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Coming to terms with just being sad forever. And how do you hide it?
87

WellWaitForItToPass · 02/08/2022 00:00

I just can’t put any more effort in to trying to be happy. I can’t. I’m done.
But I also can’t let my children keep seeing how terribly unhappy I am. It’s not fair.

I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking that if I could get at the root cause then I could sort it but I haven’t managed to and I can’t try any more. It’s not fair because I haven’t got real problems like a lot of people have. I’ve got enough money and a nice enough life from the outside.

I don’t know what to do and I’m fed up of being a terrible mother. I don’t have any friends to talk to and I just don’t know what to do.

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Unwavering721 · 02/08/2022 00:03

it sounds like you have been trying to suppress the sadness…what would happen if you tried the opposite and let yourself be sad and cry? Are you burnt out? Taking on too much?

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DorritLittle · 02/08/2022 00:11

Sorry you are feeling this way. You say you haven't any real problems but what are your small problems? I bet they add up to a real problem and it is fine to acknowledge them even if you have a nice life on the outside.

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EntertainingandFactual · 02/08/2022 00:11

You sound very depressed OP.
Could you see your GP so that you can start to work out what is behind your sadness?
Is it caused by PTSD, grief, genetics, AD, hormones?
One day at a time - I take Prozac for depression and anxiety disorder. It doesn’t make me happy but it stops me from spiralling.

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SleepingStandingUp · 02/08/2022 00:13

It's hard to comment without knowing if you're a line parent and how old the kids are. Have you spoken to your GP about depression?

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WellWaitForItToPass · 02/08/2022 00:15

I cry most days. I try to never cry in front of people but the children see sometimes.

I am completely burnt out. My husband works away. He’s a workaholic. I look after the children alone and have always done. I have no friends because we live in my husbands country where being English is like being a leper. I went back to uni by working at night (literally instead of sleeping) to retrain so I could have a career. This I have done but I’ve never been able to find reliable childcare for it which has been a constant source of stress and worry.
I just can’t do it all any more but I can’t stop any of it either and I don’t have any help or any friends. I’ve lost touch with all my old friends and I’ll never ever make new ones here. My kids don’t even get invited for playdates. The kids in school tease them for having an English mum.

So there’s nothing to be done but just keep going, I can’t be happy though I just can’t see it happening. But I have to hide it from the children and I just don’t know how. They’re amazing and don’t deserve any of this.

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WellWaitForItToPass · 02/08/2022 00:18

Sorry for moaning. And thank you for the replies.

I’ve tried talking therapy twice and it was awful and made me feel worse. I can’t go to the GP because I always have the kids with me. And they won’t be able to give me friends and childcare and solve any other issues so I can’t see the point.

I’ve done being cheerful and distracting myself with hobbies and exercise. I couldn’t sustain it.

I’m aware that this is just one long moan and I’m sorry.

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user143677433 · 02/08/2022 00:18

It sounds like you under a huge amount of stress, and all of it situational.

What would it be like (theoretically) if you separated from your husband and took the children back to England?

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GoT1904 · 02/08/2022 00:20

I'm not surprised you feel so sad if that's how you're treated for being English. Can't you move back? It could make such a difference. For your children too.

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LaCorOr · 02/08/2022 00:21

Sounds like you've done brilliantly with your retraining. How awful that you can't use it.

If your husband works away all the time anyway, isn't it feasible for you to move back to England? Isn't he open and supportive in trying to help you have a better quality of life?

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WellWaitForItToPass · 02/08/2022 00:23

user143677433 · 02/08/2022 00:18

It sounds like you under a huge amount of stress, and all of it situational.

What would it be like (theoretically) if you separated from your husband and took the children back to England?

I think I’d be struggling with the same issues but in a smaller house with no money and the children resenting me for taking them away from the privileges of life which their fathers situation provides them. In all honesty.
They’re all I care about and I’d feel like I was putting my comfort and state of mind over theirs.

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DominoBlue · 02/08/2022 00:23

You need an urgent appointment with your GP, get on the phone first thing. You shouldn't feel sad all the time, not everyone is happy all of the time but you should feel something other than sad. Your GP can try anti-depressants or find out if it's perimenopause at fault. Perimenopause can make you feel very flat and empty. If there is a chemical imbalance in your brain the anti-depressants can fix that.

There is so much on offer these days, support groups and mental health charities. You have recognised you have a problem and thats the first step. I'm sure you are not a bad mother. We all think that at some point and the very fact that you are concerned that your children will pick up on your sadness shows you are not a bad mother.

Sometimes making a plan helps. Try writing it down; phone doctor. Do something just for you, anything small or big, eating an apple outside, 10 minute read or a bath.

A lot of people feel like this but put on an act. Try to reach out to someone you haven't spoken to for a while, a friend or a cousin, even by text. Its easy to think you will be disturbing people when really they may be glad to hear from you.

You posted this in Relationships, so I don't know if you are having problems with a partner but if you are there is always a solution and far more help available than you would expect. Phone Womens Aid if you are in a bad relationship. Or FLOWS (Finding Legal Options for Women Survivors) if you need legal advice.

