Reported H to Social services...now what?

[sleepingwiththeenemy]

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

Well done SWTE I am so happy for you

Hi. Well, believe it or not the file hasn't even been handed over to the police where I used to live (as the crime happened there it has to be dealt with by their police). The DC here rang me at the weekend to tell me that as the other police force wouldn't send anyone up here to collect it that they were now going to POST it recorded delivery!!!! The file contains such sensitive material that he has never known it to be posted before, it always has to go by hand but he said that's what they had requested and it's the only way it will get there in time to stop the civil action regarding contact. Anyway, he said that he was going to personally post it today, so at least I know that something will start moving again very soon. I know it's going to be ugly and heartbreaking but I need it all to be over so I can get on with my life.
On a nicer note, I got the keys to my house on Friday and spent the weekend cleaning it. I still have to clean all the walls etc so we can get on with painting etc, but it's exciting having this completely fresh start.
I also managed to buy a cooker on E Bay, and bunk beds for the girls so we're getting there.

Hi - I've only skimmed this but wanted to give you my support. I can't begin to imagine what you've gone through but you are an immensely brave woman.

One thing is bothering me though - you mention moving 250 miles away, and then something about "Moving North" (though now I can't find that post so maybe I imangined that). If your ex or a friend of his ever saw this could he work out roughly where you are from that? Please be careful.

Hi Hassled. No, he wouldn't be able to work out where I am as I have no connections to here at all (at least that he knows of.) Also, it doesn't really matter either way as the contact hearing has to be transferred to a court near DD2, so he will know what part of the country we are in anyway. I was desperate to keep our whereabouts secret from him, but it's not possible. However, the actual place and address can be withheld, and it's a pretty big place, so he won't really know from that.
I am going to ring another solicitor today too, as the one I saw was more interested in my divorce than the abuse, and she kept asking would I accept supervised access. Actually, no. If he's done what I believe he's done I don't want him within a thousand miles of DD2. I know it's a possibility but I will fight that to the death. It just seemed to me that she just wanted to reach a compromise before she's even read the case notes. And where my children are concerned there IS no compromise.

It all keeps getting more complicated. I called a new solicitor today, who tells me that I do not need legal aid in this case as it will be a police prosecution and it will be ExH who needs legal representation, not me. I'm very confused. Does that mean if it goes to court I will have to be cross examined etc with no solicitor to fight my corner????

Was she getting confused between the police court case of sexual abuse where you wouldn't need a solicitor as you wold only be a witnress (only - ha ha) and the custody court case?

Hi Titchy, yes I think the confusion has arisen because there are so many different things going on here. The contact hearing (civil) and divorce (civil), both of which I need a solicitor for. The abuse against my daughter (criminal) and also the abuse against me (criminal) both of which are police prosecutions (if it comes to that) for which, as you say, I would be a witness and therefore would not need a solicitor.
In a way that takes a lot of pressure off me, as in my mind I had 4 different cases going on, which was really sending my mind into overdrive, but in actual fact I have 'only' 2 as the police ones are pretty much out of my hands.
The social worker is coming to see me tomorrow, so I should get some idea of what to expect and how much social services will oppose contact (all the way I hope).
GOD this is confusing.

Just had confirmation that the files have been sent to the police who will be dealing with him, in the town we used to live in. They should have received it today, so wheels are in motion. No idea when he will be questioned, so am on tenterhooks. I'll call the DC in charge down there tomorrow andask him to explain what happens next and see if he can give me a timescale. But it's safe to say I am s*t*ng myself.

Hi, me again. Well, the solicitor failedto get the hearing transferred here, and the court refused her request that I be excused fromthe hearing so I have to attend next Tuesday! I have to do a 500 mile round trip, on my own knowing I have to face that dirty, filthy pervert of an ex. I will be a wreck as I will have to leave at 5am to make sure I'm there on time.
Hopefully the next and subsequent hearings will be here, as I don't have a car (am borrowing one for next week) and certainly can't afford the petrol as I'm a single Mum on benefits. The solicitor is applying for a residence order in my favour as he has threatened to abduct DD2, and a transfer of proceedings to a local court, and also that my address not be disclosed to him. It is also, I think, the first time he will be aware that there are allegations of sexual abuse by him. I am VERY worried that he will follow me home. I don't know what car he is driving now so I wouldn't really be able to tell if he's following me.
I have a barrister going down to represent me at the hearing; can he request that I leave before the ex, thus giving me a chance to get away?

Hi sleeping - I remember this thread. I'm glad to see you're still holding firm; it must be stressful and tiring.

What a shame about the hearing. Have you contacted Womens Aid or Refuge with the questions about your safety at the hearing (I seem to remember that you had some contact with Womens Aid before?) - they might have experience in these matters and be able to provide practical help and advice.

I was thinking also that there might be some MNetters in the town in which the hearing is being held who would be willing to offer you support on the day, and possibly help with the transport - but I can't think how we could organise this without you posting some details on here, which might not be safe.

