Reported H to Social services...now what?

[sleepingwiththeenemy]

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

Hi Laidback...again I'm in no doubt that this is a cry for help, or similar...but when I try and help her or reach her she just kicks me in the teeth. I've asked her what I can do to make things better or easier for her, or what I'm doing wrong to make her want to treat me like this...she says 'nothing'. That I'm not doing anything wrong at all. So what am I to do??? If she would tell me what she needs then at least I'd have some hope. All she wants is for meto allow her to stay out after school...presumably to go with these lads again, and I cannot allow that. If I won't do that for her then she won't give me the time of day.

She comes home smelling of smoke, although swears she isn't smoking herself...I suspect they shoplift (and I've even thought that she might be shoplifting herself as I have found empty chocolate wrappers etc in her bag when I know she doesn't have any money)There have also been a couple of instances when she has come home with things and explained it away by saying 'oh it was only a quid in the sale' when I know full well it wasn't only a quid. I don't drink, but after xmas there was some drink in the house...and after a row I found an empty glass in the kitchen with the dregs of avocaat in it...I mean it's hardly whisky I know, but it shows where her head is doesn't it? What's it going to be next? I've had booze, fags (possibly), sex, stealing (likely)...is it going to be drugs next?I'm terrified of what she's doing,not just to herself but to the rest of the family too.

And to add to my worries, she finished school today at 2.15 and it's now 3.30 and she's not home yet. I can only imagine what she's up to!

Oh God - it is a lot to cope with.

You both desperately need some counselling. Even if she starts off like a deaf mute - a good counsellor should be used to that and be able to get through it.

Am not sure what else you can do really. You must be terrified for her. She is hugely bottling something up and taking it out on you as she knows you will still love her.

I agree...I do need some counselling, if only to let off steam and say things that I wouldn't dream of saying to family. She came home at 3.45, so not pushing the boundaries too much there, although still an hour and half after school finished. I let it go, and have been - not exactly stand offish - but slightly detached. if she thinks I am on her back all the time she'll just pull further and further away so I'll try it this way. To be honest I have to pull back slightly emotionally, for my own sanity.

Sleeping - Sorry if I'm off beam here but I think I know you. If I'm right we finally met up just once in your old town last year? I've name changed as don't want to give away locations with my profile or link back to your old threads.

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through, this thread has reduced me to tears for you and your dds. You really are an amazing mother, your children are lucky to have you.

NFN...yep it's me!!!! How are your two gorgeous little girls? As you can see, things have gone from bad to worse; I thought when I finally got him out of the house things would settle down, but it's been a living hell. I'm a bag of nerves now, knowing that any time now the police will pick him up and question him. My phone rang today, number withheld, and when I picked it up whoever was on the other end hung up. Probably a genuine mistake, but I can't help worrying that it's him.
Anyway, really nice to hear from you again

Blimey this namechanging stuff is confusing me! I've not been on MN for a few months which is why I've only just seen this.

My girls are fine, thanks for asking, just waiting to hear about dd1's school place. Your phone call was probably one of those automatic dialler things, don't let it worry you.

I'm really glad to hear you've got a support network where you are, goodness knows you need it. If you were still local I'd be round with wine and (low fat) cake. Glad your dd1 turned up safe and sound, poor kid sounds like she's going through the mill, and dragging you through it at the same time. As someone else said she knows she's safe with you which is why she's pushing you, you've always come through for her in the past and you will do this time too.

LOL @ low fat cake NFN...it'd have to be! The one thing I am pretty proud of through all this cp is that since April last year I have lost 3 and a half stone, and gone from a size 20/22 to a size 14!!! I joined the local gym (the kickboxing was too much for me, lol) and go 3 or 4 times a week, DD2 goes into the creche which she loves and I have 2 hours of ME time...where I can pound my frustrations and anger out on the treadmill and weights. So after yesterday's session I went to buy a new gym t shirt, and bought a size 14 with the intention of fitting into it at somepoint, got home and tried it on and it fits!!! Yaaaayyyy!!!! When everything else is so out of my control, it's the one area of my life I can control if that makes sense.
As for DD, she has said that she doesn't want to come on holiday with us in August. We're going camping and she said she'd find it boring. At first I was annoyed, but actually when I think about it I am quite proud of her for speaking out, as it shows a degree of maturity in that she said she'd hate it and would therefore spoil it for everyone else. So she's going to my Mum's for a week, which may do her the world of good because it will be all attention on her, and she'll be spoilt rotten with no other hassles.
God, this parenting lark is so bloody hard!!!

