Coming to terms with just being sad forever. And how do you hide it?

[WellWaitForItToPass]

I just can’t put any more effort in to trying to be happy. I can’t. I’m done.
But I also can’t let my children keep seeing how terribly unhappy I am. It’s not fair.

I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking that if I could get at the root cause then I could sort it but I haven’t managed to and I can’t try any more. It’s not fair because I haven’t got real problems like a lot of people have. I’ve got enough money and a nice enough life from the outside.

I don’t know what to do and I’m fed up of being a terrible mother. I don’t have any friends to talk to and I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve spoken to my husband and he knows how I feel but he can’t just give up work.

If he works away a lot, couldn't you move to somewhere with better childcare/jobs for you, which could pay for the additional childcare and possibly more expenses for him to get home?

This is actually a medical emergency for you and your family needs to treat it like that.

But the big house and the money are not making you happy. And an unhappy mum means unhappy children, its that simple.

You feel like a fish out of water, alone and unsupported in a country where not only you don't feel at home, you are actively excluded for who you are. I speak about this from an identical experience. Your life will improve immeasurably if you are able to move to a place where you feel you fit in.

But your husband has to agree to this, or you will not be allowed to leave with your children. So if you decide to do it, tread carefully and get him onside. I would not say you want to separate, in fact the opposite, reassure him. Explain you are incredibly unhappy and and need a change.

Bizarre isn't it how people are expected to function perfectly and no changes will be countenanced when the problem isn't physically visible. Your basic human needs of companionship, support and love (in its many forms) are not being met and yet somehow this doesn't feature in any decisions as to what shape your lives should take. All it would take would be for this to be really seen and valued by the one person around which your situation pivots and solutions (like relocating) would become possible.
If you break, as in cease to cope, will it matter then? Sounds like dh had a high flying job but all the money/status/career opportunities in the world can't piece you back together if it all gets too much.

No, that can just be nannies in the current environment. I hope you find someone who settles and gives you the respite you need. You matter too.

I think you need to make a big change in your life. This situation really is not working for you. Only you can work out what that is and it's going to take bravery

The happy pills will help, as will a friend. Is there an English club / group thingie you could try and join?

I feel your pain, and understand it, been there.

God bless you. Just wanted to extend hugs.

You don't have any real problems you say?? I think you do. Just because you're not at deaths door or you're not highly traumatised in some way, doesn't mean you don't have problems. You sound very lonely, socially isolated, tired and unfulfilled.

How old are your kids? Do you have a spare hour where they can sit in the background doing something quiet? I'm wondering if you could enrol in online classes doing something? I'm so sorry your kids don't get invited for playdates.

What used to give you joy before you had children?

OP - what were taught growing up that makes you think you have to martyr yourself in this way? What were you taught growing up that makes you think your needs count for nothing? Do you have a daughter? Would you tolerate this situation for her? Would you tolerate it for a daughter-in-law? I bet not - so why is it okay for you?

Your children will benefit infinitely more from having a contented mother than from having a flashy home environment. And if they are socially excluded as well - and it sounds like they are - it may be that they are still too young to really feel that but that will start to matter hugely as they get older. They are entitled to be in an environment where they’re able to make friends and develop all the social skills that come with that. They shouldn’t be deprived of those opportunities just because your DH has chosen to live somewhere unwelcoming.

It sounds like your husband has moved you all to a place where you are all somewhat socially excluded and somewhat unhappy and he’s not even home most of the time. This really doesn’t make sense as a strategy for the family’s wellbeing.

Not only are you not obliged to just suck this all up, you’re obliged to get yourself to a happier place. It sounds like your husband does feel guilty for having neglected the family when your children were little. As a PP said - this is a medical emergency. Give him the opportunity now to look after you and do what’s right for his whole family.

Definitely see a doctor. There's a better life for you, really there is. Are you in the UK? If not would you mind saying where ish you are to see if we have any specific suggestions for meeting people?

Also, as PP have said, given how little your husband is at home, why can’t you live somewhere better for you and your DCs? He can come to you there instead. Material luxury is much less important than emotional contentment.

What country are you in OP?

