Reported H to Social services...now what?

[sleepingwiththeenemy]

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

.

Aaarrgghh...I can't believe after all this time I have to keep repeating the whole thing to people over and over again. I got 'summoned' to the letting agents yesterday for an explanation as to why the police have requested such large measures for making the house safe.
I asked what the police had told her, she said nothing...just that they wanted x amount of work doing to make the house safe. True to the DV officers word he told them absolutely nothing. So I said 'well, I'm not going to tell you anything either, just suffice to say that the police deem the situation serious enough to want security measures in place.' She wouldn't accept this, said she needed something to go to the landlord with, so I said 'Right, my ex husband has tracked me down. i'm saying no more'. I'm kicking myself that I even told her that much, but it's so hard when you are sitting across a desk from someone who is just staring at you, waiting for answers. DP said I should have said that my Colombian drug baron ex boss has found me.

More worryingly, last night when I was in bed I had my eyes closed and there was a flash from outside, so bright that I saw it through my closed eyes IYSWIM? I opened my eyes, and a minute later it went again, a bright white flash of light. There was movement and noise outside and then it stopped. It seemed to me that it was either a camera flash or a torch, neither of which is normal at 11pm.
Now, my neighbour shares a courtyard garden with us, and he does do strange things...he is bi-polar and does have strange episodes at odd times, but usually it is just shouting and swearing. I was half asleep when it happened and half wondered if I was dreaming.
This morning I had forgotten all about it until DS said that DD1 had scared him in the night, texting him and asking could he hear all the noise and see the lights in the garden. He had come downstairs to check, bless him...he didn't even come to wake me. All the locks and chains were on the doors, and there was nothing to see in the garden. But when I spoke to DD1 this morning she said she was sure she could hear the doors being tried.

So...I am going to go round to see my neighbour (who is a lovely man btw) and ask him if he was in the garden last night doing whatever with a light, and if not then I'm going to report it to the police, which I really should have done last night.

God, when will this end?

Bloody hell, it's exhausting when all your senses are on constant high alert. I'm glad DS and DD1 are old enough to be strong allies. Hope it goes well today with the police (assuming it wasn't just your neighbour). Thinking of you x.

That is very worrying sleeping, you must phone the Police asap.

Re: the school, speak with your dd's class teacher and any teaching assistants as well as the head (who is a complete numpty, can't believe the comment wtaf??!!!), that way you know they know that they know.

Given th HM's ridiculous response, is it worth notifying the Chairof Goveners?

I just spoke to my neighbour, it was him in the garden taking photos of the church tower with his mates! So that's one less panic for me to deal with.

seabright the problem with that is that we live in a village, and villages are well known for gossip. Most of the school governors are local parents and I really don't want DD2 known as a victim of abuse any more than is absolutely necessary. Does that make sense?

stitch DD2's class teacher was in on the first meeting with myself and the head so knows what's going on. And she said she would let the TA's know, not the details but just not to let her leave with anyone but us.

Oh, that's good news!

That is good news on both fronts sleeping.

It must be so exhausting to be living so on edge all the time. Is there any way you could get a break away with DP and the kids, at Easter even for a few days?

I hav just spent all morning reading both of your thread. I can not believe what you have gone through! I have had my heart in my mouth most of the time. You really have been through the mill.

I have nothing helpful to add here, but fucking hell OP - you and your kids are bloody amazing!

I'm completely in awe of the way you have handled this situation, the way you've comped is extraordinary - you're one strong woman. Your kids are very very lucky to have you as a mother.

I've read through your threads in tears.

Hats off to you.

Stitch My older DCs are going to their Dad's for a couple of days over easter so I could possibly go away with DP and DD2. I had a horrible dream last night; I dreamt that I had cigarette burns all over my nether regions...it was so vivid that I had to check when I woke. I guess it is because the whole abuse thing has been forced to the front of my mind again. I'm not sleeping well, so the constant alertness coupled with not sleeping is taking it's toll.

Eggs Sadly I fear we have a long way to go before this is over.

Queenofcats thankyou for your kind words. I'm really not that strong, I often break down, even driving to Tesco the other day my eyes filled up for no reason. The kids really are amazing though, they have coped and adapted and come through this so well balanced, loving and affectionate. We've had our problems together, as most families with teenagers do, but I am very proud of them all.

x

Keep strong op. We're here for you. Keep posting if only to keep your sanity and wits about you. The advice and support given already is absolutely first class.