Phone the Samaritans tonight if you feel really down but tomorrow the GP is your first stop. You are in control and can do something about the way you feel. Everything seems worse in the small hours. I hope you feel better tomorrow.

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WellWaitForItToPass · 02/08/2022 00:25

LaCorOr · 02/08/2022 00:21

Sounds like you've done brilliantly with your retraining. How awful that you can't use it.

If your husband works away all the time anyway, isn't it feasible for you to move back to England? Isn't he open and supportive in trying to help you have a better quality of life?

Thank you. I am working but childcare is being literally begged and borrowed day to day. Or I have to ring in sick which lets people down. We have a new nanny starting in September but she will leave after 6 months, they all do. Must be me but I don’t know what it is I do.

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LaCorOr · 02/08/2022 00:28

WellWaitForItToPass · 02/08/2022 00:23

I think I’d be struggling with the same issues but in a smaller house with no money and the children resenting me for taking them away from the privileges of life which their fathers situation provides them. In all honesty.
They’re all I care about and I’d feel like I was putting my comfort and state of mind over theirs.

Your comfort and state of mind is their comfort and state of mind

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Sahgah · 02/08/2022 00:28

I feel for you OP. I also live in a foreign country away from all my family and support. I feel sad all the time and count the days/years until the children grow up so I can move back home. I feel trapped. I don’t think I’m as bad as you as I don’t cry everyday and I have managed to make friends and really great friends too but I still have to pull to be back home

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WellWaitForItToPass · 02/08/2022 00:28

Thank you @DominoBlue for that long kind reply. I can’t go to the GP though as there’s a troop of young children following me everywhere I go. Maybe in September.

Thank you everyone who has taken time to reply. It does help to not feel completely alone.

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Footballmatchdilemma · 02/08/2022 00:31

But if they get teased at school and don’t get play dates…wouldn’t the DC be happier here too?

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MrsTerryPratchett · 02/08/2022 01:02

Have you spoken to your DH about all this?

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RiverSkater · 02/08/2022 01:35

I'd coming back to England an option? There's no point having a nice life if one person is miserable in it.
Do you love your husband, how is your marriage? Does he know any of this?
I get the crying though, it's cathartic.
💐💐💐
Keep talking on here.

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PeacefulPottering · 02/08/2022 01:46

Why don't you put the kids with the nanny and have a doctor's appointment for you? I don't get it? You have the nanny, just leave them with her and go to a doctor, tell them how you are feeling and ask for help, talking therapy, meds, just see a doctor x

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WellWaitForItToPass · 02/08/2022 02:11

We don’t have a nanny. Our last one left in May and I couldn’t find a new one to start before September.

I get what people are saying about a GP but I have tried talking therapy twice and it was awful, and meds aren’t going to improve the actual situation. The best they might do is just numb me to it. So I’ve been really reluctant to go down that route but now I suppose I’m feeling numb to the world anyway.

I’ve spoken to my husband and he knows how I feel but he can’t just give up work. He does talk about moving in the future when finances are hopefully better and will allow us to buy but I don’t know if he actually would.
He tries to help but he’s not really a sensitive, feelings-type person. Basically he’s a good person but not a counsellor and doesn’t really get it. His past complete lack of being here to help with young kids has been a major cause of my stress levels. He realises this now and tries to make up for it but it’s a bit late really.

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WellWaitForItToPass · 02/08/2022 12:25

Stayed up crying until half 2 and still feeling crap. I’ve no idea how I can fix this 😢

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user143677433 · 03/08/2022 17:00

How are you feeling today?

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CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 03/08/2022 17:26

You can't keep yourself apart in isolation, no wonder you are struggling. Husband isn't a source of emotional support and a social pariah in the country you call home! That's super tough. My heart goes out to you.
Are there no other ex-pats about? Could you hire a British nanny so you had a fellow outsider to share your children with, at least you would have a common culture?
I think you can mitigate what your children see by being honest with why you are sad. You could say you are missing being able to make friends and you are sorry that they see your sadness but not to worry. You could even say it helps you understand how they feel when people are unkind to them at school and that at least that means you are a team who understand each other and have each others back - you will always have theirs. That's the flip side to sharing struggles it gives you a bond. If you name your sadness I think it will worry them less as it won't be a mysterious thing which could be huge or scary and they don't know what so perhaps could fret.
I hope an emotional lifeline is thrown for you in the foreseeable because I have been at rock bottom like you are (though for different reasons) and not being able to 'fix it' alone is no failing of yours, we aren't built to be so isolated and joyless and still operate happily.
Seratonin gets topped up when we smile or laugh and have fun....

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CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 03/08/2022 17:26

You can't keep yourself happy that should say... Not apart! Autocorrect is a blessing and a curse

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Itemremovedfromthebaggingarea · 03/08/2022 17:36

Hi op - how old are your kids? Also, I’m wondering if you’re in a position to get home to England on a regular basis, have you support/family there? I’ve been in your shoes, I could have written your post and so I know just how you feel x

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