Reported H to Social services...now what?

[sleepingwiththeenemy]

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

Hi all. Well, my solicitor managed to get me excused from the hearing on Tuesday, due to the fact that I'm a single Mum on benefits, no car and no way I can afford the petrol to go down there. The judge granted my absence on the condition that I am available on the phone should he need to speak to me. My barrister is still going down there, so I'll be on tenterhooks all day.
Of course that all depends on the outcome of today's arrest. I am still waiting to hear if exH has been arrested or not, as they were supposed to be doing that today. They said they'll call when they have some news but heard nothing as yet. It's been agony.

Good news sleeping - you must be relieved about that. Let us know when you hear what happened today.

Sleeping thats good you don't have to travel 500 miles in a round trip. Have a nice glass of wine to night and try to relax.

Sorry I've only just seen this (I don't Mn so much anymore) if there's anything I can do please let me know. If you do have to come down to this part of the country you can stay with me if you need to. Do you still have my e-mail? Has your mobile no changed?

If you need anything just ask (I mean it!)

Hi NFN...how are you???I was talking to DD2 this morning, and she remembers when we went for coffee in town, bless her. Is all ok with your brood?
Well, for now I don't have to go down for the case, and the family proceedings should be transferred but if the other case goes to court it will be down there, so if it's ok with you I will definately take you up on your offer.
My mobile number is the same still; I don't have yours anymore as once again, when I was trying to save all my numbers from SIM to phone it deleted them all! You'd think I'd learn wouldn't you? lol
I still haven't heard from the police about his arrest, which is driving me mad. I'll let you know as soon as I know anything.
Take care

Aww, that's sweet, probably down to the chocolate I think! My 2 are doing well thanks for asking, dd1 has a place at the school we wanted, dd2 not quite walking yet but is working on it.

You're more than welcome to stay if you need to, I'll text you so you have my number again.

I've added this thread to my watch list so won't miss any updates, hope you hear about the arrest soon, you must be on pins.

Well, it's Monday morning and STILL no news! he was due to be arrested Friday, and I've spent all weekend on edge waiting to find out what happened, if he WAS arrested, if he's being charged, if he's got bail or been remanded or just let out! I've left messages with the police, but still no word.
The DC up here (bless him, he mist think I'm a stalker!) said that it's normal not to hear anything yet; that with allegations this serious it could have taken a LONG time to question him, and that I should hear today. he also said it's really good news that they are taking the child abuse seriously and want to question him about it, as due to her age it's a dodgy area and unless the evidence is sufficient it wouldn't stick, but the fact that they are going to go after him on that charge as well as the rapes against me is good news.
I'm so tired...I've spent nearly every waking hour at my new house decorating; have got the carpets being fitted Wednesday so have to have the painting finished by tomorrow night, and also try and paper by then. So am off there now to get stuck in. Will let you know if I hear anything today.

hello sleepingwiththeenemy,

i just wanted to write and tell you how brave you are. i wish you and your dc's all the best in the world. this man deserves to be locked away for what he has done. i am so for you all.

well done for picking yourself up and being so strong. i hope everything goes your way x

Hi SWTE.

You are doing so well. And are so strong. It probably doesn't feel like it but it definitely comes across.

I hope they lock him up and throw away the key.

Hope you hear something soon. How's your dd1?

Well, he was arrested on Friday and bailed pending further enquiries. Apparently he denied everything (as expected) and triedto turn it around on me 'she liked it rough', 'she wanted anal sex' etc...however the police said they know for sure he's lying and they will prove it so now they are collating evidence and he is to return beginning of June for further questioning. He also denied the abuse against DD2, again as expected, although admitted taking her into the bathroom with him, but said the door was always unlocked.
The weirdest thing happened though yetserday morning.My phone rang, and it was an automated Lloyds bank message, for HIM, saying that they are concerned about the level of increased activity on his account and could he confirm the last 2 transactions. he has given MY phone number for his account, and is withdrawing a lot of money. I told the police, in case he's planning on doing a runner.
It's the civil hearing today, so I have to be on the end of a phone in case they need to speak to me. The barrister went down yesterday, but not sure whether it will go ahead now. I'm waiting for my solicitor to call and let me know because I know she spoke to his solicitor yesterday.
I'll let you know.
NFN...DD1 is ok thanks. A bit up and down but a bit calmer thanks.

I read this thread from start to finish yesterday and couldn't stop thinking about it for the rest of the evening. It is undoubtedly the most inspirational piece of writing I have read for a very long time. I have the utmost respect for the OP, as does everyone else who has been in this thread.

Sleepingwiththeenemy, you are a true credit to yourself, and to your family, and I for one feel truely inspired by the strength and unwaivering commitment to your family that you have shown throughout. I have no doubt that through all your hard work with the police you will get some sort of justice for yourself and for your LO.

