Online dating - what do you look for in a man..?

[OnlineDatingDilemmas]

I'm posting on behalf of a very good male friend of mine.

He's 57, tall slim, good looking, takes care of himself. And single.

He's doing online dating but not having much luck!

He gets chatting to women but dates don't materialise or he goes on a date or two and they tell him he's lovely and want to be friends - He's stayed in contact with a couple and built good friendships.

He's my friend so obviously I think he's great!

I've checked his profile - it's all good and none of the obvious no nos... Good photos - not a fish, bathroom/half naked selfie or other woman in sight.

He'd really like some reflections on the experiences/opinions of women on where he might be going wrong. What do you look for in a man? What turns you off one you were initially attracted to?

I've got a boyfriendand don't have much online dating experience so I'm not much help...

TIA

Is he extending his search criteria like age and location?

According to online dating statistics the thing women all look for is if he is a white man.

Sounds like he’s getting the initial interest and dates so all sounds good there. I don’t think he’s “going wrong” - he’s just not met someone where there’s been the mutual spark/connection yet.

For some reason, OLD invites more pressure to feel the connection quickly and dismiss if that spark isn’t there within one or two dates. IRL that connection can grow from friendship or smack you unexpectedly round the chops from a chance meeting. Just because you go looking for it doesn’t mean it is any more likely to happen.

I always think OLD is the digital version of going to [insert venue of choice] and scanning the room for potential. How many times would you subconsciously “swipe left” based on looks alone? How many times would you “swipe right” and try to start up a conversation? How many times from those “swipe rights” have you been told thanks but no thanks or disappeared off to the loo never to be seen again (ghosted)? How many times have those “swipe rights” actually resulted in swapping numbers and going on a few dates? How many of those dates ended up as something serious?

The dating apps are just [insert venue of choice]. That’s all. Minus the fun night out with your friends and the expense.

As for what I'm looking for in a man - someone who's kind, emotionally mature and available, honest, patient, isn't afraid to be himself, doesn't have a chip on his shoulder about events in his past, housetrained, definitely not a boaster or braggart, takes care of his appearance but not vainly so. None of this can be "sussed out" by looking at a couple of pictures and a "CV" on a computer screen. And even if the guy turned out to be all of these things, it's no guarantee that the elusive attraction, spark, that "something that makes it more than friends" would be there.

It is a numbers game but it is too easy to just keep sending messages. Buy the time you hit double figures in messages you should know enough to meet for even a Sunday morning coffee & croissant somewhere etc or to bin it.

To be friends then he is maybe not showing enough interest in them. Keep conversation positive, smile but also is he interested in them enough to want more dates? Can he ask the ones he made friends with why they cooled off?

Momentum is key though - once the wheels start to turn he needs to keep things moving, not fast but enough to keep them interested.

I look for someone to date if they are keen to respond quickly, can't be dealing with one answer every 24hrs.
I prefer a bit of conversation flowing , I appreciate being asked within a few days, not straight away and I wouldn't wait longer than a week.

On a date I like to see the man has made some effort to dress and smell good.
Flowers will definitely be extra brownie points!

I don't think it's much use knowing what I'd personally look for in a man. Is he going to magically transform into my ideal man? I don't think so.
His profile isn't the problem if he is getting dates. It could be his conversation that causes a date to fall through before it materialises or during the date.
It could be anything from a misunderstanding of a joke or even a bad joke. It could be his voice and accent. It could be his mannerisms on dates. It could be the vibes he gives them.
He would have more luck asking for feedback from his dates but knowing how some men get, I wouldn't be surprised if his dates declined or gave a wishy washy explanation.
The truth is, you as his friend must know of some annoying bits about him or at least must have some awareness about how of his qualities could be irritating to someone else. If you see no fault in him at all maybe you should marry him!😉

He sounds lovely and like previous poster probably my type ! I hope he finds his special someone.

I wouldn't say no to Nicholas Pinnock.

OLD doesn't really work for men (unless they're really special) so I would tell him it's the apps rather than him that is the problem. Hopefully he can meet someone out in the real world where it is far easier to form a connection.

Yep, walks for first dates and not messaging for too long is all good.

A walk for a first date would not work for me. I'd think he was tight. At least go for a coffee.

Someone who is happy to go for a coffee first and doesn't do a load of text flirting or future faking.

Men with dogs always seem to end up with their dog watching you all the time.

Beards worry me if they are too unkempt. There's a difference between an Aragorn and a Hagrid beard with a bird living in it.

I wouldn't walk anywhere with a man I don't know mind you. A few coffee dates in public safe places at the minimum.

Yeah I wouldn’t go for a walk either - I’m not expecting him to stump up for a meal but if he can’t even offer a coffee then I’d presume he’s tight or poor. (I’m poor and would still pay for a coffee for a guy if I asked him out!!).

I’m looking for someone who’s more chunky than slim, who doesn’t obsess over fitness and the gym as I’m a big foodie and while I don’t kind a walk or lifting some weights I don’t want some MAMIL who spends all his weekends cycling or training for a bloody marathon. Can’t think of anything worse. So I swipe (left? Whichever is ‘no’) on sporty or skinny guys.

I wouldn’t meet a man unless I’d had a bit of a text chat first and got on well - he needs to have decent spelling and grammar, not use too many emojis and not be over familiar.

I don’t want to talk about exes or anything too serious up front, just to get an idea of what type of chap he is, what he does in his free time etc.

I wouldn’t go for a man who has dogs - well not someone who makes them a big part of his profile anyway - as I don’t really like dogs.

I also wouldn’t chat to anyone with young children or who has pics of themselves with a woman on their profile as you can’t tell if it’s an adult DD, a friend or an ex, which they MUST know so why use it?!

