Dating a "spiritually awakened" man

[JollieJullie]

I went on two great dates with a man. I am 34 and he is 38. So far he seems great, he is super attractive, smart, and we get along really well. Chemistry seems on point too. I am so excited to explore this connection after many bad dates and lukewarm matches!

My only concern about him is that he is extremely into self-development and spiritualism. He mentioned that he was very lost when he was younger and that he had a spiritual awakening a few years ago, following which he became vegetarian, teetotaler, meditates and prays his “higher power” every day. He works with a therapist and other coaches for different things. He took several years off from dating to “work on himself” and only joined a dating app 3 months ago.

Based on his old Facebook account (I googled him after our first date as I always do with men on OLD!) he used to lead a very flashy/ playboy-ish lifestyle, which is so so different from the character I met in person! The account hasn’t been used in over 7 years. This discrepancy left me a little confused as it is so extreme.

I am moderately into self-development too, I do therapy and enjoy reading about the mind. I also love yoga, meditation and healthy nutrition. However, I have a lot of other interests and hobbies that have nothing to do with the spiritual world. He seems to be much more into this than me, to the point that it appears that a lot of his time and energy goes into different spiritual practices every day.

Do you think that this could be an incompatibility? Have you ever dated someone who a little obsessed with the spiritual world? And if so, was it challenging?

Tbh it’s hard to tell.

I know people who will tell you they ‘woke up spiritually’. All of them spent time on their practice. Maybe one hour in the am or in the evening etc… so far, Imo, not different than someone who goes to the gym or a run everyday.

After that, I found that you have two groups.
Those who genuinely have found some solace in their practice, a way to live a better life. They rarely tell you they are awaken (that’s a really big thing) or that they are amazing people who are ding THE right thing and everyone else is wrong iyswim. They might have changed the way they live A LOT, got different set of values etc… If those values match yours, I can’t see that being an issue.

And then they are those who SAY they are spiritually awaken, tell you all about their journey, how great they are. They are putting their practice above anything else and everyone else but not in a quite understated way but in a ‘look at me and how great I am’ way. They’ll want you to do the same practice or facilitate theirs at all cost.

Basically it’s a bit like someone who has got successful and just quietly and humbly gets on with their life. And people who boasts they are amazing but have nothing to show about it.

I think you’ll have to see in which category that guy falls in.

I imagine you haven't got that far yet, but if he refers to your foof as a 'yoni', run for the hills

On a serious note, it sounds like he could be very self-obsessed if he's gone on about his spiritual journey so much already. Not much self-development can actually occur while you gaze at your own navel imo.

I'd see how it goes but don't get attached.

If he is called Brian and is from Hull run away quickly especially at any mention of ‘Yoni massage.’ Just run like the wind into the hills and when you get then run away again.

I dated a few from Bumble

1. Complete perve - antivaxxer. He told me on the third date he thought he had been reincarnated and in a past life was one of jesus disciples, his excema was due to being burned in a past life. All of his issues were someone elses fault. I ended up ghosting him as he was so repulsive in the end - his spiritualness seemed to hault when he was keen to see what I looked like under the jumper I was wearing - declared for me to 'take it off' for 'him'. The entitlement and delusion of him was just awful. Told me his qualification was the same as going to medical school (osteopath). Asked me to buy him a house. Obviously all of this came out after three dates and he was not stupid enough to tell me this in the first two.

2. apparently 'getting a divorced' guy. Again led with his crystals and spiritual awakening chat. He was a classic middle class flashy wanker but has an awakening, transpired he was getting a divorce due to cocaine use and being abusive towards his ex.

3. another spiritually awakened guy who used therapists and was obsessed with 'his why'. He was so smug and self obsessed it makes me angry. He was 'building his empire' (as a photographer). On the third or fourth date he told me to come through to have a photoshoot with him - it was great as it was his friends brand. The next day he messaged me 'he didnt want to waste my time' ie dump me. Clearly looked back at the photos and didnt fancy me but didnt want to say. This was a love bomber and I found out through friends he has form for doing this - getting girls to like him over a period of a few weeks and dumping them by text message. He had big issues with his father and thought it was appropriate to tell me exceptionally distrubing things.

So there you go. Thats the spiritual guys I met. All seemed great for a month and then you find out their spiritualism was covering up major issues. You have maybe found the exception but I avoid them like the plague.

I think the important point OP is that it feels a bit much / too intense for you. Doesn't matter if he would suit someone else would he suit you long term?
Also if he can change that much as a person what's to say he won't change again?
He does sound very self obsessed, personally it'd be a no from me but I'm not dating him.

I've found that the people who have really got to grips with their issues via the spiritual route wear their spirituality very, very lightly, if at all. Otherwise, it can become a really effective way of avoiding certain issues - particularly if they're of the "love and light" brigade (though I suspect he is not).

This

I've know a few like this in my time & I wouldn't have dated them if you paid me a million. In my experience it's an excuse to be a self absorbed naval gazing prick & gives me the ick

Ahhhhh The Spiritual Fuckboy... it's just a disguise he's wearing to woke himself into womens' knickers. If he's any good in the sack then go for it until something better comes along, but whatever you do do not fall for/invest any of yourself any man who seems to have developed a new and recent personality 180 degree turn around, especially one including mala beads and nag champa. It's a massive front and he sounds manipulative as f@ck. Beware.

I am vegetarian and listen to guided meditation almost every day and exercise regularly and I only drink alcohol a couple of times a year if that at birthdays and things like that. I started doing this after some major health issues and being diagnosed with a long term health condition. It helps me manage my health condition better.

