Reported H to Social services...now what?

[sleepingwiththeenemy]

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

Well done, SWTE.

I've been following your thread but not posted before. Just wanted you to know that there will be so many reading this and sending you love and positive thoughts.

You are a brave woman and a wonderful mother.

xxx.

Well done SWTE. You are such a stong women. Stay positive and hope all goes well tomorrow for your kids.

No words could ever explain how amazing you are.

So are you going to take us up on the offer for the martial arts. As you can tell I don't give up easily.

Well done SWTE. I too have been following your thread but haven't posted. Am full of admiration at your strength and determination.

everyone has already spoken on what kind of woman you are.

stay strong and positive

Hi all. The kids didn't have their interview yet...they were at their Dad's (first marriage) and they stayed an extra night as the ceiling at my friends house, where we're staying, collapsed from a leaking bath!!! It took both of us 2 days to sort it out, so it was better for the kids to stay an extra night.Plus I've been pretty ill and couldn't face the 300 mile journey yesterday. Anyway, I called the detective and he said it was fine.,..that he would probably have had to cancel anyway as he was due in Crown Court unexpectedly. He's going to reschedule.
Anyway, for a while at least things should settle down a bit and not before time; I am long overdue a bit of 'boringness'!!!!

God if it's not one thing it's another for you. Well at least the kids are safe and happy.

I really want to help you with your martial arts. You need to do something for you. Please accept peoples help. You would do the same for another mumnetter. Wouldn't you?

After reading this thread, i am so pleased that mumsnet exists to provide space and support for people going through difficult times.

I'm in shock at your horrific story.
Well done on having the energy and strength to deal with it all.

I truly hope that you have your "boringness" soon.

Lots of hugs and best wishes for a very peaceful and calm future for you and your children.

omg no advice just sorry for what you have been through and are going through xxxxx

OH. MY. GOD!!!!!! I decided to take the plunge last night, and go along to the local sports centre and have a free kickboxing trial lesson. I have never done anything so physically hard in my life! It was sooooo tough that I excused myself half way through, nipped to the loos and threw up! It was advertised as a ladies fitness kickboxing class,and my God will it get you fit! I was worried that it'd be too much fitness and not enough kickboxing, but was it hell....by the end of the session my body had completely given up on me, and today my legs and arms don't belong to my brain!
BUT...in a weird, warped masochistic way I enjoyed it. The boxing was particularly therapeutic. My partner had to wear pads, and I had to punch them and I'm telling you, my ex's lousy face was splattered all over them!
I'm supposed to go back tomorrow night for another free session and then have to decide whether I want to continue...bit worrying that he wouldn't tell me how much it is! But I'll go along,and see what the score is...I kind of figure you can't put a price on fitness and being able to look after yourself; well someone in my situation can't anyway. Also it's great for sharpening the mind and keeping you focused.
Otherwise all is calm ...have heard nothing from police or ex or solicitor...I know it's the calm before the storm but I'm just enjoying it for as long as it lasts.

Glad you enjoyed yourself. Am pleased you didn't miss any of the protective pads - sounds like you knocked seven bells out of them. Keep going to the kick-boxing if you can.

Whooo hooo - you go girl

Terrific! The instructor might have to wear extra padding when you are the student! NOW can we put a little money into your paypal account to help pay for lessons? I can't personally kick ex in the butt but I can enable you to!

Bl0ody good for you!

Be very proud of yourself- we are!

I was mamasara. Good on you SWTE, I am glad your doing something for yourself.

Just wondering how things are SWTE?

Hven't been on line for ages but glad to know all is going well for you right now. Stay positive.

SWTE- I have followed your thread and echo others in saying what an increibly brave and strong woman you are.
I was abused as a young child, my parent knew but it was brushed under the carpet and has never been mentioned again, so I absoulutely commend you for what you are doing
xx

Hi,haven't been able to get on here for ages, hence the silence. Well, the kids had their interviews, so it's all in the hands of the police now. I can only go with what happens.
More problems now though; God, when will it end? My DD, aged 13, is becoming impossible to live with and I'm at my wits end. She has been 'putting it about' at school, earnt herslef a reputation...she has been going off with 2 boys after school and letting them BOTH at the same time, grope her...in her words 'finger her'. And her boobs too. The problem is that she sees no wrong in this at all. I tried to stay calm, even though I was absolutely dying inside, but she said 'what's the big deal...it's just a laugh'!!!! I'm horrified. It's not just happened once either, it's been ongoing for a couple of weeks. Last weekend, before I found out, her behaviour got so bad at home that I took her to her Dad's 150 miles away, as I couldn't cope with her. She was being violent towards the other kids, shouting, screaming...she's just awful. So I took her there and asked him to try and talk some sense into her. he didn't of course, said he can't switch being a father on and off to suit me! So I brought her home after 5 days, because he and his gf were still going to work and leaving her alone for 12 hours a day. I wanted him to take a few days off work to be with her. Now I realise that the only thing she was missing here was the 2 boys and the things they were doing to her. She came back amid promises of towing the line etc, but nothing has changed, she's tearing the family apart. I can't concentrate on the 2 younger kids, and the friend we're staying with has become more of a friend , but despite DD knowing he's the best thing that has ever happened to us, she is going to break us up.
I have to run now, so can't go into more detail at the mo, but will be back on later.

Hi SWTE, good to hear from you.

