Coming to terms with just being sad forever. And how do you hide it?

[WellWaitForItToPass]

I just can’t put any more effort in to trying to be happy. I can’t. I’m done.
But I also can’t let my children keep seeing how terribly unhappy I am. It’s not fair.

I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking that if I could get at the root cause then I could sort it but I haven’t managed to and I can’t try any more. It’s not fair because I haven’t got real problems like a lot of people have. I’ve got enough money and a nice enough life from the outside.

I don’t know what to do and I’m fed up of being a terrible mother. I don’t have any friends to talk to and I just don’t know what to do.

Where does your husband work away at? Why do you need to stay in the middle of nowhere if that's not where your husband's work is?
Medication and a decent night's sleep for the first time in years will help but you really do need to move. Nothing is going to change if you change nothing.
I really think you have a chance of being happy again. You shouldn't give up.

OP, you deserve to be happy and so do your children. Staying and being miserable is failing them.

youve got stuck but you can change this. Your husband is willing.

move, move, move.

yes it will take time but moving somewhere that isn’t permanently excluding you is the first step to improving things in

Are your kids in school yet? Sounds like they're going to be miserable as well.

Be strong for them a little longer. Try the medication, move somewhere larger and friendlier. Give yourself options.

Really sorry you are having such a tough time OP.

You have to transfer the focus and determination you put into training (that’s an extraordinary achievement), into sorting the rest of your life out.

You are clearly depressed and their is a real air of learned helplessness across all your posts. Honestly when I read the early ones I assume you were far from the UK, like the Middle East or somewhere, but you are only in Wales.

This is all sortable. But you have to stop refusing to do anything about it and saying it’s all hopeless. You would never have got your qualification that way, would you?

You are depressed. Arrange a phone appointment with the GP. Insist on anti-depressants. You absolutely need them to get your head above water.

Tell your husband that you cannot live in a Welsh speaking area any longer. You need to work out between you the options for moving and make a plan to have done that within 6 months (might end up being 12 months but aim for 6). Be clear with him it’s a health crisis and there is no alternative. (If he refuses you will have to separate, but let’s assume it won’t.)

You will have to do some therapy to work on your mental state (it’s not usual for it to feel worse before it feels better), but this probably isn’t the right time

So 2 actions - anti depressants, and a plan to move within 6 months. Get on with it.

Can't you move closer to family, and husband visit on weekends until he can move permanently. Why is there a need for him to work in such a remote part of Wales?

Your husband clearly wants you to be happy, and has suggested a change. Why would you reefuse to try?

There will be other English people not too far away. Your family aren't that far away. Your husband has offered to move. You can keep in touch with old friends online if you can't see them often. It's up to you to get back in touch with them if you lost touch. You can see your GP and ask for help with meds to smooth out your emotions until you are in a stronger place to deal with them.

In short, there are lots of things you can do to improve your situation and your MH. It's up to you to make those changes. Your husband sounds supportive which is great. Things can change, but if you give up and decide this is how life is then that's how it will be. If you decide now you'll be unhappy forever then that's what will happen. Or you could decide you're going to start making changes / come up with a plan. You might start feeling better just having the plan. Get your DH on board and plan for a happy future. Your problems are all surmountable.

And as far as moving goes - children adapt. Many, many do. Some children have to put up with regular moves. That's not a reason to stay unhappy. (And being unhappy WILL have an impact on your children. It will be far more damaging than moving counties).

“You have to transfer the focus and determination you put into training (that’s an extraordinary achievement), into sorting the rest of your life out.

You are clearly depressed and their is a real air of learned helplessness across all your posts. Honestly when I read the early ones I assume you were far from the UK, like the Middle East or somewhere, but you are only in Wales.

This is all sortable. But you have to stop refusing to do anything about it and saying it’s all hopeless. You would never have got your qualification that way, would you?

You are depressed. Arrange a phone appointment with the GP. Insist on anti-depressants. You absolutely need them to get your head above water.

Tell your husband that you cannot live in a Welsh speaking area any longer. You need to work out between you the options for moving and make a plan to have done that within 6 months (might end up being 12 months but aim for 6). Be clear with him it’s a health crisis and there is no alternative. (If he refuses you will have to separate, but let’s assume it won’t.)“

All of this, OP.

