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Original poster

Dating a "spiritually awakened" man

137 replies

JollieJullie · 01/08/2022 22:30

I went on two great dates with a man. I am 34 and he is 38. So far he seems great, he is super attractive, smart, and we get along really well. Chemistry seems on point too. I am so excited to explore this connection after many bad dates and lukewarm matches!

My only concern about him is that he is extremely into self-development and spiritualism. He mentioned that he was very lost when he was younger and that he had a spiritual awakening a few years ago, following which he became vegetarian, teetotaler, meditates and prays his “higher power” every day. He works with a therapist and other coaches for different things. He took several years off from dating to “work on himself” and only joined a dating app 3 months ago.

Based on his old Facebook account (I googled him after our first date as I always do with men on OLD!) he used to lead a very flashy/ playboy-ish lifestyle, which is so so different from the character I met in person! The account hasn’t been used in over 7 years. This discrepancy left me a little confused as it is so extreme.

I am moderately into self-development too, I do therapy and enjoy reading about the mind. I also love yoga, meditation and healthy nutrition. However, I have a lot of other interests and hobbies that have nothing to do with the spiritual world. He seems to be much more into this than me, to the point that it appears that a lot of his time and energy goes into different spiritual practices every day.

Do you think that this could be an incompatibility? Have you ever dated someone who a little obsessed with the spiritual world? And if so, was it challenging?

OP posts:
Mushroomlady · 02/08/2022 07:57

This sounds like someone I know. Do you live in Berkshire??

BloodAndFire · 02/08/2022 07:58

AceofPentacles · 02/08/2022 06:49

I am doing a LOL at meditation making someone self absorbed! You obviously have never practiced or know the purpose of meditation. I think it's pretty grim that from the brief description provided by the OP of someone who sounds quite normal, other than following a different belief system, has been labelled an abuser, an alcoholic and a dictator! Ffs what a bunch of judgmental arses you are.
Namaste

Ffs what a bunch of judgmental arses you are.

This is so unintentionally funny.

Scout2016 · 02/08/2022 08:02

I'm really curious, what are all the coaches he has in addition to the therapist?
It sounds like he's just really into himself, and / or in recovery. What triggered his "awakening?"
Wanting to live a better life is great but it seems to all centre around him, rather than doing something like volunteering at a food bank, litter picking or protesting climate change. After years of "working on himself" I might expect something more for others, or the world around. Or just a bit less full on "me me me" than it sounds to be. It's not the meditation and praying side it's all the time and effort still talking and thinking about himself, years later. Unless you're going to say he spends his weekends in hospices reading to the elderly or something, in which case I take it back!

I'm probably biased though a I have known people who do a lot of greater good stuff and it made me feel a bit inadequate in comparison and I wasn't motivated enough to "step up."

That Nighty Night reference from a PP made me smile.

supercali77 · 02/08/2022 08:05

Its not about being judgemental. Its about experience. If he were a born again Christian with the same zeal would most folk be happy to be involved with him? Its the zeal thats the issue. It makes people inflexible, all knowing and self absorbed.

girlmom21 · 02/08/2022 08:17

I think you need to understand what changed.

Rewis · 02/08/2022 08:19

If his spirituality is his whole personality then i dont think it would have long term potential. If it was something private for him and his "journey" then it might even be a positive.

GoldPig · 02/08/2022 08:27

Others have said similar: he sounds a bit Russell Brand for my taste (who I used to quite like until he plumbed the depths of navel gazing wankiness and especially pissed me off when he declared himself less fit for nappy changing than his naturally good at it partner 🙄)

Original poster
JollieJullie · 02/08/2022 08:27

momager1 · 02/08/2022 04:35

higher power.. to me this sounds like he is in AA. If not.. I apologize for my assumption..but.. you say he is teetotal? why... healthy choice or addiction.?? I am an alcoholic. I am sober but will always be an alcoholic. I am very lucky that my husband has loved me enough to weather the storm with me..and believe me when i say that the storm was fierce. If i could say one thing to help you. DO NOT get involved with an alcoholic until they are sober at LEAST a year and maybe then...not at all. I am sober. but i fight everyday not to pick up a glass of wine. If my husband left me or i was widowed god forbid... I would never put anyone else through what i put my amazing husband through. just be careful

Thank you for your comment. He did mention that in his 20s he abused alcohol and drugs and that is why he went teetotal in 2013. That would mean 9 years sober. Do you reckon it is problematic anyway?

OP posts:
Original poster
JollieJullie · 02/08/2022 08:29

ArcticSkewer · 02/08/2022 07:11

As for the op, you are only 2 dates in, why not just enjoy. I'd be hoping for the long tantric sex sessions personally, unlike other poster!

He could be a fairly harmless addictive personality type. Celeb versions would be Davina McCall and Russell Brand (spelling?)

Very interesting what other posters ask - how much does he know about you? Or was it all about him?

In all fairness he did ask a lot about me too, and asked a lot of questions that were complex to address on my emotions and journey. I think he is trying to gauge if I am emotionally aware enough for him Blush

OP posts:
Rinatinabina · 02/08/2022 08:31

If somebody lived their life in a thoughtful way and was self aware yes. If they actually called themselves spiritual It would be a no. Theres a difference between working on yourself as a person and the narcissism that can accompany that level of introspection. The superiority eventually leaks through. Also he might try to improve you with “helpful” suggestions, that would piss anyone off.

Rinatinabina · 02/08/2022 08:33

Also been therapied and took up meditation (not enough time these days) so there’s anything wrong with either. It’s when people get really wanky about it it’s off putting.

