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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband always shouting and swearing at me

90 replies

Mama133 · 02/08/2022 00:14

I've been married for 15 years and have 2 children, 9 and 14. My husband has a bad temper and goes from 0 to 100 in seconds. He is the same with the kids. He is not violent at all. I don't like the way he talks to me and its starting to make me miserable. He will shout and swear at me in the street and when I tell him it's embarrassing and at least wait until we get in the house but he doesn't care. The things he gets wound up about are minor things like someone leaving the fridge door ajar by accident or just anything really. Today I got in from work and accidently knocked his charging cable out and he just went off on one. He shouts and f's and goes ballistic over nothing in my eyes... he says we wind him up. He also calls us names most commonly donkey or idiot in general conversation. I'm a very forgiving person and mostly the next day it will just be forgotten and he will be back to normal - until the next time. He's getting worse. I wonder why we are even married, he spends his weekends at golf and then we do do things together as a family in the afternoon but I have to be the one to arrange it. He wouldn't dream of asking me to go somewhere to spend time together and we hardly talk. I've thought about leaving many times but then things are ok again and I forget about it. Is this just life or do you think we have problems. Advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 02/08/2022 00:20

Leave him. That’s my advice. You’re miserable, your husband is an abusive bully and your life currently doesn’t sound very nice. Change that.

wellhelloitsme · 02/08/2022 00:20

You and your children are being abused.

The only option that is right for them is for you to leave your abuser.

They are being more and more damaged every day you stay with this man.

The longer you stay, the more likely it is that they will replicate this dynamic themselves in their own adult relationships. Wouldn't that break your heart, whether they ended up becoming victims or abusers?

Please don't stay any longer.

Bunty55 · 02/08/2022 00:21

Does he shout and swear at anyone else OP. Work mates, family, friends??

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 02/08/2022 00:24

That's not in the slightest bit normal op. Rmember that he is teaching your children how men behave. The three of you must be so stressed trying not to upset him constantly. You have to leave him, both for their sake and for yours.

Silvercurtains · 02/08/2022 00:24

He won’t change. You need to end the relationship. He’s abusing you and your children. Please speak to Women’s Aid.

Purplepatsy · 02/08/2022 00:32

This really isn't normal and you deserve so much better than this. Please, just get him out of your lives. It's not going to get any better.

Original poster
Mama133 · 02/08/2022 00:40

No just us, my own family have witnessed it too, we had a family party the other night and he got wound up and started swearing at my son who is 9. It just makes me cringe, he doesn't care who hears.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 02/08/2022 00:43

Mama133 · 02/08/2022 00:40

No just us, my own family have witnessed it too, we had a family party the other night and he got wound up and started swearing at my son who is 9. It just makes me cringe, he doesn't care who hears.

You're currently staying with a man who is abusing your children as well as you.

They don't have a choice to leave or stay. You do.

You cannot continue to watch him abusing them.

This is doing untold damage to them.

He's an abuser who chooses to abuse women and children.

I'm baffled that your family have also witnessed his abuse and not stepped in.

They're being abused.

Staying with him shouldn't be an option.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2022 00:48

Your husband IS violent. He's emotionally violent and the damage being done to your children is incalculable. You must leave this man for their sake if you won't do it for your own.

FictionalCharacter · 02/08/2022 01:37

No it isn’t just life, it’s extremely abnormal. My father was like this, though he managed to control himself in front of other people and everyone else thought he was lovely. It affected us kids very badly and it’s doing the same to yours. I genuinely hated him. Back then women were encouraged to stay in miserable marriages like this “for the sake of the children” but our lives would have been so much better if they had split. The day I left home was a wonderful relief. The atmosphere in our house was horrible and we walked on eggshells all the time.

He doesn’t like you or love you, sadly. If you won’t end this marriage for yourself, think about what it’s doing to your kids. They could end up hating you for staying with him and allowing them to be subjected to continual aggression and abuse.

It’s so sad that you don’t like him making a scene in public but you’re willing to let him let rip at you when you get home. Your self esteem is shot to pieces.

theChickenDinner · 02/08/2022 01:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sapphirensteel · 02/08/2022 03:40

PP have said it all.
You do seem very concerned about the neighbours hearing, or being embarrassed in front of your family —- but not about protecting your children from this awful abuse. Your children will think this is acceptable, normal behaviour, this is how you treat a gf , a wife. If you have daughters they will expect to be treated like this, see it as acceptable. Is that the future you want for your dc?
You know leaving, or having him removed, is the only answer.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/08/2022 04:13

*started swearing at my son who is 9

Is this what you want for your child?

