I'm 38, recently single and freaking out about my fertility and missing out on children. Has anyone been in this situation and can anyone please advise?

[Starlight38]

Hi bit of background about me: I'm 38, I broke up with my 44 yr old bf of a year 2 weeks ago because he was saying he wasn't sure about having children for ages. 2 months ago I did a fertility MOT and it turns out I have reduced ovarian reserve (AMH 1.6 pmol and AFC 7). Finally I just asked him to make a decision and said I wanted to TTC now he was like absolutely not so we broke up. It's really depressing as only a few weeks ago he was saying he was 75% there re marriage and children, and when I called him last week to see if there was even a glimmer of hope after we'd broken up he sounded pretty unbothered and said he'd made peace with the idea of never having children, that having children with me wasn't the issue, it was children full stop. Said he loves me etc etc, but that he can't keep on with his indecision and he should be more excited about having children than he is. I said to him that I'm going to end up having to go down a sperm donor route as I might miss the boat and really wanted it to be him, not a donor. He was like 'do what you have to do', then called me back saying he didn't mean to sound harsh. I think if he truly loved me he wouldn't be ok with me having a sperm donor. He said that if he changes his mind re children he'll get in touch but to assume he won't. I've just cut off all contact now.

I've been really panicking about what to do next. If I didn't have my dog I don't know how I'd have coped to be completely honest. Lots of people on mumsnet said get a sperm donor and do it alone. I've got as far as googling a bank and paying to see adult photos and I found one that looked ok but I just find the whole thing freaky and I'm not sure I can do it. I feel really devastated by the idea of having to go down this route and it's freaking me out. I'm also really really worried about having a child because I want one and then the child growing into an adult with lots of identity issues and depression etc because they have never met their dad. It's different when born from a one night stand, at least you know your mother met the guy and they had a night of passion etc. the idea of being ordered off the net and haven't even spoken to them is hard to get my head around.

Pretty much everyone on this has said don't bother freezing your eggs, they will be crap at 38. I went to the Lister and ARGC who both recommended doing it and I've also been taking all the supplements from 'it starts with the egg' - that feels like the only bit of 'control' I have over anything at the moment tbh.

So now I'm in this situation whereby I don't know what to do.

1. I know that definitely freezing eggs I need to do, even if it doesn't work I want to try that .
2. do I also freeze embryos with a donor so that if I don't meet anyone they are there as a back up plan?
3. Is there any hope of me meeting someone and having children the old fashioned way? I have hinge and bumble and I'm feeling so depressed tbh. bf I just broke up with said he was 'open to children' on his profile, then said he wanted them and then backed out. Is there a better way of meeting someone? surely there must be some men who do want families?

tbh at 38 I feel like on these apps the guys who want a family have filtered me out as think I'm too old, and so I'm left with the older guys who will just mess me around and string me along, just like my ex bf did.

sorry that's a really long post but I'm so stressed and would appreciate any views or help from anyone out there.

Thanks so much

@D0lphine thank you. I figured that on balance that was the safest and most sensible thing to do in the first instance. I’ll know more about what my options are based on how that goes tbh. Everyone has said egg freezing is a waste of money and certainly if frozen embryos don’t work it would have been

Wonderful news @Starlight38 I'm so glad you've come to a decision which is right for you. Be kind to yourself, breakups are hard! And keep us updated on embryo freezing, really hope it works out for you, whatever happens! Xox

@newbienel thanks so much for kind words 🙏 I will indeed keep the thread updated !

Hi OP, lots of empathy for you about both the break up and the difficult decisions it's left you making. I'm 37, have been with my DP 2 years but we hit a rough patch earlier, had a break, so I was left worrying about all the same things you are. We have since reconcilled but it was a good way for me to figure out what really mattered.

