does he leave her disappointed, because when I invited a man back a passionate cuddle was expected, not a deep meaningful conversation.

I'm wondering if it is the fact that he has never been married - that can suggest someone who has never had to compromise. Did he have long term live in partners?

simple stuff like holding hands, saying how lovely she looks, hugs and kisses.

Depends how it's done though. One date asked if I had sunscreen on (we were walking outside,) "because you don't want to spoil that gorgeous body by burning your skin," which came over creepy, whereas the next date, "that's a lovely dress, that colour really suits you," came over as natural and genuine.

First one kept touching my arm then snatching it back, and trying to touch my back (slightly regretted a sundress that was mostly just skirt and front at that point,) and eventually asked if I was okay with him doing so, to which I said, "I'm not comfortable with it," and he said, "I always respect that, but I do get touchy feely when I'm with someone hot." I laughed it off by saying, everyone is hot in this weather - but I was thinking, you only respected that I wasn't comfortable after asking, which was after I kept stepping just out of reach so it was obvious to most people it wasn't wanted. Whereas the second - little touches on the arm while asking if I wanted a drink when he went to the bar, things like that, which was the same sort of behaviour, but didn't come over predatory in the same way. He never asked if I was comfortable with it, because presumably he's better at reading body language or something. And he's definitely a more positive personality - maybe that's what made me more open to it.

No. 1 got blocked, No. 2 is coming over to share my bed for the weekend. There was a clear difference in how I felt about essentially the same behaviour between the two of them, but I can't really explain why one repelled and one attracted when they touched my arm. Which means it can be a tricky thing to know how to change if he's not getting it right.

Do you have any credible sources for that deeply offensive assertion? Or is it true because you said so?

Yea this would make me wonder - I went on a date with someone recently and he asked about my relationship history (2 x long term 10 years+). When I asked him had he been married or lived with anyone he joked “nobody would be daft enough to live with me”. I know it was just a joke but my immediate thought was “why not?!”