Remember your children are suffering social exclusion too. This isn’t just about you and it isn’t really okay for you to decide you’ll just wallow rather than address the situation especially when your DH has made clear he’s happy to move.

Your children need to be removed from the current situation as well. It’s hurting them too and they will suffer more the older they get because friendships with peers become increasingly important as children get older and more independent.

You sound lonely

Would you contemplate moving elsewhere in Wales? less remote, more English speaking people and slightly more suburban to integrate more
There are towns nearby that could give you more positivity

It may be that your husband will have to commute a bit further every day but at least you and your children will have more of a variety being less remote, they could join clubs, have swimming lessons, sports etc etc and you can have time for yourself to do the things you need to to rebalance your life
Your husband does sound very supportive
North Wales is a beautiful part of the UK but can be very remote for families unless you were farmers
I love the remoteness and peacefulness of the area, but I certainly couldn’t live there

Well I’ve started looking on Rightmove. And I don’t think it’s affordable at the moment. Can’t believe how much house prices have gone up 😢

Never mind. Maybe once I’ve been to the GP I’ll be feeling more positive. Thanks again.

@WellWaitForItToPass you can’t look on right move and decide everything is unaffordable.

yes to GP first, as trying something and concluding 5 mins on it won’t work is also a sign of depression.

but selling / buying now would be crazy. Move and rent out your place/ rent in the new place first. See if you like it, if its the right area .

then once you e figured out a better place, and settled into a job there look at where you could afford and sell / buy

My heart goes out to you op as you have given this your considerable all. But such a long slog of relentless social exclusion is absolutely the root cause of your feelings and as such are contextual. I have been at rock bottom like you are now and the thought that there was any possibility of ever feeling any other way was a ludicrous fantasy fact. I was deep in the hole, so deep I couldn't see the light at top. Every step was lead boots, I had lost my sense of humour and just had no spring in me, every little thing just was work.
However, because my mental state did not have a medical cause, it was, like you, caused by a prolonged period of joy austerity basically. Which meant that once the situation started to change so did my state of mind. And slowly slowly I started to get myself back. I am now in a place I would never have thought possible 5 years ago. I now laugh easily and can take things in my stride, I am able to be a better mum and wife and am not wearing lead boots (if not a lead suit) anymore.
Your situation reads very similarly to me. You clearly have immense inner resources to have come this far and achieved so much in such a hostile emotional landscape, but this constant isolation and rejection would beat anyone and is why you feel this way.
But it isn't forever, your feelings can definitely return to your previous happy state they just need to be given the chance. Flowers don't bloom without soil and water.
What does your dh do for a living? Relocation has to happen its just how.

Btw The community you are in should be ashamed of themselves for being so hostile to you.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. If your husband is willing to fix this, then the first thing he needs to do is book a day off work so he can watch the kids while you go to the doctor.

Can you live a little farther from his work so you can be in a bigger town with more friend options? You implied that you live in the area you do because his work pays well there, but you also say you can't afford to move. Even if you have to live in a smaller home, it might be worth it if it allows you to be in a friendlier area. How long is his commute? How far away is the closest English-speaking town?

Move out of the area to a primarily English speaking area as soon as possible. Your husband has said he'll do this.
There are loads of cheap places to live in the UK apart from North Wales.
You don't even need to use your mental wellbeing as the rationale if that makes you feel selfish (which it isn't by the way).
But simply for the reason that your kids are being completely excluded. That would be an instant exit reason for me, on their behalf.
Make a plan together with your husband, with timings (crucially) and this should help to unstick your mindset.
Like others I assumed you were in a distant foreign country. This is so fixable, you just need help to see that.

You don't have to buy - you can keep your current house and rent it out, you and your dh can both work, and you'll be able to rent somewhere, perhaps near family or friends, somewhere you'd have a support network ready-made, ideally?

You can work on finding the right house to buy in the long term. Far far better to get yourself out of this miserable situation asap, for everyone's sake.

Your situation is unbearable. You do have 'real' problems - you are desperately lonely and isolated and concerned your children are being shunned socially too. That way of life is unneccessary. Nothing is worth this level of long term unhappiness.

