I'm 38, recently single and freaking out about my fertility and missing out on children. Has anyone been in this situation and can anyone please advise?

[Starlight38]

Hi bit of background about me: I'm 38, I broke up with my 44 yr old bf of a year 2 weeks ago because he was saying he wasn't sure about having children for ages. 2 months ago I did a fertility MOT and it turns out I have reduced ovarian reserve (AMH 1.6 pmol and AFC 7). Finally I just asked him to make a decision and said I wanted to TTC now he was like absolutely not so we broke up. It's really depressing as only a few weeks ago he was saying he was 75% there re marriage and children, and when I called him last week to see if there was even a glimmer of hope after we'd broken up he sounded pretty unbothered and said he'd made peace with the idea of never having children, that having children with me wasn't the issue, it was children full stop. Said he loves me etc etc, but that he can't keep on with his indecision and he should be more excited about having children than he is. I said to him that I'm going to end up having to go down a sperm donor route as I might miss the boat and really wanted it to be him, not a donor. He was like 'do what you have to do', then called me back saying he didn't mean to sound harsh. I think if he truly loved me he wouldn't be ok with me having a sperm donor. He said that if he changes his mind re children he'll get in touch but to assume he won't. I've just cut off all contact now.

I've been really panicking about what to do next. If I didn't have my dog I don't know how I'd have coped to be completely honest. Lots of people on mumsnet said get a sperm donor and do it alone. I've got as far as googling a bank and paying to see adult photos and I found one that looked ok but I just find the whole thing freaky and I'm not sure I can do it. I feel really devastated by the idea of having to go down this route and it's freaking me out. I'm also really really worried about having a child because I want one and then the child growing into an adult with lots of identity issues and depression etc because they have never met their dad. It's different when born from a one night stand, at least you know your mother met the guy and they had a night of passion etc. the idea of being ordered off the net and haven't even spoken to them is hard to get my head around.

Pretty much everyone on this has said don't bother freezing your eggs, they will be crap at 38. I went to the Lister and ARGC who both recommended doing it and I've also been taking all the supplements from 'it starts with the egg' - that feels like the only bit of 'control' I have over anything at the moment tbh.

So now I'm in this situation whereby I don't know what to do.

1. I know that definitely freezing eggs I need to do, even if it doesn't work I want to try that .
2. do I also freeze embryos with a donor so that if I don't meet anyone they are there as a back up plan?
3. Is there any hope of me meeting someone and having children the old fashioned way? I have hinge and bumble and I'm feeling so depressed tbh. bf I just broke up with said he was 'open to children' on his profile, then said he wanted them and then backed out. Is there a better way of meeting someone? surely there must be some men who do want families?

tbh at 38 I feel like on these apps the guys who want a family have filtered me out as think I'm too old, and so I'm left with the older guys who will just mess me around and string me along, just like my ex bf did.

sorry that's a really long post but I'm so stressed and would appreciate any views or help from anyone out there.

Thanks so much

@Rollerskates22
@Starlight38

Going out there and 'dating' really isn't that easy, is it? The emotional stress of having to do it all over again, the exhaustion of the emotional work you have to do....all for no guarantee.

So this is what's ahead of you: finding someone to match with, who will actual bother talking then bother meeting up, that you're actually attracted to, that they are to you, then you have to go through the rigmarole of dating, to get to know each other, like what you find out, and them about you, then sometime in the "future" you need to have that TTC conversation, do they also want to TTC at the same as you? Then you have the actual fertility itself (yours and his) ...oh and the moving in conversation....the getting married conversation? All in the space of...18 months/24 months?

Personally, if I wanted a child, I'd cut my losses and attempt on my own.