What is his age range set to and what do the women he’s after look like?

Almost unfailingly, when men complain about their poor luck on dating sites, it’s because they are aiming for considerably younger, considerably more attractive women. Is he swiping right on women in their mid to late 50’s who don’t look like supermodels?

What does he have his age preference parameters set to? What’s his upper limit? Is he looking for someone to start a family with?

Back in my OLD days I set my upper limit at 10 years above my age, but still had men with a 20+ year age gap contact me.

Ii was going to post exactly what Cherchezlaspice has posted. Most of the 50ish men who complain they don't get attention online are trying to match with gorgeous-looking 35 year old women.

I'm 46 and 56 is already too old for me. Most 35 year olds wouldn't even look at a man in their 50s in a sexual way.

Is there anything sexy about him? Sounds like he is being friend-zoned pretty quick which suggests a great guy but a lack of sex appeal.

OP, what's the weirdest thing about him? Be honest. Would YOU date him, if you were single?

Reasons I've rejected dates:

• Too chatty, too sweaty, too starey

-Wearing a necklace -Being a perv / only interested in sex (doesn't sound applicable here) -Lack of respect around basic boundaries -Boring and/or negative about life, lacking Joie de Vivre -Talks about self too much, lack of self awareness -Being demanding, eg telling me not to be late for first date. -Too posh -Too short -Having long hair

Yes, that too.

😅those caught fish pics!

It is absolutely a numbers game but if there's a pattern then it may help him to have a think about his behaviour on dates as he may be inadvertently giving the wrong messages. He's clearly getting the interest so is doing something right.

Are the women actively staying in touch after saying 'let's be friends' or just using that as a polite brush off? I think there's a difference.

If staying in touch then perhaps he's coming across nice but not very interested or interesting as a potential lover, maybe he's shy, talks too much about general chit chat/ himself rather than getting to know them personally, appears too wrapped up in work, hobbies or any kids... is he showing potential romantic interest in the women he dates, giving them one or two compliments, that kind of thing, or just chatting away like they're an old mate?

If not then maybe he's doing something like being a bit indiscreet about past relationships and where they were good and bad. It really is enough to say 'I was married for 10 years/ have had 3 long term partners, the last which ended a year ago' or whatever. In the early stages, chapter and verse is not needed and can be very offputting.

Personally, I think it's the numbers game element.

I think first dates have often been a walk in an open populated area followed by coffee and cake in a cafe type thing. Although he did take one to a gig they were both planning on going to anyway but he was a bit put off that she wanted to get a hotel to stay in and he pointed out to her that he was a stranger and they didn't know each other so he drove her home afterwards which she wasn't happy about.

He's not a drinker so doesn't suggest pubs. He's not teetotal and goes to pubs but will often be the designated driver.

I personally think he's probably guilty of seeing a every woman he meets as a potential girlfriend rather than just getting to know someone so gets emotionally invested a bit too soon. But there are plenty of women who are guilty of that too.

I suppose he's looking for the same thing women here have said they're looking for - someone who he finds attractive (but not necessarily someone who fits the media beauty standard - he has no fixed requirements). Someone he has some common interests with - gigs, conversation, someone he can laugh and have adventures with. Someone he can build a future and see out the rest of his life with.

Age wise, he's pretty open. Mostly women in their 50s though. I'm not sure about his distance preferences. He's travelled 50 or so miles for a date before.

So he's not excluding himself by having ridiculous requirements either. I think he just goes on dates with women who end up telling him about their awful exes who they were with for years and it's just a bit deflating when he can't get past a second date - not that he has nice guy entitlement either. He just thinks he must he doing something wrong when so many women will put up with an arsehole for years.

I think he's just been unlucky so far. He's described all the women he's met as 'lovely' but has encountered a lot of "not over my ex", "don't want anything serious", "not looking for a relationship" type responses. But he's not had a bad word to say about any of them.

Just so glad I'm not doing old. It sounds dreadful.

I think the "lets be friends" women probably fall into both camps but he can't tell the difference and doesn't always read the signs eg if they only reply to his messages (rather than initiating) or are constantly too busy to meet up. But then he takes people at face value.

These are all really valid points that I'll reflect back to him.

I don't think he's indiscreet about past relationships - he's never been so with me - but because he never speaks badly of anyone and does speak warmly of past loves, maybe he gives the impression of not being over them. He is.

I was single when I met him. But he's my ex boyfriend's best friend so, no, I wouldn't have dated him for that reason. I do think he's an attractive man though. I enjoy his company and we speak for hours on the phone. I'm very fond of him. But that's how all his dates end up too!

My boyfriend really likes him too and thinks he's a handsome man!

If I saw him on a night out, he'd definitely catch my eye.

He does lack confidence though and maybe that comes across.

He's a great friend but I've only known him single so no idea what he's actually like as a boyfriend.

Age wise, he's pretty open. Mostly women in their 50s though.

What are his age parameters actually set to, though? What does ‘pretty open’ mean? It’s a pretty important factor and - as you seem to know a lot about this person - I’m assuming you’re aware.

As a former OLD user I found the following huge turn off's;

Being too cutesy, gushingly complementary or just plain desperate

Trying to be sexually 'different' or 'exciting' kink like behaviour when you really don't know them at all

Bragging about how much they earnt/how successful they were (usually grossly exaggerated)

Chopping and changing availability when you'd committed to something/meeting (shifty)

Lack of intelligent conversation or anything interesting

Stalkerish tendencies - trying to find me on social media/work

Sending selfies if themselves (sometimes in state of undress...)

I also went on a lot of dates with guys who were genuine, nice and perfectly dateable but just not for me