Reported H to Social services...now what?

[sleepingwiththeenemy]

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

Sleeping, I have been following your thread since the start but never posted. Just want to say that I am gobsmacked at how strong you are, you sound like a wonderful person and mother and it looks like finally, you may be able to look towards the future and move on. So happy that he will get his comeuppance, shame though that they are not charging him with abuse of the DC.

Good luck for the future.

Great news, i hope that after all this you can lay all your demons to rest, and enjoy your time with your DC

and what a waste of space that last bloke seems to be! very selfish!

enjoy your night out!

So glad I spotted this in active convos. Great news about the charges! Hope he gets put away for a long time.

Other man def not a loss as you have realised. What a waste of space! You are well out of that one!

Good on you for having such a brilliant attitude. Hope you enjoy your Chinese banquet and make lots of friends.

Well done sleeping. Shame he's on bail, but I suppose you can't have everything.

Well done for joining the social group too!

aargh..having a panicky moment about the social group! Not sure if I can bring myself to turn up at a restaurant with a group of absolute strangers! I have nowhere near the self confidence I used to have. Aaaarrgghhhh....
Policywonk...the only good thing about him not being on remand is that if he's found guilty and goes down, he won't have any time taken off the sentence for the time he's been on remand if that makes sense?

I'm actually a bit on tenterhooks now he's actually been charged. The detective who charged him said that he was eerily calm when charged, didn't bat an eyelid and just asked would he be out of the station in time to go back to work that afternoon. Most men, when charged with rape, would be devastated surely? The detective said he has certainly never come across a reaction like that. So now I'm panicking somewhat and thinking maybe he's decided he's going to come after me as he's got nothing to lose. Whenever he's been suicidal in the past he has also been eerily calm and unemotional, and if he's decided to end it he may try and find me first.

Also, I am finding it hard to deal with the reality of me marrying a man who was already a rapist when I met him. How did I not know?????

I phoned my Mum yesterday to tell her about the charges. We haven't spoken for a long time as she refused to give a statement to th epolice regarding the emotional abuse of my older children. Anyway, she was so dismissive, and I get the feeling she's dying to ask me 'are you sure this actually happened?'. Then I told her I was on anti depressants and she said 'what? Why? What have you got to be depressed about? You don't need those, stop taking them'. WTF???? I've been dealing with this whole thing for so long single handedly and she asks why I need help?

Gosh - if that's your mother's attitude, no wonder it took you so long to recognise abuse in your marriage. That attitude on the part of a mother is pretty horrifying, actually. Who wouldn't want to put their arms around their little girl and hug her when she'd been through so much? A person who is not all there, is the kindest way of putting it.

Please accept a hug from me. I'm the laziest mama in the history of humankind, but I've got enough maternal instinct to go round the world, and a hug costs nothing. A kind word is cheap (free at evenings and weekends!). You deserve unconditional love and admiration - and keep taking the pills as long as you need them. My (probably barking mad) theory is that it's strong, not weak, to take anti-depressants; it shows determination to get on with life instead of wallowing in useless, debilitating emotions. It'll take a long while to get over the worst and there's no reason to deny yourself help in the meantime.

Thanks so much. I'm not exaggerating when I say that MN has really got me through some bad times with this.
re the anti depressants...I'm not even taking them for depression so much as anxiety. My nerves are shot to pieces and my mind is constantly on overdrive, so they were prescribed to me by my (fantastic, compassionate and very good listener) GP to just enable me to operate on a calmer level.
What I am worried about is that this realisation of who and what I married has seriously damaged my faith in myself to recognise good from bad. I will find it damn near impossible to truat a man again, not so much infidelity-wise but rather with my children and myself. But by the same token I don't want to be on my own forever either. I'm happy being alone with the DC now, but in a year, or five or even ten I'm going to want to share my life with someone speciai but I don't know if I'll ever be able to let anyone in again.
As for my Mum, unfortunately she has always been emotionally absent and I spent my entire life trying to keep her happy and not upset her or make her mad. Doesn't stop me trying to win her affection though, and being crushed when it doesn't come!

I see your point about the sentence (here's hoping it's a bloody long one).

I can see why you're worried about your reaction. Have you spoken to your contact at Womens Aid about it? They might be able to give you some reassurance. Are your local police aware of the potential thread - do you have a panic button or anything like that? Sorry, I'm not trying to alarm you - it sounds as though you're very well hidden from your ex - but if you put a few safety procedures in place you might feel a bit less anxious, hopefully.

