Reported H to Social services...now what?

[sleepingwiththeenemy]

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

Stay strong OP. Keep us updated, we're all rooting for you and thinking of you and your family.

Did you get the letter directly from his solicitor or via yours?

What an amazing story and amazing woman you are.

You are absolutely amazing. I'm so sorry he's found you again, I really, really am. You will get through this, because you are strong and he will not beat you now after everything you've been through.

Oh fucking hell I remember your story, the utter fucking bastard, I'm so sorry.

Oh sleeping I can't believe he's found you :( Do you know how he managed to track you down? Will the solicitor really have given him your address, surely after everything that happened the bastard was banned from coming anywhere near you or your kids?

What happened with the trial in the end, was he sentenced to jail and he's now out or did he get away with it?

One of the things that struck me as I read your thread was how strong and capable you were, and how much unquestioning support you received from the authorities. I hope you can take some strength from that, that you are still the strong woman who protected her family all those years ago and you still have the support of the authorities to keep this scum away from you.

1. You are stronger than him. You've done so much and done so well. You'll get through this. You know you can get through the darkest times and be happy again. I am so sorry it's happening though.

1. Can you possibly leave the country? You so shouldn't have to make such a huge change for your family. :( But your ex does not sound safe. I don't know what else you could consider. Maybe a private prosecution could be an idea again? Would anybody do the work for free? Or is that ridiculous to ask?

Oh sleeping, you brave, brave lady.

After all you and your children have been through, I can't believe you are facing this again.

So, so with the system that has failed you and your dc's.

If he is on dd2's birth certificate then it is possible that he could have got your name change that way as he would have automatic parental responsibility as she is born after 2001.

You must speak to Women's Aid and Women's Rights again and get as much support as you can from them, the Police and SS. Get legal support asap.

Big unmumsnetty hugs.

Hi everyone

Well, this is why I came back on to mn - the support I received the last time was invaluable. I don't really have anyone to talk to in RL about this, I try not to burden the DC too much and DP is brilliant but I don't want our whole relationship to become consumed by this IYSWIM?

Stuntgirl I did have another thread about the trial but I can't remember how to do links; in a nutshell the lead up to the trial dragged on, being delayed and postponed, all delaying tactics by the defence team I suspect in the hope that I would withdraw the allegations. Eventually it went ahead, I was holed up in a hotel close to the court, scared to go out as I knew he was around the corner. It opened on the Monday, I was to be called on the Tuesday morning. I then received a call to say all hell had broken loose in court, that the defence had 'come up with something' and I would be called on the Wed, Wed morning I got a call to say that the trial had been stopped and that I had to wait for the CPS to decide whether to proceed. After numerous phone calls I was eventually told that the defence tried to say that I had been coerced into making a statement by email by the police - they looked at all my emails and concluded that (of course) everything was above board but by this time the other main witness had gone to pieces (as was their intention) and her dr said she was in no fit state to testify. The CPS said that they were not prepared to resume the trial with just my word against his so they dropped it, just like that. I was beside myself, and pleaded with them to allow me to take the stand, but they said no. So that was it. Over.

We moved again to a totally different part of the country and that's where we've been since, living in relative peace, although I have never stopped looking over my shoulder.

Bogeyface The letter came from his solicitor. I don't have one here as I have not needed one.

Notime I have considered moving abroad, believe me. But He'll find us again. He is very obsessive and will not let go. Plus it is such a crucial time for the older DC. My son is doing GCSEs atm, and DD1 is doing A Levels. She lost her way for quite a while, and is settled again now. I have a wonderful DP who couldn't leave with us as he has his own DC and several businesses here. And I am so tired of running.

The thing is, I knew this was coming. Just lately I have been dreaming, almost every night, that he had turned up and taken DD2. I would wake up in a sweat, and then lie awake for the rest of the night. I am wondering whether I have seen him up here, just a fleeting sight of him, but not enough to register with my consciousness IYSWIM? After 4 years to suddenly be having nightmares night after night is a huge coincidence. And that freaks me out, that he is/has been here, watching and waiting.

I have a meeting with an agency that works closely with the police here on Friday. They are specialists in domestic violence cases, all aspects of it...court, legal, counselling...God it all snowballs and it really does take it out of you. I will work with as many people as I am able to protect the DC, I have no qualms about social services being involved as their aim is the same as mine, to protect the children.

Cider no, my mother would have told me if he'd been in touch, or if anyone had been sniffing around.

MrsTomHardy the trial was dropped so he is free to do as he pleases.

Link to sleeping's other thread.

Oh my love have just read through your threads and was horrified but so in awe of your strength and dignity.

You will get through this. You have a wealth of evidence and the police seem to have acted very quickly, I really hope you and your family can soon be safe and at peace away from this horrendous man.

Wishing you all the very best.

Wishing you the strength you need to get through this. Hope you find all the practical support you need. Stay strong, stay safe.