@Rollerskates22 when I broke up with this ex it was just over this child thing too. It was ‘all I love you I don’t think breaking up is the right decision, there’s something special here ‘ and finally 2 weeks later I snapped and asked him again and it was still ‘not sure’. There was no way of continuing the relationship with his blatant cold feet re children, it really was the elephant in the room. I really miss him and I didn’t want to break up with him and have been hoping he’d come back but I think that’s not happening. He just doesn’t want children , end of. When this became very obvious I said there would be no more messaging no more calls, that’s it. It’s the only way to move on. I posted his stuff and that’s the end of it. If you really do want to move on you need to cut contact, otherwise he will hold you back and there’s no more time to waste surely

read it starts with the egg. Taking all the supplements has made me feel a bit more positive

I do find people are too negative about getting pregnant at 38. I had ovarian problems but got pregnant with my first at 38 at the first try. Most I know who tried at that age did get there.

I would definitely try to go it alone. Sometimes I wish I had used a donor instead of my ex. Then you can pick exactly what you want

@zonky yes I agree dating is not easy. I don’t feel that spark with many people. @Starlight38 I think you made the right decision to end it. Like you say, it was always the elephant in the room with me and my ex too. We are still tied together financially at the moment but that should be sorted in a couple of months. Then I will try and cut off and be open to dating. It is had though when you still love someone else. In all honesty right now I could just run back to my ex, it would be so easy. But somethings stopping me. I hope there is 2 nice men out there for us. If I meet one with a 40 year old brother I will send him your way 😅 x

*hard

@Rollerskates22 hahaa yes please 🙏

So you and your friends are the statistical representation of what happens to fertility as your near your late 30s? The reality for some is completely different! Fertility is complex and unpredictable, hope we at least agree on that?

@Rollerskates22

"Also I do question if it is selfish to bring a child into the world knowing they won’t have a dad from day one?"

So you disapprove of same sex couples wanting to have a family?

I know we're off topic here but I'm just curious!

And I started ttc at 37, had ten losses 37-38 and am now struggling to make embryos (let alone genetically normal ones) doing IVF at 39 - 33 eggs, of which 19 fertilised has made 1 genetically normal embryo.

It would be unwise for OP to base such an important decision for her on anecdotes from you and your friends. Fertility is complex and individual.

@Starlight38

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but I believe that he didn't want to have children with you. It's a polite way of doing it, telling them they don't want children, not to hurt someone 's feelings. Just wait and see in a few years', time, he'll be shacked up with someone 10 years younger with his own brood. I've seen this scenario too many times to think otherwise. Good luck with whatever you decide!

OP this is so so much for you.

I really think you need some time off to have a rest before making any big decision. Do you have any holiday left? Could you get some time off?

Sending love this is so hard x

@Phrenologistsfinger

Sorry to hear you're having a really difficult time trying to conceive. Totally agree with you as per my previous post earlier. The ignorance of some posters is astounding!

Look up the Donor Conception Network, as they run online discussion sessions for potential solo parents by choice. Really useful to hear all the possible options and to meet others in the same position.

Do you have enough money to be off work or substantially reduced hours if you do have a baby? You need a lot of savings to have a child: your earnings won't recover for a while.

Just want to give some hope. Broke up with bf at 38. Was very depressed and looked into donor option. AMH very low. Had an affair with someone I met at 42. We both knew we probably wouldn't go the distance as a couple but both were sad at not having had children. DC born at 44. We're not the fairy tale ending but we're all very happy and both he and I much happier than before DC came along. I felt angst ridden at some points, and sometimes still do, that I can't give DC the traditional set up - but if this wasn't the story then DC wouldn't exist. There are lots of men out there who haven't had children and want them. My one piece of advice would be to get your tubes flushed out with a HyCoSy. I did this and after a while of trying was pregnant the following month. I know it had an impact. I think there is also a lot to be gained from the donor route and the independence it gives you. I really feel for you. That patch of life was filled with some of my darkest hours. Someone else has said it on here - weigh up what will feel worse when you look back - having no children at all or taking action and having a child and working through whatever complicated way you achieve that. The DC may have issues with how they got here - but in honesty we all have issues with something from our childhood, it's how our parent(s) guide us through it that counts - and being here has to be better than not being at all.