Your mother sounds absolutely horrid. Have you read the threads on here about toxic parents? Lots of women have posted about experiences like yours with your mother, and the general consensus seems to be that in the end you just have to cut people like this out of your life, because you'll never be able to please them. It must be heartbreaking though.

Don't feel that you have to apologise or explain about the ADs - you and your GP feel that they're necessary, and that's all that matters.

Seriously, you deserve a medal. Are you going to go to the social group? I guess, as far as men are concerned, you just need to take things REALLY slowly - hopefully this will go some way towards flushing out the bad ones.

That's great news. hopefully they will condsider your daughters when they sentence him and lock him away for long time.

You do deserve a medal as policy says.

Sometimes you can't judge how peeople will turn out though - there's nothing anyone can do about that. It's great your getting social too.

Hope you enjoy yourself and that your Mum stops being so horrible.

Hi all

Well, as Alice said 'curioser and curioser'...the bf (ex) turned up on Saturday night, having been to the wedding reception we were supposed to be going to together.
DD1 told me he had pulled up outside, but he wouldn't even come to the door so in the end I went outside, he asked me to get in and talk, so I did. He then told me that he thinks it would be best if he moves in to my house for half the week, and live at his house for the other half!!!!!!!!! . Er...hello...we're finished? I was gobsmacked. I mean, that'd be a bad idea in the best of relationships, but even if we had a relationship (which we haven't) it'd be a disaster. I mean, I'm trying my damndest to get the kids well and truly settled and stable, and then he expects to move in for HALF a week, having told me he only tolerates my oldest daughter, and he can't adjust to having kids around him! How the f**k does he expect that's going to work? He was stunned when I turned down his 'generous offer', and got really narky, then turned all 'whiny' and said he has panic attacks if I'm not there to hold his hand. As my friend pointed out this morning, he didn't have panic attacks when he went off to France on his motorbike a few months ago without me, or when he's swanning round in his sports car! (The 2 seater variety he bought, despite me having 3 kids).
I'm just at a loss as to understand him at all.
By the way the anser was a definative NO!

My God! He really is a catch isn't he?! How could you resist?

Did I mention that he also wants DD1 to go to his house, and clean it for him, and he'll pay her a fiver a week (paid monthly.) This would be in return for cleaning his kitchen, lounge, stairs, bathroom and his bedroom. He leaves his washing up so she'd have to do that, and clean the bathroom after 2 men (he has a lodger living there). Plus, he wants her to do this in the evening when he and his lodger are there, and he'd drive her home after. He was so offended when I said no. After everything that has happened he couldn't see how inappropriate this would be.

I think he lives in his own little world and reality seems to be bypassing him.
What a wierdo.

LOL Buda! I'm sitting here in the library and chuckling to myself! It is laughable, and so unbelievable, but at the same time it's really p**sing me off. It's like he feels I should be grateful to him for his 'offer'. What would make it worse is that he goes to bed at 9 most nights (up early for work) so the kids would have to tip toe around, and he would expect me to go to bed at the same time as him (he told me this on Saturday night whilst i was trying to drag my jaw off my lap).

Bandofmothers...my thoughts exactly. This man is 47....47 years of age FGS

He would expect you to go to bed at 9 with him, and he thought it was a nice offer for your dd to clean his pit for a pittance. My god, men can be so delusional. They really do seem to think we should be exstatic at the thought of cleaning up after them and washing their undies don't they??

I sometimes wonder why we have anything to do with htem at all

There is a reason he is 47 and single!

Have a look at this thread - it could be worse!

Yep, when I complained about being his 'skivvy' he said 'You're old fashioned underneath all that modern girl stuff...you enjoy looking after your man really'!

Sorry if I'm cross-posting with anyone, but my internet is on a go-slow today...What a DELUDED Idiot!! I bet you found it hard not to laugh in his face. I am seriously gob-smacked at this guy - it is going to keep popping into my head all day now and make me wonder at the insanity of it all! So glad you told him where to get off - was he reaaly expecting you to agree? I thought my ex was selfish, but this guy needs some kind of award, surely?

Form an orderly queue ladies, he sounds like a catch!

Just read all of your posts SWTE, you are fantastic!

I meant to put a link so my last post makes absolutely NO sense!

Try and read this (if my link has worked!) www.mumsnet.com/Talk/1375/615505

I'm sorry to say this (and well done again sleeping for telling him where to stick it), but alarm bells are ringing for me... why does he want a young girl to be alone in his flat with him?

Sorry, he sounds as though he might be predatory (as well as being a complete wanker).