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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Reported H to Social services...now what?

670 replies

sleepingwiththeenemy · 19/01/2008 16:24

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 08/09/2008 11:18

Meant to say shave my arm pits...not just my arms. I'm not that hairy!!!!

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 08/09/2008 11:28

lol at that one! Maybe you could find out if there are any MNers in your area for a meet-up? I hope you make friends where you are soon. I recommend dog-walking too (maybe other people's for cash?) as it is a brilliant way of getting chatting in the park! God luck anyway, nice to hear you are doing so well.

Notquitegrownup · 08/09/2008 11:29

lol at shaving your arms!

So glad that you are feeling good about life, and yourself. You deserve it.

Buda · 08/09/2008 11:32

Glad to hear he wouldn't turn nasty. And glad to hear you sounding so positive. Are your DCs missing him? (I would kind of think not!)

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 09/09/2008 10:06

Hi. Yeah I am feeling good about myself, and life in general and try not to think too much about the investigation and possible impending trial. What will be will be, and I just have to face whatever is thrown at me. My Dad always used to say 'don't worry about the things you can't change'...I can't change this so I will just have to go with the flow.

Buda...DD2 was a bit confused when he just stopped coming round, but she has stopped asking for him now. The older two haven't really said anything about it only that I deserve better. I feel so sorry for the kids - the older two must be thinking they can't rely on anyone (male wise)...their Dad chose his girlfriend over us, their stepdad abused them, me and their sister, and now even this one has 'abandoned' them...I won't have my children's heads messed with anymore.

Anyway, that's me off my high horse! lol

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BandofMothers · 09/09/2008 10:12

I think you are amazing and I am glad you have been able to get past all the worst of this trauma. I read your thread like this yesterday, and have just finished it.WOW.

I say take sometime to relax and enjoy your new free life. Don't worry about your ability to pick men, people cover up their worst traits until later on in the relationship so how are you supposed to know the real them?? It's impossible to, so don't blame yourself, and one day they will understand that too. Unfortunately that is something they will have to learn for themselves as we all do, cos we wont be told will we

You are inspiring.

BandofMothers · 09/09/2008 10:13

And it is NOT your fault that their dad chose his gf over them. That is his fault.

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 09/09/2008 10:15

BandofMothers...thankyou . I guess if I was outside looking in I'd say the same, but from where I'm standing it just seems to me that I have made one massive mess of the kids' lives! Hopefully it is not too late to undo the damage - we are very very close and I can only hope that will be enough to get them (and me) through.

And no...we won't be told! lol

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BandofMothers · 09/09/2008 10:24

Hmm, trust me I wonder if I am messing my kids up all the time. Was thinking of starting a thread, but my OH knows my name on here. Life is shit and so hard, and I have no where near like your problems.

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 09/09/2008 10:31

BandofMothers...why not name change? The advice and support I have received on here has been invaluable to me, especially since I have no one in real life to turn to. All I would say is that if I can do it, anyone can! ok, things escalated to such a level that there wasn't a choice - I just couldn't stay, but I'm a real wimp, hate confrontation and change and will do anything for a quiet life. So for me to take this leap...
But life is so short. You have to do what you can to enjoy it.

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BandofMothers · 09/09/2008 10:34

I know, that is true. How do you stay so positive??
I have name changed before but never seem to get many replies, I used to be so positive too, I could bounce back from anything, but I feel so bogged down and useless at the moment. Sorry, feel like I am hijacking your thread. It's not that bad, I am just having a bad day, adn it's been dragging on so long I am just exhausted by it all. My girls seem happy enough tho, which is good.
If there was no choice I would act, but it's not like that, and I think having the choice makes making the decision harder IYSWIM. Wierd.

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 09/09/2008 10:43

BandofMothers...yes it's definately true that having a choice makes it harder. I tried for 6 years to get out of the marriage, as he changed literally overnight when we married. But we were living abroad by then and I'd left my home, family, job and the kids' schools behind so I couldn't leave. he knew though that I wanted out, and we were due to return to UK, so he raped me and got me pregnant...he knew I'd never abort a baby so he effectively had me by the short and curlies.
How do i stay positive? Hmm...not sure. I've always been an upbeat person - glass half full type. But believe me there are days when i do nothing but cry. There are nights when I don't even close my eyes. But despite everything, what I do have is my kids, and they are such a blessing to me that I can't be down. Everyone else has let them down; I can't too!
There are times when I rage at the world, when I am short tempered and ask why me? But I'm here and all in all I love life.
(And anti depressants help )

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BandofMothers · 09/09/2008 10:53

WOW, what a bastard.

kingprawntikka · 09/09/2008 13:37

Hello Sleeping, i have often read your thread and have nothing but admiration for you. One thing you have not done is made a massive mess of your kids lives. You have done all you can to give themn a safe and happy life and you should be commended for that. they are lucky to have you.

taxiservice · 09/09/2008 13:54

Hello swte,
So your girls have been through hell and back and so have you. It doesn't get much worse than this. You need to put them first by keeping men well out of their space. They need space and only you can protect their space. Don't talk to anyone (except anonymously of course) their past - even if you think you trust them. It is up to them to tell whoever they want to tell when they get older. No-one else needs to know.

My advice would be to get their dog back, they need comfort and security. Their dog (or another pet) might make them feel better than another man in the house.