Hi all, thought I'd update you on what's happening. Had an email from solicitor last week to say that ExH has engaged a solicitor to apply to the courts for a contact order. The this morning solicitor called to say that a date has been set for the first hearing, 29th April and that I needed to 'popin' and see himto sign papers. I told him I couldn't just 'pop in' as I am living 250 miles away. I've told him all this before, but like everything else he doesn't seem to listen. he then got REALLY shirty with me, said that in that case maybe I'd better get myself a new solicitor. I told him that I had specifically been advised by a solicitor to keep with him as that was ExH wouldn't know where I was. he wasn't interested at all, nor in the fact that this is a child protection case and not just a bitter divorce battle. So, in the end I called a solicitor up here, a very very good one specialising in child protection and domestic violence and she is going to request that the case be heard up here, but NOT in this county so he still won't know where I am exactly. It also means that I don't have to make an 8+ hour round journey every time there is a hearing.
I'm amazed that he has the gall to go through with this, knowing what he's done.
He also lied on the court papers...said that DD wasn't known to social services (she is), and that she has never been witness to or the subject of domestic violence or abuse (she has).
I'm actually feeling happier knowing it's coming up here, onto my territory if you like where I'm surrounded by friends. Also that something is happening, as the waiting is awful.

DD2 is also trying hard after a few really bad nights withher where she said she can think of no reason why I'm a good mother, and that she doesn't like me etc...but she told me yesterday that she had gone to her mentor at school and told her everything, which I thought was really brave of her and told her so, and that this teacher is going to speak to those concerned. She was having food thrown at her in the canteen and one boy was bribing her for money in return for not telling people what she'd done! Little barsteward.

Hi SWTE, it's great to hear from you, I think of you all every day. Great news about the court case and your new solicitor, she sounds like she'll kick ass, unlike the other dickhead, what is it with these people? They think the world revolves around their dusty little office when people are going through hell and back. Your ex is just going through the motions, he won't get anywhere, you have too much on record and they'll smell his bull as soon as it starts coming out of his mouth. You sound like you're doing great, I realy admire your strength, you could write a book, I know loads of people who'd buy it, your still an inspiration to me and others on here. Keep your chin up, and let us know how you're all doing. Take care xxxx

I often thibk of you and your family when I visit mumsnet, you still seem very strong and positive and your new soliciotr sounds much better than the last one.
Keep us updated and hang on in there, your are a truly amazing woman

Hi all again. Nothing really to report, but just wanted to say thanks for the continuing support. I'm feeling remarkably upbeat to be honest; I have truth on my side, so am not afraid of the court hearing. All I am doing is protecting my baby; well...all my children really, but he has no rights to my older 2 as they aren't his so it's primarily about my youngest. And also, because I want him to pay the consequences of the years of abuse he put us through. It's not bitterness, rather the realisation that he stole years of my life, and even worse took my children's childhoods and destroyed them. I can't get that time back so why the hell should he get away with it? Abusers must be made to pay.
I also firmly believe that my DD1's behaviour with the boys from school also stem from the ex. He 'sexualised' her from an early age, much younger than she should have been aware of herself in that way. From the age of 10/11 he made constant reference to her sexuality, her figure, the fact that men found her attractive...so he stole her innocence and for that he must be held accountable too. I am actually looking forward to standing up in court and being able to expose himfor the dirty, disgusting pervert that he is. DD1 told me the other day that he used to walk into the bathroom when she was in the shower, then he would do it again 5 minutes later. he had no reason whatsoever to be in that bathroom as we had an en suite in our room, and also a downstairs loo. It had a clear glass shower screen, and she said he was in no hurry to leave, even though she was screaming at him to get out. So it's clearly been going on subtly for a long long time.
Also, DD" asked me if Daddy had a moustache. I said no, why. She said something about remembering hair on her private parts when she was in the bathroom with Daddy. He didn't have a moustache, but did have a lot of stubble and at one point grew a beard, so I fear that he abused her orally too. It makes my skin crawl just thinking about it. So, further information is coming every day and it will all be documented and used in court.

Hi SWTE - glad you updated, I wondered how you were doing. Your new solicitor sounds like just what you need. Do you think you've turned a corner with dd1? Can't believe what you've said about your poor dd2, what a sick, sick b*stard your xp is.

NFN, yep, sick is what he is. I'll fight tooth and nail for this.
To be honest I have no idea whther I've turned a corner with DD1...I hope so but time will tell. She is certainly making a massive effort, giving me lots of cuddles and kisses. She's off school now for 2 weeks, so maybe give her time away from these kids to reflect, or appreciate the family life she has. Who knows?
I'm waiting to hear if we've been given a house up here. We put in for it last week, and normally they'd have told us today but because of the bank holiday (?) they won't tell people til Tuesday. I'm hoping to get one before this all goes to court, as although we are staying in nice house it will look better if we are settled in our own house. Instead of maybe just 'running away' it will be shown that I have started again, got us a house, new schools etc and am not just 'lodging' with someone. It will also show the lengths I have gone to to get away from him.

Why will your solicitor not apply to have the injunction extended? Because there is no proof of child abuse? Wow. I would have thought that while it was in the process of being proved, or if there was a chance of it your solicitor would at least try to get you an extension on the injunction.

