Reported H to Social services...now what?

[sleepingwiththeenemy]

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

So glad to read the news re Charges and have to LOL at the ebf's alternate reality.

He should speak to my 46YO hubby who does ALL the cooking, cleaning etc

{cos i work away from home}

Hi everyone
I've just discovered that exbf is on plenty of fish too, lol! Wanting to move in with me?????????????? I think blardy not! What a strange mind he has.
policywonk...I felt horrible thinking it but yes...I felt it was highly inappropriate that he wanted DD to go to his house in the evening when he was there alone with her. She told me that he had said to her that she would need to clean the house BUT if she played it smart she could get paid just for sitting and talking and 'pouting prettily'! Now it might be completely harmless but I think that would be wrong in a normal situation but in ours, given what's happened to all of us, I think it was bang out of order.
I'm having problems with DD1 now too. She has a 'boyfriend', and me...doing the reverse psychology bit, said he could come to the house - I figured if they were at mine (no upstairs though) I could keep my eye on them and know what they were getting up to, rather than them sneaking around behind my back IYSWIM? Anyway, they sat on the settee together and he started groping her boobs IN FRONT OF ME!!! I made excuses about dinner being ready so he had to go, and then had the big talk, I didn't go mad as that makes her shut down, but really did spell out to her that he was bad news and had no respect, either for her or me. I told her I wouldn't tolerate it and now I've barred her from spending time with him outside of school. He's been expelled twice for assaulting teachers, he has a temper and...wait for it...his Dad's in prison for murder!!! It beggars belief...why us? How come trouble just seems to find us? But now I'm worried that with me banning her from seeing him it might push her further towards him but I cannot allow it to carry on. She's already told her brother she doesn't trust him alone with her.

I meant to say that she seems to place absolutely no value on her own body. I am becoming more and more convinced that exH did something to her as well as DD2, as her behaviour around boys is so extreme. She can't see why I am so upset by it.

I feel like crying today...I have an appointment on Friday with the gp and I'm going to ask him to up the dose of my anti depressants. I'm struggling to cope with it all, I'm not sleeping and I'm shattered. My mother last night blamed me for moving up here in the first place...has she forgotten that I had to flee my paedophile serial rapist husband???? That the police warned me not even to go back to collect my stuff? I want to crawl into bed and not wake up til it's all over.

Oh dear. I am sorry you are still battling.

Your mother sounds SO supportive. Not. CAn you avoid her for a while? Talking to her seems to just be frustrating.

Re: your DD. I really don't know what to advise. Has she had counselling? Sorry - can't remember. How old would she have been with exH? Just wondering if something did happen but that depending on how old she was, he managed to convince her it was her choice ifswim?

A friend had 2 DCs, a DS and a DD and she remarried. When the DD was 15 she started coming on really strong to the step-dad. He was mortified and didn't encourage her in the slightest. She was looking for attention. I am just wondering if something similar happened with your DD and your XH encouraged her? She would be feeling really mixed then. May feel she couldn't blame him although obv he was totally in the wrong if anything did happen.

I think perhaps not talking to your mum for a few days might help too, she is not helping you at all.
Your dd is probably confused about her body image and what she should be doing with her body. She is at the age where she is discovering all the sexual feelings and it probably makes her feel good when she is admired, even by innappropriate men. Your talk wil hopefully help her to see what is appropriate and what isn't. I remember being that age and having men start to fancy me. Groping her boobs in front of you is out of order and I think i would have said so and embarrassed him, but your ex, pouting prettily and when he knows what she's been thru. He is not only a knob who lives in lala land, he is getting into the evil section there too. I agree with whoever said that. Tell him if he ever gets near her again you will go to the police. What he was suggesting is gross, and illegal I might add. Well not sitting prettily but he obv has something more on his mind, and that is wrong wrong wrong.
Maybe a chat with your police man friend who was supportive, just so someone knows what he's said???

Oh sleeping, I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I think you're quite right to talk to your GP about it. Are you still getting support from Womens Aid or any of the other local resources? It sounds as though you could really do with someone to make you a cup of tea and talk things through.

Look at it this way: your instincts about the ex-bf lead you to do exactly the right thing. You kept your daughter safe and you told a slimy man to shove off. Despite the difficult situation you're in, you handled it calmly and appropriately. Your children are lucky to have someone like you looking out for them.

For what it's worth, I agree that it sounds as though your daughter has low self-respect where her body and sexuality is concerned. I have zero experience with teenaged girls so I'm afraid I can't offer much help other than stuff you've probably already thought of (discussing the situation with a sympathetic GP, policeman or teacher at your DD's school), but maybe you could start a thread on here asking for advice specifically about this issue - I'm sure there are posters on the board who will have experience.

You are doing all the right things, Sleeping. I think dodgy people sniff out vulnerable people, so please don't be hard on yourself for feeling vulnerable at the moment. You are doing heroically (sp???) well. You are also surrounding yourself with people who can help to support you. I hope your dd finds some help too. You are a very good example to her.

((hugs)) swte.

I think maybe some family therapy might help? (obviously no need for you to go into the full ins & outs with your LO's) but esp some for your DD - her self esteem & confidence must be at rock bottom, how old are your older children again?

I think until she does value herself more these sorts of 'boy's will keep attracting her attention? - maybe she thinks she's not worthy of more when we all know she is worth so much more.

and your XB - well - tbh i'd seriously wonder why he wants a young girl in his flat - that's not normal what he's suggesting. really & truely it's not normal at all. leave him to his POF.

