Dating a "spiritually awakened" man

[JollieJullie]

I went on two great dates with a man. I am 34 and he is 38. So far he seems great, he is super attractive, smart, and we get along really well. Chemistry seems on point too. I am so excited to explore this connection after many bad dates and lukewarm matches!

My only concern about him is that he is extremely into self-development and spiritualism. He mentioned that he was very lost when he was younger and that he had a spiritual awakening a few years ago, following which he became vegetarian, teetotaler, meditates and prays his “higher power” every day. He works with a therapist and other coaches for different things. He took several years off from dating to “work on himself” and only joined a dating app 3 months ago.

Based on his old Facebook account (I googled him after our first date as I always do with men on OLD!) he used to lead a very flashy/ playboy-ish lifestyle, which is so so different from the character I met in person! The account hasn’t been used in over 7 years. This discrepancy left me a little confused as it is so extreme.

I am moderately into self-development too, I do therapy and enjoy reading about the mind. I also love yoga, meditation and healthy nutrition. However, I have a lot of other interests and hobbies that have nothing to do with the spiritual world. He seems to be much more into this than me, to the point that it appears that a lot of his time and energy goes into different spiritual practices every day.

Do you think that this could be an incompatibility? Have you ever dated someone who a little obsessed with the spiritual world? And if so, was it challenging?

He's not an ex addict. He's just swapped one addiction for another.

This.

Although not all 12 step peeps are insufferable spiritual notes! 😆

bores not notes

why won’t MN give us a few moments grace to edit?

I can only speak from personal experience, but everyone I know who's "on a spiritual path" are the most self-absorbed, self-righteous, egotistical, manipulative, condescending, toxic people.

I dated a "spiritual" hippie about ten years ago. Thought he was the coolest, I was very attracted to his charisma. I learnt very quickly how deeply troubled he was, and his "spirituality" was a way of hiding from his issues. He had a real superiority complex and saw himself as above everyone because he was on this special path, thought he had all the answers to the secrets of the universe, so of course he was always right. He believed in the law of attraction (sigh) so told me that everything wrong in my life was my own doing somehow. If I got a headache, it was caused by negative vibrations I'd attracted. His behaviour and attitudes got so bad that he drove not only me away but all his closest friends.

So yeah, I'd be very careful with "spiritual" men.

Asking lots of complex questions trying to gauge if i am emotionally away enough for him

Ugh - this just smacks of 'prove your worth to me, because I'm oh so brilliant and important and I want you to worry that you don't measure up'.

*aware

I’d just go on a few dates and then make your mind up.
He could be a total bore or an insufferable idiot as lots have suggested.
Or he could be a genuine person who has changed his focus in life.
No one on this site will know, only he knows and the only way you can find out is to spend time with a person.

Regardless if he is genuine and it’s a bit much for you then that’s valid.
You’re as entitled to not go out with someone because they’re too “XYZ” and it doesn’t matter what the description is.

I personally wouldn’t date someone with a season ticket to football or cricket or something - there’s nothing wrong it per se but it’s not for me.
A season ticket doesn’t make them a football lout the same way a daily practice of yoga doesn’t make him a navel gazer.

as an addict.. I can tell you that there is no such thing as an ex addict. I will be an addict till i die. The first drink I pick up will be my downfall, whether now or 20 years from now. Part of the issue with alcoholism (the only one i can speak to with knowledge as I AM an alcoholic) is that some of us..(me included) get to a point where we think we are "cured" and as such can have JUST ONE OR TWO as you know..we kicked it right? NOPE. an addict is an addict for life. I went down the moderation route several times thinking i could handle it. I could NOT

With these people I find theres always something that pops up that they try to act casually about that makes you think 'well that's not very spiritual at all'. Like others are suggesting its often things like cocaine, or I've found them to be weird and cruel about animals, or a twat about being rich.

I feel a bit sad reading this.

My DH prays to his “higher power” every morning, and listens to guided meditations when he can.

He also goes to 12 step meetings a couple of times a week and is involved in sponsoring other people and helping at meetings etc. He had been to rehab, 2 years before I met him and definitely had an extreme change from his hedonistic lifestyle before.

He is an amazing husband and an incredibly patient stepdad. On a regular basis, I think about how lucky I am to have met him. He is one of the funniest people I have ever met, and definitely the kindness. I feel sad that there people would judge him and decide he is a certain type of person, based just on his past as an addict/12 step attendance.

He certainly isn’t a narcissist or a spiritual fuckboy, just someone who comes from a family of alcoholics and who became an addict himself, at a relatively young age.

He has a level of self awareness that I had never come across before, and that is as a result of having been through therapy and still looking at his own behaviour on a regular basis.

He doesn’t really bang on about it all anymore, but he did more in the early days - as he needed to focus on it to stay well.

@OrangDino most posters have said he's either on a 12 step programme or a bit of a narc or fuckboy, not that all spiritual people are narcs

I can only speak from personal experience, but everyone I know who's "on a spiritual path" are the most self-absorbed, self-righteous, egotistical, manipulative, condescending, toxic people.

