Reported H to Social services...now what?

[sleepingwiththeenemy]

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

Hello lovely big hugs from me xxx

Hello all

Well it seems I was spooked by nothing more than a virus, so not hacked as such, well at least not by anyone sinister. God my nerves are shredded!

Lots has happened here - I had a meeting with the domestic violence worker and a DV officer requested to be allowed to sit in on the meeting. It was very emotional, I cried, told them my fears and it was so lovely to be taken seriously and not to be made to feel paranoid.

The upshot of it all is that HE doesn't yet know my address, his solicitor does but they have not passed it on to him. The DV officer called them and told them they are not to disclose it but he was told that they are legally obliged to if requested. He put it in writing that we are at high risk of harm if it is ever made known to HIM and it will go on the file but I don't feel that it will be withheld indefinitely.

SO...the same DV officer came to my house yesterday and they have issued me with a handset which connects immediately to 999, I have to keep it on and charged all the time. They are also talking about putting in a 'safe room', one that once locked can't be opened and the police, fire dept and ambulance all hold a key. They have to speak to my landlord about it.

I have also been found a solicitor and am going to see her tomorrow and after that I have the police and fire dept coming to the house...the police are going to check on the safety of the house, and see if they can do anything to make it safer (alarms etc), and the fire dept will check smoke alarms and will probably also seal my letterbox as they are worried about the risk of him torching the house.

It's all very surreal. It's very reassuring that so many people are protecting us but at the same time it's worrying as they obviously perceive there to be a very real threat.

It makes me wonder if they know more about him than I do...

Oh, and it seems we were found by a private investigator. Gives me the creeps.

x

wow.

well firstly i'm really glad that you have the police backup now. but bloody worrying about the pi.

you are so on top of things. i remember your threads from when you were still living with this arsehole. you've come such an unbelievably long way and have such strength.

hang in there.

Wow just wow! How Fab that all those things will be done ?but equally how worrying.

It does sound like they know more about him than you do. Not happy with his sols response of will give address if asked, can't you get some sort of injuction to stop them?

Crikey. Glad he hasn't hacked you. And great that you are being taken so seriously by police etc but bloody terrifying at the same time.

Who was the pi hired by? Him or the solicitor? Would agree that it is bloody unbelievable that they say they may give your address if asked!

There must be something you can do legally to stop that surely?

Wow, sleeping! Glad you are being well protected and taken seriously. It's amazing that someone so obviously SO dangerous is being allowed to roam around freely.

Thanks all, it helps me so much being able to talk freely to you all on here.
Scarlet it's a huge worry that he is still able to live a free life; I worry that he is with someone who has children (not that I can spare the head space to worry about others) but he screwed my DCs up, and he'll do it to someone else's. My DS, who is now a big strapping handsome lad said to me yesterday 'he really messed my head up Mum'...it's taken all this time, so many years, for him to feel confident in himself after the emotional and verbal abuse he took from that psycho. HE will be an even angrier man now - I know him well enough to know he will have brooded on all of this for the past few years - so God help any other children in his life, he is indiscrimate...sexual, verbal, physical, emotional...he can't help but abuse those who can't fight back.

Cider I think the pi was hired by the solicitor. I will speak to mine tomorrow and ask how I stand on the disclosure of address issue. I think also a prohibited steps order so he can't turn up and take DD2 from school or anything, and a non molestation order.

Claude if you had seen me last week you wouldn't have thought me strong! I completely went to pieces, possibly a panic attack, I've never had one so I don't really know. But I couldn't breathe, the walls felt like they were closing in on me, I was sweating and shaking...it was horrible. But now I have come back fighting. The DV worker and the DV officer told me that there is no way DD2 would be made to see HIM if she was adamant she didn't want to, given her age and the past. I found a letter she had written the other day, presumably when all this kicked off again, entitled 'Reasons why I never want to see him again'...she talked about how frightened she was of him, and how he used to hit her and kick her...and she remembers him locking her in the bathroom with him and making him bathe with him (this is where the abuse took place but she didn't mention specifics) and how he punched the puppy in the face, and how (her words) seeing him again would put a big red cross in her life. It's so sad.

Your dd2 is amazing, sleepingwiththeenemy. Keep holding on; you'll get through this.

In terms of the PI, a friend of mine did this when she needed to contact the father of her dc for non-payment of child support. The solicitor arranged for a PI to find him and ultimately serve papers on him. I guess the solicitor in this case may have been aware of nothing beyond the demand for access that he/she passed on.

I take it there's no way of having PR removed from him.

tribpot I'm not sure how much the solicitor knew...but the mediation firm refused to mediate because of the circumstances (as I knew they would). Am I right in guessing that if the solicitor had known at the start she wouldn't have even attempted to get mediation in place as it is well known that it should never be offered when there is a history of abuse? but she knows now but still can't guarantee it will be kept from him. I have no idea about PR removal.

x

Oh my love :( I was hoping some complete numpty had ressurected your thread, not you - unless it was you with a 'good' update. (I was on your old threads under a different name).