Call him now and tell him it's over. Do it before you get wrapped up in it. You don't need a man in your life right now and your girls certainly don't.

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 10/09/2008 10:11

Hi

Taxiservice...I don't need to call him - it's clearly over! Haven't heard anything from him for nearly 2 weeks now, so even if I was inclined, I wouldn't be taking him back now as it's pretty obvious that I and the children don't mean much to him. he missed DD2's first day at primary school, DS's first day at high school, and DD1's first day back after she had some hassle before they broke up in July! he also knows that the CPS were due to make a decision early Sept about exH, and he hasn't bothered checking to see what's happened or if I'm ok. He'd have some front turning up at my door now!
BandofMothers, I'm nowhere near you unfortunately. What I need right now is a good circle of friends to turn to, and get to know the me I am now, without all the s**t we've all gone through. We've been to hell and back and are slowly coming out the other side, much better people for it! It's his loss, not ours

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BandofMothers · 10/09/2008 11:25

Absolutely, you really have a great attitude to everything, considering. Pity you are not close by, or that dd2 went to school, toddler groups are always a good way to make friends. Maybe a college course in something you have always wanted to learn just for fun. You should be able to claim it back, or get most of it paid for, and you can meet like minded people with something to talk about provided.

taxiservice · 10/09/2008 15:12

hi swe - Phew! Just checking - as long as you can promise that if he comes back with the best excuse in the world - I was abducted by aliens for two weeks and that's why I couldn't be there - or I thought you didn't love me any more - or my mother is dying - you won't say ok that's alright dear.

Anyway, now the school year's starting, how about booking in on a course or getting involved with the school - helps to start September in a positive way I find.

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 10/09/2008 19:57

well my DS is 2.5 (iirc your DD is around 2??) i'm on the south coast, I know you won't want to say too much just incase or something, but can reccommend some good P&T groups, or we could meet for a coffee and let the kids play - DS is always looking for new girliefriends sorry I mean play mates (little casanova that boy of mine!)

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 11/09/2008 10:00

Spandex...I'm nowhere near you either, but thanks .
Taxi...nope...no excuse at all. he's behaved in such a bad manner, treated me and the children with no consideration whatsoever...no way will I have him back. Had a bad evening last night when i felt quite lonely, but nothing some chocolate didn't sort out! lol.
Also, on a serious note, if I did take him back what message will I be giving the children? Teaching my son it's ok to treat women badly, and teaching my girls to settle for being a doormat. Not going to happen.

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xJulesx · 11/09/2008 16:29

Hi SWTE

I have spent the afternoon reading this thread and am truly in awe at your strength and courage, keep strong, you are in my thoughts.
Sending you lots of positive thoughts

LittleWeePickle · 12/09/2008 17:16

Wow what a story - I'm impressed by your courage.

Men - just stay away from them all for a couple of years, till all the dust has settled, till you are 100% happy. You went straight from one severely abusive relationship into another - bound to be a problem.

You don't need a man who will drain you, you need supportive friends (who can be male!) who are truly there for you (like all of us on MN!)

When time passes, you will start to understand why you have had these relationships. It's easy to get sucked in when a man is sooooooo nice at first - the thing is this: why do we stay in relationships which start to be abusive?

Been there myself - but now I have my DP who is soooo wonderful tho, best dad, best partner.

There is hope!

taxiservice · 12/09/2008 18:20

Ah loneliness - a horrible thing. Have you ever lived alone? Don't forget that you have your children around you and they sound very supportive.

Do get involved with things like PTA at school, voluntary organisations etc. They are a great way to make good friends.

I have to disagree with pickle - I wouldn't go near a man for a long time, simply because you are all vulnerable atm.

Take care and well done you!

clam · 13/09/2008 15:06

I, too, am awed by your strength. You are able to be the lioness guarding her cubs with regard to your DCs. Just make sure you do the same for yourself - although it sounds as though you have, so far as this new bloke is concerned. Don't let ANYONE treat you with anything less than the utmost respect.

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 23/09/2008 10:11

Hi everyone

The news you've all been waiting for......

Ex was formally charged with rape yesterday, six counts in all, three against me and three against his ex wife. He is bailed to appear for his court appearance on 2nd October, although it will be next year before I am required to give evidence. So fingers crossed that the jury see that he's guilty and lock him up! Unfortunately they are not charging him with the abuse on DD2, or the cruelty towards my older 2, purely because of their ages and they don't want them put through the court process. But at least he is going to have to answer for the rapes and hopefully go down. he'll still be a sex offender, either way.

As for me, I am still 'single' as although i did see the bf again there is just no way it would work. Last night I called him to tell him about the charges and he hardly even commented, and then started going on about how I didn't make him feel important and that's what went wrong!!! I couldn't believe it...I have to face up to the fact that I married a man who had already raped (and who knows how many more women he raped)and it's only now he's been charged that I am allowing myself to really face that, and he wanted to talk about how i didn't put him at the centre of my universe!!!!Hmm...

I've also joined a social group. NOT a singles/dating group, but just a group of people who organise events regularly. I'm going out for a chinese banquet in october with them, never met any of them before but what the hell...I've never been one to dip my toe in the water, I usually jump in with both feet!!! I have no interest in meeting a man, or dating...I just want a bit of a social life!

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