Onthemaintrunkline · 02/08/2022 05:06

You have to be constantly living in dread. This is no way to live, I can’t imagine tip toeing around someone for fear of the next explosive episode. This man has got a serious anger problem and nothing you do, or say is going to change the situation. He needs professional help, whether he’s willing to admit to his problem, of course is another matter. I don’t say this lightly, nobody should put up with this behaviour, you, your children deserve so much better. Leave this misery behind.

mathanxiety · 02/08/2022 05:26

You are far too forgiving of this abuse.

That's what you are describing. It's abuse, constant and undeserved and it will destroy you and your children too.

Call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.

You need help leaving as soon and as smoothly as possible.

pointythings · 02/08/2022 09:43

Shouting and swearing is violence. It's just not physical. Your husband is abusive. Your children are learning that this is what relationships are - it's incredibly damaging.

I wouldn't be giving him any more chances, but if you choose to do so then you need to tell him this is it: he goes to anger management, he stops behaving like this completely, one more strike and he is out - and mean it.

firstmummy2019 · 02/08/2022 10:01

I grew up with a stepdad like this. Took me years to trust men. Then when I did start opening up, I subconsciously chose similar men. Thus, the cycle of abuse carried on. Do you want your son turning into an angry young man? Your daughter turning into a fearful young woman?

Afterfire · 02/08/2022 10:03

Wow your poor son! That’s child abuse and if you stay with your dh your complicit in it.

You must leave.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 02/08/2022 10:10

Would you voluntarily spend large amounts of time with anyone who swore frequently at you and your son and called you idiots.

If this was your brother, or cousin or a friend you would probably have cut them from your life by now.

Abuse doesn't have to be physical, this is still abuse and every bit as damaging

Don't let your son grow up to believe this is a normal way to treat women and children

GreenManalishi · 02/08/2022 10:13

Is this just life? It will be your life, and the life you choose for your kids until you decide that it's not good enough for you, or them.

layladomino · 02/08/2022 10:13

Your poor, poor children. My heart goes out to them reading this. They must live in fear of 'making' him angry. He is a tyrant. They are being abused. They must be walking on eggshells all the time, not able to relax and be themselves in their own home.

They will think this is 'normal' and could well choose partners like your husband when they are older. Or become like him themselves.

They are powerless in this. But you can do something about it. You can protect them, and show them what life should be like. You can leave your vile husband and give your children a calm and loving home where they can be children and enjoy life. You can show them that they shouldn't ever put up with abuse.

If your family have seen some of this, I would imagine they are desperate for you to leave him, and you will get support from them when you do.

For your sake, and even more for your childrens' sakes, please leave this horrible man who is an awful husband and father. You all deserve better.

Original poster
Mama133 · 02/08/2022 10:32

Thanks for all your comments. My family aren't desperate for me to leave him. My mother brought me up to believe you stayed in a marriage for the sake of the kids and neither of my parents are interested in problems. I wouldn't have anywhere to go. We have a nice life albeit financially and my husband works hard to support the family as do I. The kids do love him and I don't feel are scared of him it's become normality for them now which I agree with you all is very sad. I just want him to treat us decently. Someone said he neither likes me or loves me and that is how I feel although he says otherwise.

OP posts:
PermanentlyTired03 · 02/08/2022 10:39

I imagine this is a silly question but would he consider some sort of anger management? F'ing and blinding at everyone all the time must be a horrible situation to be in.
My husband went through a phase of being like that with me DD l, when I called him on it he almost didn't realise he was being like it or that it was upsetting me so much.

thethoughtfox · 02/08/2022 11:05

You asked your husband to wait till you were in private to abuse you. This is so sad.

oobeedoobee · 02/08/2022 11:16

Just because your poor kids are 'used to it', doesn't mean they are not being severely damaged by this abuse !

Get it out of your head that it's somehow 'ok' for any of you to live like this !

It doesn't matter one iota whether your family would 'support' you leaving him and getting divorced either, because they are not the ones living in fear daily ! You and your kids are !

You've got to be the one to get your kids away from being abused daily, because no-one else will ! You're the parent, and it's your responsibility ! What would you do if it was a teacher screaming and swearing at them daily ? Would that also be 'ok' to you ?

And remember, it's not you who has made your home life abusive and toxic, it's HIM ! He is choosing to abuse you all, and doesn't give a toss who knows about it either, but he's fine to keep his temper in check at work, or with his pals, isn't he ? I'll bet he wouldn't ever 'lose it' like that where he would be held to account or beaten up for his abuse, would he ? No, because he CAN behave 'normally', he just LIKES to have you all living in bloody 'fear' of him ! Prick !

Phone Womens Aid and get advice about how to leave this shit !