Hi, back in the library again!
Spandex, DD1 is 13 (14 this month), DS is 11 and DD2 is 4.
I seem to be having no problems at all with the younger 2...I talked to DD2's teacher this morning (I had to tell them what has been going on as DD2 might have come out with something about her dad in class and all hell would have broken loose) and she told me that DD2 is a delight in class, always smiling and happy, as she is at home. DS is a lovely child, very sweet, loving, kind...couldn't ask for a better son. And DD1 is also a lovely girl, just so at odds with herself. I feel desperately sorry for her, but she won't talk to anyone. The school have offered counselling ( I had to inform them also) and I have asked her to come with me to speak to the GP about counselling but she won't go. She's quite a 'deep' person, and wouldn't find it easy to talk.
Don't get me wrong, I am VERY proud of all 3 of them equally; we've been to hell and back and I would fight to the death to protect any of them.
ExB text me today, as if nothing has happened, asking how I am. I text back 'fine,...even though I'm feeling crappy I don't want him to know that. I'm not feeling bad about him anyway - he's the last thing on my mind.

just ignore him, and say I have nothing to say to you, please leave me alone.

a suspicious person would be slightly concerned about his keeping contact with you & his 'proposal' re DD1.

hmm sounds like DD1 has an inner turmoil type of thing going on. I wonder would she perhaps write it down - for example if you have a standard laptop/note pad even at home, give it to her and say, ok when i'm feeling sad and upset i'll write to you in it, and when you're feeling the same and confused you write to me in it?

(i'm not quite sure how/if it would work with a girl her age or not)

you may need to start things off/ have more input to start with sort of thing like, I was so proud of you today in school. if there's a few down days, perhaps put a pos spin in a negative - I don't know, I worry when you're out, but I know you're a sensible girl?? (as you're not sure if indeed anything has happened & we're not entirely sure it might not work but maybe that sort of an idea on things?)

Good idea Spandex...

She brought home a certificate from school for being 'really nice' for a whole term. not that she wasn't really nice before if you know what I mean, they just give these awards out to the nicest/kindest/sportiest/most improved....

I was really pleased, but also went back to her room later when we'd finished talking about the situation and told her how proud I was of her for getting it, so it wasn't overshadowed by what we were talking about.

I have brought my dr appt forward to today, as I am really living on my nerves, and need to ask their advice about my dosage before I put in my repeat prescription. I'll talk to the dr about it all then.

anything that gets her to 'open' up about things can only be seen as a good thing.

do you get very much 1 2 1 time with them all?

good luck with your DR.

Just echoing Spandex's idea. That is a brilliant idea. Just make sure that your dd knows that it is for the two of you, and get the groundrules right early on - ie. you will talk about stuff that's in the book, but that it is special between the two of you, and not for the others to read.

actually yes that's a good point, it's something nice for you to to do - I'd be weary about the idea of it being a secrete or something special, as if anything did happen with XH it might well remind her of such likes?

Good point Spandex - the idea here is to encourage her to bring her feelings into the open, not to lock them away as secrets. It's still a lovely idea though.

Hi

Well, fortunately DD1 has seen sense and decided to 'dump' the boy. Her friends at school detest him, and i think she realised that both her Mother and her friends couldn't be wrong!

Saw the dr who was very supportive, and upped my dosage.

DD2's school called yesterday and asked me to go in and see the head, to fill him in on what's happening. I had already told the teacher in case DD2 said anything untoward, but the head wanted to speak to me about it. Well...I could have cried, he was so nice to me. Sat and listened, said all the right things, made me laugh...when someone knocked on the door he wouldn't answer it, just gave me his undivided attention. He asked what support I have for me, I said none, so he said he's always there for me to talk to any time at all. It's been so long since I had anyone listen to me I was almost overwhelmed! I don't know if it was the increased dosage or the fact that I had talked to him, but I had the first good night's sleep I have had in ages.

Great from the HT SWTE glad the DC's are doing well.

That's good news sleeping - the head sounds lovely.

I think Spandex's idea is great - I'll be keeping a note of that one for when my DSs are older and refuse to tell me anything!

Re. the counselling - if she's really reluctant then maybe it's best to let her make that decision for now. I think having counselling when you really don't want to can be quite damaging. Just as long as she knows that the option is there.

It was the first court hearing yesterday. he pleaded not guilty, obviously, so the case has been adjourned until 12 December, so more waiting. I won't be required for that one, it's just the first hearing at Crown Court.I'm just glad I'm 250 odd miles away.

policywonk...I've told DD1 that the option is there, and that I may well use counselling myself, but as the dr said it's best to wait til everything has settled down before undertaking that. She may decide to go herself if she sees me going, but if not I can't/won't make her.

ok, what does that mean? you'll have to go as a witness etc? is he in custody at least?

Sadly, Spandex, he's not on remand.

It probably doesn't seem like much Sleeping, but it's progress of a sort I suppose!

I'll have to appear when the trial starts, but the hearing in Dec is just the first hearing at crown court, it can take months and months to get a trial underway.
As Policy said, he's not in custody - he's on conditional bail which basically means he's out and about and free to come and go as and when he pleases, on the condition that he has no contact with me or the DC, or comes anywhere near us or gets anyone else to contact us.
It's making me very jittery though.

dos he have any ideas where you may be? (i'm assuming your own family etc don't know where you are.)

lets hope that when the time comes they throw the book at him.

Hi

He knows what area of the country we are in (eg, East Anglia/London/North East) but it is a massive area we are in, and comprises of many major cities, so it'd be like looking for a needle in a haystack. It was inevitable that he would know roughly, as he had to come to court here for the contact hearing, but the solicitor held it in a different city so he wouldn't know. Also my address has been withheld on all correspondence, and the solicitor sends any mail with the head office address which is ina different place from here.
I also applied to be entered on the electoral register anonymously - if you can prove that you fear for your safety, and can get the police/social services to back it up they will omit your entry from any public file.