I can't believe this utter bastard is back fucking up your new life :(

I really don't know what else to say, except I am sending you lots of love & strength and if I had a g.un I know where I'd be aiming it!

the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age

Really?? NO!! That is the most stupid thing I have heard they should NOT be telling you that at all.

Wishing you all the strength you need, sleeping. For someone with suicidal tendencies, he has lasted a long time too long in this world.

wow Sleeping, what a horrendous situation.

I have read on various threads here that it's not too late for legal aid. Get to a solicitor and get your eligibility sorted. You need to get it done before the end of this month. Not much time, but you can do it.

You should be so so so proud of yourself. You have kept your children safe, despite the vagaries of this benighted country's so-called Justice system. All the relevant agencies are behind you. You have good friends here, and I bet you have better friends in rl than you think you have, too. I applaud you.

Wishing much love and peace coming your way soon.

Let's hope this piece of shit dies soon; suicide or a random heart attack will suffice.

Take care, you and your dc's are brave beyond words.

Oh shit, the bastard.

Hello all

Well, I saw a solicitor yesterday who has applied for legal aid for me...but as it involves domestic violence with hard evidence I will still be entitled to it after 1 April, so even if my application doesn't go through for some reason before the end of this month I will still be able to get it. She is going to reply that I have no intention of allowing contact, and then we will have to wait and see if he takes it to court, which he probably will.

I also had the police come around yesterday - if the landlord agrees there are many security measures they want to put in place, including kick bars on the doors, extra locks, reinforcing doors, and vibration alarms. He is also going to recommend that we have a safe room installed. However, this is a listed building and I have a feeling that the landlord will fight this.
The fire dept also came out, and have put an extra 4 smoke alarms in (I already had 3) and a locking letterbox, I just have to remember to unlock it every morning for the post!

So now it's just a waiting game. When he is told I am refusing contact I am pretty certain his anger will escalate, so I will have to watch my back even more. The police have also equipped me with personal attack alarms - not sure what else anyone can do, apart from us running again (which is still an option).

well, hopefully a quiet uneventful day today

Hope you're all ok

x

The stress you are currently living under must be immense but you've got the authorities working hard for you so that must be of some relief I imagine.

Hope the landlord and council are supportive in applying for a safe room installation.

It is a great relief sugarice but it also brings with it another set of problems. Once my solicitor writes to his, for example, he will know at least what town we are living in because all correspondence has to be copied to him and he will see that my solicitor is in x town. I feel sick all the time, because each day could bring something horrible.

But I cannot praise the authorities enough - police, domestic violence centre, social services, fire dept...there really is not much more that anyone can do.

At the moment I am feeling strong and capable but tomorrow that could all crumble away again. I think everyone has a saturation point, and this is only going to become more stressful as time goes by.

So relieved that so many official organisations are looking after you, and providing safety measures.

Bad news is that your LL probably won't be allowed to make a safe room due to the listing, so it won't really be his fault, it depends on the type of listing and how the room affects the fabric of the building as well as the look of it from outside (sounds so petty in the circumstances). The Council would have to agree, and if it's Grade I then they almost certainly won't.

Sounds like you've found a good solicitor? Hurrah that you don't need to worry about Legal Aid, too.

You have every right to feel strong and capable. You have proved yourself to be so, time after time. Hats off to you.

Jux I can't see the LL agreeing either tbh. I am also half expecting them to say that if there is inherent danger then they want us to leave! It has happened before apparently in similar circumstances.

I sat down this morning in front of my laptop, and started typing...I was thinking about a certain incident with the ex, one which I have found it very difficult to talk about, and out it all came on to the screen...I just wrote and wrote. My thoughts, my feelings. Although I only started it this morning it has been very therapeutic. I think I will carry on, document the whole thing. If nothing else it allows me to vent, and make some order of what happened.

One way I have known lawyers get around the address thing is either use another of their offices if they cover a large area eg offices in multiple towns,or even use a post office box and only provide work mobile numbers. Is any of this possible with yours?

Know it's awful to have to keep movingnaround, but if the worst comes to the worst, maybe you could find a place near where you are now, where a safe room can be installed, for long term. Less disruptive to stay in the area as all the local agencies will know you and you can keep the same solicitor, schools etc.

Let's hope it doesn't come to it, though.

It just seems so mad to me that when an individual is known to be this dangerous, he can't simply be locked up. There is, after all, evidence of harm this man has done as well as of his malevolent intentions. Actually, given that he was never acquitted of his crimes, I wonder if it might be possible to track down the reluctant witness from last time and reopen the case against him? (am not a lawyer nor a police officer, but it might be worth discussing this with your solicitor/ss/the police as well.)

Oh well done - great to have so many people taking this seriously and putting in place practical protection measures. It's great to have the reassurance that DD2 won't be forced to see him.

I think writing everything down is a great idea.

Thinking of you.