I'm another mum of donor conceived kids. No regrets at all. They're 16 and 13 now, and I've been in a relationship with a lovely man for 6 years. We don't live together but we spend lots of time together and go on holiday as a family etc. It might not be 100% what I'd hoped for when I was younger, but it's 95%! And plenty of my "happy family" friends are divorced now.

You never know what life is going to throw at you, but if kids are your priority then I'd go for it on your own.

Sorry I’m advance for the negative reply, but I had a friend who at 40 had still not found a serious partner. She looked into other options but eventually decided she wanted to keep looking for a partner to do it with and didn’t want to bring a baby into the world as a lone parent. In the end it didn’t work out for her, she is now early 60s, she is now content with her decision but always would have wished for a family. I’d say if having a baby is very important to you, go down the sperm doner route.

@Watchthesunrise
This depends entirely on your employment situation and how you wish to organise your maternity leave: I took 6 months off and am back at work full time.

Why do you need a lot of savings to have a child? This is only applicable if you decide not to work full time or at all? I'm managing fine on my average income and using government's universal credit up to 85% refund scheme (childcare costs scheme).

You certainly need extra money should your IVF treatment not work the first time!

Take control of your life and do it alone. You may meet someone later but with your low amh, time is of the essence. Don’t bother with egg freezing; the success rate is really low. We went down the route of donor sperm conception for genetic reasons, to the point of ordering sperm, before I accidentally fell pregnant naturally. It’s a weird process looking up these online profiles etc but seriously, you live once. If having children is important to you, do what is in your control to make it happen. Fwiw, we did the process abroad (Greece) and using ds was very normal and the clinic selected for us based on certain criteria. Good luck!

@Starlight38

Hi Starlight, sorry for what you're going through. Fertility and IVF is much more complex than people think. It's better you start IVF as soon as possible, many things about your fertility are discovered through IVF failed cycles.

I've been doing it for 4 years now with my DH, started at 36.

If I were you, it would be more important to be a mother than find a partner. If you wait for a partner you may miss your fertility window.

My cousin always said she'd be a mother by 30 even if not married and she did. One night stand, single and happy with her child.

At 38 your eggs may not be good even if they fertilize, even if they pass the PGD test they may still not implant. You should start now.

Do you have any male friend who would be willing to donate his sperm? If I didn't marry I would have asked a single male friend for his sperm.

If you go through this route, I'm sure more women are going with this and in time you will find a way to tell your child about the conception.

Best wishes

I'm glad it worked out for you, but you aren't really suggesting Op has an affair and hope to get pregnant at 42?

@Olivie12
A single male friend is legally the father and this can get very complicated if he changes his mind regarding access at some point down the line, even though initially he just wanted "to help out". It's a legal minefield. I really wouldn't be entering into this arrangement without a contract drawn up by a lawyer who specialises in this area.

Also, where are these "single men" willing to provide their gametes for free? Only in a Friend's episode?

I do agree on your other points about IVF treatment.

OP - depending on how many eggs you have - you could try to freeze both just eggs and embryos.
But realistically - meeting someone on a tight schedule of having kids asap is not very likely to happen. Put yourself in the men‘a shoes - how are they supposed to believe that the woman really wants them Vs really feels the pressure of her age to find a father for a child.
That is why dating at your age while still hoping to have a baby is so so challenging.
Its easier if you already have a child.

As to having kids with donor sperm - it’s not
an issue in the way you imagine. I know several women, and a gay couple who had kids with donors - in various combinations. Sperm, donor egg/sperm, eggs… Kids are now teenagers, and their main issues aren’t at all the providence of their genetic material. They are normal kids, loved by the parents they do have.
Families come in so many different shapes these days. There are divorcees; blended families; absentee fathers; single parents by choice.
As long as you love your child - they will be Ok.

In your case - I’d just go ahead and do IVF now. And continue dating after that. Its not only eggs that get older - carrying pregnancy and giving birth is all harder as you age. So - why wait.

How on earth did you come to the conclusion that is what the OP was suggesting?!!

My friend had the most beautiful baby girl through sperm donation - go for it