First, you need to get yourself over to visit family and friends this summer. Take leave or even sign off sick - you are actually severely depressed. I have been in that state of mind - crying all the time is a classic symptom. You shouldn't be trying to work in this condition. Take the kids and go somewhere for two weeks where you are liked and loved and known, where your children are accepted and included.

Next, as PP said, look properly at moving. You need to be somewhere you feel at home. How about Chester - you'd be back in England, it's a beautiful town and you'd make friends. As would your DC. Or Liverpool - a friend moved there recently, expecting to be shunned for being a posh southerner and said people couldn;t be more friendly and she loves it. Or Shrewsbury? I'd go for an English town with in reach of north Wales. or a small place on the right side of Manchester.

You need some structure in your life, where you have things to look forward to each week. Can you sign up for an online course that is live - not uni, something unpressurised and fun - film studies or creative writing or an online book club where you get to chat to other people. Can you book some weekends back in England for the coming term, try to hook up with old friends. Are there any fitness classes you could join or running clubs. You don;t have to make friends - don;t even have to try - just be polite but go to help yourself feel better because exercise really does help.

If therapy doesn't work could you try something a bit woo - yoga or meditation to help calm your mind. People who teach these things tend to be a bit more open minded and might be less rejecting of you for being English.

Finally, I would look at getting a short term dose of antidepressants, not to block out your feelings but just to lift you out of the depths of sadness, and then you can slowly come off them once you feel a bit more on an even keel.

I honestly think you can be happy again. By the way, I had undiagnosed PND for four bloody years. Four! It doesn't go away just because you no longer have pregnancy hormones. I needed medication to clear it up. It's possible that happened to you and then it's a vicious circle because people avoid you and you get lonelier.

I agree, it doesn't make me numb but it has mostly stopped the complete panic unbearable feelings.

@WellWaitForItToPass you said your DC have a great life where they are but you also said they don't have playdates and they get teased for having an English mum? As a child I wouldn't have considered that great, I'd want friends and playdates and birthdays with friends. If you move back to England maybe you'll still feel bad (though I don't think that's a forgone conclusion), but they would be able to make friends and have people over and not get teased. What's the great life they have were you are?

I guess you live in North Wales where most Welsh speakers live.

We live in South Wales where English is mainly the main language.

Sometimes you can make friends on What's Up/Viber.

Yes, graduating is your great achievement! Well done! Have you qualified to be a teacher? Primary school teacher or some other job? I am only guessing as you have 4 children you could choose that job.

How old are you and your children?

You can PM me if you wish.

How dare Welsh speakers bully you that you are from England!

HOW DARE Welsh-speaking children bully your children because their Mum is English?! This MUST be stopped in a bud. Have you complained to their teacher and Head Teacher to sort it?

I am from Eastern Europe. I never had this problem in South Wales.

I third the anti-depressant route - it makes you feel alive again, literally gives the energy to get up off the couch and do something about your situation instead of sitting in a puddle of self loathing and despair. Even if it's just a short course, might be enough to get you thinking more positively...

This.

The hostility is almost akin to a hate crime. You cannot help being English. Your children cannot help being English. Who are they to think they have to right to socially exclude you?

And why is your husband making you all live in the middle of nowhere? Is he from the area? Does he have family there who can support you? If he does, it does not sound like much of that is happening.

I thought you were talking about Wales from your early posts OP. We went to North Wales on holiday years ago and when we walked into a little pub and they heard we were English, they all fell silent and glared at us. It was like the film Deliverance tbh. Honestly, such a hostile place to be English. You can't waste any more time there! It sounds like are just existing. Yours and your DC happiness and quality of life is more important than staying there in a bigger house. Look at the bigger picture, and sell up and move to England. You can all have a fresh start. It sounds really sad, especially for your DC if they are being bullied and excluded. That alone is reason to move. Good luck

Your husband is willing and wanting to help you. Don't say 'it is too late' for that. Help him, help you. He can't help if he doesn't know how to. I really do feel for you, years of being isolated takes its toll, and you have done a fantastic job of trying to make the best of the situation, and opening up to how you feel. I think you have a few more big and possibly uncomfortable steps to take to start improving things for yourself. You can do this.

Why do people in North Wales hate the English?

I am not English BTW so don't understand the nuances.