You say your children are privileged by your husband's work. It actually sounds like the opposite. They don't realise, because they are kids, but there's absolutely more to life than material goods and status.

They need to see mum happy. They need to have a wider support network. They need to not be constantly judged by their mum's nationality.

Move back to the UK. You say your husband works away a lot anyway so what's the difference? Let the kids have the benefit of a new experience. Move near to family or past friends. Rekindle friendships. Make new ones. It'll be much easier in the UK.

You deserve happiness. Your kids won't thank you for staying miserable.

One of my parents was (and still is) depressed my whole childhood. It was never spoken about or treated and I felt absolutely helpless. It made me miserable and put a big wedge between us. I resented the fact that it was a known secret that no one attempted to improve.

Ultimately it's your choice, but if you don't act for yourself, who will? You're the only person who can improve your life.

Sorry I haven’t replied before now. I genuinely appreciate each reply so much, thank you for taking the time it means such a lot.
I spoke to my husband honestly. He is really gutted that I am still feeling so bad and says he is willing to move anywhere, do anything. But I just think it’s too late. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy now wherever we go. I just feel broken inside.
I moved here to be with him 9 years ago and the first child was born the following year. I’ve been feeling down for most of that time, but I’m a very positive person generally and I have fought so hard to be happy here and integrate but the locals just do not want me with capital letters.
I live in a very remote and isolated Welsh-speaking part of Wales. I didn’t want to say so because I expect I’ll be told I’m being silly or whatever. But I don’t care. It’s been a truly horrible experience being English here. My family live 7 hours away and most of my friends 7-8 hours away meaning that visiting with 4 small kids on my own isn’t easy.

At first I went to evening classes to try to learn the language, but people would pretend not to understand me or laugh when I tried to speak it so my confidence just plummeted with it. It also means that I can’t find friends in the usual ways. Going to baby groups meant sitting alone unable to join in with conversations. Ditto every other kind of setting with other people. I gave up going out with DH and his friends because I would just sit there in silence. What else can you do if you don’t speak the language.

I actually went to the one baby group within half an hour of me ever single Monday morning for 6 years. No one ever spoke to me unless I spoke to them, then an awkward reply then back to silence. It’s embarrassing to say that it’s really the only time I sat with other people, so I just kept going for the various babies to have the chance to socialise, and because it was somewhere to go. 6 bloody years.

I think I’m a total weirdo now though. I can’t make friends. I retrained for a new job, my dream job. It meant going to uni 2 hours away for a day a week and I met other English women. It was amazing but I just talked too much, overshared, talked about myself because I had nothing else to talk about. Also because I live 2 hours away from most of them, real friendships aren’t going to happen.

It’s just too late for me. There’s no point spending loads of money moving and uprooting everyone. I’m not suicidal or anything but they’d all be better off without me in their lives. I think I should be living alone somewhere away from everyone. It’s my own fault because I should have left years ago but I didn’t because I thought I could crack it. And now everyone’s having to deal with the result. At least the kids are in bed now though and I can just cry in peace.

Ive fought to be positive and happy for so so long and so SO hard but I’ve finally cracked. I’m sorry for moaning on. I don’t know why I do it it doesn’t even help.

Again, thank you for taking the time to have replied, it really is kind and appreciated.

that is a long time to feel so unhappy - I think it might be time for a change

I think you need to revisit the idea of medication. They don’t just “numb you to the world”, in my case it just took the edge of my distress enough for me to make rational decisions about moving my life on

You CAN feel happy after 9 years of feeling crap. What was your life like before the move?

I would just move back to your home town. Dh can follow later. There’s no point waiting out your life in a shit hole.

How old are all your children? Is the plan for you to be a full time SAHM as you will then have much more free time for yourself once all children are in school. Or if you plan to work whilst they are in school this can be an opportunity to create friendships and do something for yourself? Do you see things getting better with time as your children get older? If so find comfort in knowing this won't last forever. Use the time when the children are asleep to do something small which brings you joy

Rural life can be really depressing and lonely. I grew up in the countryside and couldn't wait to leave. I definitely didn't want rural life for my DCs. Locals can be really insular and not very friendly to 'outsiders'. I think you have to move to somewhere nearer to friends or certainly somewhere with more life in it.