The conclusions I reached at the time were:

1. Egg freezing didn't make much sense to me at my age. It was very expensive to do, then add costs of storage, sperm donor, IVF itself etc. For not much more of a fertility benefit than using my eggs naturally in a few years. The cost benefits didn't add up for me. And the costs I saved on freezing could be spent on additional rounds of IVF if needed.
2. My close friend used a sperm donor and has a lovely little boy. She was 38 and used a donor clinic in Denmark as she said it was much more humane than the UK. Seeing how it worked out for her and how happy her son is, I certainly see it as an option if my relationship doesn't work out for some reason.
3. I am very open to adoption and so would consider dating with no pressure till I was 39-40 and if I didn't meet anyone, or sperm donor IVF didn't work - I would go down that route. I can accept that not everyone is fortunate enough to have their own children, so adoption is a great way to fulfil the maternal instinct without destroying your body and mental health. The thought of round after round of IVF fills me with dread tbh.
4. My DP has always been aware of my desire to have a child so something we had agreed at the start was - if our relationship didn't work out but we still liked each other and got on, we'd do a co-parenting arrangement with the child living with me. For me that would be preferable to using a sperm donor because if I'm going to be a single mum anyway, any help/involvement I can get from the father is a bonus. So it's an option. Not sure if your ex would be open to something like this, or he's completely against children even ones he isn't living with day to day.

Oh just seen that you've made the decision to use a sperm donor and freeze embryos. Seems very sensible and I hope it all works out!

"so adoption is a great way to fulfil the maternal instinct without destroying your body and mental health"

You clearly have NO idea how a difficult journey adoption actually is in the UK. Hop on the adoption board of MN to get an idea, it can take months or year to be matched with a child (that the LA or agency deem suitable not what you think you ought to have) or you may never get matched with a child.

All mechanisms of getting a child are difficult emotionally if it's not a simple conception. And some may argue that even a simple conception could have a host of difficult ante natal physical conditions like hypermesis or miscarriage. What adoption doesn't have vs ivf is the impact of hormones that can cause significant issues, physical pain of the injections and tens of thousands of pounds to put your body through it time and time again without any guarantee. And that's not even including the risk of miscarriage if it fails.

So I stand by my point that adoption is a much less physically traumatising route than repeated rounds of ivf. Both can lead to stress and heartache, only one puts your body at risk too.

Your post didn't acknowledge the difficult adoption is, but rather some booby prize for those for whom IVF fails

I haven't said that- not sure why you've read that into it. It's an option like the others. Just like ivf is an option if natural conception fails, adoption is an option if ivf fails. Or someone else may choose adoption over ivf. Or someone else may prefer surrogacy over both of those. My post is what I would prefer to do.

I have no practical information to offer, but I wish you the best of luck with having a baby, whatever route you take. I was in your position many years ago and (in short) faffed around until it was too late. So my only advice would be to focus solely on your goal, prioritise that above all else. It looks as if you’re doing that, so I’ll just say keep it up! And good luck.

@Starlight38 How are you doing Op?

In my case I hadn't had a relationship in a long time. I was worrying about time ticking on having babies and I didn't want to miss out and regret it. So I thought I will go down the Sperm donor route and if I meet someone they will just have to be ok with me being a single mum.

I felt totally weirded out about about the whole using a donor thing at first. But It passed. Originally I was going to go down the clinic route. First I thought about getting cryos sperm tanks shipped to me (but the chances are small with that) then I thought about using donor sperm at a clinic. But the cost of it was all so expensive and I would have quickly ran out of money and had to save for the next one missing out on months I could be trying.

So I decided after a while to go down the route of meeting a sperm donor online (Facebook Sperm Donor Groups). Felt really nervous about that at first. My first donor met me once and let me down the second time an hour before I got there (I'd travelled from Hull-London, and I just cried on train home :( ). He had also been asking me about if I change from an AI donation to NI donation. I should have dropped him after he kept asking that after the first time but I didn't. After he let me down that second time I didn't want that to happen again.

I spoke to a few other donors, we talked about meeting then they would ghost me (one I could understand though as he got back with his ex, who had just had their baby).