We really are behind you every step of the way.

Frankspenser thanks, it really does help me keep my sanity posting on here, and saves those around me (DP and DC) from having to listen to me trying to gather my thoughts into some kind of order.

I have just heard back from the letting agent that the landlord has agreed all the security measures, which surprised me as I thought they might oppose at least some of them, given that this is a listed building. So now the police have permission they should move pretty fast apparently. And you know what? Even the thought of having workmen here rather than being on my own is comforting, and empty house is a scary house at the moment.

That's good news. :)

At some point you'll be able to relax.

Sleeping are you receiving any counselling currently, it really sounds as though you could do with talking to someone face to face on a regular basis. Somewhere safe you can offload to help you keep fighting. A whole gamut of memories, fears and worries are bound to be resurfacing atm. That dream must have been incredibly scary.

It is very exhausting. Completely different situation, but when I was pregnant with dd2 we were the victims of severe anti-social behaviour (death threats part of it). While we were waiting for our move to happen, my mum paid for a caravan for us for a week. It was great to get away, feel safer, laugh again, see dd1 happy. I think you could really do with something like that now, to offer a bit of respite.

Oh and brilliant news about the landlord agreeing the safety measures.

Marvellous news about getting the safety measures put in!

God, sleeping. The attitude of the people around you is breathtaking. The headmaster thinks you should have a nice grown-up chat with the man who sexually abused your 3 year old daughter? I think he needs reporting for that conversation to be honest - his safeguarding training seems to have fallen on stony ground.

Estate agent was bang out of order as well, almost fishing for gossip. If my agency phoned me and said the tenants say the police say they need to come and build Fort Knox inside the premises, I might insist on speaking to the police to confirm that they were indeed saying this, but not to find out why.

As to the neighbour - the last thing you need. But at least you can now reasonably assume any bit of late night madness may just be him and doesn't definitely indicate your ex is lurking.

Tribpot yes, that's what he thought we should do...and that is why I was stunned into silence. Not only did he abuse DD2, for which I would like to see him swing by the neck, but he also raped me several times. Imagine sitting in a room with him?

Letting agent just called; I didn't answer as I am in the middle of baking, but I really don't want to get into this any further with them. I had an email to say it had all been approved and the police had been told this, so I don't see what further info gossip I need to give them.

To be fair to the neighbour, he had no idea what was going on so probably didn't think he was doing anything wrong. He's a really lovely bloke, and I told him earlier the gist of what's going on and he apologised profusely for scaring me. I figured if I told him it's an extra pair of eyes looking out for me.

Stitch No, I have never had counselling. I have often wanted to but have never been offered. My GP when we were up north said I would benefit from it but not til it was all over. Then we moved, it was over (as far as I thought) and tbh I wanted to try and forget the whole thing. I was thinking of upping my anti depressants but I was trying to wean off them when this all happened, and I'm loathe to go up to a higher dose again if I can help it.

God Sleeping I have just read your posts from start to finish and could cry it reads like a movie, I am appalled that your case was dropped.

Stay strong, you are a wonderful mother

sleeping - yes, sorry, I didn't mean to minimise your own suffering. But even the biggest idiot of a headteacher who might have thought there could be 'two sides of the story' in your abuse at the hands of your ex could surely not believe that in the case of the abuse of a child.

No sleeping, it may not be the end of it yet. But until that moment comes we are all here for you.

tribpot no...I didn't think you were minimising my abuse at all! I've just written so much about this that I'm not even sure if the whole story is on the thread, so was just saying that who in their right minds would think a rapist should sit with their victim and 'chat', let alone the mother of an abused child with her abuser?

Slept ok last night; very strange dream that I joined the RAF?!?! All the security work is being done on Monday, and I'm hoping that it will be a peaceful weekend.

x

sleepingwiththeenemy - you keep saying you're not strong because you 'break down' etc, that's bull! Strength doesn't mean you're not affected by what's happening, nor does it mean that doing what is necessary is easy. Strength means you fight like hell to keep/re-build you're life in spite of how hard/relentless/distressing it is (and how many times you have to do it).

You are strong, you are brave and you most certainly are an amazing example to your children. You have done everything you can to protect them, you have more than earned the right to the tears. Think of them as releasing a pressure valve, they don't make you weak...they are a release mechanism that allows you to carry on.