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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Reported H to Social services...now what?

670 replies

sleepingwiththeenemy · 19/01/2008 16:24

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

OP posts:
sleepingwiththeenemy · 04/09/2008 10:42

Beetroot...God no!!!! Did you think I was back with my ex? You must be joking...I hope he burns in hell! This is a new relationship. Or was.
Everyone else...I'm so grateful for all your comments and continued support and wisdom. You're all right, of course, as am I as I had already more or less decided I didn't need him. In fact I don't miss him at all. The only thing that changed for me is that I have one less to cook for and clean up after. That's it. he never took me out (blamed the kids), was never romantic (blamed the kids)...blah blah....I can't be doing with it. I'm not bothered about having a man anyway, I'm perfectly happy with the kids, and if and when love comes along then brilliant.

OP posts:
sleepingwiththeenemy · 04/09/2008 10:43

Ah, crossed posts beetroot, lol. Things get lost in translation on here don't they?

OP posts:
Beetroot · 04/09/2008 10:46

so glad you are thinking this way

mangolassi · 04/09/2008 10:49

Sleeping, I've just skimmed your thread from start to finish. You're amazing. Your kids are amazing. Please don't put yourself or your kids through any more crap.

Oh, and have you thought about changing your name? It seems kind of out-of-date (or maybe you just really like the film, I don't know

Notquitegrownup · 04/09/2008 10:53

Sleeping, I have followed your thread with huge admiration for all you have achieved, but never posted before. However, I just wanted to add my support now for you and to echo the previous poster.

You may well know that, sadly, it's a known fact that we tend to find partners who share similar traits to our previous partners, even if these are hidden at first. The pattern can be broken, as you become aware of what attracts you to men who are, for example, controlling, or them to you, but this tends to need counselling to help you identify and break the pattern.

Glad that you sound so strong too, and that you have spotted this before things go any further. Thinking of you.

sleepingwiththeenemy · 04/09/2008 10:53

Good point Mango...I will do. Never even thought about it, but will have to think of a suitably uplifting one. My session time is nearly up now - you only get two 30 minute sessions a day - so will have to go in a bit.
By the way...DD2 started school today!!!!! She's only 4 and looked so cute. She's only there til 12, so I can go and get her soon. It was a wrench leaving her I can tell you!

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Notquitegrownup · 04/09/2008 10:55

Sorry - cross posted with the others.

Once again - you are inspirational. Do hope that you are getting some rl support, as well as MN.

sleepingwiththeenemy · 04/09/2008 10:57

Unfortunately I have no support whatsoever in rl...I know nobody really apart from him, and any friends I had were/are his friends. But I'm working on it...hopefully I will make some friends at teh school. But I can tell you this has made me soooo strong.

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SpandexIsMyEnemy · 04/09/2008 10:57

NO RUN RUN for the hills and never look back.

there are nice men out there - this one is not, this one's a controlling arse. and tbh sounds like his mothers quite interfering.

leave don't contact him again. how dare they tell you how to raise YOUR children!!!

oh and fwiw you're not a crap mother, you're a fantastic strong caring mum who's had a lot of shite to deal with and are doing whats best & right for the kids.

leave. - as you say DD1 has been left feeling unwanted by XH, so you knwo what u have to do.

mangolassi · 04/09/2008 10:58

Cool, I'll keep an eye out for this thread then - or a new one announcing your brand new, kick-arse name

sleepingwiththeenemy · 04/09/2008 10:59

Ok, am about to get kicked off now but keep posting. and thanks.

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Beetroot · 04/09/2008 11:40

well done

you will make friends at school

mistlethrush · 04/09/2008 11:41

Sleeping - I lurked earlier in the year - but must answer your recent posts. You can't 'invest too much time' in your kids. There is being over-protective - but it doesn't sound as though you are remotely this, and encourage lots of positive and interesting things for your dcs. In the light of your recent past, I would not be criticising you for being overprotective, even if you were - would be quite understandable.

Find new friends - there are lots of places, and the school should be a good starting place. Don't get stuck in a relationship that is not right for you.