Hi Policywonk...I'm ok for transport for the hearing next week - I've borrowed a car but it's future hearings that worry me. I have been told that it should be held at the court in the child's place of residence so hopefully this one will be a one-off. You're right...I don't want to post details on here re: towns etc as you never know who's reading.
My solicitor has requested a separate waiting room for me at the court so I don't have to see him until we are called in, but I don't know if there's anything anyone can do to stop him waiting around the corner afterwards and following me. Good idea about women's aid...Imight give them a call.
It is stressful and tiring, yes. My solicitor has estimated it'll take at least a year to conclude so I'm looking at a long haul.
On the plus side, I am busily decorating my new house. It's taking a lot of work, so at least I have other things to occupy my mind. Have completed the kitchen, bathroom, DS's room and just have to gloss DD's room. Then it's the living room and hall/stairs/landing to do. No mean feat on such a tight budget I can tell you. I had to sell everything I owned of any value on e bay, but have managed to buy new cooker/fridge freezer/bunk beds and a new bed for DS so am quite proud of myself. Just means I have nothing of any value (monetary) to my name, but what I do have is self esteem and satisfaction, and my 3 kids with me and safe.

How is your older daughter doing? Are you still working out?

Do let us know if there is something practical we can do. I wish I could think of a failsafe way of getting help and support to you.

Your daughter will be protected,my exe is abusive too,but not so severe,and ive learned his new gf has young kids,and its pushed me into counselling and medical help,ie pills.much love and support as i can send you,there is no hell like the one you have lived with for so long,and i wish you,and your children every ounce of best wishes i can muster,it will improve sweetheart,xx

It's just my biggest fear that they will grant him unsupervised access...or even supervised to be honest fills me with horror. How can I hand her over to the man who abused her? And thinks of her and looks at her in a sexual way? She says that she doesn't want to see her Daddy again as he always hurt her, and was horrible to her and her brother and sister and me.
Also, if he does get access, she may well inadvertantly tell him where we live as she knows the town we live in.
In a weird kind of way, although I am dreading it, I am also almost looking forward to next week, as I spent so many years looking down at the ground and being dominated by him, and now it is my opportunity to look him in the eye and let him see in my face how much I despise him and how much he disgusts me.
Policywonk Thanks for asking...my older DD seems to have settled down somewhat. We had a very pleasant few weeks following her last 'episode' but last week she was very confrontational again, although seemed to be managing it better as she didn't keep it up for hours. Her school called social services over what happened with the boys, but the school never told me which really upset me. I know if it was a problem at home they don't alert the family, but as the problem was outside I would have thought they would have involved me as her mother. The verbal gyp she was getting was getting worse at school, so I wrote a very strongly worded letter to the school and she called me and apologised for them not contacting me blah blah, and promised to sort it out. It certainly seems to have settled down for DD1, so maybe the school did their job, but we'll see. I'm still working out, yes! Althogh I haven't been for the last week and a half as I'm spending every spare minute decorating but I will certainly carry on going.
WAStyedye Sorry you had an abusive one...it's a bloody nightmare isn't it? I wouldn't be at all surprised if my ex has a new gf, and also wouldn't surprise me if she had kids which is a worry...not my place to worry I know, but he ruined his own kids' lives, my 2 older ones and will destroy DD2 if I let him. But if I was with a man who subsequently was accused of sexual abuse of a baby I'd kick him to the kerb without a second thought, so if he is in a relationship then I doubt it'll last much longer.
Looking forward to the bank holiday weekend...the court hearing will be behind me, and I'll be in my new house and the weather is supposed to be nice so although it'll be far from over I am going to relax, drink wine and chill.

So the contact hearing is the first, yes? Have you told your solicitor about your concerns re. abuse/abduction (sorry, this is probably a stupid question). Plus, your concern about your daughter giving away your location is surely very important. Surely the contact hearing should be delayed until the criminal case has been heard, when the allegations against him are so serious? Or, at the very least, contact must be closely supervised.

I think the problem is that he applied for a contact hearing in January...and it's taken the police this long to finish their investigations from my end...now it's been passed to the local police who have to watch the tapes, get medical files, contact the forces (he was in the army when we married), get the files from the military police (I had to call them out over his assault when I was pregnant...I subsequently lost that baby), and then once they've done that then they'll interview him. It'll take many more weeks yet. In the meantime the courts, him and his solicitor are unaware of this. As far as they are aware it is a straightforward contact case. I'm not sure if the courts will be informed prior to the hearing, but I am very worried about his reaction when he's told a) I've moved 200+ miles away and b) he is the subject of a sexual abuse/rape investigation against our daughter and also rape and assault against me. He'll go ballistic. He can't handle things being beyond his control at the best of times - and the thought of his downtrodden wife having the balls to leave her home, and take the children 200+ miles away and make a fresh start...find them new schools, a new house and a new life...all without him knowing...I don't think he'll take it well.
Yes, it's the first hearing - my solicitor knows all the details, including very intimate details of our sex life, his abuse, his threats of abduction etc. She has cited his threats as the reason my whereabouts must be kept quiet.