Sleeping you are so so brave. I am so pleased you have such a wonderful DP to look out for you and the DC. I am so sorry that this total scumbag is trying to find you again.

I am sure others will come on with good suggestions. Can you inform DC schools etc to be on the lookout or will SS help with that?

Fantastic you have a panic button installed. I hope your meeting on Friday provides you with some constructive help.

THinking of you and sending you good wishes. I am not an expert but, given this man has made major threats against you and harmed you and DC in the past, is it not possible to get a non-mol order that will keep him away to the extent that any sign of him will lead to his immediate arrest?

Oh sleeping that sounds absolutely awful.

Do you have a solicitor now? Is your daughter old enough to refuse the requests herself? What a vile, disgusting man. With the accusations against him is there any chance SS can still stop him seeing your daughter?

hi
i read all this thread and the link to trial update last night and couldnt not post something. jesus christ you have been through hell and back and you my lady, are one fucking amazing woman!!
i was in shock when i read about how the court dropped everything. utterly gutted for you! you should be proud of yourself and how you have built your and your dc lives from literally nothing. i felt a flush of pride reading about you getting your little council house and doing all of the decorating by yourself!
roll on to 2013 and the bastard has found you. its like something out of a hollywood movie!
i dont know how well you know your neighbours but do you think maybe it might be an idea to get them together and tell them whats happened (dont need to tell them everything of course) but enough for them to know you are in genuine fear for your life? and ask for them to be super super vigilant for anyone who looks suspicious/hanging about/asking questions.

I really don't know what to say - it is such a nightmare come true. It's great that the police are on high alert. You've done all the right things all the way along.

The only thing I can say is that this won't be forever. A man like this won't be interested in a stroppy teenager. You just have to hold on for another few years.

Wishing you strength and courage.

I really don't feel brave at all, I am falling apart inside.

I am waiting until I get another letter to get a solicitor; the letter from his solicitor said that I should wait to receive a letter from the mediation service...haha, mediation??? It's one of the biggest no no's when it comes to domestic abuse. Put a victim/survivor in the same room as the perpetrator??? This leads me to think that his solicitor knows nothing of his past, he's gone to them with a tale of woe that I have disappeared with his daughter. He did it before, he reported me to the police for abducting DD2...I was in a f*ing refuge!!! The police turned up at my mother's house to search it looking for my daughter!

It has been suggested that he has no intention of going for mediation, and that he only used that as a means of getting the solicitor to track me down, and that now he has the address he will come and find me himself. I have been told that the solicitor will have passed on my address to him.

SS have got involved, and they have intimated that they will oppose any attempts at contact. Furthermore he is a risk to other children and they will be looking at that too.

Solid I had a non mol order before, but the courts refused to attach a power of arrest to it?!?!

Stitch thanks for the link.

Stuntgirl DD2 is now 8; very mature and adamant that she doesn't ever want to see him again, but I think she's too young for the courts to listen.

Dear God. Can you fill his solicitor in on the background? Although it's too late with regard to the address.

I really can't believe the courts would order direct contact in the circumstances. I don't think he's going to get anywhere using legal processes (or mediation). Re the non mol order, a new judge might be willing to attach a power of arrest.

The police here have jumped on this so quickly, and involved so many other agencies I am feeling reassured that he will not be granted access. For God's sake, nobody uproots their DC, makes themselves effectively homeless, leaves everything they possess behind and keeps running if they don't have 100% conviction that they are at serious risk of harm. I lost my home, my business, my friends and my possessions....I sold my jewellery, my beloved camera, my tv everything to make sure I had the money to buy crappy furniture so the kids had something to sit on in the new house, and so that I could provide some semblance of a Christmas for them. Surely to God, they wouldn't risk allowing him access.

My bigger concern is what he will do outside of the legal route. I have even asked my partner to promise me that if anything happens to me he will make sure that Ex does not get his hands on DD2. I will write a will to this effect when I see a solicitor.

The man is totally unstable and dangerous. He has huge mental health issues, has personality disorders, is frequently suicidal, and fully believes it is a fathers right to take a child's life and then his own if the mother refuses him access.

I just want to sleep all the time. My son is off school with flu at the moment and DP has got a decorator in to paint my bathroom for me, so I have people to keep me awake atm, but if I was alone I would be curled up asleep.

I remember you, OP. I am gobsmacked at the latest turn of events - can't begin to imagine the shock and distress you must be feeling.

Not much to add but sending you love and strength. You're smarter and stronger than him and you WILL beat him.

I hope the police can keep him away from you sleeping. Actually I kinda hope he gets hit by a bus. The world would be better off it seems.

Oh god, this is too awful sleeping, after all you've been through. I've just read through both these threads. So sorry to hear he has found you, god knows how that can have happened. He sounds very dangerous and really needs locking up.

So sorry I haven't any words of wisdom for you, just wanted to show my support.