Then finally I met a reliable nice donor, who didn't use a fake account, he even put up with me asking at short notice to travel to me when I wasn't sure If it was the right time. He charged me 50p per mile there and back and he just met me at a hotel I booked for myself. We'd chat before hand then he'd do his thing in a specimen pot in the bathroom and go, lol. I found out I was finally pregnant at 37, I'm now 38, not long till my baby boy is born now (I know that he got another women pregnant first time and she was 40 and he has some other donor children. Then two of his own). It was a shock when I found out I thought it was never going to happen but it did :). My donor is happy to meet/talk to the child when they are over 18 and I will still be in touch with him as we agreed to me giving him 1 or 2 updates a year.

@zonky sorry not been looking at this for a while. I’m good thanks! Did egg freezing . Have done one round and 6 eggs frozen, have 2 more rounds to go. Decided sperm donor not for me. Hope to have a child organically but if not at least I’ll have the frozen eggs

@Becky12123

I had a few friends going through IVF route. And I am sure you know all the stats.
You don’t have that many eggs and frozen embryos do have a higher success rate.
I’d seriously consider making embryos from one of your next harvesting cycle.

Meeting someone on a short timetable and having a child ‘organically’ is a great aspiration, but reality of dating at 38 with a view of having kids in the next 2-3 years is hard. I saw friends go through that and it was heartbreaking.
All ended up going it alone and third donor kids are growing up nicely now.

@MMmomDD I’m already in a relationship with someone who is on same page re children and he wants TTC soon. He’s aware of time scale etc. I’m not rushing into sperm donor route

Good lock then!!! Hope it works out!
In your place - given your egg situation - I’d go straight to IVF with him.

But do have a firm timeline in your mind,. Your previous bf also was almost onboard, until he wasn’t.

Just another shout out for adoption. As a previous poster said it is another option. Usually a very difficult one and not a first choice for many. However, there are benefits that are sometimes overlooked. One being that although the process can be long you do get a child at the end of it. Removes the heartache of ivf and miscarriage. Also, you are giving a home to a child which already exists which for me personally felt better than creating one with an unknown donor. Of course it's a very personal choice but l do feel adoption gets a raw deal. There are some beautiful success stories and there is something special about giving a child a loving home that they would otherwise never have had.
For me the thought of passing on a horrible genetic condition that runs in my family combined with the unknown of a donor made it the best route.

@MMmomDD thanks! The fertility cons said there is no reason for me to need IVF. Low AMH is a vague indicator of time left but doesn’t tell you anything about whether or not you’re going to have issues getting pregnant naturally. I’ve never tried so he advised trying normally first

@Becky12123

You consultant is being very optimistic.
And this is assuming you start now, at 38. And your guy isn’t yet ready to start TTC.

My doctor was more pragmatic. At 35 - she said - try for max 6mo. At 38 she said - max 3mo - before going for IVF.
If you want a child - it doesn’t matter how it is created. May as well maximise your chances. There are no medals for ‘natural’ conception.
(Both times worked like clockwork).

Then at 40 I wanted to try again, but only if if worked on it’s own. Had plenty of eggs left, and all normal fertile markets. Tried for several months, tracked ovulation, etc.
Did not work.

Unfortunately, fertility does decline quite rapidly at your age. It’s great to think positive and keep up hope. All I am saying - you need a pragmatic plan as well.
And one that doesn’t only rely on the guy you are with right now. He may or may not be the solution.
At some point you may have to make a decision of how much longer you can wait for him.

Got married at 31 to a lovely guy.
turned out I was infertile and it took over three years and IVF.
then he left me when my kids were 11 and cut all contact. Had some financial support, but have been solo. You never know what the oath is, but if you want children for sure plan but don’t be afraid.

A family member of mine met someone at 39 and is now pregnant at 42. She had had problems and been told she was infertile in the past. So it is possible, OP.

But I really think at the moment, as counter-intuitive as it sounds, you need to take a step back and have some counselling.

I know it feels like time is running out, but you can't do everything right now. You just can't. You're getting over a break up and first of all you need time to grieve that and get your head straight, then you can recoup and think about sperm donation etc.

From personal experience, the donor journey is not too bad and doesn't take too long unlike IVF etc. You can afford a bit of time to yourself first and that's important. I think you are trying to think about/ plan too much all at once and are getting overwhelmed. One step at a time and see a counsellor is my advice.