Coming to terms with just being sad forever. And how do you hide it?

[WellWaitForItToPass]

I just can’t put any more effort in to trying to be happy. I can’t. I’m done.
But I also can’t let my children keep seeing how terribly unhappy I am. It’s not fair.

I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking that if I could get at the root cause then I could sort it but I haven’t managed to and I can’t try any more. It’s not fair because I haven’t got real problems like a lot of people have. I’ve got enough money and a nice enough life from the outside.

I don’t know what to do and I’m fed up of being a terrible mother. I don’t have any friends to talk to and I just don’t know what to do.

I'm not Welsh so I won't presume to speak. I do have Scottish roots however and the genocidal history of the English pretty much everywhere is interesting.

My Scottish GF lived in North Wales and everyone was delightful.

Why can't you take your kids along to your GP appointment? Not sure I understand.

I can't recommend medication enough. I was like you. Crying each day, just couldn't remember ever being happy. I am also in a similar life situation as you. I finally accepted that I had to explore medication.

It's changed my life. And at least now I can think more rationally about my circumstances and plan what to change instead of always wondering what was the depression and what was logic speaking.

OP takes issue with every potential solution. Seems like she doesn't actually want one.

I feel for you op. I hated living abroad in my thirties as I find developing countries too challenging to flourish in. Luckily I had no children so it was easy to leave after a year. I hope you can return to England with the children soon? Can you sit down and discuss the advantages of moving back - do you think they would understand?

I feel for you OP. I spent 15 years trying to integrate in a rural area, and that was England and I speak the language.

it is truly awful and so isolating.

as pp have said, the first step is the meds. Join the club here - they are fantastic and you will feel so much better.

give it a couple of months for the meds to settle in. Then you can make future plans. Your DH is willing to move. - mine wasn’t - so that is a massive plus. Then you can find a job to use the training you have worked so hard for, put your kids in a school where they are not mocked for having an English mum, and start life again as a happy family.

it will all work out, but you must get to the GP asap.

That's depression for you - it feels like there can be no ways out and nothing will help.

I’m Irish (from Northern Ireland) and the Scots (of which Ulster Scots are the descendants) did shocking things to the native populous here from the Plantation onward. And when it comes to the entire Empire in general, the Scots were right up there with the English governors.

It doesn’t make any sense (ultimately its backward thinking).

As a teenager I recall watching the film In the Name of the Father (Day-Lewis and Emma Thompson are both magnificent in it) and being angry at Brits (Welsh, Scots, English). I grew out of such backwardness when I grew up and realised you can’t judge a mass group of people based on a tiny few. I went to Uni in England and loved every second of it with the people being a large reason for that. When I was in England I did have one or two unfairly judge me based on the actions of the tiny number of people in Ireland who were involved in bombings...was very interesting experiencing the other side of such thinking.

If you were to judge America on the cop that killed George Floyd, or the small group of white founders of that country who catered for their own privileged whites (male in particular), wrote laws that had white only citizenship (1791), limited voting to white male property owners, labelled Natives non human (“savages” in the Declaration of Independence ‘of land belonging to those who were dehumanised’), had them removed from their lands and built statues that celebrated such conquest/genocide, had individuals like george washington and thomas jefferson owning 600 plus black slaves (whom they deemed ‘property’ (not people) in the Articles of confederation) with both taking out adverts in newspapers that sought the return of their runaway slaves (able to do so due to the Fugitive Slave Law (which they had signed) in the constitution)...to then judge millions of people based on a tiny group of monsters like these, would be grossly unfair.

Those who wield power and/or commit horrible acts are very small, they are not the masses. So any (insert nationality here) who hates another nationality is exceptionally backward.

My husband is Welsh from South Wales. He never bullies anyone who is from England even saying things as a joke as some people can be very sensitive and get offended though he doesn't get offended in this case.

We've lived in England (moved for my husband's better job and career opportunity for nearly 7 years (2008-2014) and we loved it there. We sometimes go and visit some of our friends we met there.

The sports rivalry must never go outside sport into everyday life.

So where are better job prospects, opportunities, salaries, and income?

In England! Especially south-east England.

So having an English Mum is a huge plus for your children!

Lots of wrong slavery type of things happened in history and in the past in all Empires (British, Russian, Osman, Rome).

We should know about them and not dwell on that negative information trying to build a happy free democratic UK and other civilized countries.

I think "arsehole syndrome" is a simpler explanation. The OP hasn't been committing genocide on anyone and I expect the locals know that unless they are very stupid.

All is not lost. You are clearly depressed and probably can't remember the last time you felt well and happy and in control. Anti depressants will take the edge off things but you also need a few wins to improve your mental health. Counselling too if that's a possibility.

Meanwhile remind yourself you have many successes. You have a good, decent husband who will do anything he can to help you get better - work with him. Don't push him away.
You have successfully retrained - when your DCs are at school you need to find a way to use these new skills.
You have withstood a horrible local environment - get yourself and your family away from there. A city might be better but don't stay in rural Wales any longer.
You prioritise your DCs but really your children will be happier the happier you are. You are central to your family's wellbeing so you must take priority.

Look for somewhere else to live, visit a GP and try to get some counselling - all with a view to moving towards a better life. It's by no means too late and posting on here is a brave first step to moving forward.