Best of luck

missjennipenni · 04/09/2008 17:14

How dare his mother criticise your mothering skills! Im outraged on your behlaf!

sleepingwiththeenemy · 05/09/2008 10:22

Hi, no name change as yet as don't want to waste valuable library time on admin! Anyway, back to the saga in hand...something else I found difficult to get my head around is the lack of loyalty from him. He's told his mates all about what's happened to me and the kids, so we are now stuck with the 'stigma' of being sexual abuse victims - although I much prefer to see us as survivors rather than victims . And when DD1 was getting into 'trouble' with lads at school when we first moved, he chose to tell his teenage daughter, who is at the same school as DD1!!! I was furious that he did that. The last thing DD1 needed was to have all and sundry gossiping about her at a new school. I thought, and still do, that there was more to her behaviour and that it was down to the abuse...I haven't completely ruled out the possibility that she was also sexually abused by her stepfather, and this was her way of reacting to it. But instead of protecting her, my (then) bf decided to spread gossip!

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sleepingwiththeenemy · 05/09/2008 11:10

Managed to snatch another half hour...anybody about?

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Buda · 05/09/2008 12:17

Hi!

God - he sounds like a plonker. Am so sorry you met another one.

Do you think he will be OK abut you finishing things? A bit worried that he might turn nasty.

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 05/09/2008 13:35

bloody hell as if you don't have enough to contend with, I know the mature thing to do would be to ignore it - but well tbh I think i'd have to go into the school and say something and then say something to the 'man' - pathetic twat, along the lines of to butt out and it's nothing to do with him what your business is. on your behalf.

god i'm outraged. anyhow.

hold your heads up high - and also tell DD1 to hold her head up high as well - MN as a community is immensely proud of all of you (without sounding condesending)

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 05/09/2008 13:35

i'm so sorry your trust has been misplaced. they're not all like him - honestly they're not.

missjennipenni · 05/09/2008 20:15

he sounds truly awful. he has no respect for you and no respect for your poor daughter

sleepingwiththeenemy · 06/09/2008 12:44

Hi, back in the library again! Spandex...don't worry, I know they're not all like him, and one day I will meet someone worthy of me and my children. I hope that doesn't sound big headed because believe me, I'm not, but I have learnt a lot about myself in this, and have discovered that I am a nice, decent, honest person with a lot to give, and that my children, given the right circumstances, will flourish. Fortunately I am an eternal optimist...bloody good job too methinks .
Buda, I have no worries concerning him turning nasty...he's not like that. In fact, I would go so far as to say he is too lazy and it would be too much effort. I haven't seen or heard from him since last Friday, so 9 days now. Not that I'm bothered, just surprised.

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lilymolly · 06/09/2008 13:18

Please please please dump this horrendous man.

You are an absolute star, and have been the most amazing mum. I think you should be very proud of yourself.

Dropkick this wanker into next week and please have some time alone with you and the kids and learn to have fun and laughter and joy in your lives before you even think about having another man in it.

Good luck and sending you loads of love through cyberspace

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 06/09/2008 15:41

not big headed, but you're right thou you do deserve someone better. honestly the very best kind gentle man.

sleepingwiththeenemy · 08/09/2008 11:17

Hi all. Just popped into the library again (thank God for bus passes otherwise I'd have to take out a small mortgage to pay for the bus fares into town every day!!!) so thought I'd say hi.
Still not heard anything from you know who...not in the least bit bothered and enjoying being single and independent! It's great...I don't have to shave my arms or legs if I don't want to, can get into my pyjamas at tea time and scrub off my make up, I can buy packs of 4 burgers/fish cakes/grills etc without having to have to think about whether he was coming for dinner and therefore needing a fifth serving.... Incidentally, I'm on benefits and he still would eat at mine most nights, then bugger off without offering to wash up OR help me with the shopping money. Hmmm....

OP posts:
nik76 · 08/09/2008 11:18

all relationships have a shelf life - this one was up, it was nice whilst it lasted but hey never mind. good to hear you are well.

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