Do you feel confident that your solicitor is doing everything she can to keep you and the children safe? I know you said that she had a good reputation.

Will the judge/magistrate at the contact hearing be made aware of the police investigation against your ex?

I still think it's worth you contacting Women's Aid, outlining the situation and asking their advice. Just in case your solicitor has missed a trick somewhere along the line.

I'm fairly confident with the solicitor, yes. I wasn't, until I read the report she wrote which I think will be submitted to the court either before or on the day...she's a b**ch!!!!!I gave her pages of typed text listing a lot of the abuse and incidents, and she's re-written them in such a way that they are still absolutley true but very stark, and to the point and - to be honest - scary. Reading them back to myself was horrible, it was like reading about someone else. It's so very very weird that when you are with an abuser you are blinded to what is right and wrong...it's as if your feelings and emotions and cognitive ability is dulled to the point where you are almost non human. Even now, only 8 months out of it, I was shaking my head and thinking 'I'd never let anyone do that to me' and yet I did...over and over again!
The solicitor, by the way, was recommended to me by the local women's refuge - they use her for all their cases.
I don't know if the court will be aware yet of the case - if they don't know now they will on the day. God, I feel sick just thinking about it.

Regarding helping out sleeping on the court day, could all those who wanted to help CAT sleeping with their town, or another willing volunteer? Then she could see if anyone was nearby, but with no-one else knowing the town in question. Does that make sense?

That's a good idea suwoo. What do you think, sleeping?

Aaarrrgghh...my head is swimming. The police 'down there' called today to tell me that ExH is going to be arrested, either today if they can catch up with him, or tomorrow...certainly within the next couple of days. They asked could they question him about the rapes against me, as well as DD2, and I said absolutely...I have no need to protect him and he should be accountable for his actions. Filthy barsteward.
So I called the local DC, who says that the criminal investigation takes precedence over the civil contact hearing, and thus that should be postponed until the criminal case has been concluded, but my solicitor says I still have to go. Now, there is no way I want to drive a 500 mile round trip, just to be told it can't go ahead. Also I am now petrified of seeing him, knowing that he will have been arrested.
It gets more confusing...if he's bailed he won't be able to appear in the family court as the conditions of bail will be that he doesn't come into contact with me...if he's remanded he will be inside. If the police decide there is no case he will be free to appear and then I'll really be at risk!
However, surely the police can't just dismiss it as they have to access medical files, army records, refuge files, social services etc...?
I should have been painting at my new house today but have been in such a tizz that I haven't even picked up a paintbrush!
Also, my solicitor informs me that he will be aware of the allegations, as she sent some paperwork to his solicitor outlining the fact that DD2 has disclosed some details and that the police and social services are investigating!!! Talk about forewarning him!
God, I wish I'd just disappeared as I originally planned instead of trying to do things the 'right way'!

Also, the police told me that even if the civil courts gave him contact, they would oppose it until it's all over. The DC here said he will be the main witness to the allegations against DD2 as she talked at length with him about it, without prompting I hasten to add...just in the course of conversation, so that makes me feel a lot better as I feel I have a lot of support from him and he'll be crucial to the evidence.

Hey sleeping, I've only just seen this. I can see that it's going to be a pain to do a huge round-trip only to see the bastard and then turn round to come home again, but overall the news sounds good, particularly if the contact case is to be put off until after the criminal case is over. Your DC sounds great.

Let us know how you get on tomorrow. Have you spoken to the Women's Aid people about your specific concerns? I know you said that the solicitor was recommended by WA, but presumably she is too busy to sit down and talk through your worries in detail?

Hi, yes the DC is great...his involvement is effectively over as it's been passed to the local police down there, but he keeps me updated if he hears anything, and every time I ring to ask him anything I apologise profusely for disturbing him, and he always laughs and says I can call him any time day or night, so he's being a tower of strength.
Anyway, the DC down there called me yesterday afternoon and told me they had asked exH to come in today to ask him a few questions...once he is there he will be arrested. So it's definately going to kick off today. That's unless he does a runner
I've spoken to the refuge I stayed at - I asked them how much info they held on file as I may need to use them as a witness...the keyworker I had wasn't there but the other woman said she will call me once she's looked into it. I may call women's aid anyway today and speak to them about the whole thing in general. Might also call 'rights of women' today and speak to one of their solicitors about where I stand with the civil/criminal actions.
I'm back to waking up and throwing up again...haven't had that since he left. I have a stomach ulcer too, which most of the time doesn't bother me but it's killing me now on a daily basis.
God I need a holiday!!!

Sleeping my heart goes out to you and this will be extremely tough until it's all over but it will be worth it when he is behind bars.

This is the hardest bit now and when you get over it you will be able to relax for the 1st time in a long time. Good luck and I am thinking of you and your family always.

((hugs))