I'm telling you now that I've felt like you. Medication helped me get out of the doldrums so that I could make a plan. You are depressed, understandably so.

You and your dh need to sit down and discuss the possibility of you moving back to your support network and him coming home at weekends

I’ve now qualified now and start my dream job in November. 3 years of working through the night on essays possibly hasn’t helped my mental state but I’ve done it. Never thought I would so I suppose it’s an achievement.
Even that has left me totally deflated though, because I can’t get reliable childcare here. Live in nannies leave because they have the same integration issues I have, and locals don’t want the job. So how on earth can I ever work?? I was stupid to ever think it would work out. I have literally no one I can ask for a favour childcare wise, so when childcare is unreliable I’ve have to ring in sick to uni. I won’t be able to do that in the job.

I’ve worked so hard for it but I can’t see it working. It’s just all so stressful and tiring and relentless.

It’s not too late for you, OP. And actually it’s not just about you. If your children are experiencing social exclusion, that’s bad for them and they would be better off if you all moved away.

I know there are a huge number of very friendly Welsh people and Welsh communities but, FWIW, my mum, who was half Welsh but grew up outside Wales and only spoke English, spent several years in a very Welsh part of Wales as a young adult and met with a lot of hostility. She also lived on a housing estate just outside Glasgow for a few years and said everyone was very friendly.

I know there are unfriendly English communities too so it’s not really about that - the point is you and your children are socially excluded where you live. It’s already caused you great pain and it will cause your children great pain even if they’re not feeling it yet. So it’s much better for you to move somewhere where you have a better chance of fitting in socially. Your children need that, not just you.

Is your new job also very local? I’m just wondering if there might be some sort of compromise where you could all relocate to somewhere that might still be commutable for you both, and solve the nanny issue, and be a different set of people. How far would you have to move to somewhere where you could get and keep a nanny?

I know there are unfriendly English communities too so it’s not really about that - the point is you and your children are socially excluded where you live. It’s already caused you great pain and it will cause your children great pain even if they’re not feeling it yet. So it’s much better for you to move somewhere where you have a better chance of fitting in socially. Your children need that, not just you.

and very much this ^

This is mad Op,utterly mad. Your husband works away. There are many ,many places in Wales where you would fit in far better. My entirely English son went to uni in Cardiff and ,two degrees later,he is still there. His wife is from LA California. Neither of them speak a word of Welsh. They have many bilingual friends and many English and American friends. You don't need to live somewhere small and rural and insular. Your husband can travel to wherever you all are. You are allowed a life.
My father went to University in Bangor N Wales in the 60s. He was a mature student with a wife and 2 tiny children. My brother was born whilst he was in his second year. The midwife and Doctor used to speak about my mother in Welsh whilst she was sitting in front of them. She had no friends. She put up with it because it was for a definite period of time. He did his masters at a non Welsh University. I live in a small English village. I grew up 4 miles away and had friends from this village when I was at school.I am still regarded as an incomer. I have a huge house ,grown up children and a car so I can come and go as I please and don't have to give a fuck what the latest gossip is. If I was hard up and had small children it would be a very lonely place.

Why do you have to stay in north Wales? South Wales is much friendlier and there are more jobs. Seems crazy to stay there any longer when you’re miserable and the kids are excluded - they are suffering too. Your husband has said he will move anywhere so just move. Honestly the way your OP sounded I thought you were in some country on the other side of the world not bloody N Wales.

You say it might sound silly but it doesn’t - it sounds like masochism. Sitting with people who ignored you for six years solid? It’s like you’ve tried to make yourself miserable. I expect i’ll get flamed for saying it but you need MH support now and get yourself and your poor kids out of such an unwelcoming place. It’s about them too and they’ve been brought up to also suffer the same isolation you are.

Sorry but your husband is also a problem if he’s sat back and allowed this to go on for so long. It’s so easily solvable it’s almost unbelievable you’ve stayed and done this to yourself for this many years. You trapped yourself and your kids. You need to find the drive you used to get this degree and use it to safe yourself and your kids from this misery.