thinking of you and your family,i agree wholeheartedly with lollipopmother.xxxxx

Thanks but if you'd seen me yesterday you wouldn't have thought I was strong! I was painting my house whilst the case was being heard, and it was hell, knowing my baby's future was being discussed without me there to hear it. I was so distracted I knocked a full tin of paint all over the floor, and burst into tears! I was very tearful all day.
Anyway, his solicitor tried to get my barrister to agree to supervised contact, and failing that she wanted indirect contact i.e letters, cards etc...I said no way. Until this is all sorted out I don't even want him thinking about DD, let alone sending her ' miss you' cards and presents, trying to worm his way back into her affections. At the moment she says that she doesn't want to see him, and that he was always horrible to her, me and the other children. But a 3 year old would easily be 'groomed' with presents. It makesme sick to think that he wants any contact with her.
Anyhoo...the barrister refused, and requested that the proceedings be transferred up here, and that no contact should even be thought about until June, when we'll know if the police are going to chharge him or not. If they do we're home and dry, but if not then the battle continues. But at least for a few weeks I have some sort of breathing space. I need it too, as I am moving into my new house tomorrow and need to just be able to relax (if that's possible).
Had another strange phone call today; some bloke asking if I had a mortgage...I said no and I wasn't interested in whatever he was selling, so he then kept asking where I lived, if I was living with someone else etc...he got really narked when I refused any info. Coincidence, or ex trying to find out where I am? Not that far fetched as the police told me they didn't impose any bail conditions on him!!!!! H is actually free to come and find me and now he knows I am in the North West it narrows it down somewhat. I've even had to refuse permission for the school to use the children's photos for publicity/website/media etc in case he starts to try and trace them through schools in the area.
But, I have to just keep on smiling and plod on, and hope that this time next year life will be very different for us!
Thanks so much for all your messages of support so far, they really do help.
x

Hi Sleeping. Just texted you so you have my number again. Glad your barrister refused the contact, breathing space for you all as you say. V spooky phonecall, have you told the police?

btw, my parents are in the northwest, if you need any practical help I'm sure they'll do all they can - diy, man with a van type stuff.

(Did you just text me back? Am paranoid I've got the wrong number or something)

Hi Sleeping. I have been following your story for a while now and just wanted to say that I think you are a very brave and strong woman! You know you are doing the right thing and hopefully justice will be served on your ex!

I am also very happy to hear that contact has not been allowed, I actually think he has a cheek in trying to gain access after what he has done!

Is there any chance you could change your number so that he has absolutely no way of tracing you?

Hi all

Just a quick update. Police called today, and asked for names and details of anyone I told about the abuse. I didn't tell many people to be honest (not in RL anyway!) but I know I confided in my sister (in Oz), an old old friend in Iraq, a girl I met in the refuge and my oldest friend from school. Not all of it, but enough to know that I haven't made up the abuse to stop him seeing DD as I told them months, even a year ago.

He's calling me on Monday to get numbers etc, and then we'll take it from there. A couple of people I know I told have made excuses as they don't want to be involved - I don't understand it really as this is about a man who abuses women and children and surely men like him should be taken off the streets. But each to their own I guess.

Anyway, I'd better go. Take care everyone.

I couldn't not post even if it's just to say what a courageous woman you are. A better example to your children I could not think of. x

How disappointing about your friends, are they afraid of him??

How's the new house?

Hiya, just a quickie whilst I am at friend's internet. No, they'renot scared of him I don't think - I just think they don't want to get involved, or can't be bothered. It's fine to be honest...after all this is over I will be able to weed out the true friends and discard the negative ones. I've spent so long around people who bring me down that I am going to have a major overhaul of my life and only surround myself with positive people who genuinely care
House is fab, not finished yet but looking nice and feeling like home.
Anyway, must dash. Take care x

Hi - Just talked to my Mum and Dad, they are more than happy to help in any capacity they can, give me a shout if there's anything you can think of - we mean it!

Hi sleeping - just wondered how things are going?

Sleepingwiththeenemy - I've just spent the last 45 minutes going through this thread and wanted to let you know what a courageous, amazing, determinated lioness of a mother you are. You are simply amazing and you should remember that. Good luck with everything.

Hi everyone

Just thought I'd give you an overdue update on our situation.

The police investigation is coming to an end. Ex was arrested, and bailed pending further enquiries. he's been re-bailed twice more, and is due back at the police station on Friday where hopefully he will be charged (if the CPS allow). The police seem to have dug up a lot of info on him, and have enlisted many people to give evidence etc, including his first wife who at first was terrified of giving a statement. His daughter has also given a statement against him (he messed up both of his kids from his first marriage). There is also something going on regarding facebook which the police have gotten hold of.

There was a hearing for contact last month. I went to court with my barrister and solicitor but was saved the trauma of seeing him, as the barrister pleaded fear on my behalf. It was adjourned because of the criminal investigation, but they have now re-set the date for 23rd July, which should be enough time to find out if he is being charged. If he is, then I'm home and dry as one of the conditions of bail will be that he can have no contact with me or the kids, which makes seeing me in court and asking for contact with LO impossible.

Unfortunately I have fallen out with my mum (again) as I asked her for a statement as they are wanting to charge him with cruelty against my older 2 children. She saw some of it, but she refused. She doesn't like police!!!!! I am so angry with her - no not angry, more disillusioned.But I cannot afford to waste my emotions on people who are not fighting my corner.

It's been a horrendous time. For the first time in my life I am now on anti depressants. Not because of depression (I don't think) but just that I was in such a high state of anxiety that I felt like I was drowning. I think it was when I broke down in the doctor's office, sobbing, and told him I felt like a big black woolly blanket was covering me and I couldn't get it off that he hastily wrote out the prescription, lol. Anyway, I was mortified that I was being given ADs, but in fact they have been a lifesaver, because I can feel myself levelling out now. I also had a drastic haircut last week...I went from past shoulder length hair to am elfin crop! lol...the hairdresser thought I was mad but it's soooo nice. I feel like a different person. But to me it's more than a haircut...it's a statement that I'm starting to take back control of my life; new life new hairstyle kind of thing.

So, I'm asking all of you to send some positive vibes our way, for me and my 3 wonderful kids, to get justice and have him charged, locked up and out of our lives!

Thanks again for all your support. x