RSitf · 02/08/2022 08:37

Sounds like my ex who became an absolute narcissistic weirdo when I didn’t comply with his ways.

Sunshineandflipflops · 02/08/2022 08:37

Lbnc2021 · 01/08/2022 22:56

Sounds like he’s in a 12 step programme

This was my thought. The 'Higher Power' is a term that they use in AA (and probably other 12 step programmes) as my dp is a recovering alcoholic.

I can deal with the AA talk as it is a huge help to my dp but all the rest of it would bore me to death I think. I like to be healthy (mind an body) but I also like to have fun!

AfterSchoolWorry · 02/08/2022 08:39

Oh hell no ✋

He wants to talk about 'emotions' and your 'journey'

What a sap.

PeggyGa · 02/08/2022 08:42

Definite ex addict but surely ther are worse things to do or be

CallOnMe · 02/08/2022 08:44

There’s quite a few sexist remarks on here.

I personally wouldn’t be with someone overly spiritual or religious because I am not and my lifestyle wouldn’t be compatible.

But it sounds like you two do have things in common and so I would just see how things go.

He could be a dick.
But then the next man you meet might not be spiritual and also be a dick.

Ginnypotter44 · 02/08/2022 08:45

When I saw this thread I immediately had an image of that scene around the campfire from the second Inbetweeners movie. We're all just soooo spirituaaaal.

It's not a bad thing, there are far worse things to be than self aware and into meditating. But if it's all he talks about it could get a bit annoying. Ditto if it affects how he is in a relationship. But if you like him it's worth a punt, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.

Original poster
JollieJullie · 02/08/2022 08:51

Based on his defunct FB account, I suspect he comes from a very wealthy family. I guess that might have played a part in his flashy 20s. Lots of pics of incredible places and first class flights.

However he did not mention his wealth at all during the dates (thank God!) and he now has a stable job as a manager at a big company.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 02/08/2022 08:53

I would think 'narcissist' and this is his latest fad. He sounds...like he can't sit still. Like there always has to be something else to do or someone else to see. That's a narcissist right there. Note also that he isn't just quietly on a quest to find inner peace, he's roped in therapists and coaches (plural) xD.

As for chemistry... narcs often bring about this intensity. Many often love bomb, which can make you feel attached quicker. And some do this thing that we could call the 'narcissist stare' where you think they are looking at you as if they've never seen anything more enthralling. But actually, its more like they are thinking- 'how do I aquire the essence of this persons very soul, for myself'. They don't want you, they want to consume you. They are predators.

Guessing you'll soon start to feel as if he is such a busy man that you should feel grateful to have any of his time. And perhaps he will prioritise you...at first. But after the initual fun part of the relationship is over it'll be devaluatuon time. So- 'not today Jane, I'm off to a sweatlodge in Switzerland'. You'll be told that he told you 'spirituality' was a big part of his life and criticised with 'not supporting' him any time he apparently is doing something related to it. When you just want him to stop for one moment and tell you he still cares. And that need, holds you to him. And he knows it. And it's this whole toxic mess. But it can't be him, can it? HE can't be the issue if he is this spiritually enlightened person. You can't be selfish and be mad at him for trying to better himself. Maybe you should just be more patient. Right? :/

Yeah...run. Run for your life.

TurmericFan · 02/08/2022 08:53

Your thread title reminds me it's the 10-year anniversary of "Shit New Age Guys Say". Did you ever hear any of these?:

briancormorant · 02/08/2022 08:56

You are realising that he is a bit self absorbed but in a subject you understand. Which could be good, you might give him more space/understanding to develop.
You will have to balance that against the possibility or risk of him becoming totally obsessed by it to the exclusion of everything else.
There are enough obsessed blokes being humoured and indulged by DPs on Mumsnet already. It might be cycling, gym, motorcycles. However the result is the same for the woman left feeling lonely with the mundane. What might he be like when you are 50?
But there is good advice on Page1, relax and enjoy for the summer.

Apologies if this is too mansplaining, I used to spend a lot of time studying personal motivation and psychology. Maybe I am afflicted too.

lucielou82 · 02/08/2022 08:57

I dated a man like this, he had been through a lot and changed his life around and kept telling me he was in such a great space! But he had lots of quirks... one day he'd be all over me like a rash, the next day he'd barely acknowledge my existence! When I brought this up with him in a rational and calm way, he went batshit crazy and told me not to blame him for my insecurities! We ended things pretty soon afterwards... he then went on to do the same to about three other women! Each person is different, so I don't want to tarnish everyone who has gone down the same path with the same brush! My only advice is, if you're writing about it on here then jt probably doesn't feel right to you and I'd walk away! If it did feel right, you probably wouldn't feel the need to get others opinions if that makes sense!

Ragwort · 02/08/2022 08:57

It's all the talking and navel gazing about it and mentioning his 'journey' that I would just find irritating and self indulgent... sounds like a teenager. I am 'spiritual' in a very dull and conventional Christian church going way but I don't talk about it endlessly and let it define my relationships with other people, in fact ai rarely mention I unless explaining why I couldn't meet up for a a Sunday morning coffee for example.

FloweryLanguage · 02/08/2022 09:18

If you're posting on here about it, you already think he's an arse.

Meowmeowmeowmeowmeow · 02/08/2022 09:20

A surprising amount of spiritual men in their late 30s drop their spiritualness when a bag of cocaine or other recreational drugs are around

Most are narcissists / abusers

Spiritual fuck boys are a thing - google it