Hi, I asked about extending the injunction in December, as you apparently have to do it in advance,not last minute. I only found out about the sexual abuse on xmas eve, by which time I had already fled. I also get the impression that my original solicitor just doesn't believe me. Fortunately my concerns are logged with NSPCC, and the solicitor and socialservices before ex applied for contact, so it can't be said that I am making this up to oppose the application IYSWIM?
Re: the injunction extension; when I asked my (now sacked) solicitor why I can't have it extended he said because ex had shown no signs of 'deteriorating behaviour', so I asked did that mean that on the date the injunction ran out was he free to move back in and beat me? he said in effect...yes. Nevermind the fact that when he lived in the house it got to the stage where I would take the kids into my roomand barricade the door so he couldn't get in to touch us. And that he repeatedly made threats that he would snatch DD2 and I'd never see her again. Or that he spent his evenings watching 'unsolved murder' documentaries on tv, showing how murderers get away with it. I'm talking 3 or 4 shows EVERY night.

Jeez, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know it's totally different because it wasn't to do with a child, but I realised how inadequate the laws are at protecting people when after my ex was physically aggresive to me for about the tenth time I left. I took the children to Ireland where my parents live. However, because I never reported any of the violence to the police, and because I removed the children from their habitual domicile I violated the terms of the hague convention and I am the criminal. Beggars belief, but there you go. I really hope that you find a way 'round this. You will. Mothers are like lionesses, and if you have to stand on your head and make a holy show of yourself, you know that she won't be left alone with him again. The rest is detail. It's exhausting, and you'd be better off channelling your energies into looking after yourself and your dd, but you'll find the way to do it. Does your little girl's Dad know that you know what he did in front of her? Perhaps he deludes himself, thinking that she's too young to remember. The shit people have to put up with is incredible. You sound strong. Thank G.

And so the trauma goes on. I went to see new solicitor on Tuesday, and she informs me that as I am 'co habiting' I will not be eligible for legal aid. Now, although I am staying with a friend, the relationship HAS deepened and we are now seeing each other BUT we're not living together as a couple IYSWIM? I am still essentially merely staying at his house until we can be rehoused. We don't share bills etc and as soon as we get a house me and the kids will move out and we will resume a 'normal' relationship. I feel she almost co-erced the information out of me, as I had already said I am a single Mum etc, and staying with a friend, and she asked very sweetly was he my boyfriend, and I said 'well, yes, sort of...I mean it's very early days but he has been a tower of strength' and then she said she won't represent me in court because I can't get legal aid and can't afford her private fees. This isn't something I can put on hold...ex has applied for a contact order hearing in my old county, 250 miles away at end April, and I need a solicitor to apply for the hearing to be transferred to a local court and to represent me but my hands are tied completely. She said I could always represent myself!!!!
I am expecting a house to be offered any day now. The local Housing Association has a nice one within walking distance from here and she said today we are number one on the list so have first refusal, but the man who deals with it isn't at work til next week so I have to wait til he comes back. The council have contacted me about a private rent house in a nicer part of town, but it wouldn't be 'mine' in the same way as a council/HA house would, as the landlord could decide to sell at any time and also I wouldn't be able to 'do' things to the house to make it ours IYSWIM? Also the housing officer isn't sure if the housing benefit would cover all the rent anyway so again I have to wait and see.
All this waiting and wondering and worrying is killing me!

Probably a stupid question, but can you get another solicitor in time? It's ridiculous that you should be left to represent yourself under these circumstances.
Good luck with the house - everything is crossed!

Pageturner...not a stupid question at all. I asked myself the same thing! Problem is, she now has all my papers, so I'd have to get them back, and she is supposed to be a child protection expert, which can only be good for me and the DC.
On the plus side, the housing association rang today and offered me the house I wanted! subject to conditions. I have to meet them tomorrow morning, have a look inside the house, show references and ID proof and income proof etc, and all being well hopefully I'll get the keys!We won't move in straight away as there are no carpets and it'll need a damn good scrub and decorating throughout so while that's going on we can stay here. But the important thing is I can then go back to solicitor and say 'actually I am a single Mum, I don't co habit and here's my address.
So fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Hi SWTE, glad things are finally getting sorted for you, good luck for tomorrow.

Hopefully when you go in with your new address this solicitor will start sorting things out for you.

So glad things are sounding more positive! Everything's still crossed!

Yay...I got the house! I pick up the keys on Friday . That means that I can go back to the solicitor next week and get legal aid and I can fight this of a man with proper representation.
I'm so proud of myself with what I've achieved so far. I've upped and fled the DV, packed up my house, moved 250 miles away, got the kids into good schools where they're happy, and I've also got us a nice 3 bedroomed house. Once the court case is all over, I can also go about restarting my business again.
The house will need a lot of work - there are no carpets and it all needs redecorating, the garden is a tip, there's no shower...but it's MINE!!!!