But I would say I never feel the need to talk about it at length to people or to embrace the whole ''spiritual awakening'' thing. For me it is just about having as healthy a lifestyle as I can. It is more practical than esoteric...

I think it would put me off to have someone who is always evangelical about this. But at the same time I would no longer date someone who drinks too often, does drugs (even just occasionally) and does not regularly exercise. Healthy/clean living is really important to me.

It could be though that he had some kind of major crisis/trauma in his life (addiction, illness) and that he is in the stage where he is really still focused on trying to get over it. You see it often with former addicts who have gone through programmes. Their main focus is on staying clean and they need the therapy/big lifestyle changes and so on to achieve that. They will often come across as self-absorbed and obsessive but really it is just trying to continue on the right path. But that also often means they are not ready for relationships at that stage.

If you are too different then he is just not the right guy for you.

I'd stick with it as I'm not a party person and (I hope) not shallow and self obsessed. I would love someone not interested in their bloody mates and hobbies.

Some of you would really enjoy the Conspirituality podcast!

Yup - beware Lundy Bancroft's "Mr Sensitive" OP.
Read about him (& his personification in 'Brad') here - callmeblake.tumblr.com/post/79553548223/abusive-types-mr-sensitive

I think you might have met my old male friends @GreenManalishi & it was very much a ploy to get laid with them. One even has a line in a song written about him having tried it on with the singer😂

Having someone assess whether I was emotionally aware enough for him would have me running for the hills.

You're dating Russell Brand aren't you!? 😂

I was put off him from your description (bearing in mind that's all we can know about him).

Nothing wrong with being in touch with your spiritual side, of course. But some people get a zeal for it and become very self-obsessed and judgemental of other ways of living. You get a sense they feel they are superior and only they 'get' it.

It makes them very boring (only one subject they are interested in - their own spirituality / their own views on spirituality) and (ironically) they tend not to look outward very often, so are less likely to be open minded and embarcing of other ways of life.

So, he may not be a bad person. It could become a good relationship. But beware of him taking on a 'superior' or 'guiding' role in the relationship. Beware of him trying to force you to take on his way of life, and disapproving of the more 'earthly' things you want to do. If you get a sense he's trying to change you or control you then run. And also be aware that sometimes (not always) when someone turns away from something destructive (like addiction) by doing some extreme like this, they can turn back just as quickly. Not saying that's what he's done, but it might be enlightening to know exactly what led to his change.

I unknowingly dated one, I had recently come out of a traumatic divorce, and he stood out as being very calm and laid back, which is what I had been previously. I had a check list for men, one thing I hated was smoking, and he smoked, he also drank more than was healthy, but his persona intrigued me, so I carried on, it came out that he was a member of a philosophy school, which taught all sorts of philosophy, especially Eastern philosophy, meditation etc. used in a practical way to improve your life.
I realised after a few months that if I wanted this relationship to carry on, I needed to join this school. I did join and stayed with it for 20 years, the school had its imperfections as all organisations do, but the teachings have made a huge difference to my life, through all sorts of trauma. Death of an adult son, illness, stress and worry have all been made more bearable.
I married him, and we only parted when he died 7 years ago, (probably not helped by the fags and alcohol) but I wouldn't have missed it for the world, what a journey!

He sounds like an epic Feathery Stroker and I have the ick even hearing about him.

@JollieJullie you say he is 9 years sober and are wondering if it is now basically "safe" to date him . Well, I can tell you that nine years is an amazing accomplishment. I cannot speak for the man himself, but I can tell you , that like most alcoholics, I have an addictive personality. I have to be incredibly aware in all I do. If I diet, I diet to extreme, If I shop too much, well I do that to the extreme also lol. I love my husband enough that if I ever pick up a drink again, I will be leaving him as I refuse to ever put him thru that hell again. That alone is what is keeping me sober. I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to him, and god forbid that he were to pass on before me, I will stay sober out of respect and love for him. If he is nine years sober , he is probably a good bet from that point of view , as long as he is lovely in all the other ways. There will be things that you give up though , but they may not be important to you. My husband does not drink in front of me. He is not a big drinker, maybe a couple of beers a month kinda guy, unless we are on vacation. We will be at an all inclusive in the carribean in two weeks, and will go to the pool bar with one of our friends a couple of times , but I will be back at our room in our swim up pool having a relaxing time with a book hahaha. Can you live without the romantic glass of wine by a fire together? Without pub visits with him? because these could be triggers for him, I know they are for me. If he is great in all other ways, I would take the chance. It cannot hurt to get to know him better.

@ArcticSkewer you can find a study on the internet about literally anything to confirm your bias . I don't know this guy so can't comment on his mental health - surely a bit of a leap from saying someone is into self development to say they are a narcissist (and is that in diagnosed psychological disorder or just "instinctively knowing" ?)

On the one hand it sounds like the spiritual thing will just become annoying in time.

On the other hand 9 years sober is a long time and actively not dating if that's true shows a degree of self awareness.

The asking emotionally searching questions is more of a red flag imo. Though that may be due to dating recently separated people who just whine about their exes. I've been there!

Could he spiritually awaken your yoni though?😲

He sounds awful and self absorbed. Is his name Brian?😂

If there is authenticity you will know.

If this is a created persona and it's projected onto you, then run for the hills.

Sounds like an ex addict - but I question the ex as he seems to required a large entourage around him to keep him in the straight and narrow.

What’s his relationship history?