I bet quite a few people you know quietly consider themselves to be spiritual and don't fit into that bracket - Well I hope so, as I consider myself to be one! I don't talk about it much with people who aren't really into it, and I don't have much time for "spiritual wankers" as I call them. There are people who can't seem to help but give you their enlightened perspective on what you're doing, and are probably THE most passive aggressive people I know - "Oh I could never work in the job you're doing, I'm too sensitive to handle the negative energies of all those people" (whilst they live on inherited wealth or benefits). Good for you sunshine, I'm pretty sure I'm just as delicate a flower as you but I built resilience and crack on with it because I value being a functional human being who doesn't wilt if her matcha green tea doesn't come with the right organic bamboo milk 🙄

But the point is the ones who go out of their way to tell you how SpIrItUaL and into PeRsOnAl GrOwTh they are, are the most in need of actually sitting their arse down and doing the damn work they claim they are doing. If they're waving their dick around telling people loudly how much they're DoInG ThE WoRk, they're not the ones who are actually doing the work.

And everything thing is monetised - reiki / healing hands £xxx, Yoga £yyyy, workshops £zzz - latest fad food or gimmick is vastly inflated from cost - only accessible to the wealthy to the exclusion of the poor - their ethics and values don’t extend beyond their comfortable deluded bubbles.

I've discussed this phenomena at length with a Buddhist friend of mine. The materialism as pointed out above is rampant but a key part missing in a lot of the western practise of these philosophies is a lack of moral teaching. The precepts are important. Meditation unmoored from the wellbeing of the community around us is a very different beast

Totally agree
Its so far removed from what yoga is
Yoga started as breathing excercises (pranyama) back in india
The asanas were a new thing

During my yoga teacher training I got called dramatic for not wanting to get too involved with chakras etc - i said I can read about it as its interesting but i will not be taking it forward. They looked at me like i had two heads. I decided to only teach for charities and not get paid for it as i was so disgusted with the £100 per month memberships and £100 leggings

I feel sad reading many of the responses on here. My DH is a deeply spiritual person as well as a successful research scientist and an all round lovely person. He spends a couple of hours a day in his spiritual practice (meditation and yoga); I do the same practice but only spend a third of the time on it that he does.

He is neither an addict, an ex-addict, a narc or a f*ckboy (whatever that is). Like me he is a vegetarian and doesn’t drink alcohol. He is a respected researcher and teacher in his professional field; gives to charity and supports homeless people. His students love him, and so do I.

I am not saying he’s perfect—and I am certainly not—who is?? But for many of us, spiritual practices have made us better people, less self absorbed, more mature, kinder, and more able to give of ourselves, compared to how we were before.

OP no one can predict how your relationship with this man will pan out. But if it doesn’t (and that is ok), please ensure you walk away for sensible reasons and not due to unreal fears springing from some of the silly imaginings on this thread.

Oh and for those who think spiritual practices are all about money, I learned meditation at university for 15 quid and haven’t spent any more on it in the decades since. But what I’ve got out of it is priceless. Having said that I don’t begrudge any professional teacher of spiritual practices the money they may earn from their work. They are performing a service that some clients find helpful. In what other field would we expect someone to give up so much of their time and expertise for no recompense?

Sounds like NA to me

Not talking about the same thing at all.

There are authentic practices and people and then the rest as PP have discussed where people have hijacked, monetised, and exploited traditions and excluded others.

@OrangDino I do not think anyone is judging your husband (or myself) I know that if my husband had of known what he was in for when he met me, he would have walked away. BUT he didn't and by the time I spiralled I was his wife. I hope he would agree that I also am an amazing mother and wife, but I do have an addiction. I believe that your husband would agree with me, that as an addict we are but one drink/ drug away from a spiral out of control. You never knew your husband in his active addiction stage and I bet if you had of met him then, you would not have become his wife at all...you would have ran a mile. I bet he agrees with that. My only advice to the OP was to be careful. I caused alot of carnage in my addictive stage and I KNOW that I am one drink away from it happening again. By the way. You have every right to be proud of your husband for how he has pulled himself up. It is not easy. I wish him health and happiness

But the point is the ones who go out of their way to tell you how SpIrItUaL and into PeRsOnAl GrOwTh they are, are the most in need of actually sitting their arse down and doing the damn work they claim they are doing. If they're waving their dick around telling people loudly how much they're DoInG ThE WoRk, they're not the ones who are actually doing the work.

This with bells on⬆️

I know lots, both men & women that quietly get on with it, I'm probably in that bracket myself, along with a few good male friends too & DH to a degree. It's not about a belief system per se, but all about the show that goes with it

This.

depends what his daily life is like I guess

I have an ex I'm still friends with. He has a great career and a lot of interests, but he is big into spiritual stuff and often comes back from his daily 5 mile run saying how "spiritual" it was. It's not my thing but it's harmless IYSWIM.

he reads a lot of these books and feels it has helped his career, which is going brilliantly and he really enjoys it. So seems totally harmless in his case.

The key word in all this is quiet. Those who quietly get on with this stuff do not have the wish or will to tell others what to do/how to do it/that they have the answers…when someone tells you how spiritual they are like it’s a badge of honour or something that makes them better or more enlightened….they have missed the point of spiritual practise and are probably to be avoided.

I wouldn't be able to stop sniggering.