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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Reported H to Social services...now what?

670 replies

sleepingwiththeenemy · 19/01/2008 16:24

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 13/03/2013 15:42

Sleeping: it's not remotely surprising that you feel this way, you have had some shitty luck WRT court action in the past. By rights this fucker should still be sharing his cell with Big Boabby and getting a broom handle up his arse every Friday night. Sooner or later (and the sooner the better) this man's luck will run out. He will either commit a crime that gets him arrested and locked up - it depresses me to think that it will probably only happen when he attacks another man in front of witnesses - or he will destroy himself by means of reckless driving/drugs/alcohol.

As to the tracing companies, I suggest asking the DV people about that: it's possible that these companies cannot in fact find people who have namechanged or gone into refuges, or it may be illegal for them to supply the information - otherwise no refuge would be safe any more. A company on the internet can advertise how wonderful they are at finding people, but that doesn't guarantee they can do what they say.

I am not trying to belittle or minimize your fears, just trying to offer reassurance and my very best wishes that this man is dealt with before he bothers you again.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 13/03/2013 15:42

Really sorry to hear what is going on. In terms of searching for people I thought there were rules about what information could be released. When we were looking for a family member who had disappeared (to tell them they had an inheritance) the solicitor did find them but because it wasn't publicly accessible info they couldn't inform us of their address. They could pass information on but that was it. It sounds like it is worth the police asking the other solicitor how they found out your address and whether the bastard has been given that information.

CinnabarRed · 13/03/2013 15:46

Do you need me to look anything up on Companies House? I have free access through work. I could, for example, search all companies that are either owned by him or that he is a director of, and get their registered addresses - that might give you a clue as to where he is. Obviously you would need to PM me his name for that to be of any use, and I'll completely understand if you don't want to.

claudedebussy · 13/03/2013 16:35

sleeping, so sorry. this is horrific. i've followed your threads over the years and have thought of you often.

sgb speaks total sense. he is not invincible, he is not outside the law. eventually it will all catch up with him. no matter what he thinks.

i'm glad you're not on your own and you are taking precautions.

please do as others have suggested and fire old useless pathetic solicitor. follow up with the wa's solicitor. they will be much more clued up on this stuff.

take care of yourself.

mungotracy · 13/03/2013 16:45

"the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age" If you want honesty there's unlikely to be a conviction because you have no evidence not because of her 'age'.

He may well be upset as you've made a serious allegation.

Im not sure of your personal situation but "has no idea we've left or where we are." makes me worry, did you have permission to take his children? Do you have full custody and the right to not inform him? If not then it could get problematic especially if he has reported that you vanished with his child. If you are in the middle of proceedings expect this accussation to be thrown back at you later as evidence of you attempting to discredit him.... im not saying you were simply that this is what the opposition will say.

If that's not the case then it should all be fine as the authorities will not reveal your location at all as other posters have said.

auntpetunia · 13/03/2013 17:54

Mungo think you need to read more than the OP which was written in 2008! Lots has gone on since then.

ratbagcatbag · 13/03/2013 18:18

Mungo you really need to read the whole thing before commenting.

Coconutty · 13/03/2013 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Roseformeplease · 13/03/2013 21:05

FFS Mungo, read the thread.....she is vulnerable, distressed, hurting, not in need of a lecture.

titchy · 13/03/2013 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/03/2013 23:10

Mungo, reading the whole thread will make it clear to you that the OP moved on with support and permission from various authorities including the police and SS who all consider this man to be a serious risk to the children and to her. He has forfeited any right to contact.

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 14/03/2013 10:40

Thankyou, I must admit that reading mungo's post made me want to not post again.

OP posts:
NicknameTaken · 14/03/2013 10:48

Please don't be scared off by that post, sleeping - it's clear it was someone who hadn't taken in the full circumstances.

How are you feeling today?

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 14/03/2013 11:24

Nickname I'm ok thanks, I feel a bit calmer today. I'm having an easy day, just trying to relax and be kind to myself...tomorrow will be tough I know as I have the meeting with the DV team so will probably be feeling fragile tomorrow, but for now I am ok, gathering strength if you will.

Mungo I feel I have to reiterate...when I first left it was on my solicitor's advice, to put some distance between us and exH...that was supposed to be temporary. Then the police advised me against going back to the area at all and that it was safer to stay where I was...my own solicitor (a new one) sent all correspondence from an alternative office in a different town...social services AND the NSPCC were also involved. My children would have been put on the At Risk register had I still have been in contact with him...tell me mungo, do you still think I did the wrong thing?

OP posts:
tightfortime · 14/03/2013 11:32

sleepingwiththeenemy I'm a new netter but spent hours reading both your posts yesterday, unable to tear my eyes away, mouth open at the runaway train life was for you those few years back.

I'm in awe of you and how you coped with it all. You did everything right and it took balls lady.

I'm disgusted that this has all reared up again, just wanted to add my support to the rest of the fantastic advice you've got on here.

NicknameTaken · 14/03/2013 11:33

Good idea to gather your strength. You're in this for the long haul, so you need to be looking after your health. Stock up on the vitamin tablets etc. Your ex is scary, but you are a mother looking after the welfare of her child, and nobody gets tougher or more determined than that.

Hope the meeting with the DV team goes well.

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 14/03/2013 11:47

Thanks all, but I am going to have go offline for a while...it has become apparent that my emails have been hacked, and therefore probably the rest of my computer. No prizes for guessing who by. I will try and update you as and when I can, in the meantime thanks for the support and please...keep me and Dc in your thought.

xxx

OP posts:
NicknameTaken · 14/03/2013 11:48

Oh crap. Thinking of you and your dcs and wishing you all the best.

LemonBreeland · 14/03/2013 11:58

Oh no how awful. I will certainly be thinking of you and your DC and wish you well.

StuntGirl · 14/03/2013 12:03

I will be thinking of you tomorrow sleeping Thanks

Locketjuice · 14/03/2013 12:04

Can't read all the posts as there are so many but how awful what I have read, no advice but thinking of you!

auntpetunia · 14/03/2013 12:08

Bugger!

SolidGoldBrass · 14/03/2013 12:22

Wishing the OP the best, and also sending this message to the hacker, if it turns out to be him:

You will not win. Your own inner darkness will destroy you; the black hole deep inside you will sooner or later cause you to implode. This is inevitable.

CiderwithBuda · 14/03/2013 13:53

Oh no. Sleeping I am so sorry. Sending you strength and more strength.

scarletforya · 15/03/2013 14:53

SWTE, I have just read your whole thread with my heart in my mouth. You are a brilliant woman and you've walked such a difficult path to keep your DC safe.

The thing that worries and niggles me as I read it though is your Mother. Could she be the weak link in the chain giving him information about your whereabouts....?

As you said she doesn't have the normal protective attitude a Mother should have twords her child (you) so maybe it's not beyond the realms of possibility that she has leaked information to him. You say she didn't take either the rapes or the sexual abuse of your dd seriously....Sad

Does she know where you live?