Now, this is just idle speculation, but I think maybe you need to have another chat with your older DD and ask her again if anyone molested her. I understand that your relationship is strained right now, but you'll need to do your best to make her feel safe and trusted when you ask her. It's very common for women and girls who have been abused to become promiscuous and TBH, given what happened to your DD2 and your older DD's current behaviour it seems quite likely that she's not telling you something. Could she be trying to protect you? She certainly sounds very angry at you about something.

Alternatively, she could just be acting out because she's working out the trauma of living in an abusive household. It's taken me 10 years to finally start addressing and working through the emotional impact of growing up in an abusive household, do not underestimate how hard it was for her.

Perhaps it would be helpful for all of your family if you tried out some family therapy? I imagine that whilst you were in an abusive relationship the only person whose needs were really addressed was your X, am I right? You probably have a backlog of family issues that could do with an airing. If nothing else, therapy might help your relationship with your oldest DD.

Either way, I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now. Good to hear that you're geeting on better with your friend though!

Bloody hell - if things weren't difficult enough for you

I'm sure there will be some good advice from the other ladies on how you can cope with your DD. Mine is only 9 months old so my issues with sleep, weaning etc..haven't really prepared me to be much use to you in the advice department

Thinking of you though
xx

Hi, sorry had to rush off before. Ok...I'm in no doubt that the abuse which happened in the household has affected DD, it's affected us all. TBH I thought it hadn't really affected me but now I'm away from the abuse and can see what a normal healthy relationship is like, it's hitting home big time. The problem is, DD has always been a difficult girl, right from the age of about 5. The wholefamily has always had to tiptoe around her in case we upset her and she had a strop which would then affect all of us. Obviously it's got worse now she's a teenager and the hormones have kicked in. But this is WAY above normal teenage rebellion. I've tried and tried to get through to her, hugging her when she's kicking out, telling her I love her and she's beautiful and special but it's almost as if she gets pleasure from hurting me. No,not almost...she clearly DOES get pleasure from it and I just don't think I can handle it, on top of everything else.
Of course I've considered whether or not she suffered abuse herself. I've asked her many times, and always the answer is no. In her last school, before we fled up here, her headmistress phoned me one day to tell me DD was pregnant...she was 12 at the time. Of course she wasn't, she just told people she was! I know, it's screaming 'desperate for attention'...but she DOES get attention, lots of it. But lately it's all negative attention as she is doing nothing at all to warrant positive attention. Believe me, I have tried, but as soon as I say or do anything she's sneering at me, or shouting at me. If I cuddle her she pushes me away. I've suggested to her that we go to the gp and see who he can recommend for us to talk to; she again laughs in my face and says she'll just sit there like a deaf mute.
It's all taking a massive toll on my health. I have had a stomach ulcer for years, and lately I've been vomiting blood. This doesn't bode well at all. If things calm down it should be ok, and settle again. But I dread to think what'll happen if it's a bleeding ulcer and keeps getting worse.
I havent told her Dad what's been happening - I don't think he'll want to know but I think he should know. I'm really really at the end of my tether.

I would go with the GP for referral to counselling or family therapy route even if she does sit there like a deaf mute, TBH. It can't be an uncommon attitude for teenagers to take in counselling so the therapist ought to be experienced in dealing with it.

Yes, I think that's what I'll do. I think I'll go and see the GP alone first, and see what they say and then if they think it appropriate take DD to see him/her.
I just called the NSPCC, who suggested counselling, and also ignoring DD when she shouts at me, or speaks uncivilly...I can see how that works but TBH I think she might be way past that stage- worth a go though but it's not going to solve the problem of her and these boys.
I know she has problems dealing with what's happened - although I did everything I could to protect the kids from most of it and bore the brunt of it myself - but sometimes I feel like screaming 'WHAT ABOUT ME??????' I've been through an abusive marriage, during which I was raped (didn't even acknowledge it til the police made me face the fact), fled to a refuge, left my home behind,and most of my belongings, had to uproot the kids from their schools, moved to a new city hundreds of miles away, found out my baby daughter was also raped by her father at the age of 2, am faced with my eldest daughter's promiscuous behaviour and spend at least half an hour a day in tears because of her behaviour towards me, am worried she will start self harming or worse, or will end up pregnant...but all attention is on DD while I'm struggling to cope with even breathing! Surely to God there comes a saturation point, when I physically, mentally and emotionally simply cannot absorb anymore and will just crack up? Sometimes it feels as if the walls are closing in on me, or I'm drowning. I know that sounds self pitying and selfish, but there you have it. I don't have anyone else to talk to about it really.

And I feel guilty as hell because I couldn't stop it happening.

Sleeping - I have read this thread and feel very sad for you and your family. Your whole family seems to have expereinced a series of traumatic events relating to the relationship with your Ex and the subsequent separation.

One thing I would say is that even when, as parents, we feel that we have protected our children and shielded them from the worst of things - they have often experienced a sense of everything that is going on. It looks to me that your daughter is just trying to show you that she is not OK. This can appear to be attention seeking but in my experience this sort of desperate sexualised behaviour can often be a attempt to seek love through sexual approval or a unconscious wish for a parent to step in a lay down some really firm boundaries.

If she would go and speak to someone it might help you both - but I know in these circumstances everyone is holding on to their own hurt so badly it's hard to let it out.